I want something just like this

[ I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list ]  

Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers & Coldplay

Lately the new music has been great. With Ed Sheeran's new album and this amazing collaboration between Coldplay and The Chainsmokers. Coldplay ah mainly. Seriously seriously can't wait for their concert on 31st March =D

Anyway, this month is gonna be crazy and I haven't actually started it but I can already feel it. And it's not really a nice feeling because as you can see, I'm very restless now and somehow don't really wanna start the work that I need to do and am here posting. But okay, I guess I really just needed an outlet to just speak my mind HAHA

I realise that in this world, life really goes on without caring if you are following along with it. And it's pretty scary at times. So many things just change in an instant and it's really hard to keep up sometimes but you just have to. And the hardest part is to not let these changes get to you, which to me, it's really damn freaking hard. To someone who feels a lot, it's really hard to dissociate myself from certain things. But I guess sometimes you just have to. And really just don't worry too much and just be there for people as you are.

I guess the best thing is really just bury yourself with work and what's important and all that. Though the discipline to not get distracted by multiple things is really one of the hardest to do. But you know what, you really just have to do it. It's not a choice. Life doesn't give you a break sometimes so you just have to try your best to catch up to it.

But generally, all is good HAHA as in yeaaa I guess the main thing that is at the back of my head and something that I'm trying to run away from is what happens next once I graduate from SMU. What happens after 21st April. I know I have 2 grad trips plans so there are stuffs to be looking forward to. Then there's graduation in July. Then what? What do I do next? What should I do next? What do I want to do next?

I think these are the questions I really need to find a day to just properly think through it. Probably after April though. I know I shouldn't be waiting so long but I feel that things like these, I shouldn't rush it. True, it's really stupid to just take your time while all the good/better jobs are being taken up by others. But hmm, I guess I don't know. I may regret not doing all these planning and applying shit now, but I guess it's a consequence that I have to take since I made this decision to keep it on hold first. But of course, I guess I really need to force myself to squeeze out sometime to really just do it and stop procrastinating.

So okay, right now, time to get back to the things at hand and really just focus and complete them and really end this final sem on a good note. Don't end it half heartedly. 

see the line where the sky meets the sea

[ See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know
What's beyond that line, will I cross that line? ] 

How Far I'll Go - Auli'i Cravalho (Moana OST)

This song has been stuck in my head recently even though the movie was last year LOL yes, I only properly listen to this song recently and remember how good a song it is.

So actually, I'm posting 'cause I'm scared that I won't have time the next few days and I'll miss my at least one post a month thing HAHA but in any case, I do have stuffs that I wanna post about too. I guess with graduation coming and the many conversations about the future with many different people, a lot of different thoughts are going in my head as well. And many other miscellaneous random nonsense that haunts my brain. Okay, haunt is a strong word. Just random stuffs that make me over think things and make me all negative for no reasons. I swear it's really tiring to be in my own thoughts sometimes. Or rather, I'm tired of them.

But okay, I guess February really was a lot better than Jan HAHA Like I'm more certain of what I want and have a better idea. Right now it's really the process of actually doing it. And properly planning and thinking and following through with it. And I think the part of taking risks and what not. How far I'll go. Not being all cliche and all but really, I think the most important step is really to be brave and step out of the comfort zone. Deviant from the norm. Don't restrict yourself from what you want to do or can do.

I think being risk averse is something that's holding me back from many things but being risk averse isn't completely a bad thing. It's just that I think right now, I really must be more daring and brave in going for the things that I truly want.

But in any case, a serious reminder to myself: stop worrying so much about the future that hasn't happen yet, stop trying to satisfy the world because you really don't owe the world anything and it is really not your responsibility to make everyone happy. And also, I think sometimes it's really unfair to yourself and to others when you overthink things yourself without letting other people know also. It's just stupid lar ah YF so just stop worrying so much and focus on other more important things and you know very well that most of the times (or rather all the time), your worries are needless and everything always works out well. So stop worrying so much and just learn to trust yourself and others. 

23

Twenty three is somehow my favourite number so I'm really hoping that this year will truly bring me good luck and be a great year. I saw this on FB today:

So before it turns to February, I'm just gonna doing a post to sum up my first one month of "trial". Somehow, 2017 didn't exactly start out great. I mean yea, I spent it with people I love so that was great. Like first time we actually countdown together HAHA So yea, that was nice. But somehow after that, school started and I got lost in just idk everything? I don't think I'm not used to school or what not. But I felt myself to be just floating around with no aim and purpose and it's pretty scary 'cause I'm a person who needs to have some motivation and aim in order to excel. When I float, I really float and my work sucks. And that's always when I will start to regret 'cause I know my potential is not there. I didn't do the best that I can.

Then turning 23. Honestly, I didn't feel much. As in prior to turning 23. Like everyone was saying it's damn old but to me, I really just felt like it was just one year older, that's all. Maybe it's because I spent my birthday alone last year and didn't feel anything strange. Maybe I got used to being alone during my time in exchange. I don't really know. But I guess for the past few months, or maybe every since I came back from exchange, I felt that my life was flat. Or rather, my character and personality or what not. I was very very lifeless and aimless and truly just floating around. And I guess it's really something that I still don't really like about myself? I prefer the YF who is driven and determined to do stuffs and really get shit done. I mean, yea, last sem I did get shit done and all but I guess December holiday killed it a bit and then January came and I felt lost. And January is always my favourite month but not this year which is really very sad.

But anyhow, so yes, birthday. It's really when you realise how freaking lucky you are to have friends who truly give a shit about you? I think sometimes I really doubt myself as a friend HAHA shit sounds really sad but yea, I guess sometimes you really forget that while others are great friends to you, you are to them also. I hope I'm not the only one who feels that. So yea, sometimes you really just forget that you actually mattered to others. That if you aren't around, it would be weird. Thank you guys for really making me feel loved. It may sound damn drama but yea, sometimes you really just forget the value of yourself. Which yes, it's very stupid of me ah.

I think that's the thing about me. I tend to forget the experiences I had or rather don't value them as much as I should have. I downplay my own strengths when in fact I should be showing them and say that hey, I'm actually capable of stuffs. Self doubt I guess. And thinking that my experiences don't matter. I guess even if it doesn't really matter, you need to first believe that they actually do so that you can "sell" yourself better. I think that's one thing that I lack. Selling myself. Actually, I don't know. I think I know how to. I'm just not doing it. LAZY. So yes YF please change this lazy habit of yours. Stop giving excuses and stop sleeping so much. Wake up. Read more. Do more.

You say 23 is your favourite number right? Please make this number proud. And that when you look back in your life, you will think that "Wow, 23 years old was a good year. 2017 was a good year." I think in life, we can never be short of more good years in our lives. The more the better so really, make every year count, every month count, every day count.

It's really okay to get lost once in a while but always remember to not resign to the lost and just continue on aimless. Fight back and come back stronger with a better version of yourself. 

here's to the fools who dream

[We've stumbled on a view
That's tailor-made for two
What a shame those two are you and me  

Some other girl and guy
Would love this swirling sky
But there's only you and I
And we've got no shot] 

A Lovely Night - Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone

My fav song from the movie heh. Very late on posting about this movie but was listening to the OST again and wah this is really one of the nicest movie I've watched recently. There's just this charm and magic to it somehow. Though the plot is quite typical, somehow it's still really very old school and classic. I think that's why it appeals to me 'cause of it's nostalgia feel.

And yes, I'm a fool who dream HAHHA not in the best way of dream but yea, still dream. Which, to be honest I don't know if I'm doing the right thing 'cause yea, sometimes dreaming really doesn't get you anywhere. I guess dream with no action. Lately, there's a lot of thoughts going through my head but it's hard to put in down in words proper. And all my thoughts are really all over the place. But what I don't really like most is that I'm really not as carefree as I used to be? I don't know but yea, I just feel that there is something in me that is different and I don't like that. I guess because there are many more uncertainties in life that are quite daunting. And I think I'm choosing escapism to "solve" them. I'm not very sure what exactly I want in life. But I know I want something.

Maybe I'm really just not courageous enough to fight for the things I want. Or rather, I'm afraid to say, "I want that". It's as if I'm not supposed to want it. I'm not supposed to have it. I'm not supposed to desire it? I don't really know. That's the problem I think. I really have no idea what is it that I want but I know there is something there. Maybe I just really need to be very honest with myself and face my facts and really just work towards it.

I think I really need countless reminders to tell myself that in this life, if you want something, you've got to work towards it. Sitting there thinking is really not going to work. Maybe it's this turning 23 making me reflect so much. When you look back on your past 23 years in life, what have you actually done? I know I'm still young with many more years to go. But yea, how do you want to spend the remaining years of your life? You have the power to change and alter it the way you want to. Or rather, God has a plan. But you can't just sit there and wait for it to just happen because though He has a grand plan for you, He can't control how you achieve them or what not.

Sigh, honestly I feel pretty lost but I don't want to resign to this life. I guess I really just need to focus on myself and start thinking about what is it that I really want out of this life. Where do I see myself in 5 years, 10 years. As cliche as it sounds, I think stuffs like that actually can help you focus and think more clearly about what you should do presently. Or rather, I hope to believe that it helps.

But yes, I'm gonna try somehow. Just really make time to discover myself again. Say so many times to have self-discovery trip, in the end all failed. Or rather, in the end never even try discovering. HOW YF. You really are a freaking procrastinator. But okay, stop scolding yourself also 'cause it's very annoying too.

I think right now, I just need to chill and breathe and know and believe that everything will really be okay ultimately. Trusting God and knowing that He truly has your back. This relationship with God is also something I think I really need to firmly do something about as well. Stop escaping from everything, YF. You can't escape life as much as you really want to. Embrace every part of it and truly enjoy it when you should. Just be free of inhibitions and what not. Stop second thinking yourself. 

everything all over

When you are overseas, you miss Singapore and want to come home. When you are in Singapore, you feel less motivated and driven and want to go overseas because you think that you are more driven and motivated overseas. To an extend, I think it's very true for me that I am really a lot more motivated and determined when I'm overseas. However, it's really not right that I am less determined and motivated when I'm back in Singapore. Because hello YF, this is the real life. This is the place where you have to be motivated, you have to be determined to do something about your life and make decisions of what you want to do. You have to start having a game plan about what you want and stop lying around sleeping or watching stuffs or whatever else you are doing. 

I really don't like how unmotivated I am as compared to when I was overseas on exchange last year. I know that I am still very much the same me from back in Groningen. It's just when the circumstance and environment change, somehow this lack of drive enters as well. Actually, I think it's just right now because I think I did find some drive in the second half of last year where I actually really worked hard and did well. 

But okay, I think yea, I really need to wake up my idea and stop thinking that I can only be motivated and driven when I'm overseas. Because yea, you are not overseas right now and you really need to get a grip of yourself and stop bumming around. Sigh, I think I really have too many posts frequently where I'm scolding myself for not doing stuffs. One thing that is really terrible about me is procrastination. I think I can really procrastinate about every single thing and it's really wah stop it leh. Stop saying next time, later, tomorrow, next week. Do it now if you want to do it. 

Like this blog also. I kinda regret not posting more during exchange or like during my trips in general. I realise I'm really a person who likes to reflect and read back on my experiences. Be it good or bad. Actually no, I prefer the good experiences HAHA but okay, I guess things that are worth remembering you will definitely remember them even though it's not documented or what not. Ah well, I'm just gonna rely on my this tiny brain which stores very useless information at times but I believe some important ones are there too. 

And never really thought I would actually say this but I really miss India. That experience was really something that I definitely treasure a lot and it's really a country that I will definitely visit again. I think I really need to remember all these things that I've done that actually make me who I am now. There are times when I really forget how I actually have my own stories to tell and share and I don't know, remember that I do have my fair share of experiences to share and don't just keep them all to myself?? What's the use of keeping them to yourself when you are the only one who knows about them? Some things need to be shared for a reason and I don't know, sometimes just have confident that your story may actually matter. Even if it actually doesn't, I don't know ah just have more faith in yourself I guess? It's true that sometimes you don't have to share everything. But sometimes you really can. Just I don't know, remember things that are worth sharing. Tell stories. Your own stories. I tend to be a person who likes to tell stories about my family and friends but not my own stories. But I guess that's normal? 'Cause you don't want to put yourself in the limelight. But it's weird 'cause hello, who is the best storyteller of your own life? Yourself please. So if you don't tell stories about your own life, nobody will do it for you. Sorry you are not famous enough to have someone write a biography about you hor. But okay ah, I guess I'm really more of a listener than a talker. So yes, I really need people who can actually make me share my own stories and also share their stories with me as well. I'm very demanding. 

Okay, I think it's time to either sleep or do work. Wah another thing also. When it comes to sleep or work now, I always keep choosing sleep. It's good and bad thing ah idk. Oh well. 

best horrible friends

I'm totally gonna get mocked for this post but heng I never post immediately on 1st Jan and before skyping these idiots. And despite knowing that they may (or may not) be annoying and laugh at me, I still wanna post 'cause I don't know why but I really felt very very happy on 31st Dec 2016. Not just because like I got to see my friends' plus ones and really like them because they seem like the best people for my dearest friends. It's mainly because I realise how we are going into another phase of our life but we are still very much together.

I remember thinking and talking about this day with some of the rest where we bring our plus ones to some gathering to introduce to each other and how cool it will be if we all can be friends. Okay granted, the meeting was short so to be honest, we aren't exactly friends yet but I still like them 'cause I'M BIASED HAHAHA. Okay lar, honestly I trust my friends have good taste in people hehe. And okay, only 3 out of 11 of us have plus one LOL but it's really a start and it's so exciting. I really like it that we are moving into different phases of life but we are still here for each other and being the constants to each other despite all our very busy lives. How we will try to make time for each other and make the effort to meet up. Or just talk nonsense on Skype for hours just to accompany our friend who was hobo-ing at the airport and hopefully we did make him feel a bit better about his situation with our nonsense and gave him a bit of warmth from home through the wonders of technology (okay, there is something wrong with this sentence but the idea is there).

And yea, for the hundred millionth time, it just makes you smile when you know that these people are really here for life. They are not faking it. True, there are times when you are genuinely annoyed with them and really cannot stand having them around. But you know that they are really here for the keeps. For the long term. No matter how annoying they can be, they will really be there with you in your life in some ways or another. Not constantly there for you but still there. They are really people who are truly like your family. It's like how you can't stand your parents and siblings sometimes and really dislike them at times for whatever they do that don't seem to go along with what you think should be done, but you still continue to love them and are still there for them whenever they need you. There are some friendships who are similar to that and sometimes we take them for granted but I've come to realise that such friendships are actually really freaking rare.

It's like when you are so used to these friends being there for you, you really forget that actually this friendship that we have is freaking hard to come by. It's rare to have friends from when you were younger and it's even more rare that they just so happen to be some of the closest friends you will ever have in life. True, along the way, you will make new friends, there will definitely be new friends who you know that will last for a lifetime too. But yea, no matter when you know these friends, if they are worth the keeps, they are worth the keeps. If they stay, they are truly treasures in your life that you should never take for granted. I think taking people for granted is really one of the worst things that I know I am also guilty of sometimes. So idk, I think it's very important to check with yourself if you are actually taking someone for granted and treating them badly. There are times when you really may not realise it but you are actually taking their presence and their actions for granted and that really shouldn't be the way. There's a difference between being very comfortable with each other to ask for favours and taking people for granted. No matter who he or she is, no matter what he or she do, always remember to show some gratitude to them. In ways that they also know. If you show it in ways that only you know, then it defeats the purpose. And I'm not saying you must show gratitude 24/7 but during times when you feel that hey, maybe this person needs someone to let them know that they are well appreciated. It's a small thing but it matters. Like how I always feel that saying "thank you" is very important. I agree that one should not keep saying sorry but there shouldn't be such thing as saying too much "thank you". Okay, in my own personal opinion, I feel that thank you is really just nice to hear somehow. Showing gratitude I guess. Appreciation. Affirmation HAHA MAYBE I AM THE ONE BEING FREAKING NEEDY.

But I guess yea, my whole point is really just remember to show gratitude to the people closest to you and do not take them for granted. Because life is freaking short and you really don't know what is gonna happen the next moment and you really don't want it to be too late to tell someone that you appreciate them and that they are important to you in this world.

I am quite amazed at how I actually managed to talk real reflection stuffs from whatever I initially wanted to post about. HAHA but yea, I'm really thankful that I have these friends here and many others who are just really blessings in my life. Yall know who you are 'cause only a few people read this LOL but okayyy, even those who don't read this or don't even know this place exists are actually pretty important to. But idk, it's really weird to tell people that you actually still have a blog and post regularly HAHA but then again, this is really still my sort of private space to just randomly type out stuffs so nope, it's too weird to share it with too many people. I still am very much in my own bubble and need my own space. But I also need some people around hence yall can still read this leisurely HAHAH

Okayyy I think it's time to sleep and be ready for school tomorrow. WEWWWWW LAST EVER FREAKING SEM IN UNIVERSITY ALREADY LETS GOOOOO 

2016; to be thankful for

Lately I've been feeling a lot of weird negative energy within myself. I'm blaming my hormones once again 'cause my period is late again so I really hope that it's coming soon and I'll start to feel happier and more genuinely positive with life LOL

Anywayyy so this is my attempt at trying to feel better by reflecting on 2016 and remember the things that I should be thankful for. 2016 has been a rather confusing year. I don't know whether it's a good or bad year but I know that I've grown and changed my perspectives on many things over the past year. There are some things that I never really thought I would think that way but I can finally understand why it's like that. Sigh, actually I feel a bit incoherent now suddenly. It's like all the thoughts all over the place. And I a bit sleepy HAHA

I think the past week had been pretty crazy. Having something every day and I think I really quite drained. Though okay, I kinda rested a lot last week but like not enough HAHA there are still a lot of things I haven't do yet and school is starting next week =( Though I'm excited for my last semester of school, it's still pretty scary.

Okay, this isn't gonna be some reflection piece I lied. I tried ah but I really feel sleepy now. Maybe 1st Jan. LOL sigh, really low maintenance for this blog but okay lar it's really just for me to clear my thoughts and feel better. Okayy I'm done for now.


Okay ah just one FYI for myself is yea, stop being so down and idk, really remember that there is a lot more to life and stop being so aimless and lifeless and get your act together. You are better than this. Don't let everyone else's opinions affect you. Be stronger than that. 

stretch

I think it's the time of the year where I always get frustrated with myself and everyone around me, but mainly myself. First, I never ever learn how to allocate time to myself. But okay, actually I can see myself improving slowly. It's just that there are really a lot of people I want to meet. But there is really just this 24 hour in a day thing and 7 days a week. And on top of that, you take away sleeping time and work time and travelling time, you aren't left with a lot of time. So this balance thing with time is something that I have yet to figure out and I honestly don't think I ever will. But I guess the alone time is something that I am really trying hard to do so. Specially allocate time just to not socialise and just be by myself. 'Cause freaking hell, I have no idea why I get tired but I really do. Though, I find myself getting energy from others also. Here's what I really don't know. I like being around people but at the same time I cannot over do it. But also, on the other hand, I want to meet a lot of people as well. So it's essentially just me being greedy of wanting everything. But sorry YF, life doesn't work that way. You are honestly just self-contradicting and I think that's why you are so frustrated. It's really just being greedy and stretching yourself to the point where you just sit and wonder why you are doing this.

Second, I think this is something that I think it's not fair to just throw it at people but there are times where I feel like I'm the only one caring or bothering with all these meet ups and what not. When someone asks a question, it's really only polite to answer the person. Unless you say that you never read the message yet. Then okay, I can forgive you. But if you read it, and you don't reply, I don't know. I just feel that it's basic courtesy? Maybe it's just met living in my own idealistic world that when you ask a question, you will get a response. But I guess it really doesn't happen sometimes. Most of the time. And it really feels like I'm talking to air. And it's really freaking annoying. Best part is that I have been complaining about this since when I started organising shit. And it happens to a lot of different groups where I ask questions and it's just left hanging. So you would think that I'll be used to not having a response? I am used to it, but that doesn't mean that I like it. Or enjoy having no one replying me. But I will still do it 'cause yes, I really have control issues and yes, I want to meet and all that. So at the end of the day, it's really just my own issues again. Like why am I making myself go through all these frustration when all you can do is just stop doing it. It's really the why care when no one else is caring? But I am like that. I care. As much as I don't want to care. I always say, I don't want to care anymore. But it never happens. And I think I'm really frustrated with myself for caring so much also.

But okay, to be fair, there are people who do bother and do reply. So yes, for them, I am thankful. It truly makes planning stuffs a lot easier. But I don't know if I'm giving people benefit of the doubt or it's real in that those who don't reply do care also. It's just, they don't reply. Aiya, I think I'm really just giving excuses for them because I like them and I want to see them. But freaking hell, it's really damn frustrating. It's really like you are just talking to yourself and spamming the chat. Like why? Why is it so hard to just say reply something? Will it really kill you? I think I really have issues in needing acknowledgement and affirmations. Maybe it's a from young thing. Kena ignored by my parents and sister HAHA kidding. Okay lar, to some extend, being the youngest, you will get ignored most of the time. So maybe it's really why I feel the need to seek constant acknowledgement and affirmation. Childhood issues.

Sigh okay I feel better after typing it all out. It's really just the frustrated but I don't know what I'm frustrated about feeling. Always leh. During December. Or just whenever I have a lot of free time and start planning stuffs and the response and support don't reflect my own enthusiasm.  I think maybe my own expectations of people are too high too. I don't know. Just don't have expectations is the best. But you can't help it. At times you really think that the degree of you wanting to meet a person is the same as the degree of that person wanting to meet you. Maybe it's true, maybe it's just expressed in different ways, maybe I am giving the benefit of doubt once again. Maybe I'm wrong and they are just like why the heck is YF bugging us again and again. That's why really, times like these just makes me want to stop caring. But it really sucks that because I'm the kind of person that once I see you as a certain level of friend, I will care. I will bother. And I will just keep bugging. Sucks lar. It's really they why you so loser need to keep clinging on to people when you can see that they don't care. But I keep thinking that it's really not they don't care it's just they lazy and they know that someone else will organise and that someone else happens to be me. Stupid lar really. It's like I know I'm being taken for granted but I gladly do it. What even is this. Or maybe it's really just the stupid sense of responsibility in me. The responsibility that you are tasked to organise outings and meet ups.

But okay, having rant out so much, like I said, I know I'm not being fair to people. Because yea, there are a lot of times when I'm not the one planning. So I do really appreciate other people who bother and make the effort to initiate and plan things. I know I am not alone in this thing. So yes, I'm not saying that I'm the sole person doing everything. Just that yea, it would really be well appreciated if you just need to reply and support my planning. That's all leh really. You don't have to do much. I think that's why it's really frustrating for me. It's like I'm already doing it, you just need to reply, but you don't reply. So like. What. Is it really just me thinking that yall care when actually yall don't give a shit? Maybe. So maybe I'm wrong. Sigh, I really don't know.

But the thing is, even though I complain so much and rant about this continuous, almost at least once every single year (actually I think probably more than once), it is always worth it. I guess that's really why I still always bother no matter what. Because whenever I met up with these different groups of people, I had a great time and really enjoyed myself. So yes, it really is all worth it. So once again the conclusion is I won't stop caring and I will keep planning but please, just give me more support and let me know that what I'm doing is worth it and I should continue bothering. Because honestly, at some point of time, I believe I will really stop bothering all together. Because again, the time we have is very short and as we grow older, there are gonna be more commitments and random shit. So when the time comes when I really have no time, I will just not bother with those who don't bother anymore. Like really. I know I say this and I know I'm actually lying 'cause I know there are some people in my life you tell me to let go I die also cannot. But lately I realise things changes in very scary ways and my perspectives to certain things change in ways that I used to think that I would never think in this way. So I really don't know if there will come a time when I really just decided to stop bothering those who don't bother. Because yea, this internal conflict and contradiction can really weigh me down sometimes and lately the way I deal with things that are weighing me down is just to throw them aside and stop bothering.

I guess as you grow up, you really begin to realise what adults say about losing friends as you grow older is kinda true. Even though it's really very very sad. But I guess life really just happens and so when you want to keep someone in your life, you do something about it.