2018; what a year

Hahahaha finally remembered this place.

Past few months had been pretty crazy? Crazy is an understatement. Life just went full-fledged bonkers.

I had to read back my chats with people to remember why it was crazy HAHA I mean, it's a good thing that I don't remember exactly why it was so crazy so that's good. But it's pretty amazing how reading back all those conversations, I still feel them. I mean okay, those were my words so definitely I will feel them.

ANYWAY, so I guess for the most part of my life, I think work has been the one that really gave the most stress hahaha it's like a whole new level of stress. Or idk, it's just really very different from school and etc. And I think for the past year, I really tried my best to adjust to this. Definitely think I did my best but I guess sometimes, the environment and people really matter a lot as well.

And me being me, I am usually not the type of person who gives up easily or rather, I don't think I give up easily and will do my best for most things. As long as I see value in them and it makes sense for me to do it. So work kinda made all these a lot harder for me to achieve. And being the controlling me, having all these things out of control was kinda scary. Or rather, it was very very unfamiliar. And experiencing new emotions and etc. For the most part, when I think back about all these moments, I take them as really good learning experiences. Because yes, I admit that most of my life, I have been pretty sheltered. Or rather, there are of course bad and sad moments but generally, idk it wasn't as intense as the ones that I went through for the past few months. Maybe because they already went by so long ago so I don't feel them as much.

In any case, I guess whatever you go through in life, the good times and the bad times, they are all learning lessons and important moments to shape who you are now and how you think. How you are as a person is defined by these moments as well. So yes, I do know that God has His reasons for letting me go through all these experiences so I am thankful.

And what's most important is that He will always, always help you to find your way back. He always always has your back and look out for you. And I know that I am really blessed by God. So yes, summing up 2018, there is actually a lot more things to say HAHA maybe I'll type another post after this if I can.

But anyway, most importantly is really the people around me who are with me on this crazy ass journey. There are so many people who really have my back and are really there to support me whenever and where ever. Angels from heaven heh. But yes, they are really the people who kept me from hanging on and making me laugh and smile amidst everything. People who remind me that I got this.

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What I really have to remind myself is to treasure the present and what I have now and really live life as it is. And learn to let go of everything and not worry so much. All is well.  

strength

[ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood ] 

In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

This song really resonates with me very well recently. Actually maybe not recently, but ever since I guess for the past few months? Hahaha I mean okay, let's be honest, I feel that ever since I started working, I have been insanely hard on myself for God knows what reasons. I think I have very strange high expectations for myself but hey, sometimes you really just have to admit that there are some things that are truly beyond you and it is really not your job to fix every single thing. You try your best but you know, sometimes there are some things that no matter how hard you try, things won't work out. Yes, you feel helpless, you feel like crap because you see some things that need to be fixed but you can't seem to fix it. That feeling sucks. But you really just gotta learn to let things go and just do your best in ways that you CAN help.

And work hard for those. Read up more, learn more. Learn from people who you know you can look upon to learn from. Ask for help, seek help. Don't feel that you know, I guess just don't carry the weight on your freaking shoulders. Freak, you are only what, less than 1 year of working experience?? Who do you think you are, trying to change the world? If the world can be changed to quickly, life won't be as it is now.

Changes take time and sometimes you really just got to be a bit more patient. And just do what you think you can do. Things that are beyond you, learn to listen to people and let things go. Even those people who are affected understand that it is beyond you. So why can't you give yourself a freaking break? I think that's what happens when you care too much. And you feel that there are some things you really don't agree with but have to follow through because you aren't the one calling the shots.

But I guess with all these come very strong learnings. This job thing may have taken a toll on me but yes, I'm not giving up and I'm going to push forward and really find the strength and purpose in this. And remember why I started this out in the first. Why HR, why this company, why am I still here working hard, what is it that I want to achieve for the next few months.

It really won't get easier; it's just gonna be harder. But yknow, with the right attitude and mindset, coupled with incredible support systems in the form of family, friends and colleagues, I am sure I will have the strength to continue this and really overcome all this. There may be some bumps and bruises along the way but what's life without them right?

There is a reason why God puts you through this. You may not see it yet, but that's where you gotta have faith and trust in Him. Back in 2013, after I got back my A levels results, I was lost as to why things were this way. But things did work out. Fast forward to 2017, I graduated from SMU, found my love for HR and those 4 years in SMU were certainly some of the best years of my life where I can see how much I have grown and found back the person that I have kinda lost back in JC. So God really really has a plan for you. So you really have to push hard and believe that He has His reasons for making you go through all these and to make you stronger and better.

Life is a wonderful adventure; fight hard.

(Also posting this on 4 Oct 1AM hahaha. September had been truly insane that I really didn't have time for this but wow, this has really been a good uplifter. Thank you, Blogger.)

game plan for life

Okay, once again I'm typing this on 2nd Sept but the contents I thought about it in August. Just that really no time to properly type down heh

ANYWAY, yes, 8 months of 2018 and it has definitely been hell of a crazy ride so far. But as I was walking home that day from work, it suddenly dawned on me (albeit quite belated thought) that I have been making game plans for work, for travels, for so many other things but I do not have a game plan for life. And heck, that is actually the most important game plan of all?!!?

So yes, I think I really need to find some time and start making that game plan. It doesn't have to be perfect; just need to have something at least. I think as much as we should take life as it is and don't make too many plans, there still needs to be some kind of direction to head towards I guess. And no matter how busy life gets, things like these should take precedence. 

full-sized aortic pumps

July... has been yet another crazy month. I feel that from now on, all months will be crazy, until told otherwise. I so wish to be able to reach a day where I can go, "Yes this is a good pace, this is manageable, this I can get by."

But I guess it's really through all these things that make you stronger and better and greater? Through all these ups and downs and what not. I guess that's really what makes life interesting right? With all these ups and downs and bumps only the way. If everything is smooth and great, you may fall asleep along the way and miss out on the good things in life. 

No doubt, what's important is really health. To enjoy these ups and downs, you need to be fully functioning and well to tackle all these things and enjoy the greatness of life. Bad habits such as sleeping late and what not came but they can be changed too. You just really gotta be more discipline with it. 

Feels like I'm just blabbering now. So I'm gonna stop here and just yea, time to rest and tackle life. Or rather, enjoy it. I think when you say tackle, it feels like you are against it. True enough, life almost always doesn't go your way. But that doesn't stop it from being really great some times and allows you to see wondering things along the way. 

And you are going by your own time, own pace. Don't compare to how your life fare when compared to others. You work differently from others. God has His plans for you and you really just gotta believe in Him that yknow, it will all work out in mysterious ways.

And yes, please take care of your full-sized aortic pumps. Make sure that your heart remains healthy and also remains big and open, and continue to be a good person with a good heart. (Okay, this line isn't very coherent but I'm very tired so maybe I'll be able to articulate better after some sleep so good nightz)

o captain, my captain

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. " 

Robin Williams (Dead Poets Society, 1989)

Always found this paragraph really good but after watching the movie, it gave an even deeper meaning to it. It's definitely a really very good movie worth watching. I feel that they stop making such good movies anymore.

Anyway, half way through 2018; it definitely hasn't been easy. But with that said, the past six months had been nothing short of good and happy times, with lots of growth and learnings and appreciating people who really matter. For the most part, I should definitely start with the great things for the past six months.

Family and friends wise, they have all definitely been the greatest support. I guess as you grow older, you really learn to appreciate the people around you more. Those who truly matter. You realise how even after a long day of work, meeting those people who give you comfort definitely takes that tiring and bad day to another level. Just that energy wise, it's sadly really still tiring even as much as I hope to be able to give my 100% during meet ups. That's why weekends are even more precious because they are the two days of the week where you get to really spend quality time with people who matter. And I'm certainly really thankful and glad that I've found these comfort people who give me strength. Especially when things get bad I guess? Knowing that you have people who will be ready to hear you no matter what. But of course, you have to share the good times as well and I think that's the best part? Enjoying each other's company and sharing the good times and bad times. So thank you all for being part of my life and I really really cannot have made it so far without you guys.

Family is definitely the support that I really need at the end of the day. I really cannot be more thankful to have encouraging and understanding parents who really know that sometimes I just need some time alone to sort out my thoughts and have faith that I will know what to do ultimately. My sister who keeps me in check by providing alternative views and really being the best listening ear when I needed one the most.

Work is definitely the biggest challenge ever since I start in November last year. When there are challenges, it comes with many pros and cons. I guess one thing that I really need to learn is that it is okay to make mistakes. You just have to rectify them and make sure that you don't do them again. And don't be so freaking hard on yourself. You are not incredible and people don't expect you to be. I guess what's important is that as long as you know that you are giving in your best, you have nothing to regret. And learning to let things go. Let things be. Sometimes you just have to not worry so much and trust that things will be alright. You are definitely not here to satisfy everyone. No matter what you do, there will be people who still have something to say. But just remember that there is a reason for whatever you are doing and don't lose sight of that. Remind yourself time and again as to why you are here and what you are here for. And just make the best out of it. There will be times when things get really damn hard but I guess really just have to pick yourself up and recharge and continue fighting. There are times when you feel like you are just following orders but sometimes you just have to learn how to manage that as well? But definitely when you feel that something doesn't feel right, speak up for it. Do not let it go down without a fight.

I'm definitely learning more and more about myself and what are the things I want to do over the past few months as well. I know that for some part, maybe I really don't belong to the corporate world? I mean, I can do this, I can do this job good and well. But I cannot really see myself doing this for a long time. People talk about climbing the corporate ladder but honestly, I give no shit about it. Maybe you can say that it is the lack of ambition. But I guess it's just more of this isn't what I want for myself. What I envision myself to be in is doing something that I truly feel for and have passion about. Life is indeed filled with passion. It is with passion that makes life rewarding and worthwhile living. If we are just merely doing things without passion, how different are we from robots?

But I guess I am a loser for relationships and the most fun part of my job is really my colleagues and talking to them and all that. So for the most part, I really do enjoy what I am doing. So for now, I can still see myself doing what I am doing, which is definitely the most important part. And I am learning, it's not that I am just stagnant here. But I guess of course by the end of this year, I'll definitely reassess all these and see whether there is something else I want to pursue because sometimes you really just got to take that leap of faith to do something that you have always dreamt of doing but don't have the guts for it.

Sometimes you really just need that push to bring you closer to your dreams. But if you don't allow yourself to be pushed, it won't happen as well. 

you are stronger than you think you are

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

But okay with that said, I do believe in the value of complains. Sometimes, you really just need to get it off your chest to feel better and reform and work on changing your attitude towards it. Sometimes, you just need an outlet to express your frustrations.

It's crazy how for the past few months ever since I started my first job, I have experienced so many new things and so many new and different situations. What scares me most is that I forget the things that I have accomplished over the best few months and when I look back on my experience, I can't remember the things that I have done. So I guess thankfully I have my email to look through hahaha and calendar and I guess at least I do tell my family and friends that things that happen at work.

As much as sometimes it gets boring talking about work, you have to admit that it really is a big part of your life and it shouldn't be neglected because it is deemed as not as interesting. Work can actually be freaking damn interesting and work can change the way you think and do things, shape your personality and what not. For the most part, I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I definitely do not want to be.

I guess over these past 8 months, the learnings have been pretty intense. So I think one of the most important things is to really record all of them down because they are important. I think most of the time I tend to forget that I am actually pretty decent? Hahaha as stupid as it sounds, you really forget your own abilities and strengths from time to time. But I'm very much thankful to have very good family, friends and colleagues who will remind me that hey, you are actually doing a pretty decent job. Even if you can't satisfy everyone, you did your best. And in the first place, you are not supposed to satisfy everyone. You win some, you lose some.

At the end of the day, no matter how crazy and tiring this thing is, I'm still very much thankful to have been given this chance and opportunity. And yes, I guess it's really about your mindset and attitude in dealing with all the craziness. No matter where you go, there is bound to be crazy. It's whether this crazy is worth it. For now, it is pretty worth it, so yes, I got this. 

MAY the force be with you

Okay, this is gonna sound so lame but I'm actually typing this on 9 June but because I really really want to keep to my one post per month, I'm backdating this. And anyway, whatever I'm gonna type is related to the month of May so it's the same lar hor LOL (really damn lame I know but yknow, if you are reading this, you know me and you know it's a normal thing for me to do <3 nbsp="" p="">
ANYWAY, so the entire month of May had been pretty crazy? It's really an emotional rollercoaster rides, with the highs going really highs and the lows going really low. But generally the lows aren't that bad. They are mainly just realisation of things and coming to terms with them.

Work has been pretty insane? But also quite satisfying. Especially now with all the interns finally in. It's still crazy with them around. But having these people around actually make me feel kinda happier? HAHA I think 'cause they are really people closer to my age range. And people whom I can kinda relate to more. Just that I'm also super envious of them 'cause they are so much more carefree. I miss being that.

But I guess as you do more thing at your job, naturally the responsibilities shift and it's really both good and bad. And this organisation is really changing and transforming like siao. Every week, I feel different. There will be new things. So actually last week when it came to the end of May, I actually felt genuinely satisfied and happy. So May actually ended quite well? Like I kinda know what I'm doing and how I should be doing it and idk, it just felt a little more clear.

But come this week, and found out some things and suddenly, it's different hahaha BUT ITS OKAY it's all part of the challenge to make myself better at what I do and be a better person. And learn how to manage people better. You say that you want to motivate people at their job and what not, you gotta work on yourself first.

I guess it's really finding out what exactly you wanna focus on and own. The projects you wanna take and how you wanna make sure that they are done well. There is still a lot a lot of learning to do and for the most part, I'm quite excited to learn them? Just that I really need to manage my time better and learn to prioritise and what not. And also document my journey so far. 7 months in already, it's pretty crazy. But I guess amidst the craziness, I found people who I can relate to and people who are good mentors to guide me along. So for the most part, this had been a pretty good experience.

So besides work, the rest are still pretty great HAHAH but also I guess when you have lesser time and lesser energy, you really are able to see more clearer how you want to spend that time and energy and who you want to spend them on. Along with that comes some sad truths but life is really like that so it's all part of learning and growing. WE GOT THIS.

And I think one thing that I really really learn ever since work started is that life is really not rainbows and butterflies no matter how you really hope it will be. As much as we aspire for things to be great and perfect, it usually won't ever be. But that doesn't mean you stop doing things and stop trying to be better. That doesn't mean it's any less worse. I think slowly, you really start to come to terms that there really are some things in life that really sucks and you can't fix it. But that doesn't mean that you still can't enjoy life and appreciate the beautiful of it. It's really all about balance. You need to be both happy and sad. You always need both sides and there will never be only one true side. And I think that's the most beautiful thing about everything. That there is not such thing as definitely right or wrong. It's all up to your own interpretation of things. 

live a life you will remember

[Hey, when face to face with all our fears
Learned our lessons through the tears
Made memories we knew would never fade  

He said, "One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember."
My father told me when I was just a child
These are the nights that never die
My father told me] 

The Nights - Avicii

Not a super fan but Avicii's music are the few EDMs that I really like and listen to often and he's so very very talented and young and it's really quite sad.

A little bit out of words and inspiration 'cause idk, life has been pretty alright. Ups and downs. A lot of learnings, a lot of trying, a lot of uncertainties. With all that said, honestly very thankful to have met really very good people in my life who are honestly very good support system.

I guess, just really have to remember that while there are people who will always have something to say and comment, there are also people who are appreciative of your efforts. And I guess you really need both to make life more interesting and create more balance. And I guess really just gotta be stronger and don't let small things make you forget the bigger picture. Just work hard and of course work smart and if you never try, you really will never know.

I'm still really lacking in a lot of ways and I guess just have to remember that there is still a ton lot of things to learn, a lot of experiences to experience and just gotta keep going but with proper direction. If you are lost, recalibrate and find your way again. And sometimes, it's really okay to feel lost and unsure of where you are going. As long as you don't give up and stop. As long as you really just keep going and trying.

I think it's very very easy to just give up and toss your hands up in the air. So it takes a lot of strength and courage to catch yourself and remember that hey, you are not done with this yet. There are still many things you want to do and to show people what you are capable of doing.

I guess the most important thing is to take everything with a pitch of salt and have confidence in yourself and the things that you are building. Take pride in them and really just don't panic and remember to breathe.

Things may seem a bit crazy at times but if you look closer, you are actually all right and you got this, You are stronger than you think you are so just believe and have faith in your own abilities. The most important thing is really just remember to catch your breath no matter how freaking crazy life seem. You are really stronger than you think you are.

And also, you told yourself to fill 2018 with great memories and new adventures, don't forget this promise to yourself. Adventures can come in all sorts of form and I guess as long as you remember that there is really more life outside of just work, you are good. Which is something you really have to constantly remind yourself and yea, not get too tied up by everything. Learning to let go.