3am is definitely not the best time to post and reflect but I guess when it comes, you just have to do it.

Was watching the Korean drama "Fight for My Way" and I honestly didn't expect myself to have so many feelings for this show. To me, it's pretty relatable now 'cause it talks about 4 friends who are in their youth and how they gave up their dreams and chase after their dreams. I guess for me the most relatable part is how no matter what they do, they really just wanna make their parents feel proud of them. They don't want their parents to worry and all that.

Right now, there are really a lot of thoughts going on in my head. And I really need to stop trying to escape from all these issues and really sit down and start sorting them out. I really need to stop running away because freak, the further I ran away, the further I am in trying to discover myself and what the hell I actually want to do with my life. In many aspects. Then you go around complaining and whining that you feel lost and shit and what not. Stop it. You know very well that the only person who can push you to move forward is yourself so freaking hell work on it. Stop being lazy, stop finding excuses. I think most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself too.

Yes, I may not have figure out exactly what I want to do but stop thinking that there's something wrong with that. Stop scolding yourself for being lazy and actually start acting to change this part of you. If you don't like this part of you so much, freaking hell work on it and just stop saying that you hate this part. Yes, you hate it. So what? Are you gonna keep letting it grow bigger and bigger? You yourself know what the issue here and you don't face up to it. So what difference does it make if you know about something but you don't act on it.

It irks me so much but I guess I really need to learn to cut myself some slack too. The more I'm annoyed at myself, the more I will be. I mean, it's pretty logically and a given but I think sometimes I really forget to give myself a break. Let myself breathe. When you don't even let yourself breathe properly, how the hell do you expect others to give you space also?

This really really sucks but I believe it will all get better right? All these confusions and lost. Maybe sometimes we don't need to know what exactly is gonna happen next. Maybe life just takes us there without us knowing. So I just gotta have more faith right?

travel bug

I think Korea is really a country that I can see myself going back often and not getting sick of it and Idk, I truly don't mind living in the country for awhile. This was my 2nd trip to Korea but I still felt like there are so many places I haven't go and so many places that I want to go again and just spend longer time at.

Anyway, this is gonna be a random post 'cause like in case I missed my month HAHA but yesss I've got a lot of things I wanna blog about though. It's just, don't really have time to properly sit down and type out everything. I think it's really just too many things. First, graduation. Next, Vietnam grad trip. Then, Korea grad trip. And then many other random things that I wanna talk about in proper form.

And right now I just feel like I wanna keep going overseas. Even after coming back from two trips. Though I was really tired from both, there is just this part of me that really wants to go out again. And I kinda really want to do a solo trip. But I really have no money now to do that and if I was to get from my parents, they probably won't let me do a solo trip on their money LOL which, makes sense lar ah. That's why like I need to do a solo trip while with them HAHA like they do their own things while I do mine but I stay in the same accoms as them. That's good enough for me.

But okay, I think right now I should stop thinking of flying away and start planning and thinking about Singapore and what to do. Like job hahahahah. My mum gave me the green light to look for jobs overseas. Though she always gives me the green light for most things. But okay, I should really take this green light and start properly finding too. There was a period of time when I legit went to see and found jobs that I really interested in HK/China. But then of course, being the usual me, I never apply. See only, say only. So YF stop k. This usual me is not a good me. So I think right now it's really the best time to start getting my life together and really figure out what exactly do I wanna do. Just need to start somewhere I guess.

So okayyy I'll try to do this blog thing more 'cause I think writing really helps to consolidate my thoughts. And I think I really need to force myself. And really stop sitting on the sofa and using my phone for God knows what reasons. YESSSS time to come back and stop thinking about the next travel already YF. 

start soon

Wouldn't it be truly great if I can wake up to such views everyday? Waking up to see mountains and amazing sceneries. This isn't much of a view but this entire town in Austria was really one of my all time favourite place in Europe. Granted, I have too many favourite places in Europe but Austria is really one of my top 3 beautiful countries in Europe. And the standard of living is way more manageable as compared to Switzerland so that's a great alternative HAHA

Anyway, this photo is also a very good reminder to start sorting out my exchange photos again LOL really keep procrastinating and it's gonna be almost a year since I left Europe. But I'm so very sure I left part of my heart there. =\

Lately I really feel that there is something missing in my life. But I really can't pinpoint to what it is. But honestly, there are many things missing in my life right now. Like a job, a boyfriend, and many more actually. LOL but idk, I guess ever since exams ended, I feel very empty. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying this post exams freedom, and being able to sit around and do nothing and talk for hours without feeling guilty. But I guess I really need to start moving and doing something because it is really not me to just sit around forever. Even helping out with chores at home makes me feel more alive than sitting in front of the TV or laptop rotting. Okay lar, not rotting but like watching shows again and again. I'm enjoying the shows but I also still need to do something LOL I guess I hate it most when I just sit on my sofa and use my phone for damn long. Like hello? What is on your phone that can actually keep you looking at it for so long?

But okay, I guess really enough of all these frustrations that I complain about ever so often. But okay ah, I am only human and if I don't complain or let it out, I will just have everything suppressed in my head and it'll definitely explode someday and everything will be worse. Right now, I just have to set some short term goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I think I really need to start organising my life and everything 'cause as much as spontaneous and easy going as I can be, for my own life I really need some kind of organisation. But okay ah, organisation is always good to keep things in perspective. But I think also to really find out what exactly you wanna do. I have at least 50 good years ahead of me and it's really up to the current me to make the most out of everything. Like what Coldplay said, "but if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth". HAHA sorry, that was really cheap shot.

Okayy time to find some life back into myself HAHA just needa reorientate myself and readjust to this post uni life and start working hard for the future. Let's goooo 

wait for it

[ Today more than yesterday, Tomorrow more than today
eojeboda oneul oneulboda naeil  

If I only have you, I will brightly smile
neoman issdamyeon hwaljjak useul geoya  

I’ll pick you up, wherever you are
derireo galge neol eodie issdeunji  

Is it too late? I’ll run to you
neujeun geon anin geolkka dallyeogalge  

I’ll pick you up, so you won’t regret
derireo galge neol huhoehaji  

I’ll wait for you
anhdorok gidarillae  

I’ll pick you up right now
jigeum neol derireo galge ]

I'll Pick You Up (데리러 갈게) - Standing Egg

Sigh, this song really gets to me idk why. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo is greattt. Actually, the Kdramas lately has been quite nice. Ever since I came back from exchange. And yes, I find myself watching them regularly for my final year at SMU HAHA but in all honestly, they are really pretty feel good dramas or dramas with interesting storylines. And the drama OSTs is DAEBAK really. Their songs are really good. Or rather, you just feel a lot after listening to them. Maybe it's just me ah LOL

Anyway, yea the past week had been quite nice of doing nothing HAHA okay, I did quite a lot of stuffs actually. Just that yea, still haven't properly sit down and reflect and all. Or rather just consolidate my thoughts properly. Because okay, I was watching a drama HAHA so like that took up some time heh.

But yea, I really slightly blame being too free to get me thinking about many things. I mean, thinking is good, but it's not that great when it heads in a certain direction that doesn't make you feel good. So I guess I really need to stop lazing around and get my head back in the game. I think what I really need is to have something to work on and really just focus on it. When I have a clear direction, I'll stop all these thoughts from growing in my head and just yea, Idk, make me feel more in control of my life?

Sigh, I guess it's okay to feel things sometimes. Just that, sometimes these feelings really suck. Or rather, it's confusing to me and part of me want to figure it out but the other part doesn't want to also. So like, Idk what exactly do I want. I guess, even though I'm already 23, I still feel that I'm less than 20. How is it that I'm 23? But okay, to some extend, I feel that my outlook on life is really kinda different from when I was 19, fresh out of college. 4 years of university did change me, in a good way I think. And wah, when I look back at all the old photos, I really cringe. Though, those times were really great and fun. And somehow when you look back at all these photographs, a part of you really wants to go back to those times and relive them. But I know that they are really in the past. So, you really just have to deal with it. And look forward. The thing about the past (which I have been saying forever and ever) is that you cannot go back. So really, look forward k YF. Just try. And know that yea, everything will really fall into place somehow somewhere. But of course, it won't fall into place if you are just going to sit in front of your laptop and watch your kdramas and live in your self delusional state and hoping for things to just work automatically. You still need to work hard for them. So yea, slowly but surely find your way again k.

I really blame watching dramas sometimes for having all these thoughts. But I still can't help watching them oh welllll 

THAT'S CHRIS MARTIN FROM COLDPLAY

I'm posting at this weird timing now 'cause I suddenly remember how I haven't posted for April LOL but in any case, GUESS WHO JUST GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY?!??!

Honestly, I have a lot of thoughts to say about that. I mean, it is after all the end of another 4 years of education, and this is probably gonna be my final education journey unless I decided to take masters, which is pretty unlikely judging from how I realise I'm so very done with this studying thing. But in any case, yea, there's really a lot to reflect about and I think I really have to make it a point to properly reflect no matter how busy life can get. Just watch lesser shows and reflect instead k YF 

So far, I'm really just enjoying my post finals with all the shows and sleeping and really just lazing around. Which is good and bad? Time is passing very quickly though. Cause like it's gonna be one week since finals ended and I still feel like I haven't rest to enough. Or rather, I still got a lot of things I wanna do. Which actually I still really do have time over the next few weeks before flying to Vietnam. So I shouldn't worry too much lar ah 

Just that yea, time to reflect properly and I won't do it now 'cause my eyes are slowly closing in. But just in general, I still can't really believe that it's truly over? It's a very surreal feeling. But like I don't really know how to say also. Unemployment so far doesn't feel that scary HAHAHA but okay, I guess it's really because I'm enjoying my time and this final sem in school wasn't exactly the best and resting is important LOL oh wellll okay time to sleep and I'll continue this another day

routine

Was watching the Chinese movie "Suddenly Seventeen" yesterday and I guess it came as a timely reminder to not get caught up with life and forget about the things that actually matter. I think the scary thing about doing routine things is that you lose yourself in them sometimes and it may be very hard to find the other part of yourself back again. 

With graduation coming real soon, I think the question of "What happens now?" is actually more important. But I guess, it's also equally important to remember that there is really a lot of things in life that is worth chasing for, worth fighting for. And it's really very important to remind yourself not to get to caught up in the paper chase. That there are so many things in life that matters.

I think the one thing about routine is that it's easy, it's comfortable and you are good at it. But that doesn't mean that your life is just stuck at that routine. I believe that we are really part of this world for something great, something more than just the usual. And we really just have to figure at where our talents lie in and how we can actually make a difference. In small ways or big.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you feel indignant about settling with what's comfortable, do something to change it. Don't just settle because it's easy 'cause you won't truly find happiness in whatever you are doing if you just settle. But if you are okay with settling and know that you can grow to love this, then it's okay. I guess, there is really a lot of different perspectives when you think about something. But choosing which perspective that you want to subscribe to, that you really all up to your own choice.

Okay, thoughts are pretty much all over the place but I guess I really need to find that something to be passionate about again. The zest of life HAHA but yea ah, to me, I think I'm really a person who needs to do something that I truly believe in. If not it's very difficult for me to give my 100%. So yeaaa I guess I hope that somehow I will really be able to find that.

nostalgia

Shouldn't be doing this now since I need to wake up at 6 to fetch father to the airport and have a 25% quiz later also. But late night feels calls for a bit of nostalgia as I was strolling through my Instagram on the laptop and reading all the captions and what not.

And wah, the nostalgia game is very very strong. I have always been a person who feels extremely nostalgic easily but I thought I was better lately HAHA but I guess it's very normal to feel nostalgic ah. And I guess because there are many changes going on in life now and it's hard not to hold on to the wonderful and great memories of the past. And hope that it's still manifesting in the present. =\ That's always the hardest I guess.

But I think one thing that I am always reminding myself of is that at least you had that great memories to look back on and smile. True, it's a bittersweet feeling in that things are no longer the same as it used to be. But those times existed and were very real. So I think that's what that really matters. A friend also told me recently how despite everything has changed and things are no longer the same as it was, the memories we had together doing stupid stuffs will always be there. You can't change or alter what has already happened. So I guess that's something to be thankful for.

So yea, life changes, people change, but that doesn't mean that the past was not real. And I guess this is a reminder to yourself to appreciate what you have presently and appreciate those who are still very much a part of your life. Because yea, sometimes life really sucks and things change without you knowing and wanting it to. But you really just have to deal with it and move on and remember that you still have a present and a future where you really still have the choice to decide how you want to make it.

I want something just like this

[ I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list ]  

Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

Lately the new music has been great. With Ed Sheeran's new album and this amazing collaboration between Coldplay and The Chainsmokers. Coldplay ah mainly. Seriously seriously can't wait for their concert on 31st March =D

Anyway, this month is gonna be crazy and I haven't actually started it but I can already feel it. And it's not really a nice feeling because as you can see, I'm very restless now and somehow don't really wanna start the work that I need to do and am here posting. But okay, I guess I really just needed an outlet to just speak my mind HAHA

I realise that in this world, life really goes on without caring if you are following along with it. And it's pretty scary at times. So many things just change in an instant and it's really hard to keep up sometimes but you just have to. And the hardest part is to not let these changes get to you, which to me, it's really damn freaking hard. To someone who feels a lot, it's really hard to dissociate myself from certain things. But I guess sometimes you just have to. And really just don't worry too much and just be there for people as you are.

I guess the best thing is really just bury yourself with work and what's important and all that. Though the discipline to not get distracted by multiple things is really one of the hardest to do. But you know what, you really just have to do it. It's not a choice. Life doesn't give you a break sometimes so you just have to try your best to catch up to it.

But generally, all is good HAHA as in yeaaa I guess the main thing that is at the back of my head and something that I'm trying to run away from is what happens next once I graduate from SMU. What happens after 21st April. I know I have 2 grad trips plans so there are stuffs to be looking forward to. Then there's graduation in July. Then what? What do I do next? What should I do next? What do I want to do next?

I think these are the questions I really need to find a day to just properly think through it. Probably after April though. I know I shouldn't be waiting so long but I feel that things like these, I shouldn't rush it. True, it's really stupid to just take your time while all the good/better jobs are being taken up by others. But hmm, I guess I don't know. I may regret not doing all these planning and applying shit now, but I guess it's a consequence that I have to take since I made this decision to keep it on hold first. But of course, I guess I really need to force myself to squeeze out sometime to really just do it and stop procrastinating.

So okay, right now, time to get back to the things at hand and really just focus and complete them and really end this final sem on a good note. Don't end it half heartedly.