amidst the craziness

I'm actually posting because I want to have at least one post a month HAHA but okay, I guess I really needed somewhere to just consolidate some thoughts.

I have no idea why I'm so overwhelmed by so many things recently and it sucks that it's weighing down on me? Like I can feel myself just going down and down. And panic for no reason. It's like a part of me forgets that I can actually do stuffs. That I am capable of meeting all these deadlines and producing decent work. It's kinda like self-doubt of my abilities and work. Which I think it's not very good 'cause I don't know, you just keep thinking that you are not good enough and wah, not saying that I'm damn good 'cause yes, I have self-awareness and I know that I'm lacking in many ways. But I don't know, I guess probably the lack of confidence. I really don't like it.

I know it's something that I really don't have since forever but I guess when you are year 4 and about to graduate, this lack of confidence thing becomes more apparently because yea, you actually do have quite some experiences and what not. Remember them and share leh. Believe that your ideas are actually good and sounding and sigh, I don't know lar. It's like I have confidence but not really also. LOL it's a very weird feeling I don't know how to describe. But okay, I guess at least I will still try to voice out my opinions and not let it go away? Sometimes ah.

But okay, I guess right now I just really need to focus and get all these deadlines away and end this semester properly. It's terrible though that your second last sem and you still feel like you are drowning. Like hello, I thought after 2.5years in this system, you should know better and get used to it and I don't know, be more sure of yourself and just do stuffs and not get so stressed out easily??? It just feels like this whole 4 years had been a waste which I know it's not. I did learn stuffs and I did gain a lot of good experiences and made great friends who I know that after graduation, we will still keep in contact. It's just, I feel lost I guess? It's like year 4 already but I'm still confused with many things and not as sure of myself as I think I am? Sucks lar it's really self-doubting.

BUT ITS OKAY this sem is gonna end soon in a few weeks and freaking hell sia I really cannot wait. I guess I just really need to find my element and get some confidence back. Just that, I'm not entirely sure what's my element anymore. HAHAHA sigh.

Okay, I guess I really just need to focus on doing work and distract myself away from all these self-doubting and existential crisis. But honestly though, I really feel like taking a one year off and just live as a hermit. HAHA okay, it sounds strange but sigh, I guess part of me kinda miss my days in Groningen. But then again, actually no lar, what am I saying. I am a person who needs people around. So I definitely cannot be a hermit. See, self confusion here. Idk what exactly I want. Okay I guess I don't know, a year to just do something to help people. Like doing good. I think maybe 'cause the mods I'm taking this semester keeps talking about helping others and the less privileged people and what not. It's all making me very conflicted as to what do I want to do with my life.

I guess I definitely want to help people. As in hmm, not just help people but give back to the society. Help the people who are really less privileged. But yea, there is this thing with how can you help others when you can't even help yourself. But what if to help myself, I have to first help others? Like it works both ways. Helping others to rediscover yourself. Actually no, that's not an ideal way of helping other though. To help others you should really just want to be there and help them without wanting to get anything in return. Altruism. Is it really possible to be truly altruistic though? Honestly, I think it's not possible. But I guess the degree matters though. How much of you helping others is truly to help them more than to gain personal gratifications.

Okay, deep topics I'll probably leave it to December. Actually, I think I kinda figured out what kind of industry I want to work in already. So yea, I guess December is the time for me to start really properly finding and looking and crafting my resume and cover letters and start sending them out. So okay, blogging really helps wow HAHA suddenly feel so much better I have no idea why. But okay, the deadlines are still looming so yes, next post will be in November LOL

Kids - OneRepublic

[ Nights when we kept dancing
Changing all our plans and
Making every day a holiday
Feel the years start burning
City lights they're turning
Something 'bout this feels the same ] 

Kids - OneRepublic 

This song is stuck in my head recently and yesss I'm so happy that they are back with new songs. Which means they may be going on tour again soon. Which means they may come to Singapore again soon. And this time I WILL GO. 'Cause yea man, their songs I realise I really really like them LOL

Sigh, I suddenly miss Coldplay again. And omg yes, I haven't posted about Coldplay. Okay actually I haven't posted about a lot of other concerts too LOL they are all good ah. If I remember, it means it's worth remembering HAHA

Yes, that's how I'm seeing the world now. I don't need to document everything and every memory because this thing with memories, they are things you hold in your heart. They are not physical objects. If you remember it, it means that it was significant enough for you to remember it. If you don't, no matter how hard you try, you still won't remember it.

But anyway, Coldplay's concert is really my ultimate concert bucket list. Ever since I started going for concerts, Coldplay was the one that I really truly wanted to go for. Just that yea, they probably won't come back Singapore. BUT I still truly hope they will one day. BUT it's okay if they don't 'cause I saw them in UK already heh. BUT still not enough LOL I guess I can never be happy with all these many BUTs.

Have been posting quite frequently lately. I don't know if it's free or procrastinating. Okay lar, I know it's procrastinating. So yes, I'll sleep now and wake up early tomorrow to study. But okay, I'm still very glad to have this space to just reflect and think and share my thoughts. I think the past year had been a blur. And I feel that my priorities hadn't been straight for the past year. But I think I'm finally slowly getting back on track and yea, working hard and living this life truly for myself. And really just focus on being a better person and building up myself. I can see some stronger determination in myself right now and I don't know but yea, I'm honestly quite excited to see how far I can go? Sounds really strange and weird but yea, it's still a very strange feeling that I don't really know how to describe also. But I do know it's a very very good feeling so that's really good.

I think one thing that's quite sad is how this is my last year and it's only this year when I'm finding more motivation and determination LOL okay ah, I think I started to get more and more of it after year 1. Kinda. Okay year 3 wasn't that bad actually just that one sem was for exchange so I couldn't see how much motivation I can get. BUT IT'S OKAY. Better late than never. And yea, grades really isn't everything so we'll see how it goes!

Okay yes, I think time to really sleep and wake up early. Thank you to whoever still bothers to read this from time to time LOL yall are truly still stalkers but yea lar, favourite stalkers k I let yall stalk HAHA

even lemons are on your side

HAHAHA I was searching for a nice photo of the quote on the "when life gives you lemons" and I found this and I really LOL okay lar cheap thrills

Anyway, past few weeks/days had been a whirlwind of emotional rollercoaster rides for many various reasons that I truly hope that today's ride is the last one I'll be taking for awhile. And I certainly think it will be 'cause Idk, it is the one that has been bugging me for awhile already but I think I'm finally coming to the end of the ride. And this is one that I truly do no wish to go on again. At least not for awhile now because yes, I'm very very exhausted from this ride.

I'm not giving up on it I guess. I'll still ride it someday. But for now, I'm done. Time to focus on my other rides. You can't take so many roller coasters rides at one time. You will crumple and fall. And vomit. So yea, I think it's time to focus on all the small baby rides in your life first. And enjoy those rides even if they seem lame because they are sometimes actually the best ones. Cheap thrills are the best thrills most of the time. And I think people who can appreciate cheap thrills are certainly the best people to keep in life. People who are truly on your side and there for you regardless. Yes, I know I need to stop saying this about people but I'm really just thankful that there really are people who will make you laugh and smile in life, and especially when they know that you are feeling down. Or idk, even if they don't they are just there somehow.

And I guess it's really freaking important to remember that you are in this life for a purpose. Not that you have to know what this purpose is now but don't stop looking for it and yea, just be motivated to fight for this life. Stop wasting time sitting around and waiting for things to happen and things to come to you. Lately I can feel myself getting lazier in working towards finding a job or what not. I think I'm in the denial phase where I don't want to admit that I'm going to graduate soon and should start finding a job. But yes, that is the truth that I have to face and that is something I need to start working towards and planning.

So yes, besides studying, start looking. Look at what you are interested in, the industry that you want. You can't expect to just get a job easily when you graduate. That somehow there is a job waiting for you. Maybe there is one if you are not picky. But hello, would it be something that you really want? If you don't fight for what you want, how would you know whether you are capable of getting it? If you don't fight, you won't ever know. So even if you did fight, you did try, and you still didn't get it, you won't feel that bad because yea, you know you tried. I think that's really better than not trying.

Get your act together, Yi Fang. You need to stop being lazy and living in denial that you are going to lead this kind of lifestyle forever. You say that you are done with studying so moving on from studying would be what? Finding a job right? Even if you don't intend to find a job, you can't just sit around and bump. That's not what you are supposed to do in life. Bumping around just makes you a waste of space in this world. Yes of course you can bump from time to time but right now, you should really work hard and make the most out of your life. Wait until you are older to bump okay. Or when you go on holiday because yea, if you are abled and young and full of potential to be explored, maximise them. Get out. Be confident of yourself and what you know and can do. Know that yea, you are really here on earth to make a difference somehow. Prove it. Show it. Improve yourself by reading more and think more. Use your freaking brains more often and just stop being lazy.

I think to some extent, I'm very sick of myself for being lazy. Like this trait of mine is something that I really cannot stand though I know it's a part of who I am. But I really don't like it and I'm trying my best to change it though it works sometimes only. Like you see, back in Europe I was motivated to do stuffs. But somehow when I'm back in Singapore, all the motivations are gone. Okay, not completely gone but yea, something just happened. The laziness kicked in again. So yes, I'm not going to promise that I will stop being lazy. But I'm going to really try my best in doing something and stop complaining and stop being confused.

Because yea, sometimes lemons are on your side too. They know that you will do something with them so instead of coming to you, they will run away. So if you are focused and motivated enough, all these lemons will run away knowing that they don't have any effect on you. So yes, all these lemons aren't going to ruin your life. They are going to help you. 

fate

I think fate works in the funniest and strangest ways. It works when you least expected it to. And I don't know why but I guess everything really happens for a reason. Good or bad, happy or sad. Your fate with someone is really something that you can only control to a certain extend.

And when you find people who make you happy and make you a better person, keep them. I guess I'm just really thankful to have found many good people in my life who makes me truly happy. People who are sincere when they say that they enjoy your company and they truly want to be around you. I think sincerity is really a very important trait in friendships. You can be hell mean to each other but I don't know. Overall, you are sincere in the friendship and you truly care about the person and show it from time to time in your own ways. As long as both parties know that they care. You don't have to say it explicitly but you know it internally. I always find it very fascinating how yea, some friendships really work like that. HAHA as in I really like. Like you don't have to affirm it everyday but you know it's real.

Okay I have no idea what I'm blabbering about anymore but I guess I'm just very glad that I was actually wrong about some friendships? Cause I was looking back at my old posts and thinking back, I realise there really are some people in life who are truly worth the keeps. And it's really not just you trying to sustain the friendship. You know that they too truly care about the friendship and it just makes you feel happy. Cause yea, often times I'm the one who is taking the initiative and stuffs. Not that I'm complaining 'cause I truly want to keep the friendship and I know they do too but yea lar, sometimes you just need someone to be more proactive so I don't mind being the one as long as they don't find me annoying. But anyway, so yea, it's really nice when others take the initiative to meet up and all that. Nice to be jio-ed HAHAH but yea, I'm just glad that I wasn't wrong in my judgement of people and that some friendships are truly truly worth the keeps and no matter how tired I may be, I really still want to keep them because yea, I know they are worth it. It's really not often you find people who you can talk so easily to and be so comfortable with and who share the same values as you. So when you do find them, keep them. 

time to get moving

I come to realise that bumming around is really not for me. LOL as in okay, not that I don't enjoy bumming around, it's just weird. And I really feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting there and using my phone. I swear phone is like the worst distraction. You can really just sit there and use your phone for an hour and realise you didn't gain anything from it. Or sleeping. 12 hours of sleep a day is way too much. Though okay, I admit it does feel kinda nice to really just chill and relax for awhile after spending 6 months not exactly properly resting.

But I think it's really time for me to start getting a move on and do something? I think all these free time in my hands makes me think way too much. And question way too many things. Thinking is good. But I think overthinking is very bad and I think for the past few weeks ever since I was back, I have been overthinking quite a bit. Okay fine, I am only back for 2 weeks but yea. Somehow, a lot of things seem to be happening for the past two weeks and I don't know, it's just a lot to take for someone who was gone for 25 weeks. It's like I'm suddenly spammed with all these stuffs. And meeting different people every day. Not that I'm complaining, it's just like wow okay, this is real, I'm really back to Singapore, back to this lifestyle of meeting different people everyday.

I guess it's just kinda exhausting sometimes? To be around different people everyday. Though yes, I love all these people I meet. But it's a bit overwhelming when I spend most of the days by myself when I was in Groningen. And travelling doesn't count 'cause I travel with different people and you are seeing stuffs and doing stuffs when you are travelling and it's exciting. So I guess suddenly being back to the familiarity but with different people just feels very like woah. Yes, the familiarity is good and nice but I guess I'm not yet used to this lifestyle. And to be honest, I think some parts of me got very comfortable with being by myself that I forgot what's it like to be around people. It's a very strange feeling I swear. It's like I feel very out of place though I know that I'm very much there and these people here do acknowledge my presence and care about me and stuffs. Just strange I guess?

But yes, part of me know that I am also thinking too much because yes, I am more free so the mind just wanders. Which is very bad because sometimes I can feel myself not being present in the moment. Like my mind is wandering off somewhere. And I think that they can feel it too but it's like I don't know how to get myself grounded again. But I guess I will slowly find my way around this after a few more weeks. Just give me time and I will be fine.

Or rather, get me moving and stop bumming around and not doing anything. I think I really work way better when I'm given a lot of things to do at once. It makes me feel more fulfilled with life and know that you made the most of your day and not waste the day lying around and using your phone. Even tidying up photos is good. It's actually something I really need to do before school starts. Omg, two more weeks and I'm freaking not ready.

Though I said I'm ready to start school, I also forgot a lot about how school works here in SMU until I suddenly remembered how it is going to be like that day and I'm like nope, I'm not excited about it anymore. But okay, I guess I'm excited to really do stuffs. Which also just means I just really need to start sorting out my life and stop wasting time away doing nothing. I had already done nothing for the past 2 weeks so I guess it's high time I start doing stuffs. Also, busy suits me. I really need to do something if not I will feel weird. But yea, there really is plenty of stuffs to do. It's just that obviously I'm not doing them and just happily lying around until I realise that I'm actually not that happy lying around. LAME I think I really have issues with myself.

But yes, I am slowly understanding more about myself and the things I want in life and fight for what I want and I don't know, just be a better person and appreciate myself and the people around me. I am still truly blessed with a lot of very wonderful people in my life who had shaped the way I am today in many different ways.

Time to work hard and really make the most out of this life. 

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

This thing about memory is something that you have no control over. You can't just choose to forget something because you want to. There are some things that you try your best to forget but you just can't.

Just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I really regret not watching it earlier. It made me realise that yea, there are some things in life where no matter how hard you try to change it and alter it by simply "forgetting", somehow it will all just come back to you.

It's really interesting though because saying that you want to erase someone from your memory seems like the best way to forget the "pain and misery" that they have cost you. But the thing with erasing memory is that you forget everything about that person, including the good times. I remember wanting to erase people off my mind before but yes those were childish days HAHA but yea, now that I think about it, no. No matter what happened, each memory forms a part of our lives and shaped the way we think and the way we are at present. By simply erasing that one part of your memory, it just changes everything and you are not who you are anymore. It's just a very weird idea.

I remember discussing this with a friend on whether it's good to have it and lose it or not have it at all. Initially I said to not have it at all. But then I realise by not having it at all, it's good that you don't know what you are missing out on but there is this sense of emptiness? Because yea, you don't have it. So actually maybe having it before at least like you know what is it like to have it. And though you lose it, at least you have the memory of having it. And I believe that there are good memories to remember of it even if you lose it. Things that will make you look back and smile.

But I think the most important part of life is really just to live in the present. Sure, the past may look great, was great and seemed to be better than it is now but the thing about the past is that it won't come back. What happened in the past stays there. So the only thing we can do now is to treasure what you have now and make the best out of the future. You can't go back but you can go forward. And the future is something unexpected but yet exciting. It's scary but limitless.

I guess there is this thing with fate that you can't really control. Or rather, God's plan. Not to sound all religious and stuffs but I truly still do believe that God has a plan for everyone and it will all pan out. Right now, it all may seem a blur and confusing but I guess it's about trusting and having faith in God or whoever that you believe in that things will work out in the end.

Of course, you don't just sit there and wait for things to happen. God will only help those who help themselves. People who are actually doing something about their own lives. So I think I have no idea where I'm going with this post just that memories are important in shaping you but you shouldn't live in them. Live in the present and believing that everything will work out eventually. 

guess who's backkk

YAYYY FINALLY BACK FROM EXCHANGE but yes, I truly miss this place though. It's like I know I won't be going back there anytime in the near future. But definitely will go back again some day.

Suddenly have many feels but I will leave it to other posts 'cause I feel like I still have to settle many other stuffs first before settling this blog. Haven't been updating much because yes, travelling keeps you moving and very busy. That's why Instagram is kinda good 'cause you can just update bits of your travels more regularly.

But yea, I have been thinking of just updating here more regularly because blogging helps to clear my head actually. Or rather, typing and writing and reflecting are quite nice HAHA I guess it has really been quite awhile since I properly did a post here so it suddenly feels very refreshing.

In any case, this is really still a space for me to look back one day and laugh at how ridiculous I used to be. Or what my dear friends do. Tsk tsk. But okay lar, I really do still like blogging. It's therapy LOL

Anyway, right now being back in Singapore feels very weird and detached. Though I have been going out for the past week, it still feels a bit strange to be back? It's like the floating feeling. Like somehow though I'm back to my home ground, I still feel very floaty? Like I'm not truly back. Maybe because my room is still in a mess and my laptop too and my photos and wow, there are really many things to do and I better hell do them before school starts and not procrastinate again.

Also, need to work hard for my final year because someone never work hard enough the past 3 years. But okay, right now I am very motivated so I hope this feeling really stays. I guess after resting more and organising my stuffs together will help? I was telling someone how I think my life feels a bit messy because my room is messy. So everything just feels very messy. So yes, time to get some organising done.

And this exchange really made me learn quite a lot of things. Learned more about myself and what I want and many others. Which yea, I will sit down one day and properly type them out.

3 weeks before school starts so yess let's hope I really can settle all that I want before this final year. 

white supremacy

I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw this video about how there was an ISIS attack at Baghdad that killed about 200plus people. Yet, nobody changed their profile photo like they did for Paris, Brussels and Orlando. Nobody had hashtag #prayforbaghdad. Before this incident, there was also another attack at Istanbul airport. And the same thing too.

So yes, is it that the world only care if it happened in to the Westerners? Is it that if something happened in Western countries, it's more serious? Lives are lost. Who is to say that the value of the lives of certain people are more than others? They are all people.

That's when you realise how messed up the world is. I admit, there are times too when I tend to have a stereotype towards certain race. And when I realised what I was doing subconsciously, the feeling is quite terrible. How can you determine a person's character based purely on his or her skin colour, gender or what not? How is that fair to judge a person's behaviour based on something that he or she doesn't have a control over. They are born like that doesn't mean that belong to that stereotype. But I guess stereotype is something that we can't really control. It's just that we need to remember to look passed those stereotype and not jump to conclusions.

Idk why lately I'm posting these kind of stuffs hahahah but okay I guess, looking at all the news and being in Europe itself where this white supremacy thing is the most evident, I realise we are really living in a very scary world right now. And somehow, I just really hope that ultimately things will all get better? It's scary to think about what kind of world you will have to raise your children in in the future. I really hope that things will truly get better. That there is still some form of humanity in the world. #prayfortheworld #faithinhumanity

(Please pardon me for the incoherence in this post, my thoughts are really just all over the place right now)