funerals are for the living

The quote above has been in my head for the past few days.

I have many things I want to type out. But the words don't seem to be coming out. And I guess yea, there are so many things to do that I can't seem to mourn properly. The closure. After this week I guess. I need strength to last through this week before recess week 'cause there are too many things to do. I can't let myself succumb to tears and sadness and emotions in general.

But I do know that I love you and I'll miss you like crazy. But I know you are in a happier place now and I am glad that you are not suffering anymore. And don't worry, we will take care of Popo. Rest in peace, Gong gong. I know you will always look over all of us from now on.

white flag

You may probably be reading this. Even if you are or aren't, I don't really care. Even if you don't know if I'm talking about you, I don't really care. Because I don't want to bother about you and your life anymore. I'll let you live your own life because yea, you are freaking 20 years old already. And we have given you ten thousand advices that I guess have all gone to waste.

I'm not angry. Ok, probably right now, I am because it's still quite fresh. But it's more of the kind of anger where you honestly don't give a shit anymore. Thank you for wasting all those time talking to you about all these. I didn't think it was wasted time initially 'cause I thought that you will actually take those advices. But yep, I was wrong. And guess what? It wasn't the first time that I was wrong. This whole situation looks too damn familiar. Yet again. You can say that it's different. I will try to believe you. But don't blame me for being skeptical.

Oh yes, and the best part is I hear no news from you. Either you are scared of telling us or that you also don't bother about what we are going to say anymore. Or sick of hearing what we are going to say. Or that we will judge you or what not. If you dare say that the reason you didn't tell us was because we are so busy, then well, I don't even know what to say. Because yes, we are busy, but we will make time for people we care about. We aren't busy until we don't even have time for anything else.

Aiya, actually, you know what, I'm really raising the white flag. I don't know what you are thinking, but I hope that somehow you are actually doing something right. And I still hope that I may be wrong about all this because yes, I still want the best for you even though you disgust me so much recently because once you are my friend, it's hard to just throw you away.

But you know, I really have no energy to care anymore. Just think about what you have done and freaking hell consider other people's feelings. Not mine. Not any of your friends. But the people who you hurt the most. Think about what the hell they are feeling right now. And don't freaking blame them for feeling this way. And don't self-pity. Because that will just make you more disgusting.

rainy and cold and alone in the house make you feel negative somehow

I just want to curl up in my bed and not do anything. This weird nagging feeling, this bloody unsettling feeling inside, it's so freaking annoying. I can't shake it off and focus and it's honestly making me very annoyed with myself. I can't even pinpoint what exactly is bugging me because it feels like it's the accumulation of too damn lot of things.

I'm trying my best to think happy thoughts but it's kinda hard when there is just too much. Too damn freaking lot of things to do. It's very very annoying. I guess the most annoying part is how there are so many things to do but here I am still not exactly doing them. Or taking them long.

And freak, I miss people. It's just how some people you need to see from time to time to make you feel better somehow. Jialat sia. How to go exchange like that? And I guess it sucks 'cause you want to talk to them more often but then also, you don't have the time 'cause yes. And I guess I miss more of hanging out with them to not do anything. Like I mean I do see people I like who are in the same sch with me but we will always be doing work and sch related stuffs 'cause yes, right now, life's really like this. So yes, I miss hanging out with them for hanging out.

And my family also. My dad and my sis are both overseas now so it's just me and my mum and she's staying over at my grandma's to accompany my grandparents. I want to accompany my mum to many places 'cause it's just the two of us here in sg but freak, these few weeks just so happen to be the most time-crunching weeks. Sucks ah. It really sucks.

I need to find some sort of genuine inner peace. And I don't know, start doing freaking work. Time to work a lot more harder. Freak lar Yi Fang. Stop ruining your own life. It's damn stupid. 

But in other better news, Mayday's concert was really good. HAHA! And their songs are stuck in my head. The best part is one of the songs that is stuck in my head wasn't even a song they sang during the concert. LOL But they are really amazing I swear. My favourite Chinese group. 'cause their songs are really damn solid.

Anyway, yes, back to work I need to calm down and freaking hell focus already. No time to lose. And also, other people depend on me doing work so I really need to up my game.

nights are weird

I think I forget the feeling of people coming to find me and help me instead of me being the one finding instead. As sad as it sounds. Somehow, I realise I'm really usually the one who volunteers to do stuffs. To go there, take this, take that, do this, do that. I mean, yea, there are still people who will be more than willing to go places for me and do stuffs for me. They aren't non-existence. Just that yea, I realise I'm usually the one taking more initiative. And I guess it's making me slightly tired. I'm not saying that I'm the most initiative person. But sometimes, or many times actually, after saying yes to doing something, I will find myself asking, "Why Yi Fang? Why did you just say Yes to this when it doesn't make sense for you to say Yes." But you see, I promised already so it's very bad to say no after saying yes.

But actually, I think I'm slowly starting to say no more often. Or rather, not giving a definite answer. Which I think isn't good too. I don't know if it's habit or what. But I feel bad after not giving a definite answer or giving a reluctant yes to some request of some sort. It's crazy I know. Like Yi Fang wth, you don't have to say yes to every single freaking thing. You don't have to take initiative for everything. Saying no won't kill you. You shouldn't feel bad about it 'cause you can't help with every single freaking thing. Like wth, why are you feeling bad for? It doesn't make any sense.

I think I really need to learn to stop feeling bad for stuffs that make no sense. Or maybe I just kinda hope that somewhere somehow, someone will say Yes to everything I want to do or what not. Someone who will go all out for me. Just because.

Nights really make you think all sorts. Or maybe I'm just tired. And have ten thousand things to do but one, I don't know how to do them, two, I don't feel like doing them, three, I've got no time to do them but they still need to be submitted, four, I'm just plain lazy, or five, I'm tired. No idea how I got so tired. Ok, kinda know why but still. It's the kind where I just want to stay at home and just stay at home. Because home is still the best place on earth.

it's not gone yet

Lights in Phnom Penh.

Whenever I look at the photos from the Cambodia trip, my heart always ache. For the children in the photos. And sigh, I really want to go back. Why is money always a factor in life? And time. And many other things.

I know there is a limit to how much I can do. But I really hope to be able to see these children again. And hopefully, they will remember me too. Haha! But yea, to see their smiles again. And hear them share about what they like and aspire to be. We were all young once. You know how it feels like to be a child who full of hopes and dreams. And to see it in their eyes, it just lets you have faith that yes, humans are still great. That everyone is born with big dreams and goals and the innocence in them. Despite them having been through quite a lot of trials at such a young age, they are still able to smile brightly at us. It's something that I probably won't ever forget.

And yes, I really hope that it will be possible for me to visit them again. Someday. It will be great if they are able to come here. And then we can show them around. But yep, that might take awhile before it happens. There is so much for them to grow and develop and gah, I just really wish they will have a good education experience at the school despite not having a good one in their public school. But okay, I guess more about this next time. I shouldn't be blogging now but the feels came creeping in 'cause I had to choose some photos to be burn into a CD for the school.

Also, shout out to the dark knight for doing damage control to a crazy emotional wreck. Haha! Okay lar, more of a ranting session that gave way to great and wonderful enlightenment about life and what not. We will get through this!! "Take charge of your own life" No thank you for the reminder. =)

sun with moon

HAHAHA Since I wasted time doing this collage, and since I think posting on Insta is a bit lame and weird, might as well post it here. At least must show my hard work in doing this collage. Yes, I have no idea why I actually spent time doing it. I think I was bored with doing legit work and just decided to dedicate my time to these annoying two idiots.

4 years liao~ I forgot that it was already 4 years. Lol! Sometimes, you really just forget that they have been together for 4 years already. But yes, these two have taught me how to be thick-skin and shine brightly as a light bulb. HAHA! Crashed their dates countless of times but they still embrace me with wide arms. Well, sometimes ah. HAHA! There are times when Swe wants me to go away. HAHA! But yes, they will usually still adopt me if I need friends. They are probably the only couple I don't feel weird around 'cause I've been their light bulb since before they got together. Trained already. Honourary third wheel. HAHA!

Actually, the two of them will probably not see this. HAHA! But it's okay lar. I just still want to post this 'cause I already made that stupid collage. Itchy fingers ah. And I realise I have a lot of photos of them in my phone somehow. LOL! Honourary photographer. Their personal photographer. I still think I take the nicest photos of them. Like most of their non-selfie nice couple shots are usually the ones I take. Heh. Proud of it. OHYA I still haven't do a photo shoot with them. HAHA! I have been saying that since erm, very very long ago. But ok, quite sure they aren't free also. So it's cool. HAHA! Wait until they free ah! Then I will do a nice one so that their 5th anniversary got nice photos. Heh.

But yep!!! They aren't the sweetest and chessiest couple I know but they are pretty unique in their own ways and there are times when I will just look at them and think how thank God that have each other 'cause they are both so weird individually. HAHA Okok, bad karma points but really ah. They are very funny people. Haha! Maybe that's why they are together. Heh.

Wait for me to find a boyfriend then we double-date ok! HAHA That's the dream. Sort of ah. Haha! I think it will be quite cool though. But wow, I realise we are all 20 years old already. Haha! Super fast I realise. 4 years ago, we were just doing O levels. LOL! Scary.

But anyway, this is a very strange post but still wish these two a happy anniversary~ They are honestly two really awesome pple. And I guess the reason why they are a pretty special couple to me is 'cause they are both my close friends and one is that friend I'm stuck with for life. They are still one of my favourites so I'm still rooting for you guys all the way~ Through many ups and downs but I have faith that you guys will conquer them.

Latch (Acoustic) - Sam Smith

[ I’m so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch
Feel so enamoured, hold me tight within your clutch
How do you do it? You got me losing every breath
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?

I feel we're close enough
Could I lock in your love?
I feel we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love?

Now I’ve got you in my space
I won’t let go of you
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you ]

Latch (Acoustic) - Sam Smith

This song. Go hear. It gave me goosebumps when I first heard it and wow. Acoustic versions are wow. And Sam Smith's voice. It's like woah. But ok. This is my favourite of his songs. Like it just gives you the creep. And yes, it got stuck in my head for awhile.

I think I'm getting the hang of school. HAHA! Okay ah, week 4 already. It just really feels like school started for a very long time already and freak, it's going to be week 7 soon. I swear, university life is like a freaking bullet train. I'm now on to my 300m in my 800m race (yea, I dunno why I use this as my measurement for uni but let's continue) and yea, it's the time where you start to get out of breath and feel like walking. But you can't. Because you know that once you start walking, you will continue on so you just have to force yourself and push yourself on.

It's so scary how fast time is going by because I realise some of the guys are going into uni next year already. So freaking fast. And also, that means another few many rounds of going to the airport and sending people off. =( And the girls are going for exchange in Year 3 also. So yes, another few rounds of that. And yep, everyone is going to be everywhere. All over the world. It's pretty exciting though.

I am honestly pretty excited for exchange. If I get it. I am really going to strive towards it. And really save like mad. I still owe money from all over. =\ Okay, actually just to my parents. But you see, the thing about owing money to your parents is that there isn't exactly a deadline to your payment. And honestly, the money I earn in the future, some of it will be for them too. It will be their money so yes, HAHA! But ok, I still want to spend my own money for my own travelling so I will save. I think I have been not bad. For Australia and Cambodia, I paid for everything myself so yep. That's not too bad. Haha!

But damn. I really want to go overseas in December but I know I should save up more. And just wait until Summer break. =\ Or maybe can take short trips to Bintan or what. Haha! All these plans shall wait until erm, after finals. I really need to focus on doing well this sem. I think I'm getting there. Need to be more efficient though. And stop being freaking lazy. Laziness kills. So I'm really going to make it a point to wake up earlier everyday 'cause you realise you suddenly have so much more time when you have the whole morning. And it feels freaking good. Strange enough, I still think I'm a pretty morning person though I don't always wake up early. Haha! Oh well.

And I also realise that I haven't post about a lot of stuffs yet too. As in maybe not post but like reflection all. Especially about my Cambodia trip. But yea, these things stays in your heart forever. Some stuffs you just won't ever forget. And yep, I will try to do it in December. HAHA! And yea lar, many other stuffs. I look at my blog posts drafts and I will feel the urge to continue where I left off but I know it will take probably a whole day to complete them. Typing these nonsense is a lot easier.

Anyway, yes, go listen to Latch. It's a really nice song.

people who are not normal but mad important

Hi, these are some of my really weird friends since many years back. We know each other for like 10/12/14 years. And somehow, we can't get tired of meeting each other. And somehow, for me, I kinda want to meet them more after meeting them. HAHA! 'Cause yes, they are honestly my happy pills who can make me go mad but also really happy.

They are nowhere near normal 'cause they are freaking hell special. And yes, mad important in my life because I don't even know why. Haha! They really are honestly like my family I realise. Just that I don't see them as often as I see my own family. (Duh) But yea, they are honestly my sisters and brothers. That's why we never show affections to each other when we do meet up. But we know we love each other a lot. And how we always scold and scream and shout at each other almost every single time we met up. And how we all cannot stop talking and like bloody hell all talk at the same freaking time which makes us a very very noisy group of humans.

But we are cool like that. In our own special ways that only we think we are cool. Haha! And freaking hell laugh for no reason at all. And it spreads somehow. And I really thank God for blessing me with these bunch of people. Some of them aren't in the photos but yes, they are in my heart. Haha! But honestly, I really feel blessed to know that these people will really always be around somehow. And the stuffs we do when we are together, they are all really weird. Like no joke. And yes, we are really damn bloody noisy when we are together. No idea where the noise came from. From every single one of us actually I think. But yea, I really just like how we honestly forget that we are in public and just make damn freaking lot of noise and say whatever nonsense. And yes, we are freaking hell full of nonsense. They lar. I think I'm not that bad. I really think I'm the older sister here with all these small kiddos. The driver. HAHAHAHAH. Ok I need to stop with this driving thing.

BUT they are really very cute human beings though they annoy the hell out of me very very often on many days. They annoy me like mad but I know that they will always have my back. And how we will always look out for each other and stand up for each other. We are very dysfunctional but I guess that's why we are friends. For so many freaking years. It's cool that primary school friends keep in touch but it's honestly kinda cooler when they are one of your closest group of friends. It's really very rare and I think we are really weird for being like that but it's cool. We cool.

And yes ah, we are the Bad Friends Club. LOL No idea how this all came about. Okay actually I know how but that's besides the point. Craziest club to be in though. We are so mean I really don't even know how we survive each other.

And I think this post is pretty much very chessy and thoughts all over the place. I guess I just really want to say that I'm crazy grateful to have these bunch of people in my life.

And yes, to my really very dear friend. Take care in UK alright!! I'm really super excited for her and her next 3 years in UK! I really hope that she will have a really awesome time there and grow and learn a lot. And she really deserves this so so much and yes, I'm really really thankful to have known her since when we were 9 years old. Really can't believe how time just files by so so quickly. But yes, I guess what's really incredible is how some things just won't ever change no matter what.

I know, I admit, that I post about these bunch quite very often but they are really very dear to me and yea, they honestly contributed part of who I am today in some ways. They made me angsty. HAHA! That day, they were like "Oh now I know why Yi Fang is like that. We made her like that. She used to be the nice photographer all." And okay, I forgot what they said exactly but yes, they realised they were the ones who drove me crazy. Tsk tsk. But no lar. HAHA

In all seriousness, they really have made me more talkative and less shy. Yes, a lot less shy. Like freaking shameless with them one. But yea, I think I really became a lot less shy in general. I don't know if it's time or life or many other factors but I think they do have some contribution. You see, with them, you need to fight to get attention 'cause they are all very loud. HAHA! But yea, I really am thankful to have these people who behave like 5 years old but are actually very mature and thoughtful deep down inside. And best part is that we are still growing as individuals and yea, I realise that 'cause we sort of grew up together, our values are pretty similar and that's kinda awesome. It's like we rub off good values to each other.

Okay, I think I can go on forever with this so let's stop here. Haha! I'm just really glad and happy. =)

I have many things I want to say, many songs in my head. But somehow, I don't really know where to begin with this post. I guess life is taking a toll. Year 2 is very hard. No kidding.

But okay, I have really incredible and awesome people in my life to make everything better. Honestly, I cannot be more thankful to have them in my life. No idea how they do it but they just make me feel better after talking to them and hanging out with them. The energy when I'm with them. Or maybe because I really like them. HAHA! My favourite people.

I guess, even though it's just the 3rd week of school, it feels like school started for many weeks. And I already am lagging behind. How do you lag behind with just 3 weeks of school? I've got no idea also. Somehow there is really a lot of things to do and I admit I haven't exactly been the most hardworking but still.

Overwhelming. But it's okay. I will pull through this. I have to though. Haha! Not like I even have a choice. But really. I don't know how I'm going to up my GPA this sem like mad but I have to though. Desperately. I really hope that somehow, there isn't those very very pro people in my mod so that I won't be the one tanking the damn bell curve. Which I still might but I'm praying really hard.

And yes, I need to work doubly hard. And clarify when having doubts. And I don't know, really freaking put in my effort in the things you need to do. Like freak, prioritse life well.

Okok, time to rest and wake up early to start the day right. And stop freaking coughing. It's damn bloody annoying. It's like I'm coughing every few minutes. I honestly rather have flu than sore throat. You can't eat properly when you have sore throat. At least flu you are just gross with all the mucus and all. Okay, let's stop here.