some nights

There will always be nights when you walk home alone and think about many things. Especially cold and windy nights. Somehow these nights give a lot of feels and yea, you start to miss people. Person, people. Things that cannot be help because they just enter your mind without your control.

So you keep yourself busy and block them out. Block out all these thoughts because right now, there are more important stuffs to think about and consider. And accept that sometimes, these thoughts will just come creeping back into your mind without your control. You just have to deal with it and accept it.

don't blame it on timing

Compatible doesn't mean you have to be together. Momentary feelings also doesn't mean you have to be together. Timing, is usually never right. Having chemistry is one thing. But timing, it never works in your favour. Most of the time.

"If you have chemistry you only need one other thing – timing, but timing’s a bitch."
- Robin Scherbatsky (HIMYM)

Timing is one thing but you shouldn't blame it on timing for things that don't work out. Because maybe it just wasn't supposed to work out in the first place. That yes, it's all just up to fate. See how fate plays out in the end. If it's meant to be, it will happen eventually. Because yea, I guess it's all part of God's plans for us. He has a master plan of how our life will be. And we have to have faith that it will lead to something great. Even if it may not seem so at times.

Faith to bring you through everything. Sometimes you really wonder when will it finally be your turn for a happily ever after. Especially on days when you walk home from a tiring day. And especially VALENTINE DAY. Yes, this day where somehow you are just more aware of how you are single.  But you know, you don't freaking hell need to be attached. You don't always need another person to make you happy.

Because first, you need to make yourself happy. You gotta build up yourself before everything else. Because people who are sure of what they want in life are the most attractive. And hell, you don't do stuffs because you want to attract others attention. You do stuffs for yourself. You don't owe anyone a living and you sure don't need to prove anything to anyone. When you do things, you do it for yourself.

I guess yes, I will be lying if I say that there are times when I really hope that there is some stupid guy there to hear all my rants and to stand up for me and to comfort me when I'm feeling tired or sad or all emotions haywired. That there will be someone who can calm me down and slow down my walking pace. Someone to hold me firm and just be there for me.

Of course you want that sometimes. But that doesn't mean you need it. And that doesn't mean you should rush into things that you aren't sure of. And that doesn't mean that you should try because the thing with trying is that you can end up getting really really hurt instead. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat who doesn't really believe in trying. But somehow, I still firmly believe that when it is the right one, you don't have to "try". As in you do. But somehow, it will be a more certain feeling. You won't ponder so much and think so much. You don't consider so much. 

Right now, I actually don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. Because I haven't sort out my own life yet. I am still in the midst of figuring out what I want to do. Ok, no one ever does figure that out but at least have some sort of directions and goals because I know that right now, I'm still uncertain. I guess it's better now though 'cause at least I have some sort of clearer direction as I was one year ago. But yes, there is still a lot more to improve on. I know I'm not that kind of aimless person and I want to be someone who knows what she wants in life and work hard for it.

And I shouldn't require some person to come and help me figure it out. I need to figure this out by myself. With God's help. Then after that, I guess it will all fall in place maybe? And even if it doesn't, do you really need to have someone in your life to make you happy? I guess yes, of course I want to have a boyfriend. Who doesn't? I mean yea, I want to get married and have kids all. But I guess I need to trust in God and have faith that my person will come into my life soon. Or that yea, he will just appear someday.

So yes, this Valentines' Day, I actually don't feel alone. Haha! As in seriously. Ok, of course there will be times when you get slightly envious, especially when you open Instagram and it's flooded with many vday stuffs. But then, you remember how you have a family who love you so dearly and friends who will stand by you no matter what. And then you will realise that hey, I'm alright. I have pretty great people in my life already and yea, it's good enough for me. That boy, will come someday ah. Haha! Just gotta be patient and focus my attention on myself instead of waiting for him to come. 

that first time

[ Just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby ]

For The First Time - The Script

My favourite part of the song. And my favourite song from them. Okay actually, I really like a lot of songs from them. They are really good omg. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THEIR CONCERT. And especially so because the day before their concert is my last paper for finals. So it's like double celebration. Seriously can't wait. 

And somehow this part of the song always gives me the feels.

And that feeling when you meet someone for the first time. Ok lar, honestly, I don't remember a lot of my first meeting with my friends. HAHA! As in nothing very very special. But I guess what really matters more is after that first meeting. And how they became very important people in my life afterwards. 

But yes, I really hate how life sometimes just doesn't work out the way you hope to. And how I don't know, the heart is a complicated thing. The mind is also another complicated thing. Everything. Is just really complicated and strange. And I don't know. I am really frustrated. At how things work and don't work. How at times I really feel like being all gutsy and say the things I want to say and do the things I want to do. The times when I'm just like you know what heck it, how long do I have to wait. But then I will stop and think. And that fear of rejection. And then the realisation of how important it is for me not to do rash stuffs like these. How the rational me comes in to play.

It sucks sometimes though. Like at times I really hope that somehow I can be more decisive and determined and straightforward and I don't know. Be braver. Be more daring. But nope. I'm not that. And I can't. When you think about what you may end up forsaking, you get scared. But honestly, sometimes you really wonder what exactly is there to lose? A lot of things actually. But are these things really important? Yes they are. But, freak why are you making yourself feel all confused? 

Too long. Too damn freaking long. I always thought I was cool with it already but somehow it keeps crawling back. This fate. I really thought it ended. I think it really did actually. But somehow, it always still found its way into my brain. Like I don't have enough things to think about.

I need something to jolt me back to my senses. Something to just stop me. I don't know. Ok maybe I really just don't know what exactly do I truly want. I think that's the problem. I don't really know what I want. I'll usually let things go naturally. But I'm tired of it too. Ok I don't know. Maybe it's a 21 year old thing. Something you will somehow think about after turning 21. When you realise how far you have come in life. And the things you have not done. Pretty scary.

21. OK, I shouldn't let age determine anything. Shouldn't let numbers affect me. 21 is just a number. Don't think of all the things you haven't complete yet. Remember the things that you have done. The memories that you have made. 

"What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."

I really like this part of the quote. I think this was from quote shared by Mr Phang. Every time when I read this part of the quote, somehow it gives me this strange feeling. Because it's really true I guess. How we have lived is truly more important and yea, just need to stop thinking so much and just see how it all goes. I mean yea, we have control over our lives but some stuffs are still beyond our control and I guess that's what makes life more exciting and worth looking forward to.

reluctance

I know that moving out is really a sooner or later thing but it really sucks. Like now that I realise I'm really not gonna have anything here to shift over soon, it just sucks. So I'm trying my best to not shift some stuffs so that there is a reason to come back. HAHA! Though me and my sister are still staying here 'cause of wifi. Which isn't a complete excuse 'cause we really do need wifi to do work.

But anyway, though I've really accepted that we are going to shift, there is still this strong reluctance. 15 years here leh. No joke really. I mean yea, some people stay longer but to me, these 15 years were really like the moments? And not to me too. HAHA! It's honestly quite funny how my friends felt sad too when I sent them the photo of my big empty living room. I mean yea, they have been very much part of this house too since they came here very often too. But yes, change isn't a completely bad thing. Though it's less than 1km away. HAHA! Yes, I went to Google map it and I realise it's less than 1km. I thought there was at least 1km but apparently not.

And I don't know, it's just this really strong reluctance suddenly. I guess it's really when you know you are really going to shift permanently and have no reason to come back to the old house. Though there are still some stuffs here and there but not so much. After the wifi stops working on 3rd Feb, my sis and I have no more excuses already. =\ And yes, means we will return back to our new house instead of coming here at the end of everyday. It's gonna be so weird.

I already miss my bed omg. I really have strong attachment issues. And I think partly 'cause it's so near to each other that you really don't feel like you are movin.g And it feels so easy to just come back here to sleep instead. It's a 5-10mins walking distance. So it's really nothing. But still really very different feeling.  I guess maybe after shifting my important things over (which are still here with me in the old house because I'm still at the old house), I will feel more at home in the new house? Maybe ah. My green walls though. =(

And it really sucks 'cause I wanna decorate my room and stuffs too but really no time now. I guess it's really kinda a wrong time to shift that's why I'm feeling like that. And too damn sudden. Less than one month since I know we were shifting house sia. And with school and everything, it's crazy.

And yes speaking of school, I really am quite scared. Because people are very smart. And it's really scary. I used to not think so much about competition and stuffs but I come to realise it really matters. But yes, I will still work hard and just try my best and see how it goes. Ok lar, that is honestly the only thing I can do so oh well, we'll see how!!

But ok lar, change isn't a completely bad thing. The view there isn't that bad too. And yes, good reflection place where you can see all the trees and blue sky and I think if you look really closely, you can see stars at night too. And sunrise apparent! According to my mama. So yes, ain't that bad.

And we still have a few more months until the old house will be confirmed sold so I guess I can still come back here sometimes if I want to. Sigh, I'm really just looking around my house and feeling this pang of sadness I don't even know why.

greatest

She is really the superwoman in this family and I really love her a lot. And I realise how similar we are as I grow older. LOL! I mean yes, she is my mother so naturally you will get some of her traits. But we really think quite similar and yes, I'm glad to have her around no matter what. Sure, we have our disagreements but somehow it will always be alright?

I guess yea. that's what family is. You have your disagreements but ultimately, you guys are family so no matter what, blood is really still thicker than anything else. No matter how annoyed I can feel with my family, I will still love them more than staying angry with them.

This is a very random post but yes I guess family is really just annoying but freaking hell important. 21 years with them and yes, I'm truly thankful to be born into this family. Regardless of how annoying they can be, I really think my parents have done a prety great in raising my sister and me and my sister for her good influence over me.

My support system since 1994 ♥