two more

So two more days to 2015. 2014 has been one hell of a crazy year. So many things happened and it's all in the mixture of good and bad. I would say that this year really was a pretty difficult one. But yea, I made it. Haha! It's honestly very very strange to be celebrating New Year's overseas and 2.5 hours behind instead of being back in my bright and sunny and beautiful island. Haha! Ok, the homesickness isn't that bad anymore. 'Cause I'm coming homeeeee.

I guess 2014 has been a year where you realise how time is really slipping out of your hands slowly. How you have lesser control of it and each and every moment is precious. How life goes on. And yea, you carry on.

Not  exactly in a proper mood now to do a nice reflection thing so I guess the beter reflection posts will come in 2015. HAHA! It will be late but better late than never. And also, my yearly thanking of impt pple in my life. Though, the people are still the same old faces HAHA! So actually no need to post lar ah. Heh.

But yes, nevertheless, can't be more thankful for them. These people who are just important in many ways. I really am blessed with many good people around me. And yea, it's really the people who I know will be there in my life for many many years to come and I'm just so damn thankful for it.

2014. It is a pretty confusing year. I'm just glad that yea, it's over. And 2015 is gonna be here. Not looking forward to school though. But that's besides the point. 2015, I really hope it will treat me well. And yea, I really have no idea what to expect though. I just know that I need to work really hard. And yes, also spend time with people I love. Because I didn't get to do so this December.

But yes, this India trip really has been a great experience. Something I will never regret. Though heh, probably because of the travelling part. But besides that, I do learn some stuffs along the way. So it really was a great experience. But yes, more on that later.

I think the ten thousand posts that I owe will probably be done only in summer. Aha, procrastination at its finest. But ok maybe I'll squeeze some stuffs here and there. Reflection is really important though. Or rather, I value reflection a lot. And I do write down stuffs at random places here and there. So I guess it's alright.

And photos. Still my favourite form of remembering stuffs. Though I'm a horribly lazy photographer. I think I'm really a people photographer. You give me a group of people I like and want to take photos of, I will spam like crazy. If not, it's very hard. And ok, nicer scenary also not that bad. But yes, I still love taking photos of people more. That emotions and all. It's just different.

So yes, I think I should probably sleep soon. And yea, nicer and better reflections next time I hope. Haha! This is like really just me rambling on about the most random stuffs. So I'm gonna stop here now.

想家

[ Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just want to go home ]

Home - Westlife

Yea, the homesickness is kicking in very strong. Probably due to the after effects of eating too many salty and spicy street food that may not have been very clean. But yea, I really miss my mum's cooking and everything else about Singapore. My homeland. Forever more. =(

Like sigh. Ok honestly, Mumbai hasn't been that bad. I don't feel alone all. It's just I miss people. My family mainly. Like I really need my parents and my sister I realise. Like cannot too long away. Like how I'll miss them if they go overseas for a long time also. Yes, I am a dependent kid. So I really don't know how exchange will go. But I guess exchange will be a different place? So maybe it's different.

Not saying that India is not great all. But safety wise, it's really not. We are lucky to be in Mumbai 'cause it's the safest out of all cities in India apparently? Like according to my boss and colleague. But being a different colour skin from the majority of the people here, it's not very different 'cause you get random stares actually. Though I know some of these stares are just curios stares but it will make you feel kinda uncomfortable. Though ok, I'm sort of used to the stares already. Just focus on keeping my stuffs safe and the destination ahead. HAHA! But ok, it's not as if I don't look around too. 'Cause yes, it's important to look and observe your surroundings from time to time, especially when you are overseas.

And I'll admit that India is honestly a beautiful country. And their people aren't all that bad. There is just that minority who are bad which makes everyone thinks that the majority is so. But that's a very bad stereotype. But also, it's hard to not be wary of people though. Even though they are genuinely being very nice. But I guess sometimes you really just have to have some faith and trust that not all are bad and I am so thankful for all the extremely nice Indians I've met so far. They are really pretty nice and helpful.

But yes, I really still miss Singapore. This is really the longest I've ever been away from home. Away from my family and friends. Sucks sia. Like didn't know I will feel so homesick. Usually I don't feel homesick? Or I'll only feel it when I'm near the end of the trip. But I still have 2 more weeks. Ok lar, 11 more days. HAHA! Which Nisa helped me point out and I actually went to count 'cause somehow you just lost track of time when you are overseas.

But sigh. Really miss all the people in Singapore. And the food. The safety. Maybe 'cause honestly it's really not busy here in terms of the working part. So there isn't a lot of things to do. Maybe that's why I feel weird? Like too free in a sense. When I'm actually supposed to be working here. HAHA! But ok, I'm still really thankful to be here and all. Like the experiences and stuffs. Ok besides the experiences, the people. It's always about the people and I'm really glad to have met and know my boss 'cause he is really quite unique. Haha!

ELEVEN MORE DAYS!! And I'll be back to my bright and sunny Singapore. HAHA! Which ok I heard the weather has been quite screwed up but oh well, still awesome. Still my home always. I miss my bed. =( I think after hugging my parents and my sister, my bed is what I'll hug. Ok, after bathing first though. But yes, my bed.

IN-DEE-EAR

Shouldn't be posting now but I'm really restless at work and don't feel like writing leggit stuffs so here I am. HAHA!

Anyway, India has been pretty decent to me. I mean yea. Culture shock on the first few days but we adapt and learn. Haha! And yea, things has been pretty alright and I believe it will continue to be so.

But of course, I do miss home. Singapore, my homeland forever more. Haha! The food here is really pretty spicy so I think my tolerance for spicy food will go up so much after this trip. But they are pretty tasty though. Just that I do miss my Chinese food.

And there are really not much non-Indians around. The only non-Indians we saw were mostly Ang Mohs and generally in the more touristy areas or rich areas. Most of the time we only see Indians. Haha! Not that I'm complaining but I guess it's just really strange to be so much of the minority in a country. Not even minority. It really feels like we are the only Chinese around here. Lol! Pretty interesting I guess.

But yes, Indians are really very friendly actually. And nice. Like when we bargain with them and ended up not buying, they won't be very pissed off. Ok some ah. Some Indians are pretty annoying. But generally, I think their service is really not bad.

But wow the roads here are incredible. They honk everywhere they go. For all reasons and no reasons. And they just drive. Like if they wanna go straight they just drive straight and not care if there is a car coming on the side or people walking or what. So yes, that's interesting too. Ok ah, I know Cambodia and India also like that. And a lot of other place actually. But in Cambodia, at least they honk. It was a lot more peaceful crossing the roads there. And pretty fun actually. 'Cause it's really like trying to go with the flow of traffic. Haha!

Yessss I need to update a lot of posts but there really isn't much time here. Like we will go out for dinner and when we are back, we are either researching for our weekends trips or doing our reports or there is just always something else to do. So yes, you can say we are really pretty busy here? Just that I really have a lot of things to do. So probably need better time management. And also, watching my shows. HAHA! But really no time.

But ok, I'm still really thankful for this experience. I think there is a lot to gain from this and I'm sure it will be a great trip at the end of the day. So maybe I'll post more after. Haha! But wah, I really still owe super lot of posts. That's the consequence of procrastinating.

master's sun

Master's Sun!! I think this is the fastest I've ever chiong a drama. 2 days. HAHA! I was really hooked too it 'cause the storyline is really very unique and it's so hilarious. And ok I think I was crazy too. Study too much and really needa take a break. Heh.

Anyway so this drama is about a woman who can see and talk to ghosts but when she touches this guy, the ghosts will disappear. HAHA! Ok it sounds pretty strange but it's really good. Like I was really hooked. Maybe too long never watch Korean dramas already. But I still think it's really not bad. The main leads are awesome ah!!! So Ji Sub and Gong Hyo Jin. Their chemistry is really the best. And I really love their characters!! It's seriously damn funny 'cause the male lead is so damn eccentric it's just freaking hilarious.  

"Your safety hideout is here. Hide." hehehe

I think it's really just awesome how they really go around helping the ghosts together. How he just follow and help her even though he couldn't see them. HAHA! It's damn interesting. Like sort of blind faith. And they are really very good actors. Like can tell they are really not bad kind.

HAHA I love this phone conversation. 'Cause he was really all smug and happy about her being scared and happy that he called her. Lol! It's so cute. Heh. 

"People sometimes find what they lost at an unusual place by getting lost in the way. We think of it as luck or misfortune from coincidence. But not all of that is coincidental."
- Tae Gong Shil

"When an insane sun rose in my world, I was trying anything to get you out. However, I realised that I was actually the one being dragged into your gloomy world. I was struggling to stop and get out. But I realised in the cell today, I already went all the way." - Joo Joong Won

HAHAHAHA I love this scene. My favourite 3 guys in the show heh. They really are her supporters ah. Super cute I swear. They were singing a Korean bear song to this child ghost.

AND MY TWO FAVOURITE KIDS. HEHE. They are so cute I swear. Ok fine, I was looking at the kid on the left more. HAHA! But he doesn't talk so it's his older brother doing the talking. But omg they are so cute. And super innocent. Ok fine, they are kids after all. But still so cute. This particular scene made me burst. They were really just standing there innocently. HAHA!

Heh another favourite scene. I can't even pinpoint my most favourite scene 'cause they are all pretty awesome. Lol! And it's really very funny. It's a super feel good show. Though yes, took me very long to watch 'cause I didn't thought much about it at first. Until they show on TV and somehow TV you will watch more since it's there already. HAHA! Then I realise it's a pretty good show. Heh. I like I like.

"Don't compete with your past but rather expect great things for your future and love your present self."
- Kang Woo

But sigh, really post drama syndrome. I was really quite sad that the show ended. Lol! But yea lar, probably will watch this show again. Heh. Not that I've rewatched any Korean drama before yet actually. HAHA! But ok lar, still awesome.

few more days leggo

In that mood to do anything except studying. YAYYYYY. And I have 3 days to my first paper. Pretty fun huh. But wow, really can't wait for finals to end. And head to India. Haha! It won't be all fun and games but it is still overseas and yes I'm gonna bring my camera over because I think I really need to get out and take more photos. Feel pretty disconnected with my camera. I feel like just selling them away since I'm actually not using them. But no, I just need to take the camera out and start shooting again. Just stop being lazy.

But yesss I really can't wait. And given that short few days between end of finals to when I have to fly off to India, I really don't know how to arrange that time. But ok, I'll worry later. Or rather, just sleep lesser so that I can accomplish more stuffs then. It will all be fun stuffs and non studying related so I think it'll be cool. Heh. CAN'T WAIT.

So right now, I will try to get back to studying again. Lol! But honestly so bored of it. Though I feel quite happy 'cause I understand what I'm doing. It's just, I don't know if I'll know when I see the questions during exams. But I believe I will be able to!! It's all somewhere there in my great big head and I'm sure I'll find it.

But I realise whenever I study for finals, I will feel happy yet sad. Happy that I finally understood all these stuffs but sad 'cause I won't get to use them anymore. It's like I understood them too late. Like why didn't I understand them earlier? But I guess whatever we learn now in uni is not completely useless. They are all linked up somehow. So that's a plus side. But wow, it's really that enlightenment feeling. It's how I felt the day before A Levels Maths paper when I finally understood Complex Numbers I think? But like I won't use it anymore after the next day. So it's a bittersweet feeling. LOL! But oh well, at least I got my B for Maths.

ANYWAY, so yes, back to studying. WOOHOOOOOO

on a scale of 1 to 10, how will you rate your pain?

Heh. New addition to the list of my favourite Disney movies. Which is already a very long list. But sorry, Disney kid here. Their stories still have a way to tug your heartstrings and make you feel really warm and fuzzy and also very happy. You just feel really good after watching it.

And omg, this movie is hilarious. Maybe it's just my humour but at one point I was really dying of laughter and I really teared from laughing. LOL! It's really super cute I swear. BAYMAX!! My new favourite robot. IT'S SO DAMN HUGGABLE I CANNOT STAND IT. And freaking retarded. HAHA!

But the movie is really good. Like super worth watching. And also, the people you watch with matters also. HAHA! Went with a bunch of kids so that makes watching it more fun. Lol! But ok lar, actually go with anybody also great 'cause the movie is really great. My kind of humour. Haha!

But I swear watching with those kids is really damn hilarious because I was laughing even before the movie started. 'Cause they really say the weirdest comments to the advertisements. It's damn hilarious. I forgot what exactly but I was really laughing before the movie started. Such weirdos.

Sigh, so tempted to watch all the Disney movies now. However, there is this impending FINALS still to finish. Can't wait for this semester to be over. Like seriously. And then I'll be off to India~ Haha! Super looking forward to it actually. Quite excited. Though I think I'm not very prepared but I guess it will come to me. And yep, must read up and research and pack after finals end. But yes, looking forward to it like mad.

And I'll probably do a proper post on the end of semester next time? Haha! I realise I really forget to update about my life proper already. But it's okay! All the good will be remembered. And yea, this semester has been pretty crazy. But I'm glad I've gotten through it. And yea, I'll probably do another post next time. Haha! My yearly end of the year spammage of posts. Also, I haven't post about Australia and Cambodia. HAHA! Oh well, maybe I'll do them while in India.

Love, Rosie

“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.”

― Love, Rosie (Cecelia Ahern)

Watched Love Rosie the other day but it was honestly pretty disappointing. But the main leads were very good looking. Like for real. Lol! So it wasn't a bad movie experience but still very disappointing 'cause it could have been so much better. I think it's the script adaptation somehow. But oh well, at least they are good looking. Haha!

But this story is really one of my favourites. Not just because it's about all chick-flick and stuffs. The quotes from the book are really pretty awesome. And okay, it was really a good book I feel. I like these kind of stories.

Sigh, I really miss reading though. Feels really long since I last read. The Fault In Our Stars. Lol! Was supposed to read it before semester started but it's still on my table. December ah.

But you see, Decemeber is just one month but I have a freaking long list of things I want to do and need to do. So probably I should do the stuffs I need to do first before starting on the wants. And being away from Singapore also makes it kinda harder to complete some stuffs that I wanna do. =\ But yes yes, experience will be so worthy.

I feel like I did jump into this thing a bit too quickly but I'm thinking if I don't do it now, if I don't grab this chance that is given to me, when else will I? India is a place I know I will definitely want to go someday. But to actually work there, I think it is quite a rare chance. And I think for one month it will be a good enough experience? So yes, I'm really looking forward to it.

And yes, people here in Singapore will still be here when I'm back so no worries. Haha! It will be good I'm sure. And really can't wait to explore India actually. It will be pretty cool. =D

tough men last longer

Feels really long since I post about stuffs happening in my life. Haha! But alright, life hasn't been that bad. Because yea, I'm pretty blessed with really great people around me to make days better. This semester has been the longest one ever that passed by in a flash. Contraction? Yes. But it really feels like this that. This is our last official week of school and everyone is just like "Wow, I thought school just started."

But so many things happened though. For me at least. This semester has been pretty tough. And I'm glad it's over and I think I didn't came out too badly. There is still finals though. But I feel a lot better this semester 'cause I'm really learning. I actually get what I'm learning. Haha! And maybe 'cause all my modules this sem are the kinds that you will really learn something. So yes, maybe I need to take these kind of modules more. Haha! But yea, it really feels great to see that what you learn is applicable. That you are learning real stuffs. I miss that feeling. And I miss my History. =( Maybe I should try taking Political Science mods. They are honestly very interesting. But I'm slightly scared to take Social Science mods 'cause it has been awhile since I wrote essay and stuffs. But should be fine ah. Arts student after all. Shouldn't be that bad. Oh well see how!

But I guess it's also a good thing that I'm getting used to all the math stuffs. So yes I'm starting to like econ mods so that's very very good. Haha! YESSS Things will get better.

And yes tough men last longer. HAHA No idea why I suddenly thought of that but yea just gotta be strong and things will be fine. Few more weeks to the end!! And I'll be free from this. And yes, I'll be going India for internship in December too I'll elaborate more of that later because I'm really quite tired.  So here you go.

look forward

I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen again.

But one thing you should also remember; the future hasn't happened yet. There is a high chance that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet. There are still so many people you haven't meet yet, and so many other memories to be made with the people who are currently around you and have been stuck with you for so many years. So many experiences in front of you that you have yet to experience.

The past, it's familiar. It's easy. But what happened in the past, it's over. You hold on to the past but you don't cling on to it. The past is important in shaping who you are right now but you don't hold to it because it's over. And some memories, be glad that they happened before. At least you once had that. Be contented with that.

"We’re going to get older whether we like it or not, so the only question is whether we get on with our lives, or desperately cling to the past."

- Ted (HIMYM) 

I guess, at some point in time, you will stop looking back at what happened in the past and start looking forward because looking forward is a lot more exciting and worth looking forward to and it's something you can still do something about because it hasn't happened yet. What truly matters is the present and the future. Treasure the present and don't be scared of the future. What is meant to be will happen. Don't worry so much about things that haven't happened yet. Feel excited and look forward to them.

On a slightly side note, I realise the best kind of friendships are the ones that continue to grow and become stronger as time goes by. How you may not meet up very often in a year, but it doesn't matter 'cause you know how precious you are to each other. I know it's something I have been saying but I guess I'm still really freaking thankful to all those who are still so dear and important to me. Who stuck it out and are still very much part of my life.

beating fast

Butterflies. I kinda miss that feeling. It's honestly a pretty exciting and nice feeling to feel. How when you see someone or when you are around someone, you feel this strange exceptional happiness that is different from how you feel when you are with your family and friends. 

But as much as I miss that, I'm scared to feel it again too. Because yea, even though such feelings are exciting, they are crazy confusing too. 

But really, when will it be my turn to feel this strange feeling? It's all very confusing. I feel like something is holding me back or I'm holding myself back. But for what? I also don't know. I guess yea, probably just scared to feel all confused again because I don't really want that confusion right now. It ain't fun. Ah well, such things take time. Come set me up with an amazing guy HAHAHA ok I kid. I will kill you if you try.

older sister to these bunch of children

Still can't help emphasising how much I really love these people. And how car rides with them are always crazy but mad fun and they are the sweetest people in their own non-obvious ways but I can feel it HAHA the thing is, they are just really awesome people by nature. There's no conscious effort to be great. They just are great. 

And sigh, I really think we need a van or a mini bus. There is just too many of us here. But freak, seriously mad thankful for their existence. 

People who truly appreciate you like mad. And treats you right. And how we really support and have each others' back.

I really want December to come soon though. So that I can really just sit and enjoy and do fun stuffs with these people. Because time spent with them is really never enough. Really no idea why I need to see them from time to time so much. Needy. HAHA but yea, they are truly God's blessings. Thank You for blessing me with these angels who are also devils. HAHA. 

Driving these kids around is really testing my concentration skills when driving. And also patience. And also to drive with half-closed eyes 'cause I'll be laughing majority of the time. HAHAHA But it's all cool. They are training me to be the best driver in tolerating all these screams and shouts and nonsense.

we'll write a song

Okay since I'm pretty sick of how my blog is all filled with not very happy stuffs, I'll post about one of the concerts I went this year. HAHA! Which is okay, my first concert this year; WE THE KINGS!!

 HAHAH I really love how Swap's fist was perfectly positioned.

Anyway, so went to We The Kings's Concert on 4th June! Initially I was thinking whether to go 'cause I only know a few of their songs. But I had regretted many concerts and super crazy glad that I went for this 'cause it was damn freaking awesome. Like the atmosphere, the crowd, THEM. All were super crazy and awesome.

And of course, going with these crazy people. And how we made new friends. And how we looked like secondary school kids. LOL! For real. Like this girl below.

HAHA! Her first concert!! And wah I swear for her first concert, it was really a super good experience. She damn lucky!! And technically, she is not yet 20 years old as of today. Tsk.

OHYA! It was when we were queing for the toilet when this girl behind us just suddenly talk to us and she was sec 4 or first year of poly? And she thought Nisa and I were seconday school students. HAHA! We were damn happy somehow. LOL! Eh, it always feels nice to be called younger than your age. Somehow ah. Lol!

Concerts are pretty cool though. Like everyone is super friendly and you can really just make friends. Haha! And yea, those two are 17/18? And they also thought we were around their age. Nope nope. We are just young looking undergrads. HAHA!

So YAYAYYYY Concert. Haha! Super lazy to type on so erm. Some of the nicer photos first taken.

The stage!

OMG I really like this shot though. It's towards the end of the concert already I think. And I think this was my best one out of all the photos I took. But okay lar, my main aim there wasn't to take photos.

Oh yes, weren't very in front actually. Like we were 5th row or something? Or even more. Then somehow, at the end of the concert, we were at the 3rd row. LOL!

YESS COLEY!! My favourite of them now. HAHA! I swear when he looked into the audience, it bloody hell feels like he is looking straight at you. HAHA! It's damn good feeling Heh. 

AND FREAK SIA WE WERE REALLY THAT CLOSE TO THE STAGE!! HAHA! I think this wasn't the zoom-in version. BUT WOW, freaking awesome I swear.

Ok, I lazy to type more but I swear this is really the best concert I went to. In terms of the atmosphere wise. The audience were so good. And their songs are those that everyone can sing along to. Though there are some of their older songs that I wasn't very sure of but I knew most of them so it's freaking shiok. I SUPER LIKE.

But mosh pit is really crazy tiring. Unless you don't want to stand all the way to the front. Lol! But ok lar, stand in front then really got the mood. But yes, I am old. LOL! So I think during Check Yes Juliet, I was really tired for awhile and I never jump all the way or sing all the way. And Check Yes Juliet was one of the last few songs so spare me ah. Lol! But it was really crazy but mad awesome. I really like this concert feeling. Haha! Ok I really like concerts in general. They are just really really awesome. Heh.

OHYA!! But there were 2 trees near us. One crazy annoying guy who just block Swap like mad. And another woman who took turns to block Swap, Weiying, Nisa and I. LOL! 'Cause I think Swap got it first, then she moved away then Weiying then Nisa then me. And freak she's damn bloody tall. I realise in mosh pits, being tall really helps a lot. HAHA! But yes, you can end up being super annoying to the other people around you though 'cause really tree sia. 

I think my favourite moment is when the entire audience sang with them. For Secret Valentine I think? How they just stop playing their instruments and hear us sing and we all sing damn well. HAHA! Well in that because everyone knew the lyrics to it. It really gives you the creeps.

['Cause if you jump
I will jump too
We will fall together
From the building's ledge
Never looking back at what we've done
We'll say it was love
'Cause I would die for you
On skyway avenue ]

Skyway Avenue - We The Kings

Ahhhh okay, they were really awesome and yes mad glad that I went for it. Though got the post-concert syndrome though. HAHA! But yes, still glad that I went for it.

AND OMG THE SCRIPT IS COMING AGAIN!!! CRAZY MAD EXCITED 'CAUSE LIKE FINALLYYYYYY. I kinda knew it will be anytime for them to come back soon 'cause they have a new album. HAHA! But freak so damn excited. Hehe.

disappointment

Probably the worst feeling you can ever feel. Especially when you are disappointed in yourself. I think it beats sadness or angry or what. Because disappointment is you know that you didn't give in your best shot. You know that this was not what you are capable of. That you didn' do the best that you can. Not to say that you know you can achieve great things, but you know very well that you didn't give in your all for it. That somewhere, you lack that passion in it. That you just aren't giving a better damn about that thing. When you should.

I used to think that I am those who will give in my best in everything I do. But lately, I don't see it. And freak it's disappointing to see myself be like that. It's like somehow, I just stop having passion in anything. That somehow, when you lost that passion, it's pretty hard to find it back. What's gone is gone. And it freaking sucks. And somehow, I don't know. It's just a really very strange feeling.

And yes, that disappointment in yourself. That you know that somehow, you decided to just accept fate and let life be. It freaking hell sucks. I know lately my posts have been nothing but pretty negative stuffs but I guess I just have to let this out. I really don't know where I'm going with this degree and everything currently. And it pretty much sucks because I just let myself to be thrown in this current and struggling to keep afloat and not doing anything to actually get out of this. It's like I just gave up. It's like I'm just going to continue struggling until I can see a shore. But how long will that be? How long more can I stay afloat until I see a shore? Because right now, that shore doesn't seem to be in sight. Not even close. And yes, I know I'm barely holding on to stay afloat. At any moment, I may drown so badly.

And then what happens? What happens if I drown? Who will come and save me? Am I waiting to be saved? Should I be waiting to be saved? Because that's not what I should be thinking. I should be thinking of how to swim forward. How to beat the freaking current and swim towards the shore. Not float along until I reach the shore. Because floating along doesn't guarantee anything. You can float along for ages and you still won't reach the shore anytime soon. And when a huge strong wave comes towards you, you won't be able to just float along. You will get beat down by the strong wave and drown.

That's not what I should be doing. I know that. I freaking hell know that. All these stuffs, I know it. I know that I should stop saying and freaking do it. I know that I've been saying this since the end of time. It's time and again. Always repeating all of this. Why the hell do I bother typing all these out when I know? When I freaking know that I am not doing anything to my life. That some part of me is slowly giving up. And I am not fighting back. Is that how I want my life to be? To be just going with the current. To just be merely floating and not getting anywhere and just float along until I see whichever shore that seems to be alright. And just settle for it.

No. That's not what I freaking want. My dreams, my goals. What the hell happened to them? How did life get to busy and I get so caught up with everything that I forget about all these aspirations and what not. My passion for things I love. Things that I truly can relate to and things that I know it's something that I want to do. What the hell happened? I have no freaking idea.

Yep, ok I am actually alright. It's just that rejections are hard to deal with. I thought I was good in handling rejections but I guess when the number starts to increase, your confidence starts to drop too. I know that the part of me that got me to be part of the exco in photog in J1 is still somewhere in me. Some part of me is still like that. Who still wants to fight to get what I truly want. Who is passionate about things she loves. Because yes, I know that out of all things that I happened to get in life, that was the one thing that I went through without any luck because I didn't know any of the previous exco well beforehand. That they accepted me into exco because they saw something in me. What they saw, I have no idea. I don't even know if I actually did a great job during my term. But I guess they did saw something. Because I remembered I felt freaking terrible after the interview because I thought I blew it so badly. And it was something that I really wanted.

Ok yes, I think I know what it is. It was something that I really wanted. Because I showed that I really wanted to be part of the exco in photog. I guess yea, that's it. I need to find something that I truly want. Heck, not just that actually. If I sign up for anything, even if it may not be something that I really want, I need to learn to love it still. Because yes, freaking life does not always let you get what you really want. You can't always get what you really want. First, you need to earn it. And show it. And even if you don't get it, you don't freaking give up. I'm sure there are other things that you won't mind. Take a chance. Don't say No until you try it.

But yes, I guess the sincerity in it. You may not like it initially, but grow to like. Because yes, of course you want to find something that you really want to get it. But you can't always get what you want. So you don't just sit there and sulk and cry. No. You find an alternative. Not a back up. Something that you know you can do too. Something you can grow to like and have passion in.

I think that's the thing about me. I can't lie. I can't pretend to like and have passion in something when I don't. Or rather, the passion isn't strong enough. Honestly, I really wondered how I got through to photog exco because yea, maybe at that moment, my passion for photography was pretty solid. Though that passion isn't as solid right now, I guess at that point in time, it was great. It's pretty interesting though I swear. If I could, I would really want to ask my seniors why did they choose me over the other candidates. What exactly did they see in me that was different? It's really strange. Not that I doubt my capabilities. Ok I'm slightly doubting. Lol! But not in the negative and all emotional way. It's just yea, sometimes you just question your abilities.

I guess that's why I'm disappointed in myself. Because it's not that I can't. It's that I'm not putting in the effort. Disappointment is really the worst kind of feeling because there is that alternative there. You know that you can do so much more. You know that you are not at your best. You haven't brought out the best side of you.

People always say that someone bring the best side out of them. But freak, why not you bring the best side out of yourself. I know that it may sound strange and feels like I'm just trying to weave this in. But somehow, I feel that all these self-doubting and stuffs, all these unsure feelings of myself and lack of freaking confidence, I feel that it has to do with my uncertainty with Christianity. I believe in God. I do. But you see, I'm not doing much. I'm not doing anything. And I have so many questions about Christianity that I haven't yet to explore them and try to find answers for them. There are so many questions. And especially when so many things happened lately, the questions keep increasing. And I guess I just need to find some time alone with God and really sit down and read the bible properly and I don't know. Do something.

What I really need to do is slowly get my life in check. I want to be able to say I am a Christian confidently when someone asks for my religion. Not to say about getting baptise or what, I mean my heart. I want to be sure that I truly believe in God and this faith. Yea, I guess it's something that takes time and only I can do it. To slowly figure out all these things. If you need help, ask for it. I'm pretty sure there are quite a lot of people out there who will help you with this. Take my own mother and sister for instance. They will be more than happy to help you answer these questions.

So yes, I need to stop beating myself up and remember that you are stronger than this. You are better than this. And you have good qualities in you that you probably know but forget sometimes. Not to be all ego. But yes, I ain't a terrible person. Not even close. Just need to slowly settle this messy life that I caused myself to be in. Self-discovery. HAHA! Ok, maybe not self-discovery but more of really just getting my life straight out. I know some people can work with their lives in a mess but I think I can't. As in I can for now because I still need to finish my semester well and I don't have that much time to sit and think. Even typing this blog post isn't something I should be doing actually. But yea, I need to really get everything cleared up because there is just no direction and I think I need to have some sort of direction in life. It doesn't have to be a very clear one but I need something at least.

Alright. I feel slightly better typing this out. And yes, I promise that the future posts will be better and stop being all negative about life and what not. Maybe I should just post about all the trips and stuffs that I have yet to post about instead of all these random rants and breakdowns and questioning about life.

close your eyes and breathe

I realise I really miss my old friends. How old friends are really gold. How you are just so mad comfortable with them and can talk to them for hours and hours and still having a lot of talk about. How the conversations are endless. And how you can be silly and nonsense with them. Do stupid things and laugh like mad. And not caring a damn about what they think because they have seen and know you enough to know those different sides of you. And despite seeing all those different sides of you, they still love you and embrace you all the same. And are still freaking here for you. How they are really the people you are so crazy comfortable with.

I really miss it. I'm not saying that with my uni friends I'm not being myself. It's not just as comfortable I guess? There is still something different. Ok ah, some uni friends I'm quite comfortable with them also. How I know I can really just say whatever I want to and all that. But yea, old friends are really just comfort. It's easy with them. Haha!

And how it's really not enough to just see them once. Like I will really miss them after meeting them. Those strange kind. Haha! They are just comforting I guess? But yes yes, uni really isn't that bad in terms of friends. I have my old friends with me in uni too and pretty great new friends also.

But yea, sometimes you just miss those few familiar faces. I have no idea how in the past, we can just meet up a few times in a year and not feel sad or what. Lol! It's very strange. Like now I really legit miss my friends. Ever since uni started I think? It's very strange. Haha! Uni has that effect ah. That's why, I would really love it if everyone comes to SMU. Then I can just randomly bump into people I genuinely love a lot and freak happy to see.

I guess this makes me appreciate them more so it's not a bad thing. Just that yea, when you do see them and meet them, you really treasure that time with them and time just past so damn quickly when you are with them. It's amazing ah. Haha!

And yes, really crazy blessed that I have these people who are really going to be there for me. Like when I think about them, I'll remember that yes, I am not alone in this. That I have quite a few people rooting for me and will really catch me when I fall and if I fall. It's pretty comforting to remember that. So yes, I need to remember that more and keep calm and carry on.

And my family. I haven't talk to my sister for 2 days? 'Cause I reached home when she was asleep and either she left house before I woke up or I left house before she woke up. It's quite crazy. But yes, I actually miss my sister when she is here in Singapore with me. And okay, I miss her too when she was in US also. But then again, that was because she was in US. And my mum and my dad. I really truly hate the fact that as I grow older, they are growing older too. You see, having young looking parents, I tend to forget that they are getting older too. And it really sucks when I remember that yes, they are getting older too. And how as you get older, in terms of those kind of older, it will start to get different. And it just kinda sucks.

For us, we complain about getting older but we are actually just freaking hell entering a crucial point of our lives. For the next 10-20 years of my life from now on, these 10-20 years are the peak of my life. I would think so. It's going to be crazy and one hell of a ride. But I really hope it will be a good ride. I know it won't be smooth sailing all the way but I'm sure there will be the good days too. I'm excited but scared at the same time.

And freak, I really really hope that some things will still stay awesome. I guess growing together with my friends. How yea, as we grow older, we are still the same in the friendship? But yea, I'm sure it will all be alright. I mean yea, those that truly matters will stay and continue to matter but those that don't, it's cool too.

And wow, I realise my camera is really sitting in my dry cabinet and rotting. December December. I will promise to take you out more and show you to the world. There is still something about taking photos that I really enjoy. And being the one behind the lens. It honestly feels great. I think it's something that only photographers can really understand. Lol! How holding the camera feels great, even if you aren't in the picture. Though okay, recently I have been in front of the camera more and I like that too. Haha! No matter what, photos are still awesome. Like it's not because you want to look nice or what but you just want to be brought back to that memory once again when you look at the photos. The memories. That's why I really love photos. There is just something about them. Still life. And how yea, one picture can speak so much about it. It's pretty amazing.

SO YES. I'll promise myself to really get that camera out. It's not supposed to be sitting at home and it's supposed to be out exploring. But yes wow, money. Money is another thing too. Savings are pretty important so yees, I'm trying my best to cut my spendings though it can be slightly tricky at times.

But yes, anyway, I typed a nicer post on my phone just now but my battery died and it didn't save so too bad. Haha! And this, I'm typing with eyes half closed. Alright, time to stop.

Postivity. I am trying. Because in this univeristy life, it's freaking hard to stay positive.

And breathe. You need to breathe to stay alive. Take deep breaths. Catch your freaking breath. And remember that you are not the only one facing all these issues. Yes, they may be facing different issues from you, but it doesn't mean they don't have other issues as well. You aren't freaking alone. And stop thinking that you are the only one facing all these stuffs because you are not.

Everyone has issues. You deal with them. Don't think that you are alone because you are not. And smile for goodness sake. Everyone is saying you look horrible. And I think you really do, Yi Fang.

Stop being lost. Stop complaing. Stop thinking that you have so many things to do because everyone has so many things to do. Stop stressing because it doesn't get anything done. Start doing. Actions speak so much louder. And I don't know. Get your freaking life in check. Ever since last year, your life had been a freaking mess. You really ought to start clearing it up. Stop wasting time on stuffs that don't matter.

And yes, you are surrounded by so many people who care and love you and will definitely help you. Don't give up. You held on so long in the first place. And this sem, you promise yourself to make your grades better. Do it. Prove that you actually make it. That you aren't that horrible.

And I guess, I really miss people. I don't know. The past few weeks had just been crazy and a blur. This semester kinda hasn't been that great. But it's not over. And I know there are a lot more shit and nonsense to do. It's pretty crazy but yes, the key is to just keep going forward.

And remember that you are better than what you think you are. Like freak sia, stop thinking that you can't do it. And start believing that you are better than that. That you can do so much more. That you are capable of great things. Don't let other's talents make you feel inferior. Because yes, they may be really very good, but that doesn't mean that you are not. Yes, you may not be better than them but you are good in your own ways too. Stop degrading yourself and believe that yes, you can make it too. It's hard to remember this when you are surrounded by people who are so freaking smart. But you really aren't that bad yourself. Remember that you are actually here in university. You can't be that bad. And honestly, I know I can make it. It's really whether I want to or not. Put in more freaking effort. If you want to procastinate somemore, or be lazy, then why are you in uni?

we aren't the only ones growing older

So this whole concept of death. Ageing mostly actually. How as we grow older, we tend to forget that the people around us are growing old too. And that as they grow older, they are also nearer to the finishing line. To when they go on to the next phase of their life. Yes, I believe that we only have one life to live. So we should live it well. But I also believe that after we die, where we will end up in, it matters. For me, I do believe that after we die, we will go to this place where everyone you love is with you. Heaven. My ideal heaven is with God, Jesus and everyone I love on earth.

I guess, I can't really say much about afterlife too 'cause I'm still in the midst of understanding this whole concept. I still can't exactly wrap my head around it. Because afterlife kinda contradicts my believe of having only one life to live. Because yea, if there is afterlife, then that means we live for eternally. After we die, we are still alive? I guess it's more of we will be in a place where there is not troubles. Where you are just relieved of all the unhappiness and negativity on earth. Where you are with your loved ones. And you look over the ones who are still living on earth. I guess that's what it means? I guess yea, I have to read up and understand more about this though. As in yea, because right now, because we are living and very much alive in this world, afterlife is just a pretty distance concept. It's something that we will only know when we stop living this life. Stop breathing.

And I don't know. Value of a person. We tend to take many people and things for granted while they are still there. It's something in humans that is very hard to just get rid of. Because yea, life gets busy to the point where you forget what's truly important. With all the crazy deadlines and stuffs. And how you will think that there is always tomorrow. That you can go visit someone another day. Talk to them another time because yea, there is always tomorrow.

But yea, what if tomorrow cease to exist? Honestly, I have a lot of questions about all these now. But yea, it's not something that I should really be occupied with now. Because yes, ten thousand things to do with deadlines and everything. It's pretty crazy. But I guess yea, I just have to get started and I will get the hang of it. I'm sure. Have to ah.

And I guess, as we live this life, just do the very best that you. Love the people around you. Treasure them like crazy. Those who matter you will know it from your heart. Those who don't, you will also know it and slowly they will stop being important in your life. It's not about cutting them out of your life, but some people are really not worth it? Because yes, you make time for people who are worth it. People who meant something. It's all very strange now. As in confusing. But I guess if you think about it, ultimately, in all forms of relationships, it works both ways. If you are the only person caring, if you are the only person giving a damn, then there isn't any point in holding on to this relationship. Because yea, it works both ways. And I don't know. It's not about meeting up often also. It's about how you just know from your heart. Like deep down. You know when you matter to someone and when someone matters to you. I guess it's something that can't be quantified. It's all from the heart. It's not something you need to see or what. It's just something you know. Like yes, this person is someone I care about. And I know that person also cares about me. No matter how busy life gets, you know that you will always want the best for this person and look out for them. And yes, they feel that about you too. Reciprocate. Something that you just know.

And yes, always remember that you aren't the only one getting older. We always get to caught up in the fact that we are growing older and whine and complain about it that we forget that hey, our parents are growing older as the year goes by too, our grandparents, our aunts and uncles, our siblings, our cousins, our friends. Ok friends, technically, most of your friends will be around your age so it isn't really a major issue. It's more of parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles I guess? 'Cause yea, them growing older means them nearing death. To put it bluntly.

Yea, everyone will die someday. It's the fact of life. There isn't any other way to sugar coat it. But I guess as we live this life, remember to live it well. Appreciate and treasure the people around you. Show you freaking appreciation for them because yes, life is freaking short and you really won't know what will happen next. And yes, do the very best that you can in all that you are doing. As long as you do your best, you won't have any regrets. It's not about being the best or being number one and all that. It's really about doing to your best capabilities. Putting effort into everything that matters. Not just studies. Your relationship with people around you.

And I don't know, I guess just living a good and happy and fulfilling life. If you aren't happy about doing something, find the joy in it and do it to your very best. I'm sure that no matter what you do, there will be things about it that can make you enjoy it. No point doing it unwillingly because it just makes you sad and unmotivated. Don't just do stuffs because of responsibilities. As in of course, you cannot just give up and throw in the towel just because you are unhappy doing them. When you take up responsibilities, you go all the way through with it. And do it to your best. But also enjoy the process of it. I'm sure there will be things that make all of it worthwhile and happy for. Constantly remind yourself that and I'm sure you will be alright. If not, rely on your family and friends for support and help and happiness. Use their energy and encouragement when you ran out of it. Complain, rant. Just whatever because it's crazy important to let it out of your system. Suppressing stuffs in your brain and all is freaking unhealthy.

I guess yea, this whole death thing is just making me think a lot about living and death. It all feels really strange. And I don't know. I guess foreign is the word since death is not something I know of. But no matter what, I wish with all my heart that death is a good thing. That the person is in a much happier place and with people who he love. And yes, looking over all of us here on earth and making sure we are alright. Guardian angel.

And I'm quite sure I have a lot of typos and spelling errors and grammar errors and structure errors and repetitive like mad. But my eyes are half closed now so I'm not going to care.

And this numb feeling towards death. I don't like it. Because yes, I don't know. I really hate how busy life is that you can't really exactly sit down and think properly. Or rather for someone who needs sometime to think about stuffs like these properly. How you just get thrown along with the wave of life and just get tossed along, struggling to keep afloat. It's pretty tiring. And giving up isn't an option. Well, it is but it's not something I want to do. I really have ten thousand thoughts all over the place I realise. I'm just crazy rambling. So yes yes, I should stop and start work.

strong

[ I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."
But I don't care,
I'm not scared of love.
'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
That you make me strong? ]

Strong - One Direction

Somehow, this song lasted me through those few days at the funeral wake. Haha! It's a very strange song to get stuck in my head but I guess it's more of the title that was holding me through those few days. Strong. 

To be strong isn't easy. Having to hold back because you don't want be all crying and emotional in front of your family. Because you need to be strong for your grandmother and mum and everyone else basically. And how you should be happy for your grandfather because you know that he is in a much happier place now. 

It's hard but it's not impossible. And I swear family support is the best. How all of us came together and held on to each other for support. Helping out as much as we can amidst all our very busy lives. And how we know that yes, we really have each other and that we need to stay strong because Gong Gong will want us to stay strong and take good care of Po Po.

And yes, I really love my friends who have been crazy supportive and know the right words to say and really just there for me and know that I will be alright. And for just listening. I guess more of having faith in me and knowing that no matter what, Yi Fang will be okay and she will talk to us if she needs to. I guess yea, to know that these people will always be there for you if you need them. And yea, I really cannot be more thankful. 

I miss so many of them though. Super long since I saw most of them. Because university is pretty much not fun mostly. And time constraints and all that. 

But you see, I realise the thing with time, yes, it's short. We only have 24 hours a day. Many people to spend time with. But I guess it's not the quantity of time but the quality. You can just meet for a mere half an hour but it can be a very good half an hour and that's more than enough. Accompany your parents for dinner, going to your grandparents' house. Everything counts. What you do and what you say and they know how much you love them through your actions. You don't have to say that you care about them or tell them you love them always because they know. They can see from your actions. You can feel it from your heart. 

Maybe that's why I never have the habit of expressing love for anyone. Except on special occasion. And also when it's sarcasm with a little bit of truth. Haha! But yes, I really do love all these very important people in my life. People who have faith and believe in me and always have my back no matter what. You guys are pretty awesome. It really gives me the strength to carry on. 

Finally recess week to catch my breath for awhile. But yea, I need to start studying and working hard too. Even though it's recess week 'cause yea, there are still many many things to do. And just a few more week to the end of year 2 sem 1. Might as well make the very best out of it. Even if it means to be more busy and tired and what not. 

BUT, I still want to see my lovely comfy humans so please meet me k. Tried to meet up with many people this weekend but somehow everyone isn't free. But in a way it's good also 'cause I needed some downtime alone too. But yes, meet up soon please. And yes, I am happy that I'll be seeing some of them soon this Friday~ Hehe. Can't wait. =)

Strength from many people, thank you giving me your strength to pull through the past two weeks. The past 2 weeks had been pretty horrible but I think I've reached the peak of horrible week so nothing can really bring me down anymore 'cause I survived those 2 weeks. But yes, there are still many things to do so I still need to gather more strengths and pull through all the way until finals. And yes, I know I can do this. 

Thank You God for blessing me with so many incredible people in my life. My family and friends. Thank You.

funerals are for the living

The quote above has been in my head for the past few days.

I have many things I want to type out. But the words don't seem to be coming out. And I guess yea, there are so many things to do that I can't seem to mourn properly. The closure. After this week I guess. I need strength to last through this week before recess week 'cause there are too many things to do. I can't let myself succumb to tears and sadness and emotions in general.

But I do know that I love you and I'll miss you like crazy. But I know you are in a happier place now and I am glad that you are not suffering anymore. And don't worry, we will take care of Popo. Rest in peace, Gong gong. I know you will always look over all of us from now on.

white flag

You may probably be reading this. Even if you are or aren't, I don't really care. Even if you don't know if I'm talking about you, I don't really care. Because I don't want to bother about you and your life anymore. I'll let you live your own life because yea, you are freaking 20 years old already. And we have given you ten thousand advices that I guess have all gone to waste.

I'm not angry. Ok, probably right now, I am because it's still quite fresh. But it's more of the kind of anger where you honestly don't give a shit anymore. Thank you for wasting all those time talking to you about all these. I didn't think it was wasted time initially 'cause I thought that you will actually take those advices. But yep, I was wrong. And guess what? It wasn't the first time that I was wrong. This whole situation looks too damn familiar. Yet again. You can say that it's different. I will try to believe you. But don't blame me for being skeptical.

Oh yes, and the best part is I hear no news from you. Either you are scared of telling us or that you also don't bother about what we are going to say anymore. Or sick of hearing what we are going to say. Or that we will judge you or what not. If you dare say that the reason you didn't tell us was because we are so busy, then well, I don't even know what to say. Because yes, we are busy, but we will make time for people we care about. We aren't busy until we don't even have time for anything else.

Aiya, actually, you know what, I'm really raising the white flag. I don't know what you are thinking, but I hope that somehow you are actually doing something right. And I still hope that I may be wrong about all this because yes, I still want the best for you even though you disgust me so much recently because once you are my friend, it's hard to just throw you away.

But you know, I really have no energy to care anymore. Just think about what you have done and freaking hell consider other people's feelings. Not mine. Not any of your friends. But the people who you hurt the most. Think about what the hell they are feeling right now. And don't freaking blame them for feeling this way. And don't self-pity. Because that will just make you more disgusting.

rainy and cold and alone in the house make you feel negative somehow

I just want to curl up in my bed and not do anything. This weird nagging feeling, this bloody unsettling feeling inside, it's so freaking annoying. I can't shake it off and focus and it's honestly making me very annoyed with myself. I can't even pinpoint what exactly is bugging me because it feels like it's the accumulation of too damn lot of things.

I'm trying my best to think happy thoughts but it's kinda hard when there is just too much. Too damn freaking lot of things to do. It's very very annoying. I guess the most annoying part is how there are so many things to do but here I am still not exactly doing them. Or taking them long.

And freak, I miss people. It's just how some people you need to see from time to time to make you feel better somehow. Jialat sia. How to go exchange like that? And I guess it sucks 'cause you want to talk to them more often but then also, you don't have the time 'cause yes. And I guess I miss more of hanging out with them to not do anything. Like I mean I do see people I like who are in the same sch with me but we will always be doing work and sch related stuffs 'cause yes, right now, life's really like this. So yes, I miss hanging out with them for hanging out.

And my family also. My dad and my sis are both overseas now so it's just me and my mum and she's staying over at my grandma's to accompany my grandparents. I want to accompany my mum to many places 'cause it's just the two of us here in sg but freak, these few weeks just so happen to be the most time-crunching weeks. Sucks ah. It really sucks.

I need to find some sort of genuine inner peace. And I don't know, start doing freaking work. Time to work a lot more harder. Freak lar Yi Fang. Stop ruining your own life. It's damn stupid. 

But in other better news, Mayday's concert was really good. HAHA! And their songs are stuck in my head. The best part is one of the songs that is stuck in my head wasn't even a song they sang during the concert. LOL But they are really amazing I swear. My favourite Chinese group. 'cause their songs are really damn solid.

Anyway, yes, back to work I need to calm down and freaking hell focus already. No time to lose. And also, other people depend on me doing work so I really need to up my game.

nights are weird

I think I forget the feeling of people coming to find me and help me instead of me being the one finding instead. As sad as it sounds. Somehow, I realise I'm really usually the one who volunteers to do stuffs. To go there, take this, take that, do this, do that. I mean, yea, there are still people who will be more than willing to go places for me and do stuffs for me. They aren't non-existence. Just that yea, I realise I'm usually the one taking more initiative. And I guess it's making me slightly tired. I'm not saying that I'm the most initiative person. But sometimes, or many times actually, after saying yes to doing something, I will find myself asking, "Why Yi Fang? Why did you just say Yes to this when it doesn't make sense for you to say Yes." But you see, I promised already so it's very bad to say no after saying yes.

But actually, I think I'm slowly starting to say no more often. Or rather, not giving a definite answer. Which I think isn't good too. I don't know if it's habit or what. But I feel bad after not giving a definite answer or giving a reluctant yes to some request of some sort. It's crazy I know. Like Yi Fang wth, you don't have to say yes to every single freaking thing. You don't have to take initiative for everything. Saying no won't kill you. You shouldn't feel bad about it 'cause you can't help with every single freaking thing. Like wth, why are you feeling bad for? It doesn't make any sense.

I think I really need to learn to stop feeling bad for stuffs that make no sense. Or maybe I just kinda hope that somewhere somehow, someone will say Yes to everything I want to do or what not. Someone who will go all out for me. Just because.

Nights really make you think all sorts. Or maybe I'm just tired. And have ten thousand things to do but one, I don't know how to do them, two, I don't feel like doing them, three, I've got no time to do them but they still need to be submitted, four, I'm just plain lazy, or five, I'm tired. No idea how I got so tired. Ok, kinda know why but still. It's the kind where I just want to stay at home and just stay at home. Because home is still the best place on earth.

it's not gone yet

Lights in Phnom Penh.

Whenever I look at the photos from the Cambodia trip, my heart always ache. For the children in the photos. And sigh, I really want to go back. Why is money always a factor in life? And time. And many other things.

I know there is a limit to how much I can do. But I really hope to be able to see these children again. And hopefully, they will remember me too. Haha! But yea, to see their smiles again. And hear them share about what they like and aspire to be. We were all young once. You know how it feels like to be a child who full of hopes and dreams. And to see it in their eyes, it just lets you have faith that yes, humans are still great. That everyone is born with big dreams and goals and the innocence in them. Despite them having been through quite a lot of trials at such a young age, they are still able to smile brightly at us. It's something that I probably won't ever forget.

And yes, I really hope that it will be possible for me to visit them again. Someday. It will be great if they are able to come here. And then we can show them around. But yep, that might take awhile before it happens. There is so much for them to grow and develop and gah, I just really wish they will have a good education experience at the school despite not having a good one in their public school. But okay, I guess more about this next time. I shouldn't be blogging now but the feels came creeping in 'cause I had to choose some photos to be burn into a CD for the school.

Also, shout out to the dark knight for doing damage control to a crazy emotional wreck. Haha! Okay lar, more of a ranting session that gave way to great and wonderful enlightenment about life and what not. We will get through this!! "Take charge of your own life" No thank you for the reminder. =)

sun with moon

HAHAHA Since I wasted time doing this collage, and since I think posting on Insta is a bit lame and weird, might as well post it here. At least must show my hard work in doing this collage. Yes, I have no idea why I actually spent time doing it. I think I was bored with doing legit work and just decided to dedicate my time to these annoying two idiots.

4 years liao~ I forgot that it was already 4 years. Lol! Sometimes, you really just forget that they have been together for 4 years already. But yes, these two have taught me how to be thick-skin and shine brightly as a light bulb. HAHA! Crashed their dates countless of times but they still embrace me with wide arms. Well, sometimes ah. HAHA! There are times when Swe wants me to go away. HAHA! But yes, they will usually still adopt me if I need friends. They are probably the only couple I don't feel weird around 'cause I've been their light bulb since before they got together. Trained already. Honourary third wheel. HAHA!

Actually, the two of them will probably not see this. HAHA! But it's okay lar. I just still want to post this 'cause I already made that stupid collage. Itchy fingers ah. And I realise I have a lot of photos of them in my phone somehow. LOL! Honourary photographer. Their personal photographer. I still think I take the nicest photos of them. Like most of their non-selfie nice couple shots are usually the ones I take. Heh. Proud of it. OHYA I still haven't do a photo shoot with them. HAHA! I have been saying that since erm, very very long ago. But ok, quite sure they aren't free also. So it's cool. HAHA! Wait until they free ah! Then I will do a nice one so that their 5th anniversary got nice photos. Heh.

But yep!!! They aren't the sweetest and chessiest couple I know but they are pretty unique in their own ways and there are times when I will just look at them and think how thank God that have each other 'cause they are both so weird individually. HAHA Okok, bad karma points but really ah. They are very funny people. Haha! Maybe that's why they are together. Heh.

Wait for me to find a boyfriend then we double-date ok! HAHA That's the dream. Sort of ah. Haha! I think it will be quite cool though. But wow, I realise we are all 20 years old already. Haha! Super fast I realise. 4 years ago, we were just doing O levels. LOL! Scary.

But anyway, this is a very strange post but still wish these two a happy anniversary~ They are honestly two really awesome pple. And I guess the reason why they are a pretty special couple to me is 'cause they are both my close friends and one is that friend I'm stuck with for life. They are still one of my favourites so I'm still rooting for you guys all the way~ Through many ups and downs but I have faith that you guys will conquer them.

Latch (Acoustic) - Sam Smith

[ I’m so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamoured, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it? You got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?

I feel we're close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?

Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you ]

Latch (Acoustic) - Sam Smith

This song. Go hear. It gave me goosebumps when I first heard it and wow. Acoustic versions are wow. And Sam Smith's voice. It's like woah. But ok. This is my favourite of his songs. Like it just gives you the creep. And yes, it got stuck in my head for awhile.

I think I'm getting the hang of school. HAHA! Okay ah, week 4 already. It just really feels like school started for a very long time already and freak, it's going to be week 7 soon. I swear, university life is like a freaking bullet train. I'm now on to my 300m in my 800m race (yea, I dunno why I use this as my measurement for uni but let's continue) and yea, it's the time where you start to get out of breath and feel like walking. But you can't. Because you know that once you start walking, you will continue on so you just have to force yourself and push yourself on.

It's so scary how fast time is going by because I realise some of the guys are going into uni next year already. So freaking fast. And also, that means another few many rounds of going to the airport and sending people off. =( And the girls are going for exchange in Year 3 also. So yes, another few rounds of that. And yep, everyone is going to be everywhere. All over the world. It's pretty exciting though.

I am honestly pretty excited for exchange. If I get it. I am really going to strive towards it. And really save like mad. I still owe money from all over. =\ Okay, actually just to my parents. But you see, the thing about owing money to your parents is that there isn't exactly a deadline to your payment. And honestly, the money I earn in the future, some of it will be for them too. It will be their money so yes, HAHA! But ok, I still want to spend my own money for my own travelling so I will save. I think I have been not bad. For Australia and Cambodia, I paid for everything myself so yep. That's not too bad. Haha!

But damn. I really want to go overseas in December but I know I should save up more. And just wait until Summer break. =\ Or maybe can take short trips to Bintan or what. Haha! All these plans shall wait until erm, after finals. I really need to focus on doing well this sem. I think I'm getting there. Need to be more efficient though. And stop being freaking lazy. Laziness kills. So I'm really going to make it a point to wake up earlier everyday 'cause you realise you suddenly have so much more time when you have the whole morning. And it feels freaking good. Strange enough, I still think I'm a pretty morning person though I don't always wake up early. Haha! Oh well.

And I also realise that I haven't post about a lot of stuffs yet too. As in maybe not post but like reflection all. Especially about my Cambodia trip. But yea, these things stays in your heart forever. Some stuffs you just won't ever forget. And yep, I will try to do it in December. HAHA! And yea lar, many other stuffs. I look at my blog posts drafts and I will feel the urge to continue where I left off but I know it will take probably a whole day to complete them. Typing these nonsense is a lot easier.

Anyway, yes, go listen to Latch. It's a really nice song.