2016; to be thankful for

Lately I've been feeling a lot of weird negative energy within myself. I'm blaming my hormones once again 'cause my period is late again so I really hope that it's coming soon and I'll start to feel happier and more genuinely positive with life LOL

Anywayyy so this is my attempt at trying to feel better by reflecting on 2016 and remember the things that I should be thankful for. 2016 has been a rather confusing year. I don't know whether it's a good or bad year but I know that I've grown and changed my perspectives on many things over the past year. There are some things that I never really thought I would think that way but I can finally understand why it's like that. Sigh, actually I feel a bit incoherent now suddenly. It's like all the thoughts all over the place. And I a bit sleepy HAHA

I think the past week had been pretty crazy. Having something every day and I think I really quite drained. Though okay, I kinda rested a lot last week but like not enough HAHA there are still a lot of things I haven't do yet and school is starting next week =( Though I'm excited for my last semester of school, it's still pretty scary.

Okay, this isn't gonna be some reflection piece I lied. I tried ah but I really feel sleepy now. Maybe 1st Jan. LOL sigh, really low maintenance for this blog but okay lar it's really just for me to clear my thoughts and feel better. Okayy I'm done for now.


Okay ah just one FYI for myself is yea, stop being so down and idk, really remember that there is a lot more to life and stop being so aimless and lifeless and get your act together. You are better than this. Don't let everyone else's opinions affect you. Be stronger than that. 

stretch

I think it's the time of the year where I always get frustrated with myself and everyone around me, but mainly myself. First, I never ever learn how to allocate time to myself. But okay, actually I can see myself improving slowly. It's just that there are really a lot of people I want to meet. But there is really just this 24 hour in a day thing and 7 days a week. And on top of that, you take away sleeping time and work time and travelling time, you aren't left with a lot of time. So this balance thing with time is something that I have yet to figure out and I honestly don't think I ever will. But I guess the alone time is something that I am really trying hard to do so. Specially allocate time just to not socialise and just be by myself. 'Cause freaking hell, I have no idea why I get tired but I really do. Though, I find myself getting energy from others also. Here's what I really don't know. I like being around people but at the same time I cannot over do it. But also, on the other hand, I want to meet a lot of people as well. So it's essentially just me being greedy of wanting everything. But sorry YF, life doesn't work that way. You are honestly just self-contradicting and I think that's why you are so frustrated. It's really just being greedy and stretching yourself to the point where you just sit and wonder why you are doing this.

Second, I think this is something that I think it's not fair to just throw it at people but there are times where I feel like I'm the only one caring or bothering with all these meet ups and what not. When someone asks a question, it's really only polite to answer the person. Unless you say that you never read the message yet. Then okay, I can forgive you. But if you read it, and you don't reply, I don't know. I just feel that it's basic courtesy? Maybe it's just met living in my own idealistic world that when you ask a question, you will get a response. But I guess it really doesn't happen sometimes. Most of the time. And it really feels like I'm talking to air. And it's really freaking annoying. Best part is that I have been complaining about this since when I started organising shit. And it happens to a lot of different groups where I ask questions and it's just left hanging. So you would think that I'll be used to not having a response? I am used to it, but that doesn't mean that I like it. Or enjoy having no one replying me. But I will still do it 'cause yes, I really have control issues and yes, I want to meet and all that. So at the end of the day, it's really just my own issues again. Like why am I making myself go through all these frustration when all you can do is just stop doing it. It's really the why care when no one else is caring? But I am like that. I care. As much as I don't want to care. I always say, I don't want to care anymore. But it never happens. And I think I'm really frustrated with myself for caring so much also.

But okay, to be fair, there are people who do bother and do reply. So yes, for them, I am thankful. It truly makes planning stuffs a lot easier. But I don't know if I'm giving people benefit of the doubt or it's real in that those who don't reply do care also. It's just, they don't reply. Aiya, I think I'm really just giving excuses for them because I like them and I want to see them. But freaking hell, it's really damn frustrating. It's really like you are just talking to yourself and spamming the chat. Like why? Why is it so hard to just say reply something? Will it really kill you? I think I really have issues in needing acknowledgement and affirmations. Maybe it's a from young thing. Kena ignored by my parents and sister HAHA kidding. Okay lar, to some extend, being the youngest, you will get ignored most of the time. So maybe it's really why I feel the need to seek constant acknowledgement and affirmation. Childhood issues.

Sigh okay I feel better after typing it all out. It's really just the frustrated but I don't know what I'm frustrated about feeling. Always leh. During December. Or just whenever I have a lot of free time and start planning stuffs and the response and support don't reflect my own enthusiasm.  I think maybe my own expectations of people are too high too. I don't know. Just don't have expectations is the best. But you can't help it. At times you really think that the degree of you wanting to meet a person is the same as the degree of that person wanting to meet you. Maybe it's true, maybe it's just expressed in different ways, maybe I am giving the benefit of doubt once again. Maybe I'm wrong and they are just like why the heck is YF bugging us again and again. That's why really, times like these just makes me want to stop caring. But it really sucks that because I'm the kind of person that once I see you as a certain level of friend, I will care. I will bother. And I will just keep bugging. Sucks lar. It's really they why you so loser need to keep clinging on to people when you can see that they don't care. But I keep thinking that it's really not they don't care it's just they lazy and they know that someone else will organise and that someone else happens to be me. Stupid lar really. It's like I know I'm being taken for granted but I gladly do it. What even is this. Or maybe it's really just the stupid sense of responsibility in me. The responsibility that you are tasked to organise outings and meet ups.

But okay, having rant out so much, like I said, I know I'm not being fair to people. Because yea, there are a lot of times when I'm not the one planning. So I do really appreciate other people who bother and make the effort to initiate and plan things. I know I am not alone in this thing. So yes, I'm not saying that I'm the sole person doing everything. Just that yea, it would really be well appreciated if you just need to reply and support my planning. That's all leh really. You don't have to do much. I think that's why it's really frustrating for me. It's like I'm already doing it, you just need to reply, but you don't reply. So like. What. Is it really just me thinking that yall care when actually yall don't give a shit? Maybe. So maybe I'm wrong. Sigh, I really don't know.

But the thing is, even though I complain so much and rant about this continuous, almost at least once every single year (actually I think probably more than once), it is always worth it. I guess that's really why I still always bother no matter what. Because whenever I met up with these different groups of people, I had a great time and really enjoyed myself. So yes, it really is all worth it. So once again the conclusion is I won't stop caring and I will keep planning but please, just give me more support and let me know that what I'm doing is worth it and I should continue bothering. Because honestly, at some point of time, I believe I will really stop bothering all together. Because again, the time we have is very short and as we grow older, there are gonna be more commitments and random shit. So when the time comes when I really have no time, I will just not bother with those who don't bother anymore. Like really. I know I say this and I know I'm actually lying 'cause I know there are some people in my life you tell me to let go I die also cannot. But lately I realise things changes in very scary ways and my perspectives to certain things change in ways that I used to think that I would never think in this way. So I really don't know if there will come a time when I really just decided to stop bothering those who don't bother. Because yea, this internal conflict and contradiction can really weigh me down sometimes and lately the way I deal with things that are weighing me down is just to throw them aside and stop bothering.

I guess as you grow up, you really begin to realise what adults say about losing friends as you grow older is kinda true. Even though it's really very very sad. But I guess life really just happens and so when you want to keep someone in your life, you do something about it. 

universe has a plan

"The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do; they’ll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I’m not saying you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It’s a scary thought but it’s also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you’re supposed to be, exactly when you’re supposed to be there. The right place at the right time" 

— Future Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

But see, is timing really enough? Or must you grab on to the opportunities when it is right in your face? But what if you really had no idea that it was right in your face, just waiting for you to grab the chance? And then you missed out on that opportunity and somehow there aren't any other chances anymore.

I would really like to believe that yes, the universe has a plan for us and everything will work out fine eventually. But sometimes, I really don't see it. I know I shouldn't doubt and just learn to trust but sometimes, it's strange I guess.

I guess I'm just amazed at how there are some people who used to be quite a constant in your life just a year ago and just suddenly stop being that constant. But I guess it's really the ones that stayed who matters most right? Not the ones who left because yea, they made the decision to stop being so important in your life anymore. So I guess you really just have to accept that that's all there is to this. And I guess if fate ensues, maybe one day your fates will be intertwined again.

But I guess it's something that we won't ever know because it's in the future. So yea, just enjoy the present and appreciate the people who are still very much here and around with you.

And yes you strong independent woman HAHA it's okay to feel vulnerable sometimes and want to have that special someone to share things with and to know more about his life as well. But these things take time and patience and I really believe that good things are worth the wait. Stupid Korean dramas always make me think about all these. But yes, he better be worth the wait man. 22 years alr. HAHA going 23 oh wow. But yes honestly, right now I really don't want to have anything because I feel like I still have a lot of things that I want to do for myself and really just make myself a better person. And yea, you really have many things you can do and many things you are capable of doing so just go forth and be great and once you are busy (and not watching Kdramas), you won't even think of all these stuffs and just focus on whatever you have to do. I guess that's really my focus now. On just doing stuffs for myself and also being there for my family and friends in whatever ways possible.

What will happen will eventually happen so just be patience and good things will come when you least expect them to. 

reminder; what change do you want to make?

Really shouldn't be actually watching stuffs and reflecting now but I guess when you watch something that is very real and happening to our lives now, there are bound to be some thoughts and reflections that just needs to be done now. 

I watched "Before The Flood" which is this documentary about climate change by the National Geographic Channel, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. And it certainly was worth my hour and a half watching it. Yes, we know that global warming is real, we know that climate change is real. I've studied this in Geography. I felt it first hand when I visited the different countries in Europe and realised how strange the weather conditions are at times. In Singapore, we only felt the heat. But overseas, the erratic weather is truly what's scary. 

I guess what stuck me the most is how Leonardo DiCaprio uses his influence to get people to be more aware of this situation with climate change. I think that is very impressive. Of course, I'm sure he truly believe in the cause as well. But you see, not many people of influential power use that power given wisely. And he is very consistent with his fight for climate change and I think it's quite admirable of him. 

One thing that I always felt after watching such stuffs is okay, so now what can I do? I don't have the power or influence or knowledge to go around telling people to change their habits and start being environmental friendly. I guess that's why I find him even more particularly admirable because he knows he has the potential power to influence people and it's up to him how he wants to do it and from what I see, he is doing it pretty right. 

But I think yea, I need to stop thinking about what I cannot do and start thinking about what I can actually do. I guess recently, with graduation coming soon, I've really been thinking about what I actually want to do once I graduate. How can I fully utilise this piece of paper that I have? And in the first place, do I actually need to utilise it? True, not utilising it means I kinda wasted 4 years and a lot of money to end up just throwing this degree away. But I guess, it's all not completely wasted? I'm very sure that I've learned a lot and gotten a lot of insights from my 4 years, stuffs that I really won't get if I didn't choose this path. So I'm still glad. Still no regrets whatsoever. 

Just that I guess what's really important right now is moving forward. So what's next? Say if I really want to do something and make a difference and change to this world, no matter how small it is, how am I going to do it? How am I going to achieve it? What should I do to reach this goal? I guess right now it should no longer be empty words and really doing something about it and work towards it. I have been disappointed with myself countless of times over the course of my 22 years and yes, 22 years isn't actually very long but I ought to stop feeling disappointed and start doing stuffs that I can actually be happy and proud of myself for. Like looking forward and moving forward. The past is what had already been so it's the future that really counts now. 

So yes, I guess I really need to find a day to properly just think and ask myself all the hard questions that I have been escaping since forever. What do I truly actually want to do in this life? What do I hope to achieve? I think for me, the most important question is how am I going to do it? Often, I know what I want, but it's always the execution that fails. I don't do it. I say and say and say, but I don't do it. 

So I think right now I really need very concrete and real plans moving forward. And I guess I really need to keep constantly reminding myself about this. Stop procrastinating. Stop thinking that I still have time. Start prioritising. And start thinking for yourself and what you want to do. I believe that we are all here in this life for a purpose. Be it big or small. There is something that we can all do. It's really just what can we do. How can we do. And the most important thing is to do it. All that talking really doesn't get you anywhere. 

But with that being said, I'm not saying that right now we must live everyday with a purpose and what not. Of course, still enjoy this life because we only have one and we should live it to the fullest. But I guess also living it in a way that makes the world a better place? Being a better person doesn't make you lame or strange or weird. Being kind and nice doesn't make you lose out. At the end of the day, I always believe that good guys come first. Or rather, you don't have to come first but you just feel better in general about everything when you do good. 

I guess, I really just hope that somehow all these things can get instilled in my brain that I don't need all these constant reminders to remind me of them. But I guess I'm still learning, still growing, still changing and I certainly hope that I will change to become a better and more independent person and really just stop being lazy and start doing things instead of just lip service. 

But okay, right now, let's focus on making my final year at SMU worthwhile and end it off well.

amidst the craziness

I'm actually posting because I want to have at least one post a month HAHA but okay, I guess I really needed somewhere to just consolidate some thoughts.

I have no idea why I'm so overwhelmed by so many things recently and it sucks that it's weighing down on me? Like I can feel myself just going down and down. And panic for no reason. It's like a part of me forgets that I can actually do stuffs. That I am capable of meeting all these deadlines and producing decent work. It's kinda like self-doubt of my abilities and work. Which I think it's not very good 'cause I don't know, you just keep thinking that you are not good enough and wah, not saying that I'm damn good 'cause yes, I have self-awareness and I know that I'm lacking in many ways. But I don't know, I guess probably the lack of confidence. I really don't like it.

I know it's something that I really don't have since forever but I guess when you are year 4 and about to graduate, this lack of confidence thing becomes more apparently because yea, you actually do have quite some experiences and what not. Remember them and share leh. Believe that your ideas are actually good and sounding and sigh, I don't know lar. It's like I have confidence but not really also. LOL it's a very weird feeling I don't know how to describe. But okay, I guess at least I will still try to voice out my opinions and not let it go away? Sometimes ah.

But okay, I guess right now I just really need to focus and get all these deadlines away and end this semester properly. It's terrible though that your second last sem and you still feel like you are drowning. Like hello, I thought after 2.5years in this system, you should know better and get used to it and I don't know, be more sure of yourself and just do stuffs and not get so stressed out easily??? It just feels like this whole 4 years had been a waste which I know it's not. I did learn stuffs and I did gain a lot of good experiences and made great friends who I know that after graduation, we will still keep in contact. It's just, I feel lost I guess? It's like year 4 already but I'm still confused with many things and not as sure of myself as I think I am? Sucks lar it's really self-doubting.

BUT ITS OKAY this sem is gonna end soon in a few weeks and freaking hell sia I really cannot wait. I guess I just really need to find my element and get some confidence back. Just that, I'm not entirely sure what's my element anymore. HAHAHA sigh.

Okay, I guess I really just need to focus on doing work and distract myself away from all these self-doubting and existential crisis. But honestly though, I really feel like taking a one year off and just live as a hermit. HAHA okay, it sounds strange but sigh, I guess part of me kinda miss my days in Groningen. But then again, actually no lar, what am I saying. I am a person who needs people around. So I definitely cannot be a hermit. See, self confusion here. Idk what exactly I want. Okay I guess I don't know, a year to just do something to help people. Like doing good. I think maybe 'cause the mods I'm taking this semester keeps talking about helping others and the less privileged people and what not. It's all making me very conflicted as to what do I want to do with my life.

I guess I definitely want to help people. As in hmm, not just help people but give back to the society. Help the people who are really less privileged. But yea, there is this thing with how can you help others when you can't even help yourself. But what if to help myself, I have to first help others? Like it works both ways. Helping others to rediscover yourself. Actually no, that's not an ideal way of helping other though. To help others you should really just want to be there and help them without wanting to get anything in return. Altruism. Is it really possible to be truly altruistic though? Honestly, I think it's not possible. But I guess the degree matters though. How much of you helping others is truly to help them more than to gain personal gratifications.

Okay, deep topics I'll probably leave it to December. Actually, I think I kinda figured out what kind of industry I want to work in already. So yea, I guess December is the time for me to start really properly finding and looking and crafting my resume and cover letters and start sending them out. So okay, blogging really helps wow HAHA suddenly feel so much better I have no idea why. But okay, the deadlines are still looming so yes, next post will be in November LOL

Kids - OneRepublic

[ Nights when we kept dancing
Changing all our plans and
Making every day a holiday
Feel the years start burning
City lights they're turning
Something 'bout this feels the same ] 

Kids - OneRepublic 

This song is stuck in my head recently and yesss I'm so happy that they are back with new songs. Which means they may be going on tour again soon. Which means they may come to Singapore again soon. And this time I WILL GO. 'Cause yea man, their songs I realise I really really like them LOL

Sigh, I suddenly miss Coldplay again. And omg yes, I haven't posted about Coldplay. Okay actually I haven't posted about a lot of other concerts too LOL they are all good ah. If I remember, it means it's worth remembering HAHA

Yes, that's how I'm seeing the world now. I don't need to document everything and every memory because this thing with memories, they are things you hold in your heart. They are not physical objects. If you remember it, it means that it was significant enough for you to remember it. If you don't, no matter how hard you try, you still won't remember it.

But anyway, Coldplay's concert is really my ultimate concert bucket list. Ever since I started going for concerts, Coldplay was the one that I really truly wanted to go for. Just that yea, they probably won't come back Singapore. BUT I still truly hope they will one day. BUT it's okay if they don't 'cause I saw them in UK already heh. BUT still not enough LOL I guess I can never be happy with all these many BUTs.

Have been posting quite frequently lately. I don't know if it's free or procrastinating. Okay lar, I know it's procrastinating. So yes, I'll sleep now and wake up early tomorrow to study. But okay, I'm still very glad to have this space to just reflect and think and share my thoughts. I think the past year had been a blur. And I feel that my priorities hadn't been straight for the past year. But I think I'm finally slowly getting back on track and yea, working hard and living this life truly for myself. And really just focus on being a better person and building up myself. I can see some stronger determination in myself right now and I don't know but yea, I'm honestly quite excited to see how far I can go? Sounds really strange and weird but yea, it's still a very strange feeling that I don't really know how to describe also. But I do know it's a very very good feeling so that's really good.

I think one thing that's quite sad is how this is my last year and it's only this year when I'm finding more motivation and determination LOL okay ah, I think I started to get more and more of it after year 1. Kinda. Okay year 3 wasn't that bad actually just that one sem was for exchange so I couldn't see how much motivation I can get. BUT IT'S OKAY. Better late than never. And yea, grades really isn't everything so we'll see how it goes!

Okay yes, I think time to really sleep and wake up early. Thank you to whoever still bothers to read this from time to time LOL yall are truly still stalkers but yea lar, favourite stalkers k I let yall stalk HAHA

even lemons are on your side

HAHAHA I was searching for a nice photo of the quote on the "when life gives you lemons" and I found this and I really LOL okay lar cheap thrills

Anyway, past few weeks/days had been a whirlwind of emotional rollercoaster rides for many various reasons that I truly hope that today's ride is the last one I'll be taking for awhile. And I certainly think it will be 'cause Idk, it is the one that has been bugging me for awhile already but I think I'm finally coming to the end of the ride. And this is one that I truly do no wish to go on again. At least not for awhile now because yes, I'm very very exhausted from this ride.

I'm not giving up on it I guess. I'll still ride it someday. But for now, I'm done. Time to focus on my other rides. You can't take so many roller coasters rides at one time. You will crumple and fall. And vomit. So yea, I think it's time to focus on all the small baby rides in your life first. And enjoy those rides even if they seem lame because they are sometimes actually the best ones. Cheap thrills are the best thrills most of the time. And I think people who can appreciate cheap thrills are certainly the best people to keep in life. People who are truly on your side and there for you regardless. Yes, I know I need to stop saying this about people but I'm really just thankful that there really are people who will make you laugh and smile in life, and especially when they know that you are feeling down. Or idk, even if they don't they are just there somehow.

And I guess it's really freaking important to remember that you are in this life for a purpose. Not that you have to know what this purpose is now but don't stop looking for it and yea, just be motivated to fight for this life. Stop wasting time sitting around and waiting for things to happen and things to come to you. Lately I can feel myself getting lazier in working towards finding a job or what not. I think I'm in the denial phase where I don't want to admit that I'm going to graduate soon and should start finding a job. But yes, that is the truth that I have to face and that is something I need to start working towards and planning.

So yes, besides studying, start looking. Look at what you are interested in, the industry that you want. You can't expect to just get a job easily when you graduate. That somehow there is a job waiting for you. Maybe there is one if you are not picky. But hello, would it be something that you really want? If you don't fight for what you want, how would you know whether you are capable of getting it? If you don't fight, you won't ever know. So even if you did fight, you did try, and you still didn't get it, you won't feel that bad because yea, you know you tried. I think that's really better than not trying.

Get your act together, Yi Fang. You need to stop being lazy and living in denial that you are going to lead this kind of lifestyle forever. You say that you are done with studying so moving on from studying would be what? Finding a job right? Even if you don't intend to find a job, you can't just sit around and bump. That's not what you are supposed to do in life. Bumping around just makes you a waste of space in this world. Yes of course you can bump from time to time but right now, you should really work hard and make the most out of your life. Wait until you are older to bump okay. Or when you go on holiday because yea, if you are abled and young and full of potential to be explored, maximise them. Get out. Be confident of yourself and what you know and can do. Know that yea, you are really here on earth to make a difference somehow. Prove it. Show it. Improve yourself by reading more and think more. Use your freaking brains more often and just stop being lazy.

I think to some extent, I'm very sick of myself for being lazy. Like this trait of mine is something that I really cannot stand though I know it's a part of who I am. But I really don't like it and I'm trying my best to change it though it works sometimes only. Like you see, back in Europe I was motivated to do stuffs. But somehow when I'm back in Singapore, all the motivations are gone. Okay, not completely gone but yea, something just happened. The laziness kicked in again. So yes, I'm not going to promise that I will stop being lazy. But I'm going to really try my best in doing something and stop complaining and stop being confused.

Because yea, sometimes lemons are on your side too. They know that you will do something with them so instead of coming to you, they will run away. So if you are focused and motivated enough, all these lemons will run away knowing that they don't have any effect on you. So yes, all these lemons aren't going to ruin your life. They are going to help you. 

fate

I think fate works in the funniest and strangest ways. It works when you least expected it to. And I don't know why but I guess everything really happens for a reason. Good or bad, happy or sad. Your fate with someone is really something that you can only control to a certain extend.

And when you find people who make you happy and make you a better person, keep them. I guess I'm just really thankful to have found many good people in my life who makes me truly happy. People who are sincere when they say that they enjoy your company and they truly want to be around you. I think sincerity is really a very important trait in friendships. You can be hell mean to each other but I don't know. Overall, you are sincere in the friendship and you truly care about the person and show it from time to time in your own ways. As long as both parties know that they care. You don't have to say it explicitly but you know it internally. I always find it very fascinating how yea, some friendships really work like that. HAHA as in I really like. Like you don't have to affirm it everyday but you know it's real.

Okay I have no idea what I'm blabbering about anymore but I guess I'm just very glad that I was actually wrong about some friendships? Cause I was looking back at my old posts and thinking back, I realise there really are some people in life who are truly worth the keeps. And it's really not just you trying to sustain the friendship. You know that they too truly care about the friendship and it just makes you feel happy. Cause yea, often times I'm the one who is taking the initiative and stuffs. Not that I'm complaining 'cause I truly want to keep the friendship and I know they do too but yea lar, sometimes you just need someone to be more proactive so I don't mind being the one as long as they don't find me annoying. But anyway, so yea, it's really nice when others take the initiative to meet up and all that. Nice to be jio-ed HAHAH but yea, I'm just glad that I wasn't wrong in my judgement of people and that some friendships are truly truly worth the keeps and no matter how tired I may be, I really still want to keep them because yea, I know they are worth it. It's really not often you find people who you can talk so easily to and be so comfortable with and who share the same values as you. So when you do find them, keep them.