23

Twenty three is somehow my favourite number so I'm really hoping that this year will truly bring me good luck and be a great year. I saw this on FB today:

So before it turns to February, I'm just gonna doing a post to sum up my first one month of "trial". Somehow, 2017 didn't exactly start out great. I mean yea, I spent it with people I love so that was great. Like first time we actually countdown together HAHA So yea, that was nice. But somehow after that, school started and I got lost in just idk everything? I don't think I'm not used to school or what not. But I felt myself to be just floating around with no aim and purpose and it's pretty scary 'cause I'm a person who needs to have some motivation and aim in order to excel. When I float, I really float and my work sucks. And that's always when I will start to regret 'cause I know my potential is not there. I didn't do the best that I can.

Then turning 23. Honestly, I didn't feel much. As in prior to turning 23. Like everyone was saying it's damn old but to me, I really just felt like it was just one year older, that's all. Maybe it's because I spent my birthday alone last year and didn't feel anything strange. Maybe I got used to being alone during my time in exchange. I don't really know. But I guess for the past few months, or maybe every since I came back from exchange, I felt that my life was flat. Or rather, my character and personality or what not. I was very very lifeless and aimless and truly just floating around. And I guess it's really something that I still don't really like about myself? I prefer the YF who is driven and determined to do stuffs and really get shit done. I mean, yea, last sem I did get shit done and all but I guess December holiday killed it a bit and then January came and I felt lost. And January is always my favourite month but not this year which is really very sad.

But anyhow, so yes, birthday. It's really when you realise how freaking lucky you are to have friends who truly give a shit about you? I think sometimes I really doubt myself as a friend HAHA shit sounds really sad but yea, I guess sometimes you really forget that while others are great friends to you, you are to them also. I hope I'm not the only one who feels that. So yea, sometimes you really just forget that you actually mattered to others. That if you aren't around, it would be weird. Thank you guys for really making me feel loved. It may sound damn drama but yea, sometimes you really just forget the value of yourself. Which yes, it's very stupid of me ah.

I think that's the thing about me. I tend to forget the experiences I had or rather don't value them as much as I should have. I downplay my own strengths when in fact I should be showing them and say that hey, I'm actually capable of stuffs. Self doubt I guess. And thinking that my experiences don't matter. I guess even if it doesn't really matter, you need to first believe that they actually do so that you can "sell" yourself better. I think that's one thing that I lack. Selling myself. Actually, I don't know. I think I know how to. I'm just not doing it. LAZY. So yes YF please change this lazy habit of yours. Stop giving excuses and stop sleeping so much. Wake up. Read more. Do more.

You say 23 is your favourite number right? Please make this number proud. And that when you look back in your life, you will think that "Wow, 23 years old was a good year. 2017 was a good year." I think in life, we can never be short of more good years in our lives. The more the better so really, make every year count, every month count, every day count.

It's really okay to get lost once in a while but always remember to not resign to the lost and just continue on aimless. Fight back and come back stronger with a better version of yourself. 

here's to the fools who dream

[We've stumbled on a view
That's tailor-made for two
What a shame those two are you and me  

Some other girl and guy
Would love this swirling sky
But there's only you and I
And we've got no shot] 

A Lovely Night - Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone

My fav song from the movie heh. Very late on posting about this movie but was listening to the OST again and wah this is really one of the nicest movie I've watched recently. There's just this charm and magic to it somehow. Though the plot is quite typical, somehow it's still really very old school and classic. I think that's why it appeals to me 'cause of it's nostalgia feel.

And yes, I'm a fool who dream HAHHA not in the best way of dream but yea, still dream. Which, to be honest I don't know if I'm doing the right thing 'cause yea, sometimes dreaming really doesn't get you anywhere. I guess dream with no action. Lately, there's a lot of thoughts going through my head but it's hard to put in down in words proper. And all my thoughts are really all over the place. But what I don't really like most is that I'm really not as carefree as I used to be? I don't know but yea, I just feel that there is something in me that is different and I don't like that. I guess because there are many more uncertainties in life that are quite daunting. And I think I'm choosing escapism to "solve" them. I'm not very sure what exactly I want in life. But I know I want something.

Maybe I'm really just not courageous enough to fight for the things I want. Or rather, I'm afraid to say, "I want that". It's as if I'm not supposed to want it. I'm not supposed to have it. I'm not supposed to desire it? I don't really know. That's the problem I think. I really have no idea what is it that I want but I know there is something there. Maybe I just really need to be very honest with myself and face my facts and really just work towards it.

I think I really need countless reminders to tell myself that in this life, if you want something, you've got to work towards it. Sitting there thinking is really not going to work. Maybe it's this turning 23 making me reflect so much. When you look back on your past 23 years in life, what have you actually done? I know I'm still young with many more years to go. But yea, how do you want to spend the remaining years of your life? You have the power to change and alter it the way you want to. Or rather, God has a plan. But you can't just sit there and wait for it to just happen because though He has a grand plan for you, He can't control how you achieve them or what not.

Sigh, honestly I feel pretty lost but I don't want to resign to this life. I guess I really just need to focus on myself and start thinking about what is it that I really want out of this life. Where do I see myself in 5 years, 10 years. As cliche as it sounds, I think stuffs like that actually can help you focus and think more clearly about what you should do presently. Or rather, I hope to believe that it helps.

But yes, I'm gonna try somehow. Just really make time to discover myself again. Say so many times to have self-discovery trip, in the end all failed. Or rather, in the end never even try discovering. HOW YF. You really are a freaking procrastinator. But okay, stop scolding yourself also 'cause it's very annoying too.

I think right now, I just need to chill and breathe and know and believe that everything will really be okay ultimately. Trusting God and knowing that He truly has your back. This relationship with God is also something I think I really need to firmly do something about as well. Stop escaping from everything, YF. You can't escape life as much as you really want to. Embrace every part of it and truly enjoy it when you should. Just be free of inhibitions and what not. Stop second thinking yourself. 

everything all over

When you are overseas, you miss Singapore and want to come home. When you are in Singapore, you feel less motivated and driven and want to go overseas because you think that you are more driven and motivated overseas. To an extend, I think it's very true for me that I am really a lot more motivated and determined when I'm overseas. However, it's really not right that I am less determined and motivated when I'm back in Singapore. Because hello YF, this is the real life. This is the place where you have to be motivated, you have to be determined to do something about your life and make decisions of what you want to do. You have to start having a game plan about what you want and stop lying around sleeping or watching stuffs or whatever else you are doing. 

I really don't like how unmotivated I am as compared to when I was overseas on exchange last year. I know that I am still very much the same me from back in Groningen. It's just when the circumstance and environment change, somehow this lack of drive enters as well. Actually, I think it's just right now because I think I did find some drive in the second half of last year where I actually really worked hard and did well. 

But okay, I think yea, I really need to wake up my idea and stop thinking that I can only be motivated and driven when I'm overseas. Because yea, you are not overseas right now and you really need to get a grip of yourself and stop bumming around. Sigh, I think I really have too many posts frequently where I'm scolding myself for not doing stuffs. One thing that is really terrible about me is procrastination. I think I can really procrastinate about every single thing and it's really wah stop it leh. Stop saying next time, later, tomorrow, next week. Do it now if you want to do it. 

Like this blog also. I kinda regret not posting more during exchange or like during my trips in general. I realise I'm really a person who likes to reflect and read back on my experiences. Be it good or bad. Actually no, I prefer the good experiences HAHA but okay, I guess things that are worth remembering you will definitely remember them even though it's not documented or what not. Ah well, I'm just gonna rely on my this tiny brain which stores very useless information at times but I believe some important ones are there too. 

And never really thought I would actually say this but I really miss India. That experience was really something that I definitely treasure a lot and it's really a country that I will definitely visit again. I think I really need to remember all these things that I've done that actually make me who I am now. There are times when I really forget how I actually have my own stories to tell and share and I don't know, remember that I do have my fair share of experiences to share and don't just keep them all to myself?? What's the use of keeping them to yourself when you are the only one who knows about them? Some things need to be shared for a reason and I don't know, sometimes just have confident that your story may actually matter. Even if it actually doesn't, I don't know ah just have more faith in yourself I guess? It's true that sometimes you don't have to share everything. But sometimes you really can. Just I don't know, remember things that are worth sharing. Tell stories. Your own stories. I tend to be a person who likes to tell stories about my family and friends but not my own stories. But I guess that's normal? 'Cause you don't want to put yourself in the limelight. But it's weird 'cause hello, who is the best storyteller of your own life? Yourself please. So if you don't tell stories about your own life, nobody will do it for you. Sorry you are not famous enough to have someone write a biography about you hor. But okay ah, I guess I'm really more of a listener than a talker. So yes, I really need people who can actually make me share my own stories and also share their stories with me as well. I'm very demanding. 

Okay, I think it's time to either sleep or do work. Wah another thing also. When it comes to sleep or work now, I always keep choosing sleep. It's good and bad thing ah idk. Oh well. 

best horrible friends

I'm totally gonna get mocked for this post but heng I never post immediately on 1st Jan and before skyping these idiots. And despite knowing that they may (or may not) be annoying and laugh at me, I still wanna post 'cause I don't know why but I really felt very very happy on 31st Dec 2016. Not just because like I got to see my friends' plus ones and really like them because they seem like the best people for my dearest friends. It's mainly because I realise how we are going into another phase of our life but we are still very much together.

I remember thinking and talking about this day with some of the rest where we bring our plus ones to some gathering to introduce to each other and how cool it will be if we all can be friends. Okay granted, the meeting was short so to be honest, we aren't exactly friends yet but I still like them 'cause I'M BIASED HAHAHA. Okay lar, honestly I trust my friends have good taste in people hehe. And okay, only 3 out of 11 of us have plus one LOL but it's really a start and it's so exciting. I really like it that we are moving into different phases of life but we are still here for each other and being the constants to each other despite all our very busy lives. How we will try to make time for each other and make the effort to meet up. Or just talk nonsense on Skype for hours just to accompany our friend who was hobo-ing at the airport and hopefully we did make him feel a bit better about his situation with our nonsense and gave him a bit of warmth from home through the wonders of technology (okay, there is something wrong with this sentence but the idea is there).

And yea, for the hundred millionth time, it just makes you smile when you know that these people are really here for life. They are not faking it. True, there are times when you are genuinely annoyed with them and really cannot stand having them around. But you know that they are really here for the keeps. For the long term. No matter how annoying they can be, they will really be there with you in your life in some ways or another. Not constantly there for you but still there. They are really people who are truly like your family. It's like how you can't stand your parents and siblings sometimes and really dislike them at times for whatever they do that don't seem to go along with what you think should be done, but you still continue to love them and are still there for them whenever they need you. There are some friendships who are similar to that and sometimes we take them for granted but I've come to realise that such friendships are actually really freaking rare.

It's like when you are so used to these friends being there for you, you really forget that actually this friendship that we have is freaking hard to come by. It's rare to have friends from when you were younger and it's even more rare that they just so happen to be some of the closest friends you will ever have in life. True, along the way, you will make new friends, there will definitely be new friends who you know that will last for a lifetime too. But yea, no matter when you know these friends, if they are worth the keeps, they are worth the keeps. If they stay, they are truly treasures in your life that you should never take for granted. I think taking people for granted is really one of the worst things that I know I am also guilty of sometimes. So idk, I think it's very important to check with yourself if you are actually taking someone for granted and treating them badly. There are times when you really may not realise it but you are actually taking their presence and their actions for granted and that really shouldn't be the way. There's a difference between being very comfortable with each other to ask for favours and taking people for granted. No matter who he or she is, no matter what he or she do, always remember to show some gratitude to them. In ways that they also know. If you show it in ways that only you know, then it defeats the purpose. And I'm not saying you must show gratitude 24/7 but during times when you feel that hey, maybe this person needs someone to let them know that they are well appreciated. It's a small thing but it matters. Like how I always feel that saying "thank you" is very important. I agree that one should not keep saying sorry but there shouldn't be such thing as saying too much "thank you". Okay, in my own personal opinion, I feel that thank you is really just nice to hear somehow. Showing gratitude I guess. Appreciation. Affirmation HAHA MAYBE I AM THE ONE BEING FREAKING NEEDY.

But I guess yea, my whole point is really just remember to show gratitude to the people closest to you and do not take them for granted. Because life is freaking short and you really don't know what is gonna happen the next moment and you really don't want it to be too late to tell someone that you appreciate them and that they are important to you in this world.

I am quite amazed at how I actually managed to talk real reflection stuffs from whatever I initially wanted to post about. HAHA but yea, I'm really thankful that I have these friends here and many others who are just really blessings in my life. Yall know who you are 'cause only a few people read this LOL but okayyy, even those who don't read this or don't even know this place exists are actually pretty important to. But idk, it's really weird to tell people that you actually still have a blog and post regularly HAHA but then again, this is really still my sort of private space to just randomly type out stuffs so nope, it's too weird to share it with too many people. I still am very much in my own bubble and need my own space. But I also need some people around hence yall can still read this leisurely HAHAH

Okayyy I think it's time to sleep and be ready for school tomorrow. WEWWWWW LAST EVER FREAKING SEM IN UNIVERSITY ALREADY LETS GOOOOO