NOTE TO SELF

“If you don't believe in God, have enough faith that if there is a God, He believes in you.” 

- Anonymous

I'm not an atheist. And actually I believe in the existence of God. Just that I don't know why but this quote just really struck me. That really no matter what you believe in, you just have to have strong faith in yourself and know that you are capable of doing many wonders.

So yea, this post is really a note to myself to be more confident with myself. For the past few weeks, with all the interviews and job applications, I realise that yea, one thing that I really lack is confidence. Which I think it's really bad 'cause during interviews, confidence gives you half the battle won. Okay, maybe not exactly half but definitely adds points to yourself. And I think it's really something that I have to learn to be more of. Just to be more sure of myself. It's not as if I don't know my stuffs. I know them, so I really have to show it to others that I know them too.

And yea, I think just don't ever self doubt. My sister was telling me that the worst feeling to feel now is to doubt yourself so don't ever do it now. Yes, you are still jobless. But it's not because you are not good. It's really just not the right companies and places yet so just be patient and wait for the right one to come along. The right job will definitely be worth the wait. I guess, just don't doubt your own worth. It's hard at times though when the only replies you get are rejections. But I think the right job will definitely come along.

I guess also remembering the things that you are good at, the things that you are passionate about. Show it to the interviewers. You can show them to your family and friends so you can definitely show it to the interviewers also. Remember all the things that you have done and experienced before. Share with them because they won't know about them unless you say it.

But I guess also take heart that sometimes things may not always go your way but it's okay. Just be patient. Good things are really worth the wait. I guess the wonderful thing about life is that it always isn't perfect. And that's the beauty of it.

"perhaps most of the challenging times in your life were the milestones that really shaped you and grounded you as a person cause you were at your lowest point then but you got through it and emerged a stronger person and it'll continue for as long as you live cause you're really just always developing yourself"

Recently my dear friend told me this and it really resonated with me so well. If life is always smooth sailing, it wouldn't be called life anymore and there is just nothing going on and you are just stuck. So I rather have a life that is filled with challenges to overcome and yea, it makes life worth more living and though the negatives really suck sometimes, you will get past them and come out stronger. And you will learn to appreciate the positives more often and I guess that's why life is really just amazing.

And I think one thing that I gotta learn is acceptance. There are some things in life that you want to just reject immediately without accepting it first. Which, makes sense. LOL but I guess there are some things that you cannot reject immediately and you have to learn to accept it first. It's damn bloody hard to come to terms with it and accept the circumstances surrounding it but in order to actually deal with it properly, you need to learn to acknowledge them and accept them then you can deal with it. Sometimes when you reject it up front, it doesn't solve anything and actually just makes everything harder 'cause the issue is still very much there and unresolved. Acceptance is hard but it's not impossible. So really just give yourself some time to come to terms with things and learn to deal with them after.

This year really has been pretty interesting and a lot of learning. I think for awhile I thought I was very sure about everything and how life would be and all. But I guess I wasn't actually very certain as I thought I was and even though all these uncertainties make me feel uneasy at times, I'm damn glad that I am having all these uncertainties. You can learn and grow from them and really just come out stronger and better.

So I guess I'm just really damn thankful to have a very good support system in the form of my family and friends. People who are really believe in me more than I believe in myself and knowing that I have them around really gives me the strength to carry on what I am doing and work towards the future.

finding myself

Sunrise at Cha-Am in Thailand! Sunrise and sunset truly never fail to amaze me and just be in awe at this wonderful creation by God. These colours are just amazing.

Anyway, I'M BACKKKK hahahah and in the best way. I guess for the most part of this year, or rather mainly ever since my last day of exams back in April, I hasn't been completely myself and I know it. Or rather I just really felt very floaty. And especially July. I don't know why but there was just a lot of uncertainty and confusion and I know that I wasn't myself for awhile. I was very out of it and I guess the worse part is that some of my friends realise that I was very out of it also. I mean okay, I am a person who is easy to read but some stuffs you know you will still try to hide from people and not show it but I guess when people can tell that something is wrong with you, it means it's really quite bad.

But in any case, after a few weeks of pondering and thinking and wondering, I finally manage to sort out my thoughts at the start of August and wah it's really amazing 'cause I really felt that I was myself again. I don't really know how to say this feeling but I just felt like I had a better grip of myself and found some footing and grounding and idk, just finally can think better and make better decisions in general.

Though now is the end of August but I guess I really just wanna remember this period and remind myself that you can really overcome all the negativity or what not and just come out stronger and better. You just need to make a little bit more effort in trying to use your brain and rationalise everything and be strong and firm about the things you have decided on and not let life and everything else waiver you.

There are still many things that I haven't do and want to do but I guess I am just going to see how it goes and not be too controlled by the things that I haven't do and just live. It's true that procrastinating is bad but I guess what's really more important is living in the present moment. I guess that's why I really don't like it when I know that I'm out of it whenever I meet people. I will feel very frustrated with myself knowing that I'm not 100% present and there. Though yea lar, it's stupid but I think I'm not being fair to the other people there and to myself also. Because you are so preoccupied by your own thoughts that you forget to think about others and you also forget to just try to have a good time also. That's why I guess I'm really glad when I stop getting so preoccupied by all these thoughts and really just start to think clearer.

Anyway, so just some rough update still looking for a job but I've been going for some interviews so they are all good practices so I guess it's still good. Just need to not be dejected by rejections and really just work to improve myself to become better and be more confident. I think confidence is something that I really lack when I'm with strangers. I mean okay, even with my friends sometimes I also have low confidence HAHAH okay lar what lies. Boast about so many things whenever I have the chance. Cheyyy but okay ah it's really different when you are with family and friends VS when you are with people you just met. I guess really just be yourself and show the genuine side of you and the sincerity and I believe you will do fine. Just be confident I guess. I think being confident is really a big step forward to getting people to have a stronger impression of you. Know your worth man.

Sidetrack but yea, I'm slowly realising how as you grow older you really have lesser time for people and idk, you really learn to choose how you want to spend your time more carefully. Not in the bad way. But I guess idk, you really just become more selective but in a good way HAHA oh well, I guess to me what matters most is that I'm not meeting people for obligation but for genuinely wanting to see them and talk to them and find out what's happening in their lives. Growing up I guess. I think if you tell me this 5 years ago, I'll probably be like no lar, I confirm will have time for everybody one. Siao. Childish. Think 24 hours very long is it? And I think I really learn to treasure along time more. Like really just listening to music or just thinking.

And I think sometimes in life, you do miss people and you hope that some people play a more important and constant role in your life. But most of the time, things don't often go according to what you hope for. But you will be okay. Because really, look around you and you will see that you are very much loved and you already have people in your life who are truly worth the keeps. And I guess there are really just some people in your life where you don't have to meet them often or talk to them often but you know that once you see them, everything just falls in the right place and I don't know, you just know that this person is real, this person is for the keeps and I guess it's really a very heartening feeling to know that you have really great people in your life who inspire you daily.

Again, this post is all over the place but really, this current state that I'm in is one of the clearest of the whole 2017 I think. Sure, there are times when it slips back to being uncertain and unclear but I guess it's really all about just remembering that you need to get back on track and pull yourself together. Because heck, nobody else can pull you up best other than yourself. Being truthful and honest to yourself is the first step I guess. If you keep living in denial, you will not be able to find contentment and fulfilment in life. 

at least it happened before right?

The thing that I really really hate is that the present is no longer the same as the past. That some things just belong to the past and it won't ever happen again in the future. But at least all these memories happen before right? At least these past memories were very real and they can never be changed. Memories that will always last a lifetime.

But, why is it that these memories can't be brought forward to the present? Why is it that somehow some things really just don't work out the way you hope for them to work out? Why is it that time and again I always get caught up in the past even though I'm trying my best to live the present? Why is it that whenever I look back at all these memories, I feel a certain heartache that these memories are really a thing of the past and it won't ever happen again in the present or future?

I know very well that you know, at least they existed. These memories that I have are not fake. They are very very real. It's just not real in the present and I guess that's really just something you have to learn to deal with it. You really can't have everything going your way in life and sometimes you just gotta experience some sadness to make you stronger.

It's always nice to look back on the past and remember those memories and smile. I'm still very happy and thankful that those memories exist and I guess even though there are some things that are no longer the same, there are still many things that remain constant and honestly, I didn't lose much. It's just different I guess and it's something that I just have to get used to and really deal with it. Stop dwelling on the past that's already gone and just look forward to the future and live this present. And yea, I guess just see where life takes you and don't think too much in these things.

Most of the time overthinking kills and I admit that I'm usually a victim of overthinking. And it sucks more 'cause all these random thoughts just fester in my head and make me feel sad without me even realising it. So I guess it's really time to properly deal with all these thoughts and just always remember that there are really still many things to be thankful about and just many things to look forward to in life. So many more experiences that I've yet to experience and so many things to do.

And yea, at least all these memories happened before. I had my laughs and happiness and what not and I'm glad that life so far had been pretty good to me and I guess I'm also really thankful to know that after 16 years of education, I truly made quite a few bunch of friends who I know are truly for life. It's just heartening to know that you met very good people for most of your life and they are still very much part of your life. I truly am blessed and I really just gotta have faith that this period of uncertainty will be over soon and somehow I'll find some clarity in some things. 

3am is definitely not the best time to post and reflect but I guess when it comes, you just have to do it.

Was watching the Korean drama "Fight for My Way" and I honestly didn't expect myself to have so many feelings for this show. To me, it's pretty relatable now 'cause it talks about 4 friends who are in their youth and how they gave up their dreams and chase after their dreams. I guess for me the most relatable part is how no matter what they do, they really just wanna make their parents feel proud of them. They don't want their parents to worry and all that.

Right now, there are really a lot of thoughts going on in my head. And I really need to stop trying to escape from all these issues and really sit down and start sorting them out. I really need to stop running away because freak, the further I ran away, the further I am in trying to discover myself and what the hell I actually want to do with my life. In many aspects. Then you go around complaining and whining that you feel lost and shit and what not. Stop it. You know very well that the only person who can push you to move forward is yourself so freaking hell work on it. Stop being lazy, stop finding excuses. I think most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself too.

Yes, I may not have figure out exactly what I want to do but stop thinking that there's something wrong with that. Stop scolding yourself for being lazy and actually start acting to change this part of you. If you don't like this part of you so much, freaking hell work on it and just stop saying that you hate this part. Yes, you hate it. So what? Are you gonna keep letting it grow bigger and bigger? You yourself know what the issue here and you don't face up to it. So what difference does it make if you know about something but you don't act on it.

It irks me so much but I guess I really need to learn to cut myself some slack too. The more I'm annoyed at myself, the more I will be. I mean, it's pretty logically and a given but I think sometimes I really forget to give myself a break. Let myself breathe. When you don't even let yourself breathe properly, how the hell do you expect others to give you space also?

This really really sucks but I believe it will all get better right? All these confusions and lost. Maybe sometimes we don't need to know what exactly is gonna happen next. Maybe life just takes us there without us knowing. So I just gotta have more faith right?

travel bug

I think Korea is really a country that I can see myself going back often and not getting sick of it and Idk, I truly don't mind living in the country for awhile. This was my 2nd trip to Korea but I still felt like there are so many places I haven't go and so many places that I want to go again and just spend longer time at.

Anyway, this is gonna be a random post 'cause like in case I missed my month HAHA but yesss I've got a lot of things I wanna blog about though. It's just, don't really have time to properly sit down and type out everything. I think it's really just too many things. First, graduation. Next, Vietnam grad trip. Then, Korea grad trip. And then many other random things that I wanna talk about in proper form.

And right now I just feel like I wanna keep going overseas. Even after coming back from two trips. Though I was really tired from both, there is just this part of me that really wants to go out again. And I kinda really want to do a solo trip. But I really have no money now to do that and if I was to get from my parents, they probably won't let me do a solo trip on their money LOL which, makes sense lar ah. That's why like I need to do a solo trip while with them HAHA like they do their own things while I do mine but I stay in the same accoms as them. That's good enough for me.

But okay, I think right now I should stop thinking of flying away and start planning and thinking about Singapore and what to do. Like job hahahahah. My mum gave me the green light to look for jobs overseas. Though she always gives me the green light for most things. But okay, I should really take this green light and start properly finding too. There was a period of time when I legit went to see and found jobs that I really interested in HK/China. But then of course, being the usual me, I never apply. See only, say only. So YF stop k. This usual me is not a good me. So I think right now it's really the best time to start getting my life together and really figure out what exactly do I wanna do. Just need to start somewhere I guess.

So okayyy I'll try to do this blog thing more 'cause I think writing really helps to consolidate my thoughts. And I think I really need to force myself. And really stop sitting on the sofa and using my phone for God knows what reasons. YESSSS time to come back and stop thinking about the next travel already YF. 

start soon

Wouldn't it be truly great if I can wake up to such views everyday? Waking up to see mountains and amazing sceneries. This isn't much of a view but this entire town in Austria was really one of my all time favourite place in Europe. Granted, I have too many favourite places in Europe but Austria is really one of my top 3 beautiful countries in Europe. And the standard of living is way more manageable as compared to Switzerland so that's a great alternative HAHA

Anyway, this photo is also a very good reminder to start sorting out my exchange photos again LOL really keep procrastinating and it's gonna be almost a year since I left Europe. But I'm so very sure I left part of my heart there. =\

Lately I really feel that there is something missing in my life. But I really can't pinpoint to what it is. But honestly, there are many things missing in my life right now. Like a job, a boyfriend, and many more actually. LOL but idk, I guess ever since exams ended, I feel very empty. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really enjoying this post exams freedom, and being able to sit around and do nothing and talk for hours without feeling guilty. But I guess I really need to start moving and doing something because it is really not me to just sit around forever. Even helping out with chores at home makes me feel more alive than sitting in front of the TV or laptop rotting. Okay lar, not rotting but like watching shows again and again. I'm enjoying the shows but I also still need to do something LOL I guess I hate it most when I just sit on my sofa and use my phone for damn long. Like hello? What is on your phone that can actually keep you looking at it for so long?

But okay, I guess really enough of all these frustrations that I complain about ever so often. But okay ah, I am only human and if I don't complain or let it out, I will just have everything suppressed in my head and it'll definitely explode someday and everything will be worse. Right now, I just have to set some short term goals for myself and slowly work towards them. I think I really need to start organising my life and everything 'cause as much as spontaneous and easy going as I can be, for my own life I really need some kind of organisation. But okay ah, organisation is always good to keep things in perspective. But I think also to really find out what exactly you wanna do. I have at least 50 good years ahead of me and it's really up to the current me to make the most out of everything. Like what Coldplay said, "but if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth". HAHA sorry, that was really cheap shot.

Okayy time to find some life back into myself HAHA just needa reorientate myself and readjust to this post uni life and start working hard for the future. Let's goooo 

wait for it

[ Today more than yesterday, Tomorrow more than today
eojeboda oneul oneulboda naeil  

If I only have you, I will brightly smile
neoman issdamyeon hwaljjak useul geoya  

I’ll pick you up, wherever you are
derireo galge neol eodie issdeunji  

Is it too late? I’ll run to you
neujeun geon anin geolkka dallyeogalge  

I’ll pick you up, so you won’t regret
derireo galge neol huhoehaji  

I’ll wait for you
anhdorok gidarillae  

I’ll pick you up right now
jigeum neol derireo galge ]

I'll Pick You Up (데리러 갈게) - Standing Egg

Sigh, this song really gets to me idk why. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo is greattt. Actually, the Kdramas lately has been quite nice. Ever since I came back from exchange. And yes, I find myself watching them regularly for my final year at SMU HAHA but in all honestly, they are really pretty feel good dramas or dramas with interesting storylines. And the drama OSTs is DAEBAK really. Their songs are really good. Or rather, you just feel a lot after listening to them. Maybe it's just me ah LOL

Anyway, yea the past week had been quite nice of doing nothing HAHA okay, I did quite a lot of stuffs actually. Just that yea, still haven't properly sit down and reflect and all. Or rather just consolidate my thoughts properly. Because okay, I was watching a drama HAHA so like that took up some time heh.

But yea, I really slightly blame being too free to get me thinking about many things. I mean, thinking is good, but it's not that great when it heads in a certain direction that doesn't make you feel good. So I guess I really need to stop lazing around and get my head back in the game. I think what I really need is to have something to work on and really just focus on it. When I have a clear direction, I'll stop all these thoughts from growing in my head and just yea, Idk, make me feel more in control of my life?

Sigh, I guess it's okay to feel things sometimes. Just that, sometimes these feelings really suck. Or rather, it's confusing to me and part of me want to figure it out but the other part doesn't want to also. So like, Idk what exactly do I want. I guess, even though I'm already 23, I still feel that I'm less than 20. How is it that I'm 23? But okay, to some extend, I feel that my outlook on life is really kinda different from when I was 19, fresh out of college. 4 years of university did change me, in a good way I think. And wah, when I look back at all the old photos, I really cringe. Though, those times were really great and fun. And somehow when you look back at all these photographs, a part of you really wants to go back to those times and relive them. But I know that they are really in the past. So, you really just have to deal with it. And look forward. The thing about the past (which I have been saying forever and ever) is that you cannot go back. So really, look forward k YF. Just try. And know that yea, everything will really fall into place somehow somewhere. But of course, it won't fall into place if you are just going to sit in front of your laptop and watch your kdramas and live in your self delusional state and hoping for things to just work automatically. You still need to work hard for them. So yea, slowly but surely find your way again k.

I really blame watching dramas sometimes for having all these thoughts. But I still can't help watching them oh welllll 

THAT'S CHRIS MARTIN FROM COLDPLAY

I'm posting at this weird timing now 'cause I suddenly remember how I haven't posted for April LOL but in any case, GUESS WHO JUST GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY?!??!

Honestly, I have a lot of thoughts to say about that. I mean, it is after all the end of another 4 years of education, and this is probably gonna be my final education journey unless I decided to take masters, which is pretty unlikely judging from how I realise I'm so very done with this studying thing. But in any case, yea, there's really a lot to reflect about and I think I really have to make it a point to properly reflect no matter how busy life can get. Just watch lesser shows and reflect instead k YF 

So far, I'm really just enjoying my post finals with all the shows and sleeping and really just lazing around. Which is good and bad? Time is passing very quickly though. Cause like it's gonna be one week since finals ended and I still feel like I haven't rest to enough. Or rather, I still got a lot of things I wanna do. Which actually I still really do have time over the next few weeks before flying to Vietnam. So I shouldn't worry too much lar ah 

Just that yea, time to reflect properly and I won't do it now 'cause my eyes are slowly closing in. But just in general, I still can't really believe that it's truly over? It's a very surreal feeling. But like I don't really know how to say also. Unemployment so far doesn't feel that scary HAHAHA but okay, I guess it's really because I'm enjoying my time and this final sem in school wasn't exactly the best and resting is important LOL oh wellll okay time to sleep and I'll continue this another day