finding myself

Sunrise at Cha-Am in Thailand! Sunrise and sunset truly never fail to amaze me and just be in awe at this wonderful creation by God. These colours are just amazing.

Anyway, I'M BACKKKK hahahah and in the best way. I guess for the most part of this year, or rather mainly ever since my last day of exams back in April, I hasn't been completely myself and I know it. Or rather I just really felt very floaty. And especially July. I don't know why but there was just a lot of uncertainty and confusion and I know that I wasn't myself for awhile. I was very out of it and I guess the worse part is that some of my friends realise that I was very out of it also. I mean okay, I am a person who is easy to read but some stuffs you know you will still try to hide from people and not show it but I guess when people can tell that something is wrong with you, it means it's really quite bad.

But in any case, after a few weeks of pondering and thinking and wondering, I finally manage to sort out my thoughts at the start of August and wah it's really amazing 'cause I really felt that I was myself again. I don't really know how to say this feeling but I just felt like I had a better grip of myself and found some footing and grounding and idk, just finally can think better and make better decisions in general.

Though now is the end of August but I guess I really just wanna remember this period and remind myself that you can really overcome all the negativity or what not and just come out stronger and better. You just need to make a little bit more effort in trying to use your brain and rationalise everything and be strong and firm about the things you have decided on and not let life and everything else waiver you.

There are still many things that I haven't do and want to do but I guess I am just going to see how it goes and not be too controlled by the things that I haven't do and just live. It's true that procrastinating is bad but I guess what's really more important is living in the present moment. I guess that's why I really don't like it when I know that I'm out of it whenever I meet people. I will feel very frustrated with myself knowing that I'm not 100% present and there. Though yea lar, it's stupid but I think I'm not being fair to the other people there and to myself also. Because you are so preoccupied by your own thoughts that you forget to think about others and you also forget to just try to have a good time also. That's why I guess I'm really glad when I stop getting so preoccupied by all these thoughts and really just start to think clearer.

Anyway, so just some rough update still looking for a job but I've been going for some interviews so they are all good practices so I guess it's still good. Just need to not be dejected by rejections and really just work to improve myself to become better and be more confident. I think confidence is something that I really lack when I'm with strangers. I mean okay, even with my friends sometimes I also have low confidence HAHAH okay lar what lies. Boast about so many things whenever I have the chance. Cheyyy but okay ah it's really different when you are with family and friends VS when you are with people you just met. I guess really just be yourself and show the genuine side of you and the sincerity and I believe you will do fine. Just be confident I guess. I think being confident is really a big step forward to getting people to have a stronger impression of you. Know your worth man.

Sidetrack but yea, I'm slowly realising how as you grow older you really have lesser time for people and idk, you really learn to choose how you want to spend your time more carefully. Not in the bad way. But I guess idk, you really just become more selective but in a good way HAHA oh well, I guess to me what matters most is that I'm not meeting people for obligation but for genuinely wanting to see them and talk to them and find out what's happening in their lives. Growing up I guess. I think if you tell me this 5 years ago, I'll probably be like no lar, I confirm will have time for everybody one. Siao. Childish. Think 24 hours very long is it? And I think I really learn to treasure along time more. Like really just listening to music or just thinking.

And I think sometimes in life, you do miss people and you hope that some people play a more important and constant role in your life. But most of the time, things don't often go according to what you hope for. But you will be okay. Because really, look around you and you will see that you are very much loved and you already have people in your life who are truly worth the keeps. And I guess there are really just some people in your life where you don't have to meet them often or talk to them often but you know that once you see them, everything just falls in the right place and I don't know, you just know that this person is real, this person is for the keeps and I guess it's really a very heartening feeling to know that you have really great people in your life who inspire you daily.

Again, this post is all over the place but really, this current state that I'm in is one of the clearest of the whole 2017 I think. Sure, there are times when it slips back to being uncertain and unclear but I guess it's really all about just remembering that you need to get back on track and pull yourself together. Because heck, nobody else can pull you up best other than yourself. Being truthful and honest to yourself is the first step I guess. If you keep living in denial, you will not be able to find contentment and fulfilment in life.