you're the light in the dark

[ Like water in the desert 
Impossible to find 
But you found me when I was broken 
Put me back together, gave me life 
Like a flower in the concrete 
So beautiful and rare 
You gave me hope when I was empty 
Walked me through the fire, you were there ]

you! - LANY

hellooo as always, I ended up not reflecting properly before the year ends in 2020 hahaha but okay okay, I do really wanna do it properly but not now 'cause I am really tired so this will be a pre-reflection again HAHA 

I was just thinking that I can actually see the progression in myself over the last 3 years since I graduated in 2017:

2017 was the year that I was fresh out of school with many dreams and hopes and excitement for the future and work. And I also actually posted more then because I was free after graduation and before looking for jobs HAHA family and friends wise, I am certainly very thankful for wonderful family as always and the friendships that I forge over the years. I feel that once these friends continue to be your friends even after work started and we all still make the effort to meet, it's really kinda locked in for life. At least for me. So just very very thankful to have found people who reciprocated the love hehe 

2018 was the first year of work where I truly struggled a lot but also learned so so much about myself and how work is truly like. And I am certainly very thankful to have had the experience I had in my first job because on hindsight, it really pushed me and I am who I am now at work because of that first experience as well. And I did truly enjoy the work that I do and the colleagues are definitely ones for the keeps. Learning to also appreciate your family more and just be a better daughter, sister and granddaughter. I think 2018 was a year where I realise how mental health is so so important. Last time you kinda just dismiss it but wow, it really changed me quite a lot that everyone around me can tell that I am really not happy at my work and it affected my personal life too. And that's just bad. So yes, you should never neglect your own mental health no matter. But yes, I'm so glad I came out of it and really became stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

2019 was actually one really strange year that I also honestly didn't reflect properly. I guess it was a year for me to take a mental break after 2018 and just take life slowly. With that said, I admit that I am one who doesn't like things to be too slow. And I hate it when I go into a slump and just feel very meh. Which yea ah, it was the running topic for 2019, which I guess made me stop posting because I just felt like I kept saying the same things and not doing them and I was just going around in circle. Then again, okay I only posted twice in 2019 HAHA but yea, I remember feeling really uncomfortable and just feel like I am not being myself or at my fullest potential. That I can do more but I am just not doing it. But okay, I guess it's really a well needed break for me to take a step back after 2018 so there are reasons for why everything happened. 

So 2020 had been a year where I learn to accept myself as I am and grow to learn that I am a human being with flaws and that is perfectly normal and okay. What's more important is to admit that you are flawed and to continue grow and learn and remind yourself that there is nothing definite about this life. What you thought you know for your whole life can very easily be wrong. It makes you feel uncomfortable when you realise that but that is precisely the feeling that you need to feel in order to grow properly. I think for the longest of time, I had always think that we should only think positive things and be happy always. But I come to realise that you need all emotions in order to be a fully functioning human. You cannot be happy forever and you shouldn't. I think when I was watching Inside Out for the first time, I thought it was a great show but didn't exact think more about the reflection of that in my own life. I think it was only until 2020 that I fully learn to accept this. Okay maybe 2018/2019 I already kinda realise it more? Like it's okay to be sad, angry, lazy, and all the negative emotions. You need these emotions as a signalling to tell you that hey, there is something that is not going right here that you should probably do something to change it. I think reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in 2020 really helps to put this into perspective. The contents in the book are things you already know but it's always a good reminder. 

And of course, 2020 had been a year like no other with the entire earth being shaken by COVID-19. It's really one for the history textbook as there is really nothing like this ever I think. We are living through history and it definitely felt very very surreal. Of course, me typing this now feels a bit weird because it had sort of became the norm since it started happening in March 2020. But I think it is definitely still very very weird experience where you are at home for most of the time and you feel that your time had stood still but you are actually growing and learning more than ever. 

Which, okay, I kinda regret not keeping up with writing down my thoughts more often in 2020 but I guess you will remember the learnings and reflections that are important to you right? 2020 had been truly the strangest year but the year that I felt like I grew and develop so much in terms of personal thoughts and etc. I told my friends I felt like I had some system upgrade for my brain hahaha. Yes, I am saying this as if I am a robot but idk how else to best describe. Okay, mind update LOL but yea ah its really suddenly realising how there are so many things that you are wrong about this life and accepting that it is okay to be wrong and just have to remind yourself regularly that what you think is never definite.  

It's kinda like the bubble of how easy and rosy life is kinda just shattered. And that is okay. Or rather, I found it so so important that it shattered because let's face it, I am not getting younger and I think it's even more important for me to understand what this life is and not remain sheltered by my parents and sister. I gotta start figuring out properly what I want to do from here on for my life and start planning accordingly. Of course, also remember to accept yourself as you are and let yourself rest when you want to and feel slump-ish when it happens. You are only human k, so give yourself a damn break. 

So okay, as usual, ended up kinda ramble more than I intended. I can never be succinct. That's why this blog is really just a dump of my thoughts. Thinking out loud but in typing form. So okay lar, I'll try to properly reflect by themes soon for 2020 and maybe 2019 if I can too. And of course what's the way forward for 2021. 

And above all else, I am thankful that I got to understand more about God and Christianity. There is more to learn and I'll try to elaborate more in next post but truly it's God's time and just so thankful to know that He is always watching over me and guiding me through life. That I am really not in this journey alone.

Special shoutout to people who actually is still reading this LOL you really don't have to also k but I truly appreciate you for being curious about my thoughts HAHA thanks for always having my back

Leaving this quote from a pouch that my dear friend gave for Christmas:

"She believed she could so she did"

hindsight is 20/20

hellooo it has been so so long since I type here that it honestly feel a bit weird but also very comforting and familiar feeling at the same time as I start typing more. 2020 has been one heck of a year and I feel like if I don't post at all and have some reflection at the end of the year, it is not doing the year a justice. 

This year has been all sorts of strange but personally, it has truly been a year that I think I've grown the most in terms of the way I view the world and everything around me. I mean, I believe I had grown over the years, especially so when I read back at my old blog posts or insta posts and cringe so bad. But those growth are usually gradual and unrealised? It's just suddenly one day, you slowly just became different. But I think for this year, the growth had been accelerated and especially so when I had more time with myself to reflect and think. Though one thing I regret is not documenting my thoughts more frequently and better. It's really kinda just all over the place, as usual. But I mean okay, at least I did share them with people around me on some things so I guess that helps a bit? You somehow remember things better when you say it out. 

ANYWAY, so okay, I think I will do another post to properly reflect cause I'm technically supposed to sleep now. But I guess one important takeaway from this year is that I should always be constantly learning and growing and changing my mindset to be a better person in this world. I mean, humans are never perfect and we are almost always learning new things and making mistakes here and there. But change is always the only constant in this life right? To be comfortable with things changing constantly and learning to let go. To be honest, the learning to let go back is still something that I'm trying hard to but it really takes time. I think there are indeed some parts of me that has been like that since forever but yknow, at least acknowledging it and actively trying to change it is a step forward. 

And overthinking also. Like wow, if you yourself is already thinking of so many things at one go, what makes you think that your this one small thing is what's bugging other people. It is most likely not significant and it just got amplified in your head because well, you think better things to worry and think about. 

Anyway, I think I might have digressed again. But I guess really just gotta have faith in yourself and trust the process. Trust that whatever decisions that you are making now, they are all part of God's plans for you. You may not understand now, you may never understand ever in your life, but you know that He is the truth and that He will never want the worse for you. This is all part of the process to whatever He has in stall for you. You just gotta be patient and remember that yea, He is here always. 

But yes, this has been yet another incoherent post but I promise to come back and do a better reflection 'cause I think I really need to just consolidate all my thoughts properly. Thankyou my random stalkers who are causally come in to read for fun. And reading this rubbish LOL but okay okay, stay tune for next post. 

hello

It has been so long that I think I kind of forget that I have this as well hahaha

But I guess it's always nice to come back once in awhile and read back the thoughts that I used to have. And realise that to be honest, nothing much as changed, in both good and bad ways. I'll probably try to reflect proper about 2019 more. 

For now, it's a strong reminder to myself here that I am in control of my own life and my own story. Of course, God has His plans for me but definitely if you feel that there is something not right, please do something and stop being passive. You don't like people being passive but why are you being passive about your own life?

I think that's my main problem? I gotta start figuring myself out before I figure other people out. You can't fully know other people if you don't even know yourself and the things you want and the things you feel for. So yes Yi Fang, here is a reminder that it is okay to be in a slump, it is okay to feel like shit. But you should always remember that things will get better but you gotta get yourself out of it and do something about it as well. And it is also okay if you don't want to do something about it right now. I guess most importantly is to do things and feel things that you want to. Stop being so hard on yourself and feel that you need to do things and etc. 

I think I should a bit contradicting in the previous paragraph but I guess what I'm trying to say is just cut yourself some slack and learn to enjoy the simple things. Don't be so uptight and serious about everything and just let things be. Learn to let go and enjoy whatever you have. Life really really isn't that hard if you let yourself go once in awhile. You don't need to be in control of every thing. Learn to trust and have faith. 

insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

[ Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?  

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure ]

Under Pressure - Queen, David Bowie

Honestly, 2019 so far hasn't been that bad. Just that I think 2018 have been a serious year of learning more about myself and people and what I actually want in life that I guess I haven't properly digest and reflect yet?

Sigh, procrastination is really my worst enemy. But I guess the most important reminder that I gotta tell myself is to really learn to freaking let go and not control so much. And always remember that it is really really okay not to know how things pan out and work out ultimately. That is the beauty of life, isn't it? When things that you least expected happen, it makes you really happy and excited. Or it can also make you feel sad and angry. But regardless, they are all emotions that we as humans need to feel. I think I need to stop being so fixated on the good things and let the bad things in as well. Embrace them as much as they aren't as fun to embrace because these bad moments are important to shape how you are and how you think as well.

And stop being such an emotional wreck. For the most part, I really thought I'm not an emotional wreck hahaha. But lately I realise I really do freaking hell feel way too much for my own sanity's sake. I guess learning to really dissociate yourself from some things and to not take everything to heart. People can say and think whatever they want, and you have no control over it. But it really doesn't matter what they say or think because you owe life and your actions only to yourself. As long as you are answerable to yourself, people can say all they want. But I mean of course, do always remember to take feedbacks and advice from people close as well because they know you well and they meant the best for you. So if they say that you are doing something wrong, please stop being so stubborn and learn to acknowledge them and work on becoming better.

I think really just gotta remember that you are really okay. No matter how hard you think life may be hitting you with, you really got this to most extend. You are alive and well. You have great supportive family and friends. Sure, there are days when it kinda sucks and everything seems bleak, but you really cannot have sunshine and rainbows every day because that's not how life works.

You really just needa learn to be stronger and let things go. Take a freaking chill pill because the thing about life is that it is so unpredictable that you really just gotta live each day good and well and just do your very best everyday. Make the most out of each day and when things fall apart, just pick things up and continue again. Learn from your mistakes and get better.

Honestly, I feel that there is a lot of things that I have to work on. But that in itself shouldn't give me stress and really just gotta remind myself to stop being so damn hard on myself. You don't always have to be a better person. You are only human after all so just please cut yourself some slack. If you really want to take care of others, you really gotta learn to take care of yourself properly first.

Here's to 2019; a year where you take your learnings into action and stop being lazy and procrastinating life. Start living this life properly with your eyes open.

2018; what a year

Hahahaha finally remembered this place.

Past few months had been pretty crazy? Crazy is an understatement. Life just went full-fledged bonkers.

I had to read back my chats with people to remember why it was crazy HAHA I mean, it's a good thing that I don't remember exactly why it was so crazy so that's good. But it's pretty amazing how reading back all those conversations, I still feel them. I mean okay, those were my words so definitely I will feel them.

ANYWAY, so I guess for the most part of my life, I think work has been the one that really gave the most stress hahaha it's like a whole new level of stress. Or idk, it's just really very different from school and etc. And I think for the past year, I really tried my best to adjust to this. Definitely think I did my best but I guess sometimes, the environment and people really matter a lot as well.

And me being me, I am usually not the type of person who gives up easily or rather, I don't think I give up easily and will do my best for most things. As long as I see value in them and it makes sense for me to do it. So work kinda made all these a lot harder for me to achieve. And being the controlling me, having all these things out of control was kinda scary. Or rather, it was very very unfamiliar. And experiencing new emotions and etc. For the most part, when I think back about all these moments, I take them as really good learning experiences. Because yes, I admit that most of my life, I have been pretty sheltered. Or rather, there are of course bad and sad moments but generally, idk it wasn't as intense as the ones that I went through for the past few months. Maybe because they already went by so long ago so I don't feel them as much.

In any case, I guess whatever you go through in life, the good times and the bad times, they are all learning lessons and important moments to shape who you are now and how you think. How you are as a person is defined by these moments as well. So yes, I do know that God has His reasons for letting me go through all these experiences so I am thankful.

And what's most important is that He will always, always help you to find your way back. He always always has your back and look out for you. And I know that I am really blessed by God. So yes, summing up 2018, there is actually a lot more things to say HAHA maybe I'll type another post after this if I can.

But anyway, most importantly is really the people around me who are with me on this crazy ass journey. There are so many people who really have my back and are really there to support me whenever and where ever. Angels from heaven heh. But yes, they are really the people who kept me from hanging on and making me laugh and smile amidst everything. People who remind me that I got this.

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What I really have to remind myself is to treasure the present and what I have now and really live life as it is. And learn to let go of everything and not worry so much. All is well.  

strength

[ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood ] 

In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

This song really resonates with me very well recently. Actually maybe not recently, but ever since I guess for the past few months? Hahaha I mean okay, let's be honest, I feel that ever since I started working, I have been insanely hard on myself for God knows what reasons. I think I have very strange high expectations for myself but hey, sometimes you really just have to admit that there are some things that are truly beyond you and it is really not your job to fix every single thing. You try your best but you know, sometimes there are some things that no matter how hard you try, things won't work out. Yes, you feel helpless, you feel like crap because you see some things that need to be fixed but you can't seem to fix it. That feeling sucks. But you really just gotta learn to let things go and just do your best in ways that you CAN help.

And work hard for those. Read up more, learn more. Learn from people who you know you can look upon to learn from. Ask for help, seek help. Don't feel that you know, I guess just don't carry the weight on your freaking shoulders. Freak, you are only what, less than 1 year of working experience?? Who do you think you are, trying to change the world? If the world can be changed to quickly, life won't be as it is now.

Changes take time and sometimes you really just got to be a bit more patient. And just do what you think you can do. Things that are beyond you, learn to listen to people and let things go. Even those people who are affected understand that it is beyond you. So why can't you give yourself a freaking break? I think that's what happens when you care too much. And you feel that there are some things you really don't agree with but have to follow through because you aren't the one calling the shots.

But I guess with all these come very strong learnings. This job thing may have taken a toll on me but yes, I'm not giving up and I'm going to push forward and really find the strength and purpose in this. And remember why I started this out in the first. Why HR, why this company, why am I still here working hard, what is it that I want to achieve for the next few months.

It really won't get easier; it's just gonna be harder. But yknow, with the right attitude and mindset, coupled with incredible support systems in the form of family, friends and colleagues, I am sure I will have the strength to continue this and really overcome all this. There may be some bumps and bruises along the way but what's life without them right?

There is a reason why God puts you through this. You may not see it yet, but that's where you gotta have faith and trust in Him. Back in 2013, after I got back my A levels results, I was lost as to why things were this way. But things did work out. Fast forward to 2017, I graduated from SMU, found my love for HR and those 4 years in SMU were certainly some of the best years of my life where I can see how much I have grown and found back the person that I have kinda lost back in JC. So God really really has a plan for you. So you really have to push hard and believe that He has His reasons for making you go through all these and to make you stronger and better.

Life is a wonderful adventure; fight hard.

(Also posting this on 4 Oct 1AM hahaha. September had been truly insane that I really didn't have time for this but wow, this has really been a good uplifter. Thank you, Blogger.)

o captain, my captain

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. " 

Robin Williams (Dead Poets Society, 1989)

Always found this paragraph really good but after watching the movie, it gave an even deeper meaning to it. It's definitely a really very good movie worth watching. I feel that they stop making such good movies anymore.

Anyway, half way through 2018; it definitely hasn't been easy. But with that said, the past six months had been nothing short of good and happy times, with lots of growth and learnings and appreciating people who really matter. For the most part, I should definitely start with the great things for the past six months.

Family and friends wise, they have all definitely been the greatest support. I guess as you grow older, you really learn to appreciate the people around you more. Those who truly matter. You realise how even after a long day of work, meeting those people who give you comfort definitely takes that tiring and bad day to another level. Just that energy wise, it's sadly really still tiring even as much as I hope to be able to give my 100% during meet ups. That's why weekends are even more precious because they are the two days of the week where you get to really spend quality time with people who matter. And I'm certainly really thankful and glad that I've found these comfort people who give me strength. Especially when things get bad I guess? Knowing that you have people who will be ready to hear you no matter what. But of course, you have to share the good times as well and I think that's the best part? Enjoying each other's company and sharing the good times and bad times. So thank you all for being part of my life and I really really cannot have made it so far without you guys.

Family is definitely the support that I really need at the end of the day. I really cannot be more thankful to have encouraging and understanding parents who really know that sometimes I just need some time alone to sort out my thoughts and have faith that I will know what to do ultimately. My sister who keeps me in check by providing alternative views and really being the best listening ear when I needed one the most.

Work is definitely the biggest challenge ever since I start in November last year. When there are challenges, it comes with many pros and cons. I guess one thing that I really need to learn is that it is okay to make mistakes. You just have to rectify them and make sure that you don't do them again. And don't be so freaking hard on yourself. You are not incredible and people don't expect you to be. I guess what's important is that as long as you know that you are giving in your best, you have nothing to regret. And learning to let things go. Let things be. Sometimes you just have to not worry so much and trust that things will be alright. You are definitely not here to satisfy everyone. No matter what you do, there will be people who still have something to say. But just remember that there is a reason for whatever you are doing and don't lose sight of that. Remind yourself time and again as to why you are here and what you are here for. And just make the best out of it. There will be times when things get really damn hard but I guess really just have to pick yourself up and recharge and continue fighting. There are times when you feel like you are just following orders but sometimes you just have to learn how to manage that as well? But definitely when you feel that something doesn't feel right, speak up for it. Do not let it go down without a fight.

I'm definitely learning more and more about myself and what are the things I want to do over the past few months as well. I know that for some part, maybe I really don't belong to the corporate world? I mean, I can do this, I can do this job good and well. But I cannot really see myself doing this for a long time. People talk about climbing the corporate ladder but honestly, I give no shit about it. Maybe you can say that it is the lack of ambition. But I guess it's just more of this isn't what I want for myself. What I envision myself to be in is doing something that I truly feel for and have passion about. Life is indeed filled with passion. It is with passion that makes life rewarding and worthwhile living. If we are just merely doing things without passion, how different are we from robots?

But I guess I am a loser for relationships and the most fun part of my job is really my colleagues and talking to them and all that. So for the most part, I really do enjoy what I am doing. So for now, I can still see myself doing what I am doing, which is definitely the most important part. And I am learning, it's not that I am just stagnant here. But I guess of course by the end of this year, I'll definitely reassess all these and see whether there is something else I want to pursue because sometimes you really just got to take that leap of faith to do something that you have always dreamt of doing but don't have the guts for it.

Sometimes you really just need that push to bring you closer to your dreams. But if you don't allow yourself to be pushed, it won't happen as well. 

you are stronger than you think you are

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

But okay with that said, I do believe in the value of complains. Sometimes, you really just need to get it off your chest to feel better and reform and work on changing your attitude towards it. Sometimes, you just need an outlet to express your frustrations.

It's crazy how for the past few months ever since I started my first job, I have experienced so many new things and so many new and different situations. What scares me most is that I forget the things that I have accomplished over the best few months and when I look back on my experience, I can't remember the things that I have done. So I guess thankfully I have my email to look through hahaha and calendar and I guess at least I do tell my family and friends that things that happen at work.

As much as sometimes it gets boring talking about work, you have to admit that it really is a big part of your life and it shouldn't be neglected because it is deemed as not as interesting. Work can actually be freaking damn interesting and work can change the way you think and do things, shape your personality and what not. For the most part, I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I definitely do not want to be.

I guess over these past 8 months, the learnings have been pretty intense. So I think one of the most important things is to really record all of them down because they are important. I think most of the time I tend to forget that I am actually pretty decent? Hahaha as stupid as it sounds, you really forget your own abilities and strengths from time to time. But I'm very much thankful to have very good family, friends and colleagues who will remind me that hey, you are actually doing a pretty decent job. Even if you can't satisfy everyone, you did your best. And in the first place, you are not supposed to satisfy everyone. You win some, you lose some.

At the end of the day, no matter how crazy and tiring this thing is, I'm still very much thankful to have been given this chance and opportunity. And yes, I guess it's really about your mindset and attitude in dealing with all the craziness. No matter where you go, there is bound to be crazy. It's whether this crazy is worth it. For now, it is pretty worth it, so yes, I got this. 

MAY the force be with you

Okay, this is gonna sound so lame but I'm actually typing this on 9 June but because I really really want to keep to my one post per month, I'm backdating this. And anyway, whatever I'm gonna type is related to the month of May so it's the same lar hor LOL (really damn lame I know but yknow, if you are reading this, you know me and you know it's a normal thing for me to do <3 nbsp="" p="">
ANYWAY, so the entire month of May had been pretty crazy? It's really an emotional rollercoaster rides, with the highs going really highs and the lows going really low. But generally the lows aren't that bad. They are mainly just realisation of things and coming to terms with them.

Work has been pretty insane? But also quite satisfying. Especially now with all the interns finally in. It's still crazy with them around. But having these people around actually make me feel kinda happier? HAHA I think 'cause they are really people closer to my age range. And people whom I can kinda relate to more. Just that I'm also super envious of them 'cause they are so much more carefree. I miss being that.

But I guess as you do more thing at your job, naturally the responsibilities shift and it's really both good and bad. And this organisation is really changing and transforming like siao. Every week, I feel different. There will be new things. So actually last week when it came to the end of May, I actually felt genuinely satisfied and happy. So May actually ended quite well? Like I kinda know what I'm doing and how I should be doing it and idk, it just felt a little more clear.

But come this week, and found out some things and suddenly, it's different hahaha BUT ITS OKAY it's all part of the challenge to make myself better at what I do and be a better person. And learn how to manage people better. You say that you want to motivate people at their job and what not, you gotta work on yourself first.

I guess it's really finding out what exactly you wanna focus on and own. The projects you wanna take and how you wanna make sure that they are done well. There is still a lot a lot of learning to do and for the most part, I'm quite excited to learn them? Just that I really need to manage my time better and learn to prioritise and what not. And also document my journey so far. 7 months in already, it's pretty crazy. But I guess amidst the craziness, I found people who I can relate to and people who are good mentors to guide me along. So for the most part, this had been a pretty good experience.

So besides work, the rest are still pretty great HAHAH but also I guess when you have lesser time and lesser energy, you really are able to see more clearer how you want to spend that time and energy and who you want to spend them on. Along with that comes some sad truths but life is really like that so it's all part of learning and growing. WE GOT THIS.

And I think one thing that I really really learn ever since work started is that life is really not rainbows and butterflies no matter how you really hope it will be. As much as we aspire for things to be great and perfect, it usually won't ever be. But that doesn't mean you stop doing things and stop trying to be better. That doesn't mean it's any less worse. I think slowly, you really start to come to terms that there really are some things in life that really sucks and you can't fix it. But that doesn't mean that you still can't enjoy life and appreciate the beautiful of it. It's really all about balance. You need to be both happy and sad. You always need both sides and there will never be only one true side. And I think that's the most beautiful thing about everything. That there is not such thing as definitely right or wrong. It's all up to your own interpretation of things. 

live a life you will remember

[Hey, when face to face with all our fears
Learned our lessons through the tears
Made memories we knew would never fade  

He said, "One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember."
My father told me when I was just a child
These are the nights that never die
My father told me] 

The Nights - Avicii

Not a super fan but Avicii's music are the few EDMs that I really like and listen to often and he's so very very talented and young and it's really quite sad.

A little bit out of words and inspiration 'cause idk, life has been pretty alright. Ups and downs. A lot of learnings, a lot of trying, a lot of uncertainties. With all that said, honestly very thankful to have met really very good people in my life who are honestly very good support system.

I guess, just really have to remember that while there are people who will always have something to say and comment, there are also people who are appreciative of your efforts. And I guess you really need both to make life more interesting and create more balance. And I guess really just gotta be stronger and don't let small things make you forget the bigger picture. Just work hard and of course work smart and if you never try, you really will never know.

I'm still really lacking in a lot of ways and I guess just have to remember that there is still a ton lot of things to learn, a lot of experiences to experience and just gotta keep going but with proper direction. If you are lost, recalibrate and find your way again. And sometimes, it's really okay to feel lost and unsure of where you are going. As long as you don't give up and stop. As long as you really just keep going and trying.

I think it's very very easy to just give up and toss your hands up in the air. So it takes a lot of strength and courage to catch yourself and remember that hey, you are not done with this yet. There are still many things you want to do and to show people what you are capable of doing.

I guess the most important thing is to take everything with a pitch of salt and have confidence in yourself and the things that you are building. Take pride in them and really just don't panic and remember to breathe.

Things may seem a bit crazy at times but if you look closer, you are actually all right and you got this, You are stronger than you think you are so just believe and have faith in your own abilities. The most important thing is really just remember to catch your breath no matter how freaking crazy life seem. You are really stronger than you think you are.

And also, you told yourself to fill 2018 with great memories and new adventures, don't forget this promise to yourself. Adventures can come in all sorts of form and I guess as long as you remember that there is really more life outside of just work, you are good. Which is something you really have to constantly remind yourself and yea, not get too tied up by everything. Learning to let go. 

find someone who is willing to listen to your many stories

and actually ask you to share with him more stories.

Of course, also constantly wanting to hear his stories and genuinely interested in his stories. And him actually wanting to share with you his stories without you having to ask him for them.

I guess, I have reached a stage in life where you know that time is slowly ticking away and you have yet to find someone to share all these stories with. But I know that such things really require a great deal of patience. Just that you know, sometimes the patience is really wearing thin.

But of course, with that being said, you really just gotta wait for the right time, the right place and definitely the right person. I guess when everything is right, the stars will somehow just magically align and you will see this right person. That's the hope right? I do still wish and hope that this is true and that yea, my time is just not here yet.

This is also just another reminder that despite all that, it's hell of an important to work on yourself and how to be a better person and really do something more than what you are doing now. You say you want to do something real, something that helps people and what not, start doing them. Stop saying, stop thinking and start doing. But of course, don't start it because you feel like you are not doing enough but start it because you genuinely want to do it. I guess for me, I always believe in having the right attitude when you do something. That right mindset. You can't just go ahead and do something if your heart isn't completely in it. It would end up becoming a chore and just another burdent to you. So yea, I guess when you have the right mindset and thinking towards it, that's when it all makes sense and you are really into it.

So honestly, there is still a lot of figuring out and a lot of reflecting hahaha but I guess, it's really important to take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself into things that you are not ready for. Give yourself time to just think through and figure things out. In this world, time is usually not on our side but yes, some things are truly worth the wait so be patient and take your time to build your life and your future.

For the most part, enjoy what you have now and be present instead of worrying so much about the future or the past. 

feb updates: life's great (hahaha not really)

2018 really has been quite crazy so far, even though it's just two months in. Time is moving by really really quickly and I think I really need to start trying to grab hold of it before it starts to spiral out of control.

So yes, I guess it's a strong reminder to self that I needa be more selfish and really block off time to really just think about what I wanna do with life and etc. As much as I honestly enjoy the company with my family and friends, I really miss my alone down time that I had before I started work. And I think I really underestimate the energy I need to sustain at work as a HR person hahahah.

I do enjoy talking to my colleagues and all that. But at the end of the day, the social energy level really depletes and you really just wanna either go home or spend time with people who you are so comfortable with that you can completely be yourself and don't have to socialise.

And to have that, I am honestly very bloody thankful to have really great people in my life who I can be myself completely. Like hanging out with them doesn't take up my social energy and that yea, it's just so easy to talk to them and have fun with them without doing anything much. These are really the best kind of relationships to have. And for people who are truly present when they are there. And those who really listens to you and genuinely cares about what is happening in your life and wants the best for you. For this, I am really grateful to have them in my life.

With that said, the past month of Feb has been pretty interesting too. There were two specific days I remember where I think I really lost my steam and drive to continue. I guess I just felt really lost and frustrated with everything that was going on. And no sense of direction whatsoever. Also to know that after working for 3 months, things didn't exactly got better or easier. Or rather, it actually felt worse. So I guess to come to that realisation that yes, work is never gonna be easy anymore and it's only gonna get more intense and more tiring, it hit me real hard. But yea, so after talking it out with my colleagues, my family, my friends, I manage to find myself back again to start moving. And I think also there were some things that were moving along at work as well. So that's greatttt. It's really additional motivation and it worked.

So yes, and honestly, I know it sucks so badly that now my posts are turning into job stuffs (blah). But I guess it's really very much part of my life now and I honestly do love it to most extend LOL there are hits and misses always, good times and bad times. As with any other jobs. So I guess it's really just always constantly remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. And how to find that drive and motivation for it.

ADULTING hahaha but it's true though. This word is meh but I can really feel myself growing and learning more along the way. Just that yea, I feel this effyness in that I'm not exactly noting/documenting my own growth HAHAHA or rather learning stuffs also. And achievements? LOL small achievements ah. Small gains still matter lar hor. But yea, I guess that proper reflection time is something that I feel that I'm lacking now.

So yess, it's really time to force myself to just sit down and properly reflection. Stop feeling frustrated about not reflecting; it's ridiculous. That's why yea, really just make time for yourself if you really just need time to hear yourself think and reflect. It's a hygiene check and to honestly keep your own sanity. If you keep just thinking and caring about others, you will honestly go crazy. As humans, we really need to satisfy our own needs also lar hor.

And yes, one of the most important things I have learnt over the past few years is to appreciate what you have presently, regardless of what may happen in the future. The thing about the future is you really have no idea what will happen along the way and how things will turn out. So sometimes, you really just have to stop worrying so much, stop thinking so much. And just enjoy what you have right now. If stars are aligned, if fate allows it, if it is part of God's plans, things will work out eventually.

Have faith that things will work out eventually. That yes, whatever thats gonna happen will happen, if it doesn't, you still have the current good memory to look back on. That yknow, at least you had these great moments before. These moments are some of those who can define who you are now and how you think and all. So just enjoy this and give yourself the chance to enjoy it as well.

And of course, if you see something that you really want to hold on to, please hold on to them. Make the freaking effort because you really won't know when people and things will slip past you without you even knowing. 

reminders

One year older, not necessarily wiser HAHAH but actually, learning more and more things everyday and growing along with it. 

Posting now 'cause I scared I'll miss my one post a month policy LOL this entire Jan of 2018 had been pretty intense. Little sad that once again Jan isn't exactly my fav month this year again. But it's okay, 'cause even though it was a pretty intense month, it was still kinda a good intense? I'm running around doing things here and there but at least I'm running around doing things here and there and not just lying around without doing anything. Though the mess kinda bugs me sometimes, but as annoying as it sounds, you really have to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and mess. And though I still have a long way to go before reaching that, I can see myself slowly trying to keep up with things and really just give it my best shot. 

Not even one month into 2018 yet but I've already learn so many things and gain so many new experience. Mainly at work but that's really good exposure. I guess even though work is honestly quite crazy and hectic, I'm glad that I really am learning things. Though there will be times when it's really frustrating but there are also times when it's really great and you truly feel happy at what you are doing. 

I guess the most important thing is really to remember why I'm doing what I do in the first place. Why I chose HR out of all the many million possible things that I could do instead. Why this is an area I really want to focus on and hone my skills in. So it's really time to take this opportunity to sharpen my skills in this area and really make good use of my time there. Not even 3 months in yet, and though I've done quite a few things already, I think it's really still very important to layout everything and make sure that I'm not just going around like a headless chicken. 

So I guess really have to remind myself to set aside a day to realign myself and what I am supposed to do before I can help others in realigning their careers and what not. And definitely important to be stronger and not let small little things affect you. Sure, sometimes these small things aren't exactly small but I guess it's really learning how to deal with them properly and just, be better. 

But also definitely important to rant too hahahah so I'm truly very thankful to have strong support systems outside of work and people who are willing to listen to me talk HAHA even though I'm complaining a lot but I still do enjoy what I'm doing and I guess I really still have many more things to learn and grow and do so it's really not the end for me yet. 

And also remember not to be jaded because of other things that are not exactly part of what I really want to do but still needs to be done. I think this is the part that I really need to learn to cope with better also. Because these things are really the things that are the most time consuming and most administrative but if you don't do it, no one else will. So you really just have to do it. I guess it's really just to remind yourself of the bigger picture and work towards that. That all these small activities and things will amount into something big and great and that's all that really matters. And I guess as part of the HR function, what really matter is the people right? If they feel happy and valued in the company and what not, you are doing a decent job. But of course, there are times when you yourself feel a little under appreciated but I guess that's where the big picture comes in. That yea, at the end of the day, people do still appreciate the things that you do even if they don't express it explicitly. 

So yepppp hahaha siao eh all these learning experiences. But I guess it's really important to note them down somewhere and remind yourself constantly and just push yourself to go forward and continue. Don't stop believing hahaha

A little sad that this post is so work-based so I guess also a strong reminder to have a life outside of work and not get to boiled down by it. Which so far, I think I'm pretty decent at this 'cause I still do meet friends and spend time with my family (when they are in sg). So generally, I still have a life HAHAH but of course, I think after I am confirmed staff (hahaha yea sia not even 3 months of work yet and it's so crazy), I will really find something else outside of work to do. If not, it's really just work plus meeting friends plus spending time with family. I mean these activities are enough to keep you busy, but like I guess really still remember that you are still very young and there are still many more things to learn and grow and it's really never too late to pursue the things that you really want. 

comfort

Suddenly at a loss of words on how to begin this post but I guess, I'll just go with it ah LOL anywayyy, just completed my 3rd week of work and there's pretty much quite a lot of things going on and stories to say about it but the gist is that it's pretty intense but I believe I'll survive it. And I'm really learning things and being exposed to many opportunities so really just gotta learn and read more and just give my best shot.

I think the most important lesson that I got from these 3 weeks is to not be so hard on myself and give myself time to adjust to work life. Of course, don't take too long but I think also don't rush it. And it's okay to fall short of your own expectations of yourself. Just really, don't beat yourself up about not being good enough and etc. So I guess I also learned that I am not as chill pill as I thought I would be LOL but okay ah, I mean, during work time I honestly still think I'm pretty chill. It's just internal thoughts. Over thinking sigh. Self induced stress, it's really quite stupid LOL

But yes, it's all part of learning more about yourself and growing up and it's all good. I'm really good ah. Just really need to learn to manage expectations. Especially my own expectations of myself. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay not to know things, it's okay to question even though you may feel that these questions sound stupid. At least you question and not just sit there and be confused but don't clarify.

Another important lesson is also not to lose sight of the purpose of whatever you are doing. I think sometimes when we get too busy and too overwhelmed with everything, we forget the simple things like what are we actually doing this for. So I guess it's really important to remind yourself constantly to not lose sight of your purpose so that you will have stronger motivation to continue what you are doing.

And I also realise I'm really needy HAHAHA I guess when you are feeling not as happy, you really just wanna be around people who you are familiar with, people who bring you great comfort and you know you can just be at complete ease with them. So yes, I really miss my friends and really hope that somehow, everyone is working at the same company HAHA work will be so much more fun sia =(

But it's okay, it's important to meet new people and make new friends too and cannot always be confined in your own comfort zone. Time to really just put myself out there and not be scared of failure.

But yes, also thankful for the people in my life who are really just the greatest. And just people who bring my joy and laughter despite everything. So it's damn important to really just make time for all these small happiness no matter how busy or tired you are because these are the things that actually give you more energy to continue what you are doing.

As much as I really hate to admit it, adulting is really not fun hahhaah but okay, there is the part where you are actually earning your own money and idk somehow spending your own money definitely feels better. And planning how you wanna save up for other things or trips heh. I guess, it will all be okay as long as you remember that you have a strong support system in the form of your family and friends who will always be there for you and that you are really not alone on this journey.

NOTE TO SELF

“If you don't believe in God, have enough faith that if there is a God, He believes in you.” 

- Anonymous

I'm not an atheist. And actually I believe in the existence of God. Just that I don't know why but this quote just really struck me. That really no matter what you believe in, you just have to have strong faith in yourself and know that you are capable of doing many wonders.

So yea, this post is really a note to myself to be more confident with myself. For the past few weeks, with all the interviews and job applications, I realise that yea, one thing that I really lack is confidence. Which I think it's really bad 'cause during interviews, confidence gives you half the battle won. Okay, maybe not exactly half but definitely adds points to yourself. And I think it's really something that I have to learn to be more of. Just to be more sure of myself. It's not as if I don't know my stuffs. I know them, so I really have to show it to others that I know them too.

And yea, I think just don't ever self doubt. My sister was telling me that the worst feeling to feel now is to doubt yourself so don't ever do it now. Yes, you are still jobless. But it's not because you are not good. It's really just not the right companies and places yet so just be patient and wait for the right one to come along. The right job will definitely be worth the wait. I guess, just don't doubt your own worth. It's hard at times though when the only replies you get are rejections. But I think the right job will definitely come along.

I guess also remembering the things that you are good at, the things that you are passionate about. Show it to the interviewers. You can show them to your family and friends so you can definitely show it to the interviewers also. Remember all the things that you have done and experienced before. Share with them because they won't know about them unless you say it.

But I guess also take heart that sometimes things may not always go your way but it's okay. Just be patient. Good things are really worth the wait. I guess the wonderful thing about life is that it always isn't perfect. And that's the beauty of it.

"perhaps most of the challenging times in your life were the milestones that really shaped you and grounded you as a person cause you were at your lowest point then but you got through it and emerged a stronger person and it'll continue for as long as you live cause you're really just always developing yourself"

Recently my dear friend told me this and it really resonated with me so well. If life is always smooth sailing, it wouldn't be called life anymore and there is just nothing going on and you are just stuck. So I rather have a life that is filled with challenges to overcome and yea, it makes life worth more living and though the negatives really suck sometimes, you will get past them and come out stronger. And you will learn to appreciate the positives more often and I guess that's why life is really just amazing.

And I think one thing that I gotta learn is acceptance. There are some things in life that you want to just reject immediately without accepting it first. Which, makes sense. LOL but I guess there are some things that you cannot reject immediately and you have to learn to accept it first. It's damn bloody hard to come to terms with it and accept the circumstances surrounding it but in order to actually deal with it properly, you need to learn to acknowledge them and accept them then you can deal with it. Sometimes when you reject it up front, it doesn't solve anything and actually just makes everything harder 'cause the issue is still very much there and unresolved. Acceptance is hard but it's not impossible. So really just give yourself some time to come to terms with things and learn to deal with them after.

This year really has been pretty interesting and a lot of learning. I think for awhile I thought I was very sure about everything and how life would be and all. But I guess I wasn't actually very certain as I thought I was and even though all these uncertainties make me feel uneasy at times, I'm damn glad that I am having all these uncertainties. You can learn and grow from them and really just come out stronger and better.

So I guess I'm just really damn thankful to have a very good support system in the form of my family and friends. People who are really believe in me more than I believe in myself and knowing that I have them around really gives me the strength to carry on what I am doing and work towards the future.

finding myself

Sunrise at Cha-Am in Thailand! Sunrise and sunset truly never fail to amaze me and just be in awe at this wonderful creation by God. These colours are just amazing.

Anyway, I'M BACKKKK hahahah and in the best way. I guess for the most part of this year, or rather mainly ever since my last day of exams back in April, I hasn't been completely myself and I know it. Or rather I just really felt very floaty. And especially July. I don't know why but there was just a lot of uncertainty and confusion and I know that I wasn't myself for awhile. I was very out of it and I guess the worse part is that some of my friends realise that I was very out of it also. I mean okay, I am a person who is easy to read but some stuffs you know you will still try to hide from people and not show it but I guess when people can tell that something is wrong with you, it means it's really quite bad.

But in any case, after a few weeks of pondering and thinking and wondering, I finally manage to sort out my thoughts at the start of August and wah it's really amazing 'cause I really felt that I was myself again. I don't really know how to say this feeling but I just felt like I had a better grip of myself and found some footing and grounding and idk, just finally can think better and make better decisions in general.

Though now is the end of August but I guess I really just wanna remember this period and remind myself that you can really overcome all the negativity or what not and just come out stronger and better. You just need to make a little bit more effort in trying to use your brain and rationalise everything and be strong and firm about the things you have decided on and not let life and everything else waiver you.

There are still many things that I haven't do and want to do but I guess I am just going to see how it goes and not be too controlled by the things that I haven't do and just live. It's true that procrastinating is bad but I guess what's really more important is living in the present moment. I guess that's why I really don't like it when I know that I'm out of it whenever I meet people. I will feel very frustrated with myself knowing that I'm not 100% present and there. Though yea lar, it's stupid but I think I'm not being fair to the other people there and to myself also. Because you are so preoccupied by your own thoughts that you forget to think about others and you also forget to just try to have a good time also. That's why I guess I'm really glad when I stop getting so preoccupied by all these thoughts and really just start to think clearer.

Anyway, so just some rough update still looking for a job but I've been going for some interviews so they are all good practices so I guess it's still good. Just need to not be dejected by rejections and really just work to improve myself to become better and be more confident. I think confidence is something that I really lack when I'm with strangers. I mean okay, even with my friends sometimes I also have low confidence HAHAH okay lar what lies. Boast about so many things whenever I have the chance. Cheyyy but okay ah it's really different when you are with family and friends VS when you are with people you just met. I guess really just be yourself and show the genuine side of you and the sincerity and I believe you will do fine. Just be confident I guess. I think being confident is really a big step forward to getting people to have a stronger impression of you. Know your worth man.

Sidetrack but yea, I'm slowly realising how as you grow older you really have lesser time for people and idk, you really learn to choose how you want to spend your time more carefully. Not in the bad way. But I guess idk, you really just become more selective but in a good way HAHA oh well, I guess to me what matters most is that I'm not meeting people for obligation but for genuinely wanting to see them and talk to them and find out what's happening in their lives. Growing up I guess. I think if you tell me this 5 years ago, I'll probably be like no lar, I confirm will have time for everybody one. Siao. Childish. Think 24 hours very long is it? And I think I really learn to treasure along time more. Like really just listening to music or just thinking.

And I think sometimes in life, you do miss people and you hope that some people play a more important and constant role in your life. But most of the time, things don't often go according to what you hope for. But you will be okay. Because really, look around you and you will see that you are very much loved and you already have people in your life who are truly worth the keeps. And I guess there are really just some people in your life where you don't have to meet them often or talk to them often but you know that once you see them, everything just falls in the right place and I don't know, you just know that this person is real, this person is for the keeps and I guess it's really a very heartening feeling to know that you have really great people in your life who inspire you daily.

Again, this post is all over the place but really, this current state that I'm in is one of the clearest of the whole 2017 I think. Sure, there are times when it slips back to being uncertain and unclear but I guess it's really all about just remembering that you need to get back on track and pull yourself together. Because heck, nobody else can pull you up best other than yourself. Being truthful and honest to yourself is the first step I guess. If you keep living in denial, you will not be able to find contentment and fulfilment in life. 

at least it happened before right?

The thing that I really really hate is that the present is no longer the same as the past. That some things just belong to the past and it won't ever happen again in the future. But at least all these memories happen before right? At least these past memories were very real and they can never be changed. Memories that will always last a lifetime.

But, why is it that these memories can't be brought forward to the present? Why is it that somehow some things really just don't work out the way you hope for them to work out? Why is it that time and again I always get caught up in the past even though I'm trying my best to live the present? Why is it that whenever I look back at all these memories, I feel a certain heartache that these memories are really a thing of the past and it won't ever happen again in the present or future?

I know very well that you know, at least they existed. These memories that I have are not fake. They are very very real. It's just not real in the present and I guess that's really just something you have to learn to deal with it. You really can't have everything going your way in life and sometimes you just gotta experience some sadness to make you stronger.

It's always nice to look back on the past and remember those memories and smile. I'm still very happy and thankful that those memories exist and I guess even though there are some things that are no longer the same, there are still many things that remain constant and honestly, I didn't lose much. It's just different I guess and it's something that I just have to get used to and really deal with it. Stop dwelling on the past that's already gone and just look forward to the future and live this present. And yea, I guess just see where life takes you and don't think too much in these things.

Most of the time overthinking kills and I admit that I'm usually a victim of overthinking. And it sucks more 'cause all these random thoughts just fester in my head and make me feel sad without me even realising it. So I guess it's really time to properly deal with all these thoughts and just always remember that there are really still many things to be thankful about and just many things to look forward to in life. So many more experiences that I've yet to experience and so many things to do.

And yea, at least all these memories happened before. I had my laughs and happiness and what not and I'm glad that life so far had been pretty good to me and I guess I'm also really thankful to know that after 16 years of education, I truly made quite a few bunch of friends who I know are truly for life. It's just heartening to know that you met very good people for most of your life and they are still very much part of your life. I truly am blessed and I really just gotta have faith that this period of uncertainty will be over soon and somehow I'll find some clarity in some things. 

3am is definitely not the best time to post and reflect but I guess when it comes, you just have to do it.

Was watching the Korean drama "Fight for My Way" and I honestly didn't expect myself to have so many feelings for this show. To me, it's pretty relatable now 'cause it talks about 4 friends who are in their youth and how they gave up their dreams and chase after their dreams. I guess for me the most relatable part is how no matter what they do, they really just wanna make their parents feel proud of them. They don't want their parents to worry and all that.

Right now, there are really a lot of thoughts going on in my head. And I really need to stop trying to escape from all these issues and really sit down and start sorting them out. I really need to stop running away because freak, the further I ran away, the further I am in trying to discover myself and what the hell I actually want to do with my life. In many aspects. Then you go around complaining and whining that you feel lost and shit and what not. Stop it. You know very well that the only person who can push you to move forward is yourself so freaking hell work on it. Stop being lazy, stop finding excuses. I think most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself too.

Yes, I may not have figure out exactly what I want to do but stop thinking that there's something wrong with that. Stop scolding yourself for being lazy and actually start acting to change this part of you. If you don't like this part of you so much, freaking hell work on it and just stop saying that you hate this part. Yes, you hate it. So what? Are you gonna keep letting it grow bigger and bigger? You yourself know what the issue here and you don't face up to it. So what difference does it make if you know about something but you don't act on it.

It irks me so much but I guess I really need to learn to cut myself some slack too. The more I'm annoyed at myself, the more I will be. I mean, it's pretty logically and a given but I think sometimes I really forget to give myself a break. Let myself breathe. When you don't even let yourself breathe properly, how the hell do you expect others to give you space also?

This really really sucks but I believe it will all get better right? All these confusions and lost. Maybe sometimes we don't need to know what exactly is gonna happen next. Maybe life just takes us there without us knowing. So I just gotta have more faith right?

start soon

Wouldn't it be truly great if I can wake up to such views everyday? Waking up to see mountains and amazing sceneries. This isn't much of a view but this entire town in Austria was really one of my all time favourite place in Europe. Granted, I have too many favourite places in Europe but Austria is really one of my top 3 beautiful countries in Europe. And the standard of living is way more manageable as compared to Switzerland so that's a great alternative HAHA

Anyway, this photo is also a very good reminder to start sorting out my exchange photos again LOL really keep procrastinating and it's gonna be almost a year since I left Europe. But I'm so very sure I left part of my heart there. =\

Lately I really feel that there is something missing in my life. But I really can't pinpoint to what it is. But honestly, there are many things missing in my life right now. Like a job, a boyfriend, and many more actually. LOL but idk, I guess ever since exams ended, I feel very empty. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying this post exams freedom, and being able to sit around and do nothing and talk for hours without feeling guilty. But I guess I really need to start moving and doing something because it is really not me to just sit around forever. Even helping out with chores at home makes me feel more alive than sitting in front of the TV or laptop rotting. Okay lar, not rotting but like watching shows again and again. I'm enjoying the shows but I also still need to do something LOL I guess I hate it most when I just sit on my sofa and use my phone for damn long. Like hello? What is on your phone that can actually keep you looking at it for so long?

But okay, I guess really enough of all these frustrations that I complain about ever so often. But okay ah, I am only human and if I don't complain or let it out, I will just have everything suppressed in my head and it'll definitely explode someday and everything will be worse. Right now, I just have to set some short term goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I think I really need to start organising my life and everything 'cause as much as spontaneous and easy going as I can be, for my own life I really need some kind of organisation. But okay ah, organisation is always good to keep things in perspective. But I think also to really find out what exactly you wanna do. I have at least 50 good years ahead of me and it's really up to the current me to make the most out of everything. Like what Coldplay said, "but if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth". HAHA sorry, that was really cheap shot.

Okayy time to find some life back into myself HAHA just needa reorientate myself and readjust to this post uni life and start working hard for the future. Let's goooo 

nostalgia

Shouldn't be doing this now since I need to wake up at 6 to fetch father to the airport and have a 25% quiz later also. But late night feels calls for a bit of nostalgia as I was strolling through my Instagram on the laptop and reading all the captions and what not.

And wah, the nostalgia game is very very strong. I have always been a person who feels extremely nostalgic easily but I thought I was better lately HAHA but I guess it's very normal to feel nostalgic ah. And I guess because there are many changes going on in life now and it's hard not to hold on to the wonderful and great memories of the past. And hope that it's still manifesting in the present. =\ That's always the hardest I guess.

But I think one thing that I am always reminding myself of is that at least you had that great memories to look back on and smile. True, it's a bittersweet feeling in that things are no longer the same as it used to be. But those times existed and were very real. So I think that's what that really matters. A friend also told me recently how despite everything has changed and things are no longer the same as it was, the memories we had together doing stupid stuffs will always be there. You can't change or alter what has already happened. So I guess that's something to be thankful for.

So yea, life changes, people change, but that doesn't mean that the past was not real. And I guess this is a reminder to yourself to appreciate what you have presently and appreciate those who are still very much a part of your life. Because yea, sometimes life really sucks and things change without you knowing and wanting it to. But you really just have to deal with it and move on and remember that you still have a present and a future where you really still have the choice to decide how you want to make it.