nights are weird

I think I forget the feeling of people coming to find me and help me instead of me being the one finding instead. As sad as it sounds. Somehow, I realise I'm really usually the one who volunteers to do stuffs. To go there, take this, take that, do this, do that. I mean, yea, there are still people who will be more than willing to go places for me and do stuffs for me. They aren't non-existence. Just that yea, I realise I'm usually the one taking more initiative. And I guess it's making me slightly tired. I'm not saying that I'm the most initiative person. But sometimes, or many times actually, after saying yes to doing something, I will find myself asking, "Why Yi Fang? Why did you just say Yes to this when it doesn't make sense for you to say Yes." But you see, I promised already so it's very bad to say no after saying yes.

But actually, I think I'm slowly starting to say no more often. Or rather, not giving a definite answer. Which I think isn't good too. I don't know if it's habit or what. But I feel bad after not giving a definite answer or giving a reluctant yes to some request of some sort. It's crazy I know. Like Yi Fang wth, you don't have to say yes to every single freaking thing. You don't have to take initiative for everything. Saying no won't kill you. You shouldn't feel bad about it 'cause you can't help with every single freaking thing. Like wth, why are you feeling bad for? It doesn't make any sense.

I think I really need to learn to stop feeling bad for stuffs that make no sense. Or maybe I just kinda hope that somewhere somehow, someone will say Yes to everything I want to do or what not. Someone who will go all out for me. Just because.

Nights really make you think all sorts. Or maybe I'm just tired. And have ten thousand things to do but one, I don't know how to do them, two, I don't feel like doing them, three, I've got no time to do them but they still need to be submitted, four, I'm just plain lazy, or five, I'm tired. No idea how I got so tired. Ok, kinda know why but still. It's the kind where I just want to stay at home and just stay at home. Because home is still the best place on earth.