[ Like water in the desert
Impossible to find
But you found me when I was broken
Put me back together, gave me life
Like a flower in the concrete
So beautiful and rare
You gave me hope when I was empty
Walked me through the fire, you were there ]you! - LANY
hellooo as always, I ended up not reflecting properly before the year ends in 2020 hahaha but okay okay, I do really wanna do it properly but not now 'cause I am really tired so this will be a pre-reflection again HAHA
I was just thinking that I can actually see the progression in myself over the last 3 years since I graduated in 2017:
2017 was the year that I was fresh out of school with many dreams and hopes and excitement for the future and work. And I also actually posted more then because I was free after graduation and before looking for jobs HAHA family and friends wise, I am certainly very thankful for wonderful family as always and the friendships that I forge over the years. I feel that once these friends continue to be your friends even after work started and we all still make the effort to meet, it's really kinda locked in for life. At least for me. So just very very thankful to have found people who reciprocated the love hehe
2018 was the first year of work where I truly struggled a lot but also learned so so much about myself and how work is truly like. And I am certainly very thankful to have had the experience I had in my first job because on hindsight, it really pushed me and I am who I am now at work because of that first experience as well. And I did truly enjoy the work that I do and the colleagues are definitely ones for the keeps. Learning to also appreciate your family more and just be a better daughter, sister and granddaughter. I think 2018 was a year where I realise how mental health is so so important. Last time you kinda just dismiss it but wow, it really changed me quite a lot that everyone around me can tell that I am really not happy at my work and it affected my personal life too. And that's just bad. So yes, you should never neglect your own mental health no matter. But yes, I'm so glad I came out of it and really became stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
2019 was actually one really strange year that I also honestly didn't reflect properly. I guess it was a year for me to take a mental break after 2018 and just take life slowly. With that said, I admit that I am one who doesn't like things to be too slow. And I hate it when I go into a slump and just feel very meh. Which yea ah, it was the running topic for 2019, which I guess made me stop posting because I just felt like I kept saying the same things and not doing them and I was just going around in circle. Then again, okay I only posted twice in 2019 HAHA but yea, I remember feeling really uncomfortable and just feel like I am not being myself or at my fullest potential. That I can do more but I am just not doing it. But okay, I guess it's really a well needed break for me to take a step back after 2018 so there are reasons for why everything happened.
So 2020 had been a year where I learn to accept myself as I am and grow to learn that I am a human being with flaws and that is perfectly normal and okay. What's more important is to admit that you are flawed and to continue grow and learn and remind yourself that there is nothing definite about this life. What you thought you know for your whole life can very easily be wrong. It makes you feel uncomfortable when you realise that but that is precisely the feeling that you need to feel in order to grow properly. I think for the longest of time, I had always think that we should only think positive things and be happy always. But I come to realise that you need all emotions in order to be a fully functioning human. You cannot be happy forever and you shouldn't. I think when I was watching Inside Out for the first time, I thought it was a great show but didn't exact think more about the reflection of that in my own life. I think it was only until 2020 that I fully learn to accept this. Okay maybe 2018/2019 I already kinda realise it more? Like it's okay to be sad, angry, lazy, and all the negative emotions. You need these emotions as a signalling to tell you that hey, there is something that is not going right here that you should probably do something to change it. I think reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in 2020 really helps to put this into perspective. The contents in the book are things you already know but it's always a good reminder.
And of course, 2020 had been a year like no other with the entire earth being shaken by COVID-19. It's really one for the history textbook as there is really nothing like this ever I think. We are living through history and it definitely felt very very surreal. Of course, me typing this now feels a bit weird because it had sort of became the norm since it started happening in March 2020. But I think it is definitely still very very weird experience where you are at home for most of the time and you feel that your time had stood still but you are actually growing and learning more than ever.
Which, okay, I kinda regret not keeping up with writing down my thoughts more often in 2020 but I guess you will remember the learnings and reflections that are important to you right? 2020 had been truly the strangest year but the year that I felt like I grew and develop so much in terms of personal thoughts and etc. I told my friends I felt like I had some system upgrade for my brain hahaha. Yes, I am saying this as if I am a robot but idk how else to best describe. Okay, mind update LOL but yea ah its really suddenly realising how there are so many things that you are wrong about this life and accepting that it is okay to be wrong and just have to remind yourself regularly that what you think is never definite.
It's kinda like the bubble of how easy and rosy life is kinda just shattered. And that is okay. Or rather, I found it so so important that it shattered because let's face it, I am not getting younger and I think it's even more important for me to understand what this life is and not remain sheltered by my parents and sister. I gotta start figuring out properly what I want to do from here on for my life and start planning accordingly. Of course, also remember to accept yourself as you are and let yourself rest when you want to and feel slump-ish when it happens. You are only human k, so give yourself a damn break.
So okay, as usual, ended up kinda ramble more than I intended. I can never be succinct. That's why this blog is really just a dump of my thoughts. Thinking out loud but in typing form. So okay lar, I'll try to properly reflect by themes soon for 2020 and maybe 2019 if I can too. And of course what's the way forward for 2021.
And above all else, I am thankful that I got to understand more about God and Christianity. There is more to learn and I'll try to elaborate more in next post but truly it's God's time and just so thankful to know that He is always watching over me and guiding me through life. That I am really not in this journey alone.
Special shoutout to people who actually is still reading this LOL you really don't have to also k but I truly appreciate you for being curious about my thoughts HAHA thanks for always having my back
Leaving this quote from a pouch that my dear friend gave for Christmas:
"She believed she could so she did"
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