spacious

Looking at how big and empty my living room is now without the sofa, it finally makes us moving very real. Though my sister and I are still staying in the old house 'cause we aren't gonna move our bed over.

Seriously them feels. =/ 15 years in this house with super load of memories and I really can't bear to part with this big big awesome house. With nice view and great location. =( ok mainly our big room. Just nice to the two of us with the most unique design. Really gonna miss this place so much. 

Can't believe we are really actually moving. Feels so surreal and untrue. But yes, we really are moving. Sigh. Okok some change is good and I think this change isn't completely bad. Just different and freaking troublesome. And ok time to sleep. I'll post more too 'cause I'm finally 21 years old. Haha!  

what's another 20, 30 more years?

Since I have them feels now, I better type it out before they are gone. Though I'm quite sure these feeling won't ever go away. HAHA!

Honestly, this group of friends aren't exactly the ones that I had chosen. Because back then, we were just primary school kids whose idea of friendship is very simple and very easy. As long as you sit beside me, you are my friend. So technically, we didn't choose each other as friends but freak, I seriously cannot thank God enough for blessing me these incredible bunch.

14 years, 12 years, 10years. We have really come so far. So damn freaking far. And at age 21 (Ok fine, I'm not yet 21 but soon in a few more days), you can't help thinking back at your past 21 years and I'm so so grateful to have these people in my life. They have impacted me in so many ways, small or big. And I really love how our values are the same and I don't know. How we are different but similar. How we can still come together despite our many differences. And how I don't know. I guess this friendship is really one that I hold on to very dear since the beginning but back then, my purpose of holding on is very different from right now.

Come to think of it, back then I really have no idea why did I bother so much to keep the class together. I guess somehow whatever things that Mr Phang said to us during those 4 years manage to get drilled into my head. 'Cause I remember how he will always say stuffs like wanting us to keep in touch and all that. And somehow, I'll always bother. I really have no idea why. Because to be honest, I wasn't close to many people in the class back then. It's like somewhere, somehow, deep inside me, I know that they are important. And I know that they are worth every bit of effort to keep in contact with. That somehow, they are just gonna be important people in my life. Maybe I have foresight. Haha!

But yes, they are honestly still the people where I can be myself completely. How they judge me but they still love me. HAHA! I don't know. We just really embrace all our flaws and accept our differences. And enjoy each others company. True, as we grow older, meeting up and all that will keep getting harder. But to be true, I really have a strong feeling that this friendship will go really far. Easy fact is that we stay near each other but somehow, I know that we will make time for each other no matter what. That we will invite each other to each others weddings. And when our children are born.

I remember saying how we will form a "mini 6H" with our children when we grow older with Faeqa and Swap. And at that point of time, though we really meant it, it's different from right now. True, things may change, people can change. But honestly, 8 years since we graduated, most of us went different places and all that but look where we are now. We are still friends. And not just normal friends but close friends. Friends who will really stick by each other no matter what. Yes, along the way, the group became smaller. But, the ones who stayed are the ones that truly matter. And to be true, these people are really just freaking dear to me. So anyway, LOL! I realise I digress but yes, the possibility of us meeting up together with our family and children is honestly very very possible. Like I'm not even kidding. Because freak, we have made it through 8 years. 8 freaking years. It's a long time. And these 8 years are the ones where I think our personality develop the most.

Yet, we are still friends. Better yet, we became even closer friends. Our friendship really just keeps growing stronger and stronger and I guess that's why I love these people so much. It's rare to find these people and I wasn't given a choice too. For them, I didn't choose them to be my friends initially but I choose them as the friends who I want to continue to keep in touch for a long long time. And I guess that was the difference that I made. That somehow the young me decided to plan all these gatherings and outings.

And yes, looking back, this is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in life so far. Not that I have lived a very long life but aiya, they are just really mad important. Like I can really be annoyed with them but at the end of the day, I still love them more than I hate them. HAHA! Ok lar, I won't ever hate them. They are just my #BFC forever. (BFC means Bad Friends Club because we are horrible to each other despite doing such nice stuffs from time to time) But actually, we secretly love each other a lot but it's too damn gross to be all mushy 'cause we are just like sarcastic humans.

Anyway, so gist today was I knew that I was gonna meet them but I didn't know for what and yes, it's annoying. But I just let them plan all first. So somehow Swap managed to convince me that we were going on a food trail which I really bought it I have no idea why. I think my brain never think properly I don't know ah.

But yes, so today I went out expecting a food trail thing but I had to drop by my new house to deposit some stuffs with Faeqa. So when I opened the door to my new house, I saw like some strange people at home and I just stun. At first I thought there was some construction work going on at my new house and my parents forgot to tell me. Then I realised I know those faces. LOL! Like it's really legit stun. I'm just like huh I don't get it. I really don't get it. Lol!

Oh and the best part was they didn't even meant it for a surprise. HAHA! Like they really let slip a lot of times but I didn't catch. And somehow I just really believed in whatever they said. But ok, I do know that I was gonna meet them today. Just that not at my new house. 'Cause I was really all excited to show them my new house 'cause the view is really quite nice and super windy. So ok lar, I'm excited to stay there. It's just the moving part that is damn pain in the ass.

Anyway, so yep had cake pizza and many stuffs HAHA! I'll probably post up the photos proper next time 'cause slightly lazy now. Heh. But yes, really thankful for these annoying yet freaking important bunch of people in my life.

missed chances

"But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives. "

Norwegian Wood (Haruki Murakami)

What if somehow, you just don't see the chance given to you when it's right in front of you? What if you are that blind to not see that what you want is just right before your eyes? What if because of your blindness, you missed the chance, and never have a second one? What if you didn't even know the chance that was given right in front of you, missed it and is still wondering when will you have your chance, when will it be your turn? How can we not let go of the chance when we don't even see them? Then how will we know when we are given a chance?

There is a reason why we missed our chances. Because yes, somehow it's just not meant to be. But what if it's really out of blindness? That you are so caught up in something else that you just missed the things that are right in front of you.

But I guess this is something that we will never know. Because we already missed it. Fate falls short sometimes.  Once it's gone, you can't find it back anymore. So just look forward. And stop freaking wondering and pondering and being freaking frustrating at the possibility of you missing your chance. Because you already missed it and that's too bad. Yes, sometimes you can't help looking back and feel freaking frustrated at the past. But honestly, there is nothing you can do anymore. Things already happened this way. You can't do anything to change what has already happened.

Life isn't about the past. It's about the present and the future. There isn't any point in looking back at the things that happened in the past and feel all sad and emotional about them. What's done is done. So just stop looking back and looking freaking forward. And hold on to the people who you know will be there for you as you move forward. Who will always be alongside you and support you and just give you strength when you need them. Treasure this people because they are all that it truly matters.

old age; not really

Gonna miss this view so so much.

Nights, long day, periods, twenty one, old age, moving house, songs, photographs, and many other things. I blame them all for my current mood now. Over thinking. Yes that's right. I also don't know what exactly am I over thinking about but I guess just this sudden realisation that yes, I am going to be twenty one soon. And yes, I have yet to accomplish much in life. But I am gonna be twenty one soon.

I know that this feeling will set in to me one day soon. Before I turn twenty one. So I guess that feeling is now ah. Not that I'm actually freaking out or what. Because yes, as you grow older, you come to realise that age is really just a number. That turning twenty one, twenty two, eighteen, it's all nothing. As in ok it means something but yea, you are just one year older.

In the past, I will want to spend my birthday with people I really like and we don't even have to celebrate it. Just need to be with them and see them and all that. But now, I honestly don't really care. It's quite sad I guess? But of course, I still want to spend my birthday with people I like. But life gets really busy and I genuinely understand that life really isn't about me even if it's my birthday. And I know my family and friends still love me a lot even if they can't celebrate the actual birthday with me. So yea. I really have no feeling for it. But it's really not a bad thing? I'm not feeling anything not in a bad way. Like I guess it's really part of growing up. Somehow I'm more interested in planning others' 21st. HAHA! It's really more interesting ma. Though I really don't mind planning my own but it's weird. And some more yes, the troublesome me is separating my celebration but I honestly feel that it makes so much more sense. I'll rather spend good quality although short time with different groups of people instead of throwing everyone together and make myself tired by having to host the people. I think for me this kind of person, it really doesn't make sense to throw a grand party. Too much effort. Wait until my wedding lar ah. That one makes more sense. HAHA!

But anyway, I realise me and Feli are damn gross. LOL! We are going to give multiple presents to each other and probably write multiple cards and messages to each other. Though we still see each other quite often every week. We are damn gay. It's like worse than being attached and having to like plan stuffs for your boyfriend. 'Cause really just so happen that most of the groups of friends where both of us are in, we are close to them. So naturally, they want to celebrate our birthdays. So yes, we are damn troublesome to each others life ah I realise. HAHA! But okok, we figured that this will probably be the last time we'll really do something so nice for each other. Next time will honestly probably be our weddings. SO YESSS 21ST.

But I swear, our friendship is really creepy. Like I have yet to meet another pair of friends who are as creepy as us. I think we reached the creepy stage when we got pre assigned to the same module in our first semester in SMU. That one is really like the limit already HAHA

Anyway, ok somehow my mood is kinda better after talking about all these. Haha! That's why I guess blogging is good for me. It really helps me to feel better after typing out all these stuffs. Though sometimes it's like thoughts all over but that's why I need to type them out. Writing helps too but my hand gets tired. Haha! Weakling yes.

Twenty one. It's birthdays when you will somehow look back in life and think about all the things that you have done and the things that you have not done. More often, we will think of the things we have NOT done. As humans, we are really always never satisfied. No matter what, we will somehow crave for more. And we often forget the things that we did accomplish. Maybe it's not as significant as you think it is. But I guess all these experiences in life still mean something to you no matter what.

I know that I still have yet to accomplish many things in life. Many experiences yet to go through. But I guess I also ought to be contended with what I have now. The experiences that I had went through. They are not nothing. They are not insignificant. They are very much part of my life. So yes, I should stop being a whiny bitch and be happy. Haha! Ok lar, I don't think I'm being a whiny bitch here. I guess sometimes you just can't help thinking of the what ifs no matter what. And you can't help thinking of the things you still haven't go through and want to experience someday.

But yes, patience is key. Not saying that I should just wait and somehow it will miraculously happen. I mean God has His plans for us but that doesn't mean we just sit and wait and do nothing. I guess we just have to continue on with everything and somehow it will all fall into place. Yes, I still believe that no matter what, everything will fall into place. That at the end of the day, it will always be alright.

little brothers and sisters

"It doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers. You don't always have to know who you are. You don't have to have the big picture, or known where you're heading. Sometimes it's enough just to know what you're going to do next."

The Undomestic Goddess (Sophie Kinsella)

This post is dedicated to the important boys in my life. Honourable mentions to Shaohao, Jinghan, Guodong and Kenneth. In no order of preference, I have come to realise that these 4 boys are honestly very important people to my life. Haha! They are really like my little brothers whom I worry about their life from time to time. Lol! I think that the way I care about their life is like how an older sister will care about their little brother's life. Ok, that's what I think I am to them. HAHA! What they think, probably not but heck it ah. One-sided love IT'S OKAY.

But yes, conversations with them are usually meaningful. Haha! Usually because they aren't always meaningful. We can spent hours actually discussing about stuffs that isn't important at all. Like we will have an actual discussion on non important stuffs like what kind of smiley face to use when you type. Eesh. They are pretty annoying though. Lol! Like for real. They can get on my nerves so bad but somehow, I know that they really have my back at the end of the day. How they will really be there for me if I need someone to talk to and get advises on. And how they will really try their best to find a solution for me. How they make time to just listen to me and give their opinions on all these matters. And I guess they do come talk to me too when they have problems? HAHA! Usually for them to talk to me, I have to ask them. Tsk tsk. But yea lar, I know that when I ask them, they will tell me so it's all good.

That's why I say my relationship is really like little brother and older sister. Haha! I think calling them my bros are kinda too underrated because I think bros are underrated. They are really just like my extended family. And it's really incredible how we just get closer as the years of knowing them gets longer? How the friendship gets stronger and better instead of the other way round. How we can really don't see each other for a few months but when we do see each other, it's all still the same as ever. And how we really just have each other in our minds.

Ok all these above paragraphs also refer to the girls. Heh. MA LOVELY GIRLS WHO I GENUINELY MISS EVEN THOUGH WE TALK FREQUENTLY ON WHATSAPP AND SEE EACH OTHER FROM TIME TO TIME BUT I STILL MISS THEM. They are also like my sisters. Haha! Like this whole Bad Friends Club is just my extended non-blood-related family. We do not show each other affections much but we know we love each other a lot. And we know that we can always depend on each other. When shit happens, we have each other. When good and happy things happen, we have each other to share them with. The joys and sorrows. That's what I feel with them. They are really just family I guess.

Old friends don't always mean that they are your best friends but I think I am really blessed that my oldest friends just so happen to be very important people in my life. =)

And ok, with relevance to the quote above, in life, we really don't have the answers to know what is going to happen in 5 years, 10 years from now. Heck, we really don't have a definite idea as to what will happen tomorrow. But I guess we just have to figure them out slowly. One step at a time. Big picture is important but if you can't seem to see the big picture now, it's okay. Just give yourself a break and take it one thing at a time. Knowing what to do next is more important than knowing what you want to do 10 years from now. Because life is really just about appreciating all these little things and knowing the next step. Because if you can't even find the next step, how are you going to continue your journey?

home is where my heart is

AHAHAHAHAH A few days lag but SO GLAD TO BE BACK

I should probably sleep soon 'cause I've got 8am lesson tmr so I have to wake up in 6 hours time. But I guess I just really want to say how much I love my people. Heh. Somehow you can really feel the love they have for you after being away for awhile. HAHA! Importance of Yi Fang. Okok I kid. But seeing all of them after one month in India is really just a whole different and happy feeling. Though I can go months without meeting up with them, somehow being overseas is very different.

And omg that geniue happiness. Not say I haven't feel it before. But I really like that feeling. Heh. Like when I saw my sister and my dad, I'm just really freaking happy. And when I saw my mum too. Like just damn happy and glad to be back with them. And how you know they are so happy to have you back also.

And then your annoying friends. HAHA! Ohya this week has been pretty crazy for me. But worthy week. 'Cause I'm back in Singapore so just make the most out of everything before sch starts to get crazy. Just that wow, I have no idea how I can tahan all that. But ok, somehow you can one. Haha! Just whether you want to or not.

Anyway, so came back on Sunday morning around 5am? Smart me decided not to sleep on the plane and watched 2 movies. Very very smart. But ok, I really thought I could sleep a bit in the morning. BUT I WAS SO WRONG.

So after reaching home, I almost wanted to go find my dear BFC at Feli's house 'cause they were staying over there. HAHA! Yea, chalet was supposed to be from 2nd to 4th and I booked it at Costa Sands before knowing I was going to India. So ahahaha many changed plans and that's why they ended up staying over at Feli's house from 2nd to 4th though not a lot of people but still very nice ah. And I manged to see them on 4th so I was happy. Heh.

Anyway, so went home to unpack stuffs 'cause my parents needed to luggage. And unpacking is a pain I swear. Slightly better than packing just that there are stuffs all the place now. And so by the time I was done, it was 8plus going 9? Wanted to go find them but heng they were sleeping. HAHA! So I went to sleep instead. Then my dad woke me up at 11plus to go for lunch with my grandma. So yes I woke up and go for lunch. AT MY BUKIT TIMAH FOOD CENTRE. Hehe. Before leaving India, I was asking my dad if can go there for lunch when I come back. And he really brought me there. Haha!

So yep, after lunch went to find those kiddos at Feli's house to buy food for BBQ at night. Somehow when I saw them, I was really excited and happy and smiling like mad. HAHA! Like I can really feel my own happiness it's quite funny. Then ya, they started scolding me for every single shit then I realise yea, why I actually miss them. Haha! Okok, I kid. I kinda miss their scoldings and insults and what not. After all, we are the bad friends club. No longer 6h already. HAHA! I swear Bad Friends Club is really super apt for us 'cause we really are the worst. But yes, we still love each other very much so we are honestly pretty screwed up I would say. But in the best ways.

Anyway, so went to get the food for bbq and went back to Feli's house! Feli's new house is really honestly very very nice. I like. Haha! But then again, new house confirm nice one ah so it's good. Just that it's smaller I guess but smaller also got cosiness?

This photo kinda suck but ok lar, I still really love these people here. Plus few more who aren't in the photo. But yea, still love them all~

Went to my grandma's house for dinner after that 'cause my sister promised her. LOL! But ok, I want to see my grandma too so it's good. AND YES MY GRANDMA'S HOMECOOKED FOOD. =D So I'm happy. Haha!

After dinner went back to find them and they had a lot of food left. LOL! We always overbuy our food for bbq and I think we really shouldn't bbq. It ain't our thing 'cause we are too damn lazy to cook for long periods of time. I think pot luck suits us better. Everyone cook something then bring. Haha! Yes, we are honestly pretty lazy pple but we cool.

Talked and play games and then this dear Jinghan made Feli and me talk with him until 7plus am the next morning. Haha! But ok, he really didn't want to go home and was in the talking mood and that's rare for me and ok lar, I also never see these 2 for a month so I didn't mind. Just that on the bus back home I was just zoned out already. Like I don't even feel like talking to them anymore. Lol!

Slept for about 2 hours? Then woke up to help my dad do stuffs. Haha! I wanted to do before I sleep but it took me damn long 'cause I kept dozing off. Like it's really the legit tired sleepy. Then woke up to go fetch my mum 'cause she went to Malaysia so had to pick her up from the bus stop place.

Then I became their chauffeur for the day. But ok lar, I really wanted to spend sometime with them, even if it's driving them around various places and doing ten thousand errands with them. I swear their day is always eventful. And a lot of driving around. That's why car is damn important for them. But ok lar, get to spend time with them so I'm happy. And get to drive too. Heh. I really actually missed driving. 'Cause India is CANNOT drive one. Must be thankful of the roads here in Singapore. And the traffic rules. Lol!

AND OMG YES, I'm moving house. =( Which really really sucks and rash and last minute but I'm gonna have faith and trust that my parents are making the right decisions. And yes, probably elaborate on this more next time. And continue my crazy schedule for this week next tmr 'cause I think I should really sleep now if not I'll die tmr.

the phone call

"Faith, it is said, is better than belief, because belief is when someone else does the thinking." 

The First Phone Call from Heaven - Mitch Albom

So yes, I'm starting 2015 with a post about a book I just finished reading. I should really find time to read more because it's so worth it. Especially when it is a good book.

This book is pretty interesting. It talks about how some people from this small town starts receiving phone calls from those who had passed on. And yea, the story that follows. HAHA! Ok, bad summary but you should really read it when you have time. It's pretty thought provoking.

I guess for me it is because this question about after life has been on my mind recently. Whether there is the existence of an afterlife. Of heaven. That after we passed on from this life, what becomes of us? Where do we go and end up in. Since young, my idea of afterlife is heaven. And to me, heaven is indeed a place with no worries, no trouble. Whatever pain and suffering you had gone through in this world, you leave them here. When you are in heaven, you are blissful. And you are surrounded by all those you love. I guess for me, this is the main part. To me, heaven is a place where I am with God and with the people I love when I was alive. That when it is my turn to go to heaven, I will be able to see those who had went to heaven before me. That heaven is the place where I am reunited with those I lost.

In this book, that was how the author describe heaven to be. And to be true, I really believe. The existence of heaven. That yes, we have this current life that we are living in. But there is more than this life. That those who passed on are beginning their life in heaven. And living eternally.

And to believe this, it's really faith. Because no proof has yet to be given. One very interesting quote from the book says,

 " If you believe it, you don't need proof."

I think this is very true. When you trust in something, you don't need evidence to justify your actions. Trusting and believing are more than evidences and proofs. It comes from the heart. Having the faith that something is real and true. Having the faith that heaven exists. That God is true.

And yes, so death doesn't necessarily have to be a sad thing. Death can be the beginning of afterlife in heaven. That we live eternally with God in heaven. I still have more to read up on and understand more about this but I do believe in the existence of God and heaven. Because yes, I feel that things that happened in my life aren't just pure luck and coincidence. I'm pretty sure they are part of God's plans for me. How everything slowly falls into place. Somehow you just know that there has got to be a higher power overseeing everything in the world. And I believe that yes, God is true.

"Knowing heaven is what heals us on earth."

To know that those we love are in heaven, it is really an assuring feeling. Because yes, you know that they are in safe hands and resting well and are happy. And that makes you happy. To know that when they left this world, they are rid of all the pain and suffering and back in good shape.

When someone passed away due to illness, it can be hard to remember the times before they got ill because the last you saw them was when they were ill. But remember the good times. Remember the times when the person is in fit of health. Because that is what they want you to remember. And because that was how they had lived their life. I have no idea why I'm talking about this but I guess it really is an assuring feeling to know that they are in a happier place and back to that happy and healthy state of mind and body.

And I guess another part of heaven is you know that those who had passed on are now looking over you every second, every minute. That yes, they are your guardian angels. Protecting you and looking out for you. No matter where you are. I really do miss both my grandfathers a lot. But it does feel better when you know that yes, they are in a happier place and are now your guardian angels. That they are here with you more often now. Seeing the things you are seeing with you. And I guess, that's pretty amazing. How all these works.

But yes, I think I really still have much to understand and learn about. And this post is probably full of repetition but the thoughts are really just flowing out so bare with me.

Anyway, I really love Mitch Albom. His books are really pretty interesting. This one wasn't fantastic though but still pretty thought provoking. My favourite is still The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Still the best. But yes, I really should read his other books too. They are all just sitting at home Yes, this semester, I'll strive to read more. It's a lot more worth it than watching shows I realise. Like if I want some form of entertainment, I should just read a book. Lol! Ok lar, I still like my shows and movies so they are all pretty important.

Oh well, let's just see how it goes. Haha! 3 more days and I'll be back to Singapore. My dear Singapore. Heh. Ok, I don't really feel homesick now, but I'm just still glad that I'm finally going home. I will miss this place though. There are some nice things about this place that is different from Singapore. But yes, my heart still belongs to home and my home is and always will be Singapore. 

AND YES MY PARENTS. I think my mum won't be in Singapore when I land. Not sure if my dad will be around so I think I should call them again. Lol! But ya sia. My mum. =( and and my parents are going China on 6th? So like I only have 5th Jan with them. Such horrible parents. But ok, I think my mum felt slightly bad when she called me just now to tell me. But yes, I just wanna see her soon, even if it's for a day also good. And also, I want my local food. And my bed. And my friends. HAHA! Yes lar, I really miss those annoying yet mad awesome humans in my life. So yes, I really can't wait.