comfort

Suddenly at a loss of words on how to begin this post but I guess, I'll just go with it ah LOL anywayyy, just completed my 3rd week of work and there's pretty much quite a lot of things going on and stories to say about it but the gist is that it's pretty intense but I believe I'll survive it. And I'm really learning things and being exposed to many opportunities so really just gotta learn and read more and just give my best shot.

I think the most important lesson that I got from these 3 weeks is to not be so hard on myself and give myself time to adjust to work life. Of course, don't take too long but I think also don't rush it. And it's okay to fall short of your own expectations of yourself. Just really, don't beat yourself up about not being good enough and etc. So I guess I also learned that I am not as chill pill as I thought I would be LOL but okay ah, I mean, during work time I honestly still think I'm pretty chill. It's just internal thoughts. Over thinking sigh. Self induced stress, it's really quite stupid LOL

But yes, it's all part of learning more about yourself and growing up and it's all good. I'm really good ah. Just really need to learn to manage expectations. Especially my own expectations of myself. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay not to know things, it's okay to question even though you may feel that these questions sound stupid. At least you question and not just sit there and be confused but don't clarify.

Another important lesson is also not to lose sight of the purpose of whatever you are doing. I think sometimes when we get too busy and too overwhelmed with everything, we forget the simple things like what are we actually doing this for. So I guess it's really important to remind yourself constantly to not lose sight of your purpose so that you will have stronger motivation to continue what you are doing.

And I also realise I'm really needy HAHAHA I guess when you are feeling not as happy, you really just wanna be around people who you are familiar with, people who bring you great comfort and you know you can just be at complete ease with them. So yes, I really miss my friends and really hope that somehow, everyone is working at the same company HAHA work will be so much more fun sia =(

But it's okay, it's important to meet new people and make new friends too and cannot always be confined in your own comfort zone. Time to really just put myself out there and not be scared of failure.

But yes, also thankful for the people in my life who are really just the greatest. And just people who bring my joy and laughter despite everything. So it's damn important to really just make time for all these small happiness no matter how busy or tired you are because these are the things that actually give you more energy to continue what you are doing.

As much as I really hate to admit it, adulting is really not fun hahhaah but okay, there is the part where you are actually earning your own money and idk somehow spending your own money definitely feels better. And planning how you wanna save up for other things or trips heh. I guess, it will all be okay as long as you remember that you have a strong support system in the form of your family and friends who will always be there for you and that you are really not alone on this journey.

what about angels

[ How unfair, it's just our luck
Found something real that's out of touch
But if you'd searched the whole wide world
Would you dare to let it go? ] 

Not About Angels - Birdy

But how can you let go of something that you never had? Right? And why is it that something real can actually be out of touch? But it really can.

Fate works in the funniest and strangest of ways right? Or maybe to me, it really does. It really feels like it's playing tricks on me most of the time. But it's okay. I guess it's really all part of growing up and figuring things out. Being okay with not knowing also.

I guess I need to learn to loosen my control and really let life be as it is. The future is something that you really won't know what's going to happen. And I guess, that's okay. Don't worry too much and really just make your best out of the present.

And good things are really worth the wait. I believe in this so much. And I see it happening time and again. So I guess it's really just a reminder to myself to be patient in life. In every aspect of life. Don't rush things, don't over think things, don't doubt yourself too much. And have faith and believe that at the very end of the day, it will all be okay. Things will eventually work out in ways that you can never imagine. So okay, the trick is to just take things easy and focus on things that you need to focus on right now and make the best out of whatever you are doing.

Gonna start my first job this Monday and I'm really excited. Though a little scared and nervous to what's to come but I guess I'm more excited than scared. And I really hope that I can do well in it but I guess really just give my very best and work hard. Time to get moving and give my best.

who's gonna have to die to remind us

[ These tough times they keep coming
Last night I might have messed it up again
Some days like I'm barely breathing
After we were high in the love, doped out] 

Beautiful Trauma - P!nk

So so so addicted to this song. It's beautiful and I'm really so happy that P!nk is back. And so is many other super good artist like my fav Kelly Clarkson and Sam Smith and Demi Lovato. Means many good songs to come wewww.

Anyway, life has been pretty up and down and all about hahahah. But I'm really glad that somehow it's suddenly a lot clearer and I'm very very excited to what's to come next. And yes, I know I always always mention this in almost every other blog posts lately but I'm really mad thankful for my family and friends. It's really because of them that I can be where I am now, and think the way I think now. People who really are there to just make me laugh, smile and make me a better person. And really just help me without wanting anything in return. And people who are so genuinely happy for me when good things happen and really just damn freaking supportive.

So yes, thank you everybody yall really the besttt. Truly blessed I guess. To know that you really have people who will be there for you no matter good times or bad. 

Life's probably gonna get very very busy soon but I hope I can still sustain this one post one month thing at least HAHA

But okay, in all honesty, I really miss the past. But I know that you know, at least they exist before. And I think what really matters is how you live life presently and really just make the most out of your days. Make sure you don't leave any room for regrets. Yes, the past was great, but you can't go back to those times so really just live the present 'cause whatever you do now shapes the future. 

you'll miss the magic of the good old days

[ Never thought we'd get old, maybe we're still young
Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I've been missin' what it's about
Been scared of the future, thinkin' about the past
While missin' out on now
We've come so far, I guess I'm proud
And I ain't worried 'bout the wrinkles 'round my smile
I've got some scars, I've been around
I've felt some pain, I've seen some things, but I'm here now
Those good old days  

You don't know what you've got
'Til it goes, 'til it's gone
You don't know what you've got
'Til it goes, 'til it's gone ] 

Good Old Days - Macklemore & Kesha

I don't know why this song just gives me a lot of feels. I think especially 'cause I'm a freaking nostalgic person so this song really just speaks to me. But yea, this part is my favourite 'cause yea, the past was great, the future seems daunting, but what's most important is still the present and really just appreciating everything you have presently and just enjoy life as it is.

"The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." - Marjorie Pay Hinckley

The past few days have been quite a strange rollercoaster ride of emotions and thinking and all. I'm still very much riddled with a lot of questions and uncertainties but I'm also crazy thankful for the amazing people in my life who truly have my back and really just listen to me and give their advices where they deem fit and idk, also just really very supportive of the decisions that I make. Or simply just people who are here to make me smile a little brighter and laugh a little loudly.

I guess even though I still haven't found some things I'm looking for, I'm incredibly blessed with family and friends who are very much here for me when I need them to and just thankful to know that I'm really not alone in this journey called life. 

NOTE TO SELF

“If you don't believe in God, have enough faith that if there is a God, He believes in you.” 

- Anonymous

I'm not an atheist. And actually I believe in the existence of God. Just that I don't know why but this quote just really struck me. That really no matter what you believe in, you just have to have strong faith in yourself and know that you are capable of doing many wonders.

So yea, this post is really a note to myself to be more confident with myself. For the past few weeks, with all the interviews and job applications, I realise that yea, one thing that I really lack is confidence. Which I think it's really bad 'cause during interviews, confidence gives you half the battle won. Okay, maybe not exactly half but definitely adds points to yourself. And I think it's really something that I have to learn to be more of. Just to be more sure of myself. It's not as if I don't know my stuffs. I know them, so I really have to show it to others that I know them too.

And yea, I think just don't ever self doubt. My sister was telling me that the worst feeling to feel now is to doubt yourself so don't ever do it now. Yes, you are still jobless. But it's not because you are not good. It's really just not the right companies and places yet so just be patient and wait for the right one to come along. The right job will definitely be worth the wait. I guess, just don't doubt your own worth. It's hard at times though when the only replies you get are rejections. But I think the right job will definitely come along.

I guess also remembering the things that you are good at, the things that you are passionate about. Show it to the interviewers. You can show them to your family and friends so you can definitely show it to the interviewers also. Remember all the things that you have done and experienced before. Share with them because they won't know about them unless you say it.

But I guess also take heart that sometimes things may not always go your way but it's okay. Just be patient. Good things are really worth the wait. I guess the wonderful thing about life is that it always isn't perfect. And that's the beauty of it.

"perhaps most of the challenging times in your life were the milestones that really shaped you and grounded you as a person cause you were at your lowest point then but you got through it and emerged a stronger person and it'll continue for as long as you live cause you're really just always developing yourself"

Recently my dear friend told me this and it really resonated with me so well. If life is always smooth sailing, it wouldn't be called life anymore and there is just nothing going on and you are just stuck. So I rather have a life that is filled with challenges to overcome and yea, it makes life worth more living and though the negatives really suck sometimes, you will get past them and come out stronger. And you will learn to appreciate the positives more often and I guess that's why life is really just amazing.

And I think one thing that I gotta learn is acceptance. There are some things in life that you want to just reject immediately without accepting it first. Which, makes sense. LOL but I guess there are some things that you cannot reject immediately and you have to learn to accept it first. It's damn bloody hard to come to terms with it and accept the circumstances surrounding it but in order to actually deal with it properly, you need to learn to acknowledge them and accept them then you can deal with it. Sometimes when you reject it up front, it doesn't solve anything and actually just makes everything harder 'cause the issue is still very much there and unresolved. Acceptance is hard but it's not impossible. So really just give yourself some time to come to terms with things and learn to deal with them after.

This year really has been pretty interesting and a lot of learning. I think for awhile I thought I was very sure about everything and how life would be and all. But I guess I wasn't actually very certain as I thought I was and even though all these uncertainties make me feel uneasy at times, I'm damn glad that I am having all these uncertainties. You can learn and grow from them and really just come out stronger and better.

So I guess I'm just really damn thankful to have a very good support system in the form of my family and friends. People who are really believe in me more than I believe in myself and knowing that I have them around really gives me the strength to carry on what I am doing and work towards the future.

finding myself

Sunrise at Cha-Am in Thailand! Sunrise and sunset truly never fail to amaze me and just be in awe at this wonderful creation by God. These colours are just amazing.

Anyway, I'M BACKKKK hahahah and in the best way. I guess for the most part of this year, or rather mainly ever since my last day of exams back in April, I hasn't been completely myself and I know it. Or rather I just really felt very floaty. And especially July. I don't know why but there was just a lot of uncertainty and confusion and I know that I wasn't myself for awhile. I was very out of it and I guess the worse part is that some of my friends realise that I was very out of it also. I mean okay, I am a person who is easy to read but some stuffs you know you will still try to hide from people and not show it but I guess when people can tell that something is wrong with you, it means it's really quite bad.

But in any case, after a few weeks of pondering and thinking and wondering, I finally manage to sort out my thoughts at the start of August and wah it's really amazing 'cause I really felt that I was myself again. I don't really know how to say this feeling but I just felt like I had a better grip of myself and found some footing and grounding and idk, just finally can think better and make better decisions in general.

Though now is the end of August but I guess I really just wanna remember this period and remind myself that you can really overcome all the negativity or what not and just come out stronger and better. You just need to make a little bit more effort in trying to use your brain and rationalise everything and be strong and firm about the things you have decided on and not let life and everything else waiver you.

There are still many things that I haven't do and want to do but I guess I am just going to see how it goes and not be too controlled by the things that I haven't do and just live. It's true that procrastinating is bad but I guess what's really more important is living in the present moment. I guess that's why I really don't like it when I know that I'm out of it whenever I meet people. I will feel very frustrated with myself knowing that I'm not 100% present and there. Though yea lar, it's stupid but I think I'm not being fair to the other people there and to myself also. Because you are so preoccupied by your own thoughts that you forget to think about others and you also forget to just try to have a good time also. That's why I guess I'm really glad when I stop getting so preoccupied by all these thoughts and really just start to think clearer.

Anyway, so just some rough update still looking for a job but I've been going for some interviews so they are all good practices so I guess it's still good. Just need to not be dejected by rejections and really just work to improve myself to become better and be more confident. I think confidence is something that I really lack when I'm with strangers. I mean okay, even with my friends sometimes I also have low confidence HAHAH okay lar what lies. Boast about so many things whenever I have the chance. Cheyyy but okay ah it's really different when you are with family and friends VS when you are with people you just met. I guess really just be yourself and show the genuine side of you and the sincerity and I believe you will do fine. Just be confident I guess. I think being confident is really a big step forward to getting people to have a stronger impression of you. Know your worth man.

Sidetrack but yea, I'm slowly realising how as you grow older you really have lesser time for people and idk, you really learn to choose how you want to spend your time more carefully. Not in the bad way. But I guess idk, you really just become more selective but in a good way HAHA oh well, I guess to me what matters most is that I'm not meeting people for obligation but for genuinely wanting to see them and talk to them and find out what's happening in their lives. Growing up I guess. I think if you tell me this 5 years ago, I'll probably be like no lar, I confirm will have time for everybody one. Siao. Childish. Think 24 hours very long is it? And I think I really learn to treasure along time more. Like really just listening to music or just thinking.

And I think sometimes in life, you do miss people and you hope that some people play a more important and constant role in your life. But most of the time, things don't often go according to what you hope for. But you will be okay. Because really, look around you and you will see that you are very much loved and you already have people in your life who are truly worth the keeps. And I guess there are really just some people in your life where you don't have to meet them often or talk to them often but you know that once you see them, everything just falls in the right place and I don't know, you just know that this person is real, this person is for the keeps and I guess it's really a very heartening feeling to know that you have really great people in your life who inspire you daily.

Again, this post is all over the place but really, this current state that I'm in is one of the clearest of the whole 2017 I think. Sure, there are times when it slips back to being uncertain and unclear but I guess it's really all about just remembering that you need to get back on track and pull yourself together. Because heck, nobody else can pull you up best other than yourself. Being truthful and honest to yourself is the first step I guess. If you keep living in denial, you will not be able to find contentment and fulfilment in life. 

at least it happened before right?

The thing that I really really hate is that the present is no longer the same as the past. That some things just belong to the past and it won't ever happen again in the future. But at least all these memories happen before right? At least these past memories were very real and they can never be changed. Memories that will always last a lifetime.

But, why is it that these memories can't be brought forward to the present? Why is it that somehow some things really just don't work out the way you hope for them to work out? Why is it that time and again I always get caught up in the past even though I'm trying my best to live the present? Why is it that whenever I look back at all these memories, I feel a certain heartache that these memories are really a thing of the past and it won't ever happen again in the present or future?

I know very well that you know, at least they existed. These memories that I have are not fake. They are very very real. It's just not real in the present and I guess that's really just something you have to learn to deal with it. You really can't have everything going your way in life and sometimes you just gotta experience some sadness to make you stronger.

It's always nice to look back on the past and remember those memories and smile. I'm still very happy and thankful that those memories exist and I guess even though there are some things that are no longer the same, there are still many things that remain constant and honestly, I didn't lose much. It's just different I guess and it's something that I just have to get used to and really deal with it. Stop dwelling on the past that's already gone and just look forward to the future and live this present. And yea, I guess just see where life takes you and don't think too much in these things.

Most of the time overthinking kills and I admit that I'm usually a victim of overthinking. And it sucks more 'cause all these random thoughts just fester in my head and make me feel sad without me even realising it. So I guess it's really time to properly deal with all these thoughts and just always remember that there are really still many things to be thankful about and just many things to look forward to in life. So many more experiences that I've yet to experience and so many things to do.

And yea, at least all these memories happened before. I had my laughs and happiness and what not and I'm glad that life so far had been pretty good to me and I guess I'm also really thankful to know that after 16 years of education, I truly made quite a few bunch of friends who I know are truly for life. It's just heartening to know that you met very good people for most of your life and they are still very much part of your life. I truly am blessed and I really just gotta have faith that this period of uncertainty will be over soon and somehow I'll find some clarity in some things. 

3am is definitely not the best time to post and reflect but I guess when it comes, you just have to do it.

Was watching the Korean drama "Fight for My Way" and I honestly didn't expect myself to have so many feelings for this show. To me, it's pretty relatable now 'cause it talks about 4 friends who are in their youth and how they gave up their dreams and chase after their dreams. I guess for me the most relatable part is how no matter what they do, they really just wanna make their parents feel proud of them. They don't want their parents to worry and all that.

Right now, there are really a lot of thoughts going on in my head. And I really need to stop trying to escape from all these issues and really sit down and start sorting them out. I really need to stop running away because freak, the further I ran away, the further I am in trying to discover myself and what the hell I actually want to do with my life. In many aspects. Then you go around complaining and whining that you feel lost and shit and what not. Stop it. You know very well that the only person who can push you to move forward is yourself so freaking hell work on it. Stop being lazy, stop finding excuses. I think most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself too.

Yes, I may not have figure out exactly what I want to do but stop thinking that there's something wrong with that. Stop scolding yourself for being lazy and actually start acting to change this part of you. If you don't like this part of you so much, freaking hell work on it and just stop saying that you hate this part. Yes, you hate it. So what? Are you gonna keep letting it grow bigger and bigger? You yourself know what the issue here and you don't face up to it. So what difference does it make if you know about something but you don't act on it.

It irks me so much but I guess I really need to learn to cut myself some slack too. The more I'm annoyed at myself, the more I will be. I mean, it's pretty logically and a given but I think sometimes I really forget to give myself a break. Let myself breathe. When you don't even let yourself breathe properly, how the hell do you expect others to give you space also?

This really really sucks but I believe it will all get better right? All these confusions and lost. Maybe sometimes we don't need to know what exactly is gonna happen next. Maybe life just takes us there without us knowing. So I just gotta have more faith right?