at least it happened before right?

The thing that I really really hate is that the present is no longer the same as the past. That some things just belong to the past and it won't ever happen again in the future. But at least all these memories happen before right? At least these past memories were very real and they can never be changed. Memories that will always last a lifetime.

But, why is it that these memories can't be brought forward to the present? Why is it that somehow some things really just don't work out the way you hope for them to work out? Why is it that time and again I always get caught up in the past even though I'm trying my best to live the present? Why is it that whenever I look back at all these memories, I feel a certain heartache that these memories are really a thing of the past and it won't ever happen again in the present or future?

I know very well that you know, at least they existed. These memories that I have are not fake. They are very very real. It's just not real in the present and I guess that's really just something you have to learn to deal with it. You really can't have everything going your way in life and sometimes you just gotta experience some sadness to make you stronger.

It's always nice to look back on the past and remember those memories and smile. I'm still very happy and thankful that those memories exist and I guess even though there are some things that are no longer the same, there are still many things that remain constant and honestly, I didn't lose much. It's just different I guess and it's something that I just have to get used to and really deal with it. Stop dwelling on the past that's already gone and just look forward to the future and live this present. And yea, I guess just see where life takes you and don't think too much in these things.

Most of the time overthinking kills and I admit that I'm usually a victim of overthinking. And it sucks more 'cause all these random thoughts just fester in my head and make me feel sad without me even realising it. So I guess it's really time to properly deal with all these thoughts and just always remember that there are really still many things to be thankful about and just many things to look forward to in life. So many more experiences that I've yet to experience and so many things to do.

And yea, at least all these memories happened before. I had my laughs and happiness and what not and I'm glad that life so far had been pretty good to me and I guess I'm also really thankful to know that after 16 years of education, I truly made quite a few bunch of friends who I know are truly for life. It's just heartening to know that you met very good people for most of your life and they are still very much part of your life. I truly am blessed and I really just gotta have faith that this period of uncertainty will be over soon and somehow I'll find some clarity in some things. 

3am is definitely not the best time to post and reflect but I guess when it comes, you just have to do it.

Was watching the Korean drama "Fight for My Way" and I honestly didn't expect myself to have so many feelings for this show. To me, it's pretty relatable now 'cause it talks about 4 friends who are in their youth and how they gave up their dreams and chase after their dreams. I guess for me the most relatable part is how no matter what they do, they really just wanna make their parents feel proud of them. They don't want their parents to worry and all that.

Right now, there are really a lot of thoughts going on in my head. And I really need to stop trying to escape from all these issues and really sit down and start sorting them out. I really need to stop running away because freak, the further I ran away, the further I am in trying to discover myself and what the hell I actually want to do with my life. In many aspects. Then you go around complaining and whining that you feel lost and shit and what not. Stop it. You know very well that the only person who can push you to move forward is yourself so freaking hell work on it. Stop being lazy, stop finding excuses. I think most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself too.

Yes, I may not have figure out exactly what I want to do but stop thinking that there's something wrong with that. Stop scolding yourself for being lazy and actually start acting to change this part of you. If you don't like this part of you so much, freaking hell work on it and just stop saying that you hate this part. Yes, you hate it. So what? Are you gonna keep letting it grow bigger and bigger? You yourself know what the issue here and you don't face up to it. So what difference does it make if you know about something but you don't act on it.

It irks me so much but I guess I really need to learn to cut myself some slack too. The more I'm annoyed at myself, the more I will be. I mean, it's pretty logically and a given but I think sometimes I really forget to give myself a break. Let myself breathe. When you don't even let yourself breathe properly, how the hell do you expect others to give you space also?

This really really sucks but I believe it will all get better right? All these confusions and lost. Maybe sometimes we don't need to know what exactly is gonna happen next. Maybe life just takes us there without us knowing. So I just gotta have more faith right?