o captain, my captain

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. " 

Robin Williams (Dead Poets Society, 1989)

Always found this paragraph really good but after watching the movie, it gave an even deeper meaning to it. It's definitely a really very good movie worth watching. I feel that they stop making such good movies anymore.

Anyway, half way through 2018; it definitely hasn't been easy. But with that said, the past six months had been nothing short of good and happy times, with lots of growth and learnings and appreciating people who really matter. For the most part, I should definitely start with the great things for the past six months.

Family and friends wise, they have all definitely been the greatest support. I guess as you grow older, you really learn to appreciate the people around you more. Those who truly matter. You realise how even after a long day of work, meeting those people who give you comfort definitely takes that tiring and bad day to another level. Just that energy wise, it's sadly really still tiring even as much as I hope to be able to give my 100% during meet ups. That's why weekends are even more precious because they are the two days of the week where you get to really spend quality time with people who matter. And I'm certainly really thankful and glad that I've found these comfort people who give me strength. Especially when things get bad I guess? Knowing that you have people who will be ready to hear you no matter what. But of course, you have to share the good times as well and I think that's the best part? Enjoying each other's company and sharing the good times and bad times. So thank you all for being part of my life and I really really cannot have made it so far without you guys.

Family is definitely the support that I really need at the end of the day. I really cannot be more thankful to have encouraging and understanding parents who really know that sometimes I just need some time alone to sort out my thoughts and have faith that I will know what to do ultimately. My sister who keeps me in check by providing alternative views and really being the best listening ear when I needed one the most.

Work is definitely the biggest challenge ever since I start in November last year. When there are challenges, it comes with many pros and cons. I guess one thing that I really need to learn is that it is okay to make mistakes. You just have to rectify them and make sure that you don't do them again. And don't be so freaking hard on yourself. You are not incredible and people don't expect you to be. I guess what's important is that as long as you know that you are giving in your best, you have nothing to regret. And learning to let things go. Let things be. Sometimes you just have to not worry so much and trust that things will be alright. You are definitely not here to satisfy everyone. No matter what you do, there will be people who still have something to say. But just remember that there is a reason for whatever you are doing and don't lose sight of that. Remind yourself time and again as to why you are here and what you are here for. And just make the best out of it. There will be times when things get really damn hard but I guess really just have to pick yourself up and recharge and continue fighting. There are times when you feel like you are just following orders but sometimes you just have to learn how to manage that as well? But definitely when you feel that something doesn't feel right, speak up for it. Do not let it go down without a fight.

I'm definitely learning more and more about myself and what are the things I want to do over the past few months as well. I know that for some part, maybe I really don't belong to the corporate world? I mean, I can do this, I can do this job good and well. But I cannot really see myself doing this for a long time. People talk about climbing the corporate ladder but honestly, I give no shit about it. Maybe you can say that it is the lack of ambition. But I guess it's just more of this isn't what I want for myself. What I envision myself to be in is doing something that I truly feel for and have passion about. Life is indeed filled with passion. It is with passion that makes life rewarding and worthwhile living. If we are just merely doing things without passion, how different are we from robots?

But I guess I am a loser for relationships and the most fun part of my job is really my colleagues and talking to them and all that. So for the most part, I really do enjoy what I am doing. So for now, I can still see myself doing what I am doing, which is definitely the most important part. And I am learning, it's not that I am just stagnant here. But I guess of course by the end of this year, I'll definitely reassess all these and see whether there is something else I want to pursue because sometimes you really just got to take that leap of faith to do something that you have always dreamt of doing but don't have the guts for it.

Sometimes you really just need that push to bring you closer to your dreams. But if you don't allow yourself to be pushed, it won't happen as well. 

you are stronger than you think you are

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

But okay with that said, I do believe in the value of complains. Sometimes, you really just need to get it off your chest to feel better and reform and work on changing your attitude towards it. Sometimes, you just need an outlet to express your frustrations.

It's crazy how for the past few months ever since I started my first job, I have experienced so many new things and so many new and different situations. What scares me most is that I forget the things that I have accomplished over the best few months and when I look back on my experience, I can't remember the things that I have done. So I guess thankfully I have my email to look through hahaha and calendar and I guess at least I do tell my family and friends that things that happen at work.

As much as sometimes it gets boring talking about work, you have to admit that it really is a big part of your life and it shouldn't be neglected because it is deemed as not as interesting. Work can actually be freaking damn interesting and work can change the way you think and do things, shape your personality and what not. For the most part, I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I definitely do not want to be.

I guess over these past 8 months, the learnings have been pretty intense. So I think one of the most important things is to really record all of them down because they are important. I think most of the time I tend to forget that I am actually pretty decent? Hahaha as stupid as it sounds, you really forget your own abilities and strengths from time to time. But I'm very much thankful to have very good family, friends and colleagues who will remind me that hey, you are actually doing a pretty decent job. Even if you can't satisfy everyone, you did your best. And in the first place, you are not supposed to satisfy everyone. You win some, you lose some.

At the end of the day, no matter how crazy and tiring this thing is, I'm still very much thankful to have been given this chance and opportunity. And yes, I guess it's really about your mindset and attitude in dealing with all the craziness. No matter where you go, there is bound to be crazy. It's whether this crazy is worth it. For now, it is pretty worth it, so yes, I got this. 

MAY the force be with you

Okay, this is gonna sound so lame but I'm actually typing this on 9 June but because I really really want to keep to my one post per month, I'm backdating this. And anyway, whatever I'm gonna type is related to the month of May so it's the same lar hor LOL (really damn lame I know but yknow, if you are reading this, you know me and you know it's a normal thing for me to do <3 nbsp="" p="">
ANYWAY, so the entire month of May had been pretty crazy? It's really an emotional rollercoaster rides, with the highs going really highs and the lows going really low. But generally the lows aren't that bad. They are mainly just realisation of things and coming to terms with them.

Work has been pretty insane? But also quite satisfying. Especially now with all the interns finally in. It's still crazy with them around. But having these people around actually make me feel kinda happier? HAHA I think 'cause they are really people closer to my age range. And people whom I can kinda relate to more. Just that I'm also super envious of them 'cause they are so much more carefree. I miss being that.

But I guess as you do more thing at your job, naturally the responsibilities shift and it's really both good and bad. And this organisation is really changing and transforming like siao. Every week, I feel different. There will be new things. So actually last week when it came to the end of May, I actually felt genuinely satisfied and happy. So May actually ended quite well? Like I kinda know what I'm doing and how I should be doing it and idk, it just felt a little more clear.

But come this week, and found out some things and suddenly, it's different hahaha BUT ITS OKAY it's all part of the challenge to make myself better at what I do and be a better person. And learn how to manage people better. You say that you want to motivate people at their job and what not, you gotta work on yourself first.

I guess it's really finding out what exactly you wanna focus on and own. The projects you wanna take and how you wanna make sure that they are done well. There is still a lot a lot of learning to do and for the most part, I'm quite excited to learn them? Just that I really need to manage my time better and learn to prioritise and what not. And also document my journey so far. 7 months in already, it's pretty crazy. But I guess amidst the craziness, I found people who I can relate to and people who are good mentors to guide me along. So for the most part, this had been a pretty good experience.

So besides work, the rest are still pretty great HAHAH but also I guess when you have lesser time and lesser energy, you really are able to see more clearer how you want to spend that time and energy and who you want to spend them on. Along with that comes some sad truths but life is really like that so it's all part of learning and growing. WE GOT THIS.

And I think one thing that I really really learn ever since work started is that life is really not rainbows and butterflies no matter how you really hope it will be. As much as we aspire for things to be great and perfect, it usually won't ever be. But that doesn't mean you stop doing things and stop trying to be better. That doesn't mean it's any less worse. I think slowly, you really start to come to terms that there really are some things in life that really sucks and you can't fix it. But that doesn't mean that you still can't enjoy life and appreciate the beautiful of it. It's really all about balance. You need to be both happy and sad. You always need both sides and there will never be only one true side. And I think that's the most beautiful thing about everything. That there is not such thing as definitely right or wrong. It's all up to your own interpretation of things. 

live a life you will remember

[Hey, when face to face with all our fears
Learned our lessons through the tears
Made memories we knew would never fade  

He said, "One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember."
My father told me when I was just a child
These are the nights that never die
My father told me] 

The Nights - Avicii

Not a super fan but Avicii's music are the few EDMs that I really like and listen to often and he's so very very talented and young and it's really quite sad.

A little bit out of words and inspiration 'cause idk, life has been pretty alright. Ups and downs. A lot of learnings, a lot of trying, a lot of uncertainties. With all that said, honestly very thankful to have met really very good people in my life who are honestly very good support system.

I guess, just really have to remember that while there are people who will always have something to say and comment, there are also people who are appreciative of your efforts. And I guess you really need both to make life more interesting and create more balance. And I guess really just gotta be stronger and don't let small things make you forget the bigger picture. Just work hard and of course work smart and if you never try, you really will never know.

I'm still really lacking in a lot of ways and I guess just have to remember that there is still a ton lot of things to learn, a lot of experiences to experience and just gotta keep going but with proper direction. If you are lost, recalibrate and find your way again. And sometimes, it's really okay to feel lost and unsure of where you are going. As long as you don't give up and stop. As long as you really just keep going and trying.

I think it's very very easy to just give up and toss your hands up in the air. So it takes a lot of strength and courage to catch yourself and remember that hey, you are not done with this yet. There are still many things you want to do and to show people what you are capable of doing.

I guess the most important thing is to take everything with a pitch of salt and have confidence in yourself and the things that you are building. Take pride in them and really just don't panic and remember to breathe.

Things may seem a bit crazy at times but if you look closer, you are actually all right and you got this, You are stronger than you think you are so just believe and have faith in your own abilities. The most important thing is really just remember to catch your breath no matter how freaking crazy life seem. You are really stronger than you think you are.

And also, you told yourself to fill 2018 with great memories and new adventures, don't forget this promise to yourself. Adventures can come in all sorts of form and I guess as long as you remember that there is really more life outside of just work, you are good. Which is something you really have to constantly remind yourself and yea, not get too tied up by everything. Learning to let go. 

find someone who is willing to listen to your many stories

and actually ask you to share with him more stories.

Of course, also constantly wanting to hear his stories and genuinely interested in his stories. And him actually wanting to share with you his stories without you having to ask him for them.

I guess, I have reached a stage in life where you know that time is slowly ticking away and you have yet to find someone to share all these stories with. But I know that such things really require a great deal of patience. Just that you know, sometimes the patience is really wearing thin.

But of course, with that being said, you really just gotta wait for the right time, the right place and definitely the right person. I guess when everything is right, the stars will somehow just magically align and you will see this right person. That's the hope right? I do still wish and hope that this is true and that yea, my time is just not here yet.

This is also just another reminder that despite all that, it's hell of an important to work on yourself and how to be a better person and really do something more than what you are doing now. You say you want to do something real, something that helps people and what not, start doing them. Stop saying, stop thinking and start doing. But of course, don't start it because you feel like you are not doing enough but start it because you genuinely want to do it. I guess for me, I always believe in having the right attitude when you do something. That right mindset. You can't just go ahead and do something if your heart isn't completely in it. It would end up becoming a chore and just another burdent to you. So yea, I guess when you have the right mindset and thinking towards it, that's when it all makes sense and you are really into it.

So honestly, there is still a lot of figuring out and a lot of reflecting hahaha but I guess, it's really important to take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself into things that you are not ready for. Give yourself time to just think through and figure things out. In this world, time is usually not on our side but yes, some things are truly worth the wait so be patient and take your time to build your life and your future.

For the most part, enjoy what you have now and be present instead of worrying so much about the future or the past. 

feb updates: life's great (hahaha not really)

2018 really has been quite crazy so far, even though it's just two months in. Time is moving by really really quickly and I think I really need to start trying to grab hold of it before it starts to spiral out of control.

So yes, I guess it's a strong reminder to self that I needa be more selfish and really block off time to really just think about what I wanna do with life and etc. As much as I honestly enjoy the company with my family and friends, I really miss my alone down time that I had before I started work. And I think I really underestimate the energy I need to sustain at work as a HR person hahahah.

I do enjoy talking to my colleagues and all that. But at the end of the day, the social energy level really depletes and you really just wanna either go home or spend time with people who you are so comfortable with that you can completely be yourself and don't have to socialise.

And to have that, I am honestly very bloody thankful to have really great people in my life who I can be myself completely. Like hanging out with them doesn't take up my social energy and that yea, it's just so easy to talk to them and have fun with them without doing anything much. These are really the best kind of relationships to have. And for people who are truly present when they are there. And those who really listens to you and genuinely cares about what is happening in your life and wants the best for you. For this, I am really grateful to have them in my life.

With that said, the past month of Feb has been pretty interesting too. There were two specific days I remember where I think I really lost my steam and drive to continue. I guess I just felt really lost and frustrated with everything that was going on. And no sense of direction whatsoever. Also to know that after working for 3 months, things didn't exactly got better or easier. Or rather, it actually felt worse. So I guess to come to that realisation that yes, work is never gonna be easy anymore and it's only gonna get more intense and more tiring, it hit me real hard. But yea, so after talking it out with my colleagues, my family, my friends, I manage to find myself back again to start moving. And I think also there were some things that were moving along at work as well. So that's greatttt. It's really additional motivation and it worked.

So yes, and honestly, I know it sucks so badly that now my posts are turning into job stuffs (blah). But I guess it's really very much part of my life now and I honestly do love it to most extend LOL there are hits and misses always, good times and bad times. As with any other jobs. So I guess it's really just always constantly remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. And how to find that drive and motivation for it.

ADULTING hahaha but it's true though. This word is meh but I can really feel myself growing and learning more along the way. Just that yea, I feel this effyness in that I'm not exactly noting/documenting my own growth HAHAHA or rather learning stuffs also. And achievements? LOL small achievements ah. Small gains still matter lar hor. But yea, I guess that proper reflection time is something that I feel that I'm lacking now.

So yess, it's really time to force myself to just sit down and properly reflection. Stop feeling frustrated about not reflecting; it's ridiculous. That's why yea, really just make time for yourself if you really just need time to hear yourself think and reflect. It's a hygiene check and to honestly keep your own sanity. If you keep just thinking and caring about others, you will honestly go crazy. As humans, we really need to satisfy our own needs also lar hor.

And yes, one of the most important things I have learnt over the past few years is to appreciate what you have presently, regardless of what may happen in the future. The thing about the future is you really have no idea what will happen along the way and how things will turn out. So sometimes, you really just have to stop worrying so much, stop thinking so much. And just enjoy what you have right now. If stars are aligned, if fate allows it, if it is part of God's plans, things will work out eventually.

Have faith that things will work out eventually. That yes, whatever thats gonna happen will happen, if it doesn't, you still have the current good memory to look back on. That yknow, at least you had these great moments before. These moments are some of those who can define who you are now and how you think and all. So just enjoy this and give yourself the chance to enjoy it as well.

And of course, if you see something that you really want to hold on to, please hold on to them. Make the freaking effort because you really won't know when people and things will slip past you without you even knowing. 

reminders

One year older, not necessarily wiser HAHAH but actually, learning more and more things everyday and growing along with it. 

Posting now 'cause I scared I'll miss my one post a month policy LOL this entire Jan of 2018 had been pretty intense. Little sad that once again Jan isn't exactly my fav month this year again. But it's okay, 'cause even though it was a pretty intense month, it was still kinda a good intense? I'm running around doing things here and there but at least I'm running around doing things here and there and not just lying around without doing anything. Though the mess kinda bugs me sometimes, but as annoying as it sounds, you really have to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and mess. And though I still have a long way to go before reaching that, I can see myself slowly trying to keep up with things and really just give it my best shot. 

Not even one month into 2018 yet but I've already learn so many things and gain so many new experience. Mainly at work but that's really good exposure. I guess even though work is honestly quite crazy and hectic, I'm glad that I really am learning things. Though there will be times when it's really frustrating but there are also times when it's really great and you truly feel happy at what you are doing. 

I guess the most important thing is really to remember why I'm doing what I do in the first place. Why I chose HR out of all the many million possible things that I could do instead. Why this is an area I really want to focus on and hone my skills in. So it's really time to take this opportunity to sharpen my skills in this area and really make good use of my time there. Not even 3 months in yet, and though I've done quite a few things already, I think it's really still very important to layout everything and make sure that I'm not just going around like a headless chicken. 

So I guess really have to remind myself to set aside a day to realign myself and what I am supposed to do before I can help others in realigning their careers and what not. And definitely important to be stronger and not let small little things affect you. Sure, sometimes these small things aren't exactly small but I guess it's really learning how to deal with them properly and just, be better. 

But also definitely important to rant too hahahah so I'm truly very thankful to have strong support systems outside of work and people who are willing to listen to me talk HAHA even though I'm complaining a lot but I still do enjoy what I'm doing and I guess I really still have many more things to learn and grow and do so it's really not the end for me yet. 

And also remember not to be jaded because of other things that are not exactly part of what I really want to do but still needs to be done. I think this is the part that I really need to learn to cope with better also. Because these things are really the things that are the most time consuming and most administrative but if you don't do it, no one else will. So you really just have to do it. I guess it's really just to remind yourself of the bigger picture and work towards that. That all these small activities and things will amount into something big and great and that's all that really matters. And I guess as part of the HR function, what really matter is the people right? If they feel happy and valued in the company and what not, you are doing a decent job. But of course, there are times when you yourself feel a little under appreciated but I guess that's where the big picture comes in. That yea, at the end of the day, people do still appreciate the things that you do even if they don't express it explicitly. 

So yepppp hahaha siao eh all these learning experiences. But I guess it's really important to note them down somewhere and remind yourself constantly and just push yourself to go forward and continue. Don't stop believing hahaha

A little sad that this post is so work-based so I guess also a strong reminder to have a life outside of work and not get to boiled down by it. Which so far, I think I'm pretty decent at this 'cause I still do meet friends and spend time with my family (when they are in sg). So generally, I still have a life HAHAH but of course, I think after I am confirmed staff (hahaha yea sia not even 3 months of work yet and it's so crazy), I will really find something else outside of work to do. If not, it's really just work plus meeting friends plus spending time with family. I mean these activities are enough to keep you busy, but like I guess really still remember that you are still very young and there are still many more things to learn and grow and it's really never too late to pursue the things that you really want. 

two thousand and seventeen

So many many thoughts but no time to properly sit and reflect for now. I'll just try to summarise in the most coherent way possible.

2017 has been pretty insane. From graduating form SMU and education in general, to starting my first job. There are still so many more things to experience and so many more things to learn. But this year really has been interesting? HAHA I guess, it started off bad but safe to say, it is ending pretty decent. Not completely great but I am contented and satisfied with what I have right now.

I guess as compared to last year's ending, this year's ending actually felt way better. Maybe because there is kinda more certainty in my life. At least for my job area and friends area. Not that yknow my friends area was uncertain last year LOL just that at the start of this year, there were some uncertainty and all but I'm so damn thankful that it all got sorted out and I still have my friends with me. :')

I think at the end of the day, I'm really a sucker for friendships. I mean okay, most people are. But I really truly feel very blessed to know that I have people who I can count on when I need help or advice or just a listening ear. And I guess this year, with all the things that happened, it's comforting to know that those people who said that they will be there for you through the good times and bad, they are really there. And they are really there to listen to me and talk me through my own thought process HAHA 'cause yes, this person here sometimes really just need to articulate out my thoughts in order to get my head straight. Thinking out loud, literally. But yes, I need someone to reply me when I think out loud, even though it's just to reassure me that I'm not making the wrong decisions. So yes, really just grateful to have people around to talk to? HAHA

And just people who make you laugh and smile and just make your day really brighter. They are simple things in life that we often take for granted but we should definitely pay attention to these moments more because they are actually the ones that count at the end of the day. When you look back in your life, sure, you will remember the big moments. But it's also the small moments that make your heart all warm and fuzzy. The late night talks about life, the times when you laugh until your stomach hurts so bad, or simply talking about rubbish (but not really) during meal times or after meal times, staying out late with each other and doing nothing much just because you want to stay with each other longer. I guess these are the moments that you will miss more than the big moments. These are the moments that you will actually look back on more fondly. So I guess what's important is really just appreciate every moment that you have with people and be present. I realise that for me, it's really either all in or none. If I am going to meet you, I will put in effort to meet you and talk to you and know you. But if I'm really not interested in meeting you, I won't even bother LOL I mean, there is good and bad to it. But we really only have 24 hours a day, there are some many people who matter and so you really just have to make them for those who truly matter more.

And I guess at work, definitely it's important to know my colleagues and all that but somehow it's really just different. I mean okay, I do really like some of my colleagues and I can talk to them and all that, but sometimes it's just different I guess? But okay, honestly, work is really great. I mean there are times when I feel frustrated or really very messy. Or actually still pretty messy. But it's okay. It's really training me to be comfortable with the discomfort and messiness. And I'm sure that after this whole experience, I will come out stronger? HAHA hopefullyyy. And really just learn as much as I can and gain as much knowledge as I can. Just make use of all the opportunities I have and do the best in my work. But also remember to cut  myself some slack and don't have too high expectations on yourself that make you stress over nothing.

And of course, not forgetting my family. At the end of the day, they are ultimately still the most important people in my life and I'm really glad that I got to spend more time with my mum and dad post graduation and pre work. And honestly, I miss spending time with them and idk, just running errands with them/for them. HAHA maybe I should really just be their PA instead LOL not exactly a bad thing. I get to travel often, earn money/allowances and look out for them. So it's really killing many birds with one stone. But okay, I need to go out there and gain some exposure and experience first before I can contribute.

And I think actually I also need to start shredding away the "newbie" mentality. Yes, I am new, I am a fresh grad. But that doesn't mean I cannot do the work that other people who have been working for years have been working on. Sure, there are times when it's true that experiences matter. But aren't you the one who got frustrated with companies who only hire people with experience? So isn't it time to proof that hiring fresh grad directly is not a bad idea? And that yes, fresh grad has things to prove to you as well. I guess I really just have to remember and remind myself daily on what is the purpose of what I am doing. Or rather, work hard and show that you are capable of doing things and that they did not make a wrong decision in hiring you.

But anyway, so yes family. HAHA digress like mad but anywayyy so parents I got to spend more time. Sister, I mean I guess as we grew older we really grew closer? When we were young we were close but like by circumstances HAHA so I guess form primary to JC onwards we were more of doing our own thing and finding our own friends and all that. But I guess once I started uni and she started working, we somehow converge back again. I mean all along we were close but yea, just closer now and I'm so damn thankful to have her around to really just hear me talk as well HAHA or rather, vent my frustrations and really advice me on what I should do. So yes, it's always great to have an older silbling around and I'm so thankful that I'm the youngest. Heheh but hey, I take care of her too k so it's mutual.

So yes, there's really more things that I wanna say and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to find the time to say them but of course, you make time for your own reflection right? So yea, I guess I really need to start learning how to manage my time properly 'cause once you start work, life really passes by you without you knowing and soon you will be 25 years old. Oh my. So yes, I think time management is something that I definitely wanna work on as well. Self improvement woohoo!

So thank you 2017 for being a pretty rollercoaster ride but I guess life is only fun and interesting when it's a rollercoaster ride right? The trick is to enjoy this ride whether is it up or down. And embrace all your feelings, be it positive or negative because you need all of them to keep you sane and healthy ultimately.

2018, hope you will be great.