hello 2024, hello my 30s

It has been so so long since I type here and I read through some of my posts and damn I'm actually really quite wise HAHAHA I guess some days I really forget that I have it in me to actually be so reflective and pensive when life gets so busy and sometimes feel out of control and overwhelming. But I also read some drafted posts and realise I'm a drama mama HAHAHA so much emotions girl you crazy. 

But okay I think this place has truly always been my safe space to just type down my thoughts and reflect and I think I gotta make time to do this more often. Even if it's not on blog, just somewhere. It's really so important to reflect and see how far you have come and be proud of who you are now. 

So okay gonna keep it short 'cause I actually really just wanna sleep already but yes, I'll be back, or maybe not but still thankyou for being this space where I can look back and see how far I have grown as a person so still appreciate this blog a lot. 

Okay bye for now. 

why would you believe in something awful when you can believe in something wonderful?!

[ Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. ]

Belinda from "Fleabag" 

Just watched Fleabag for the 2nd time and wow, this show is honestly such a lovely surprise of a great show. I mean, I know they won a lot of awards for both seasons but never got down to watch it until when my sister got free subscription to Amazon Prime HAHA But it's truly a show that just surprises you and make you have major withdrawal symptoms (which is why I rewatched it again hahaha). At first the genre is a bit too much but it truly gets better and especially in Season 2. It helps that there are only 12 eposides in total so it's so easy to binge. And I think it's also theses two quotes from Season 2 that are just so gut wrenching. The one about women and pain and it's so damn true I love it. 

Anyway, this is really a super random post hahaha it has been so so long since I posted here and it feels both strange and comforting. Just wanted to document my love for this show in a longer prose somewhere LOL 

Gentle reminder to also never lose faith and give up hahaha if you want something, work towards it and fight for it. Of course, good to be at peace that if you don't get it in the end, you are fine. But stop giving yourself excuses time and again and know that your heart wants it so just go for it.

[ Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there! So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own. I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot, it "feeling right". "When it feels right it's easy." But I'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right. And love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love it feels like hope. ]

The Priest from "Fleabag"

you're the light in the dark

[ Like water in the desert 
Impossible to find 
But you found me when I was broken 
Put me back together, gave me life 
Like a flower in the concrete 
So beautiful and rare 
You gave me hope when I was empty 
Walked me through the fire, you were there ]

you! - LANY

hellooo as always, I ended up not reflecting properly before the year ends in 2020 hahaha but okay okay, I do really wanna do it properly but not now 'cause I am really tired so this will be a pre-reflection again HAHA 

I was just thinking that I can actually see the progression in myself over the last 3 years since I graduated in 2017:

2017 was the year that I was fresh out of school with many dreams and hopes and excitement for the future and work. And I also actually posted more then because I was free after graduation and before looking for jobs HAHA family and friends wise, I am certainly very thankful for wonderful family as always and the friendships that I forge over the years. I feel that once these friends continue to be your friends even after work started and we all still make the effort to meet, it's really kinda locked in for life. At least for me. So just very very thankful to have found people who reciprocated the love hehe 

2018 was the first year of work where I truly struggled a lot but also learned so so much about myself and how work is truly like. And I am certainly very thankful to have had the experience I had in my first job because on hindsight, it really pushed me and I am who I am now at work because of that first experience as well. And I did truly enjoy the work that I do and the colleagues are definitely ones for the keeps. Learning to also appreciate your family more and just be a better daughter, sister and granddaughter. I think 2018 was a year where I realise how mental health is so so important. Last time you kinda just dismiss it but wow, it really changed me quite a lot that everyone around me can tell that I am really not happy at my work and it affected my personal life too. And that's just bad. So yes, you should never neglect your own mental health no matter. But yes, I'm so glad I came out of it and really became stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

2019 was actually one really strange year that I also honestly didn't reflect properly. I guess it was a year for me to take a mental break after 2018 and just take life slowly. With that said, I admit that I am one who doesn't like things to be too slow. And I hate it when I go into a slump and just feel very meh. Which yea ah, it was the running topic for 2019, which I guess made me stop posting because I just felt like I kept saying the same things and not doing them and I was just going around in circle. Then again, okay I only posted twice in 2019 HAHA but yea, I remember feeling really uncomfortable and just feel like I am not being myself or at my fullest potential. That I can do more but I am just not doing it. But okay, I guess it's really a well needed break for me to take a step back after 2018 so there are reasons for why everything happened. 

So 2020 had been a year where I learn to accept myself as I am and grow to learn that I am a human being with flaws and that is perfectly normal and okay. What's more important is to admit that you are flawed and to continue grow and learn and remind yourself that there is nothing definite about this life. What you thought you know for your whole life can very easily be wrong. It makes you feel uncomfortable when you realise that but that is precisely the feeling that you need to feel in order to grow properly. I think for the longest of time, I had always think that we should only think positive things and be happy always. But I come to realise that you need all emotions in order to be a fully functioning human. You cannot be happy forever and you shouldn't. I think when I was watching Inside Out for the first time, I thought it was a great show but didn't exact think more about the reflection of that in my own life. I think it was only until 2020 that I fully learn to accept this. Okay maybe 2018/2019 I already kinda realise it more? Like it's okay to be sad, angry, lazy, and all the negative emotions. You need these emotions as a signalling to tell you that hey, there is something that is not going right here that you should probably do something to change it. I think reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in 2020 really helps to put this into perspective. The contents in the book are things you already know but it's always a good reminder. 

And of course, 2020 had been a year like no other with the entire earth being shaken by COVID-19. It's really one for the history textbook as there is really nothing like this ever I think. We are living through history and it definitely felt very very surreal. Of course, me typing this now feels a bit weird because it had sort of became the norm since it started happening in March 2020. But I think it is definitely still very very weird experience where you are at home for most of the time and you feel that your time had stood still but you are actually growing and learning more than ever. 

Which, okay, I kinda regret not keeping up with writing down my thoughts more often in 2020 but I guess you will remember the learnings and reflections that are important to you right? 2020 had been truly the strangest year but the year that I felt like I grew and develop so much in terms of personal thoughts and etc. I told my friends I felt like I had some system upgrade for my brain hahaha. Yes, I am saying this as if I am a robot but idk how else to best describe. Okay, mind update LOL but yea ah its really suddenly realising how there are so many things that you are wrong about this life and accepting that it is okay to be wrong and just have to remind yourself regularly that what you think is never definite.  

It's kinda like the bubble of how easy and rosy life is kinda just shattered. And that is okay. Or rather, I found it so so important that it shattered because let's face it, I am not getting younger and I think it's even more important for me to understand what this life is and not remain sheltered by my parents and sister. I gotta start figuring out properly what I want to do from here on for my life and start planning accordingly. Of course, also remember to accept yourself as you are and let yourself rest when you want to and feel slump-ish when it happens. You are only human k, so give yourself a damn break. 

So okay, as usual, ended up kinda ramble more than I intended. I can never be succinct. That's why this blog is really just a dump of my thoughts. Thinking out loud but in typing form. So okay lar, I'll try to properly reflect by themes soon for 2020 and maybe 2019 if I can too. And of course what's the way forward for 2021. 

And above all else, I am thankful that I got to understand more about God and Christianity. There is more to learn and I'll try to elaborate more in next post but truly it's God's time and just so thankful to know that He is always watching over me and guiding me through life. That I am really not in this journey alone.

Special shoutout to people who actually is still reading this LOL you really don't have to also k but I truly appreciate you for being curious about my thoughts HAHA thanks for always having my back

Leaving this quote from a pouch that my dear friend gave for Christmas:

"She believed she could so she did"

hindsight is 20/20

hellooo it has been so so long since I type here that it honestly feel a bit weird but also very comforting and familiar feeling at the same time as I start typing more. 2020 has been one heck of a year and I feel like if I don't post at all and have some reflection at the end of the year, it is not doing the year a justice. 

This year has been all sorts of strange but personally, it has truly been a year that I think I've grown the most in terms of the way I view the world and everything around me. I mean, I believe I had grown over the years, especially so when I read back at my old blog posts or insta posts and cringe so bad. But those growth are usually gradual and unrealised? It's just suddenly one day, you slowly just became different. But I think for this year, the growth had been accelerated and especially so when I had more time with myself to reflect and think. Though one thing I regret is not documenting my thoughts more frequently and better. It's really kinda just all over the place, as usual. But I mean okay, at least I did share them with people around me on some things so I guess that helps a bit? You somehow remember things better when you say it out. 

ANYWAY, so okay, I think I will do another post to properly reflect cause I'm technically supposed to sleep now. But I guess one important takeaway from this year is that I should always be constantly learning and growing and changing my mindset to be a better person in this world. I mean, humans are never perfect and we are almost always learning new things and making mistakes here and there. But change is always the only constant in this life right? To be comfortable with things changing constantly and learning to let go. To be honest, the learning to let go back is still something that I'm trying hard to but it really takes time. I think there are indeed some parts of me that has been like that since forever but yknow, at least acknowledging it and actively trying to change it is a step forward. 

And overthinking also. Like wow, if you yourself is already thinking of so many things at one go, what makes you think that your this one small thing is what's bugging other people. It is most likely not significant and it just got amplified in your head because well, you think better things to worry and think about. 

Anyway, I think I might have digressed again. But I guess really just gotta have faith in yourself and trust the process. Trust that whatever decisions that you are making now, they are all part of God's plans for you. You may not understand now, you may never understand ever in your life, but you know that He is the truth and that He will never want the worse for you. This is all part of the process to whatever He has in stall for you. You just gotta be patient and remember that yea, He is here always. 

But yes, this has been yet another incoherent post but I promise to come back and do a better reflection 'cause I think I really need to just consolidate all my thoughts properly. Thankyou my random stalkers who are causally come in to read for fun. And reading this rubbish LOL but okay okay, stay tune for next post. 

hello

It has been so long that I think I kind of forget that I have this as well hahaha

But I guess it's always nice to come back once in awhile and read back the thoughts that I used to have. And realise that to be honest, nothing much as changed, in both good and bad ways. I'll probably try to reflect proper about 2019 more. 

For now, it's a strong reminder to myself here that I am in control of my own life and my own story. Of course, God has His plans for me but definitely if you feel that there is something not right, please do something and stop being passive. You don't like people being passive but why are you being passive about your own life?

I think that's my main problem? I gotta start figuring myself out before I figure other people out. You can't fully know other people if you don't even know yourself and the things you want and the things you feel for. So yes Yi Fang, here is a reminder that it is okay to be in a slump, it is okay to feel like shit. But you should always remember that things will get better but you gotta get yourself out of it and do something about it as well. And it is also okay if you don't want to do something about it right now. I guess most importantly is to do things and feel things that you want to. Stop being so hard on yourself and feel that you need to do things and etc. 

I think I should a bit contradicting in the previous paragraph but I guess what I'm trying to say is just cut yourself some slack and learn to enjoy the simple things. Don't be so uptight and serious about everything and just let things be. Learn to let go and enjoy whatever you have. Life really really isn't that hard if you let yourself go once in awhile. You don't need to be in control of every thing. Learn to trust and have faith. 

insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

[ Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?  

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure ]

Under Pressure - Queen, David Bowie

Honestly, 2019 so far hasn't been that bad. Just that I think 2018 have been a serious year of learning more about myself and people and what I actually want in life that I guess I haven't properly digest and reflect yet?

Sigh, procrastination is really my worst enemy. But I guess the most important reminder that I gotta tell myself is to really learn to freaking let go and not control so much. And always remember that it is really really okay not to know how things pan out and work out ultimately. That is the beauty of life, isn't it? When things that you least expected happen, it makes you really happy and excited. Or it can also make you feel sad and angry. But regardless, they are all emotions that we as humans need to feel. I think I need to stop being so fixated on the good things and let the bad things in as well. Embrace them as much as they aren't as fun to embrace because these bad moments are important to shape how you are and how you think as well.

And stop being such an emotional wreck. For the most part, I really thought I'm not an emotional wreck hahaha. But lately I realise I really do freaking hell feel way too much for my own sanity's sake. I guess learning to really dissociate yourself from some things and to not take everything to heart. People can say and think whatever they want, and you have no control over it. But it really doesn't matter what they say or think because you owe life and your actions only to yourself. As long as you are answerable to yourself, people can say all they want. But I mean of course, do always remember to take feedbacks and advice from people close as well because they know you well and they meant the best for you. So if they say that you are doing something wrong, please stop being so stubborn and learn to acknowledge them and work on becoming better.

I think really just gotta remember that you are really okay. No matter how hard you think life may be hitting you with, you really got this to most extend. You are alive and well. You have great supportive family and friends. Sure, there are days when it kinda sucks and everything seems bleak, but you really cannot have sunshine and rainbows every day because that's not how life works.

You really just needa learn to be stronger and let things go. Take a freaking chill pill because the thing about life is that it is so unpredictable that you really just gotta live each day good and well and just do your very best everyday. Make the most out of each day and when things fall apart, just pick things up and continue again. Learn from your mistakes and get better.

Honestly, I feel that there is a lot of things that I have to work on. But that in itself shouldn't give me stress and really just gotta remind myself to stop being so damn hard on myself. You don't always have to be a better person. You are only human after all so just please cut yourself some slack. If you really want to take care of others, you really gotta learn to take care of yourself properly first.

Here's to 2019; a year where you take your learnings into action and stop being lazy and procrastinating life. Start living this life properly with your eyes open.

2018; what a year

Hahahaha finally remembered this place.

Past few months had been pretty crazy? Crazy is an understatement. Life just went full-fledged bonkers.

I had to read back my chats with people to remember why it was crazy HAHA I mean, it's a good thing that I don't remember exactly why it was so crazy so that's good. But it's pretty amazing how reading back all those conversations, I still feel them. I mean okay, those were my words so definitely I will feel them.

ANYWAY, so I guess for the most part of my life, I think work has been the one that really gave the most stress hahaha it's like a whole new level of stress. Or idk, it's just really very different from school and etc. And I think for the past year, I really tried my best to adjust to this. Definitely think I did my best but I guess sometimes, the environment and people really matter a lot as well.

And me being me, I am usually not the type of person who gives up easily or rather, I don't think I give up easily and will do my best for most things. As long as I see value in them and it makes sense for me to do it. So work kinda made all these a lot harder for me to achieve. And being the controlling me, having all these things out of control was kinda scary. Or rather, it was very very unfamiliar. And experiencing new emotions and etc. For the most part, when I think back about all these moments, I take them as really good learning experiences. Because yes, I admit that most of my life, I have been pretty sheltered. Or rather, there are of course bad and sad moments but generally, idk it wasn't as intense as the ones that I went through for the past few months. Maybe because they already went by so long ago so I don't feel them as much.

In any case, I guess whatever you go through in life, the good times and the bad times, they are all learning lessons and important moments to shape who you are now and how you think. How you are as a person is defined by these moments as well. So yes, I do know that God has His reasons for letting me go through all these experiences so I am thankful.

And what's most important is that He will always, always help you to find your way back. He always always has your back and look out for you. And I know that I am really blessed by God. So yes, summing up 2018, there is actually a lot more things to say HAHA maybe I'll type another post after this if I can.

But anyway, most importantly is really the people around me who are with me on this crazy ass journey. There are so many people who really have my back and are really there to support me whenever and where ever. Angels from heaven heh. But yes, they are really the people who kept me from hanging on and making me laugh and smile amidst everything. People who remind me that I got this.

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What I really have to remind myself is to treasure the present and what I have now and really live life as it is. And learn to let go of everything and not worry so much. All is well.  

strength

[ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood ] 

In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

This song really resonates with me very well recently. Actually maybe not recently, but ever since I guess for the past few months? Hahaha I mean okay, let's be honest, I feel that ever since I started working, I have been insanely hard on myself for God knows what reasons. I think I have very strange high expectations for myself but hey, sometimes you really just have to admit that there are some things that are truly beyond you and it is really not your job to fix every single thing. You try your best but you know, sometimes there are some things that no matter how hard you try, things won't work out. Yes, you feel helpless, you feel like crap because you see some things that need to be fixed but you can't seem to fix it. That feeling sucks. But you really just gotta learn to let things go and just do your best in ways that you CAN help.

And work hard for those. Read up more, learn more. Learn from people who you know you can look upon to learn from. Ask for help, seek help. Don't feel that you know, I guess just don't carry the weight on your freaking shoulders. Freak, you are only what, less than 1 year of working experience?? Who do you think you are, trying to change the world? If the world can be changed to quickly, life won't be as it is now.

Changes take time and sometimes you really just got to be a bit more patient. And just do what you think you can do. Things that are beyond you, learn to listen to people and let things go. Even those people who are affected understand that it is beyond you. So why can't you give yourself a freaking break? I think that's what happens when you care too much. And you feel that there are some things you really don't agree with but have to follow through because you aren't the one calling the shots.

But I guess with all these come very strong learnings. This job thing may have taken a toll on me but yes, I'm not giving up and I'm going to push forward and really find the strength and purpose in this. And remember why I started this out in the first. Why HR, why this company, why am I still here working hard, what is it that I want to achieve for the next few months.

It really won't get easier; it's just gonna be harder. But yknow, with the right attitude and mindset, coupled with incredible support systems in the form of family, friends and colleagues, I am sure I will have the strength to continue this and really overcome all this. There may be some bumps and bruises along the way but what's life without them right?

There is a reason why God puts you through this. You may not see it yet, but that's where you gotta have faith and trust in Him. Back in 2013, after I got back my A levels results, I was lost as to why things were this way. But things did work out. Fast forward to 2017, I graduated from SMU, found my love for HR and those 4 years in SMU were certainly some of the best years of my life where I can see how much I have grown and found back the person that I have kinda lost back in JC. So God really really has a plan for you. So you really have to push hard and believe that He has His reasons for making you go through all these and to make you stronger and better.

Life is a wonderful adventure; fight hard.

(Also posting this on 4 Oct 1AM hahaha. September had been truly insane that I really didn't have time for this but wow, this has really been a good uplifter. Thank you, Blogger.)

game plan for life

Okay, once again I'm typing this on 2nd Sept but the contents I thought about it in August. Just that really no time to properly type down heh

ANYWAY, yes, 8 months of 2018 and it has definitely been hell of a crazy ride so far. But as I was walking home that day from work, it suddenly dawned on me (albeit quite belated thought) that I have been making game plans for work, for travels, for so many other things but I do not have a game plan for life. And heck, that is actually the most important game plan of all?!!?

So yes, I think I really need to find some time and start making that game plan. It doesn't have to be perfect; just need to have something at least. I think as much as we should take life as it is and don't make too many plans, there still needs to be some kind of direction to head towards I guess. And no matter how busy life gets, things like these should take precedence. 

full-sized aortic pumps

July... has been yet another crazy month. I feel that from now on, all months will be crazy, until told otherwise. I so wish to be able to reach a day where I can go, "Yes this is a good pace, this is manageable, this I can get by."

But I guess it's really through all these things that make you stronger and better and greater? Through all these ups and downs and what not. I guess that's really what makes life interesting right? With all these ups and downs and bumps only the way. If everything is smooth and great, you may fall asleep along the way and miss out on the good things in life. 

No doubt, what's important is really health. To enjoy these ups and downs, you need to be fully functioning and well to tackle all these things and enjoy the greatness of life. Bad habits such as sleeping late and what not came but they can be changed too. You just really gotta be more discipline with it. 

Feels like I'm just blabbering now. So I'm gonna stop here and just yea, time to rest and tackle life. Or rather, enjoy it. I think when you say tackle, it feels like you are against it. True enough, life almost always doesn't go your way. But that doesn't stop it from being really great some times and allows you to see wondering things along the way. 

And you are going by your own time, own pace. Don't compare to how your life fare when compared to others. You work differently from others. God has His plans for you and you really just gotta believe in Him that yknow, it will all work out in mysterious ways.

And yes, please take care of your full-sized aortic pumps. Make sure that your heart remains healthy and also remains big and open, and continue to be a good person with a good heart. (Okay, this line isn't very coherent but I'm very tired so maybe I'll be able to articulate better after some sleep so good nightz)

o captain, my captain

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. " 

Robin Williams (Dead Poets Society, 1989)

Always found this paragraph really good but after watching the movie, it gave an even deeper meaning to it. It's definitely a really very good movie worth watching. I feel that they stop making such good movies anymore.

Anyway, half way through 2018; it definitely hasn't been easy. But with that said, the past six months had been nothing short of good and happy times, with lots of growth and learnings and appreciating people who really matter. For the most part, I should definitely start with the great things for the past six months.

Family and friends wise, they have all definitely been the greatest support. I guess as you grow older, you really learn to appreciate the people around you more. Those who truly matter. You realise how even after a long day of work, meeting those people who give you comfort definitely takes that tiring and bad day to another level. Just that energy wise, it's sadly really still tiring even as much as I hope to be able to give my 100% during meet ups. That's why weekends are even more precious because they are the two days of the week where you get to really spend quality time with people who matter. And I'm certainly really thankful and glad that I've found these comfort people who give me strength. Especially when things get bad I guess? Knowing that you have people who will be ready to hear you no matter what. But of course, you have to share the good times as well and I think that's the best part? Enjoying each other's company and sharing the good times and bad times. So thank you all for being part of my life and I really really cannot have made it so far without you guys.

Family is definitely the support that I really need at the end of the day. I really cannot be more thankful to have encouraging and understanding parents who really know that sometimes I just need some time alone to sort out my thoughts and have faith that I will know what to do ultimately. My sister who keeps me in check by providing alternative views and really being the best listening ear when I needed one the most.

Work is definitely the biggest challenge ever since I start in November last year. When there are challenges, it comes with many pros and cons. I guess one thing that I really need to learn is that it is okay to make mistakes. You just have to rectify them and make sure that you don't do them again. And don't be so freaking hard on yourself. You are not incredible and people don't expect you to be. I guess what's important is that as long as you know that you are giving in your best, you have nothing to regret. And learning to let things go. Let things be. Sometimes you just have to not worry so much and trust that things will be alright. You are definitely not here to satisfy everyone. No matter what you do, there will be people who still have something to say. But just remember that there is a reason for whatever you are doing and don't lose sight of that. Remind yourself time and again as to why you are here and what you are here for. And just make the best out of it. There will be times when things get really damn hard but I guess really just have to pick yourself up and recharge and continue fighting. There are times when you feel like you are just following orders but sometimes you just have to learn how to manage that as well? But definitely when you feel that something doesn't feel right, speak up for it. Do not let it go down without a fight.

I'm definitely learning more and more about myself and what are the things I want to do over the past few months as well. I know that for some part, maybe I really don't belong to the corporate world? I mean, I can do this, I can do this job good and well. But I cannot really see myself doing this for a long time. People talk about climbing the corporate ladder but honestly, I give no shit about it. Maybe you can say that it is the lack of ambition. But I guess it's just more of this isn't what I want for myself. What I envision myself to be in is doing something that I truly feel for and have passion about. Life is indeed filled with passion. It is with passion that makes life rewarding and worthwhile living. If we are just merely doing things without passion, how different are we from robots?

But I guess I am a loser for relationships and the most fun part of my job is really my colleagues and talking to them and all that. So for the most part, I really do enjoy what I am doing. So for now, I can still see myself doing what I am doing, which is definitely the most important part. And I am learning, it's not that I am just stagnant here. But I guess of course by the end of this year, I'll definitely reassess all these and see whether there is something else I want to pursue because sometimes you really just got to take that leap of faith to do something that you have always dreamt of doing but don't have the guts for it.

Sometimes you really just need that push to bring you closer to your dreams. But if you don't allow yourself to be pushed, it won't happen as well. 

you are stronger than you think you are

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

But okay with that said, I do believe in the value of complains. Sometimes, you really just need to get it off your chest to feel better and reform and work on changing your attitude towards it. Sometimes, you just need an outlet to express your frustrations.

It's crazy how for the past few months ever since I started my first job, I have experienced so many new things and so many new and different situations. What scares me most is that I forget the things that I have accomplished over the best few months and when I look back on my experience, I can't remember the things that I have done. So I guess thankfully I have my email to look through hahaha and calendar and I guess at least I do tell my family and friends that things that happen at work.

As much as sometimes it gets boring talking about work, you have to admit that it really is a big part of your life and it shouldn't be neglected because it is deemed as not as interesting. Work can actually be freaking damn interesting and work can change the way you think and do things, shape your personality and what not. For the most part, I know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I definitely do not want to be.

I guess over these past 8 months, the learnings have been pretty intense. So I think one of the most important things is to really record all of them down because they are important. I think most of the time I tend to forget that I am actually pretty decent? Hahaha as stupid as it sounds, you really forget your own abilities and strengths from time to time. But I'm very much thankful to have very good family, friends and colleagues who will remind me that hey, you are actually doing a pretty decent job. Even if you can't satisfy everyone, you did your best. And in the first place, you are not supposed to satisfy everyone. You win some, you lose some.

At the end of the day, no matter how crazy and tiring this thing is, I'm still very much thankful to have been given this chance and opportunity. And yes, I guess it's really about your mindset and attitude in dealing with all the craziness. No matter where you go, there is bound to be crazy. It's whether this crazy is worth it. For now, it is pretty worth it, so yes, I got this. 

MAY the force be with you

Okay, this is gonna sound so lame but I'm actually typing this on 9 June but because I really really want to keep to my one post per month, I'm backdating this. And anyway, whatever I'm gonna type is related to the month of May so it's the same lar hor LOL (really damn lame I know but yknow, if you are reading this, you know me and you know it's a normal thing for me to do <3 nbsp="" p="">
ANYWAY, so the entire month of May had been pretty crazy? It's really an emotional rollercoaster rides, with the highs going really highs and the lows going really low. But generally the lows aren't that bad. They are mainly just realisation of things and coming to terms with them.

Work has been pretty insane? But also quite satisfying. Especially now with all the interns finally in. It's still crazy with them around. But having these people around actually make me feel kinda happier? HAHA I think 'cause they are really people closer to my age range. And people whom I can kinda relate to more. Just that I'm also super envious of them 'cause they are so much more carefree. I miss being that.

But I guess as you do more thing at your job, naturally the responsibilities shift and it's really both good and bad. And this organisation is really changing and transforming like siao. Every week, I feel different. There will be new things. So actually last week when it came to the end of May, I actually felt genuinely satisfied and happy. So May actually ended quite well? Like I kinda know what I'm doing and how I should be doing it and idk, it just felt a little more clear.

But come this week, and found out some things and suddenly, it's different hahaha BUT ITS OKAY it's all part of the challenge to make myself better at what I do and be a better person. And learn how to manage people better. You say that you want to motivate people at their job and what not, you gotta work on yourself first.

I guess it's really finding out what exactly you wanna focus on and own. The projects you wanna take and how you wanna make sure that they are done well. There is still a lot a lot of learning to do and for the most part, I'm quite excited to learn them? Just that I really need to manage my time better and learn to prioritise and what not. And also document my journey so far. 7 months in already, it's pretty crazy. But I guess amidst the craziness, I found people who I can relate to and people who are good mentors to guide me along. So for the most part, this had been a pretty good experience.

So besides work, the rest are still pretty great HAHAH but also I guess when you have lesser time and lesser energy, you really are able to see more clearer how you want to spend that time and energy and who you want to spend them on. Along with that comes some sad truths but life is really like that so it's all part of learning and growing. WE GOT THIS.

And I think one thing that I really really learn ever since work started is that life is really not rainbows and butterflies no matter how you really hope it will be. As much as we aspire for things to be great and perfect, it usually won't ever be. But that doesn't mean you stop doing things and stop trying to be better. That doesn't mean it's any less worse. I think slowly, you really start to come to terms that there really are some things in life that really sucks and you can't fix it. But that doesn't mean that you still can't enjoy life and appreciate the beautiful of it. It's really all about balance. You need to be both happy and sad. You always need both sides and there will never be only one true side. And I think that's the most beautiful thing about everything. That there is not such thing as definitely right or wrong. It's all up to your own interpretation of things. 

live a life you will remember

[Hey, when face to face with all our fears
Learned our lessons through the tears
Made memories we knew would never fade  

He said, "One day you'll leave this world behind
So live a life you will remember."
My father told me when I was just a child
These are the nights that never die
My father told me] 

The Nights - Avicii

Not a super fan but Avicii's music are the few EDMs that I really like and listen to often and he's so very very talented and young and it's really quite sad.

A little bit out of words and inspiration 'cause idk, life has been pretty alright. Ups and downs. A lot of learnings, a lot of trying, a lot of uncertainties. With all that said, honestly very thankful to have met really very good people in my life who are honestly very good support system.

I guess, just really have to remember that while there are people who will always have something to say and comment, there are also people who are appreciative of your efforts. And I guess you really need both to make life more interesting and create more balance. And I guess really just gotta be stronger and don't let small things make you forget the bigger picture. Just work hard and of course work smart and if you never try, you really will never know.

I'm still really lacking in a lot of ways and I guess just have to remember that there is still a ton lot of things to learn, a lot of experiences to experience and just gotta keep going but with proper direction. If you are lost, recalibrate and find your way again. And sometimes, it's really okay to feel lost and unsure of where you are going. As long as you don't give up and stop. As long as you really just keep going and trying.

I think it's very very easy to just give up and toss your hands up in the air. So it takes a lot of strength and courage to catch yourself and remember that hey, you are not done with this yet. There are still many things you want to do and to show people what you are capable of doing.

I guess the most important thing is to take everything with a pitch of salt and have confidence in yourself and the things that you are building. Take pride in them and really just don't panic and remember to breathe.

Things may seem a bit crazy at times but if you look closer, you are actually all right and you got this, You are stronger than you think you are so just believe and have faith in your own abilities. The most important thing is really just remember to catch your breath no matter how freaking crazy life seem. You are really stronger than you think you are.

And also, you told yourself to fill 2018 with great memories and new adventures, don't forget this promise to yourself. Adventures can come in all sorts of form and I guess as long as you remember that there is really more life outside of just work, you are good. Which is something you really have to constantly remind yourself and yea, not get too tied up by everything. Learning to let go. 

find someone who is willing to listen to your many stories

and actually ask you to share with him more stories.

Of course, also constantly wanting to hear his stories and genuinely interested in his stories. And him actually wanting to share with you his stories without you having to ask him for them.

I guess, I have reached a stage in life where you know that time is slowly ticking away and you have yet to find someone to share all these stories with. But I know that such things really require a great deal of patience. Just that you know, sometimes the patience is really wearing thin.

But of course, with that being said, you really just gotta wait for the right time, the right place and definitely the right person. I guess when everything is right, the stars will somehow just magically align and you will see this right person. That's the hope right? I do still wish and hope that this is true and that yea, my time is just not here yet.

This is also just another reminder that despite all that, it's hell of an important to work on yourself and how to be a better person and really do something more than what you are doing now. You say you want to do something real, something that helps people and what not, start doing them. Stop saying, stop thinking and start doing. But of course, don't start it because you feel like you are not doing enough but start it because you genuinely want to do it. I guess for me, I always believe in having the right attitude when you do something. That right mindset. You can't just go ahead and do something if your heart isn't completely in it. It would end up becoming a chore and just another burdent to you. So yea, I guess when you have the right mindset and thinking towards it, that's when it all makes sense and you are really into it.

So honestly, there is still a lot of figuring out and a lot of reflecting hahaha but I guess, it's really important to take one step at a time and don't pressure yourself into things that you are not ready for. Give yourself time to just think through and figure things out. In this world, time is usually not on our side but yes, some things are truly worth the wait so be patient and take your time to build your life and your future.

For the most part, enjoy what you have now and be present instead of worrying so much about the future or the past. 

feb updates: life's great (hahaha not really)

2018 really has been quite crazy so far, even though it's just two months in. Time is moving by really really quickly and I think I really need to start trying to grab hold of it before it starts to spiral out of control.

So yes, I guess it's a strong reminder to self that I needa be more selfish and really block off time to really just think about what I wanna do with life and etc. As much as I honestly enjoy the company with my family and friends, I really miss my alone down time that I had before I started work. And I think I really underestimate the energy I need to sustain at work as a HR person hahahah.

I do enjoy talking to my colleagues and all that. But at the end of the day, the social energy level really depletes and you really just wanna either go home or spend time with people who you are so comfortable with that you can completely be yourself and don't have to socialise.

And to have that, I am honestly very bloody thankful to have really great people in my life who I can be myself completely. Like hanging out with them doesn't take up my social energy and that yea, it's just so easy to talk to them and have fun with them without doing anything much. These are really the best kind of relationships to have. And for people who are truly present when they are there. And those who really listens to you and genuinely cares about what is happening in your life and wants the best for you. For this, I am really grateful to have them in my life.

With that said, the past month of Feb has been pretty interesting too. There were two specific days I remember where I think I really lost my steam and drive to continue. I guess I just felt really lost and frustrated with everything that was going on. And no sense of direction whatsoever. Also to know that after working for 3 months, things didn't exactly got better or easier. Or rather, it actually felt worse. So I guess to come to that realisation that yes, work is never gonna be easy anymore and it's only gonna get more intense and more tiring, it hit me real hard. But yea, so after talking it out with my colleagues, my family, my friends, I manage to find myself back again to start moving. And I think also there were some things that were moving along at work as well. So that's greatttt. It's really additional motivation and it worked.

So yes, and honestly, I know it sucks so badly that now my posts are turning into job stuffs (blah). But I guess it's really very much part of my life now and I honestly do love it to most extend LOL there are hits and misses always, good times and bad times. As with any other jobs. So I guess it's really just always constantly remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing. And how to find that drive and motivation for it.

ADULTING hahaha but it's true though. This word is meh but I can really feel myself growing and learning more along the way. Just that yea, I feel this effyness in that I'm not exactly noting/documenting my own growth HAHAHA or rather learning stuffs also. And achievements? LOL small achievements ah. Small gains still matter lar hor. But yea, I guess that proper reflection time is something that I feel that I'm lacking now.

So yess, it's really time to force myself to just sit down and properly reflection. Stop feeling frustrated about not reflecting; it's ridiculous. That's why yea, really just make time for yourself if you really just need time to hear yourself think and reflect. It's a hygiene check and to honestly keep your own sanity. If you keep just thinking and caring about others, you will honestly go crazy. As humans, we really need to satisfy our own needs also lar hor.

And yes, one of the most important things I have learnt over the past few years is to appreciate what you have presently, regardless of what may happen in the future. The thing about the future is you really have no idea what will happen along the way and how things will turn out. So sometimes, you really just have to stop worrying so much, stop thinking so much. And just enjoy what you have right now. If stars are aligned, if fate allows it, if it is part of God's plans, things will work out eventually.

Have faith that things will work out eventually. That yes, whatever thats gonna happen will happen, if it doesn't, you still have the current good memory to look back on. That yknow, at least you had these great moments before. These moments are some of those who can define who you are now and how you think and all. So just enjoy this and give yourself the chance to enjoy it as well.

And of course, if you see something that you really want to hold on to, please hold on to them. Make the freaking effort because you really won't know when people and things will slip past you without you even knowing. 

reminders

One year older, not necessarily wiser HAHAH but actually, learning more and more things everyday and growing along with it. 

Posting now 'cause I scared I'll miss my one post a month policy LOL this entire Jan of 2018 had been pretty intense. Little sad that once again Jan isn't exactly my fav month this year again. But it's okay, 'cause even though it was a pretty intense month, it was still kinda a good intense? I'm running around doing things here and there but at least I'm running around doing things here and there and not just lying around without doing anything. Though the mess kinda bugs me sometimes, but as annoying as it sounds, you really have to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty and mess. And though I still have a long way to go before reaching that, I can see myself slowly trying to keep up with things and really just give it my best shot. 

Not even one month into 2018 yet but I've already learn so many things and gain so many new experience. Mainly at work but that's really good exposure. I guess even though work is honestly quite crazy and hectic, I'm glad that I really am learning things. Though there will be times when it's really frustrating but there are also times when it's really great and you truly feel happy at what you are doing. 

I guess the most important thing is really to remember why I'm doing what I do in the first place. Why I chose HR out of all the many million possible things that I could do instead. Why this is an area I really want to focus on and hone my skills in. So it's really time to take this opportunity to sharpen my skills in this area and really make good use of my time there. Not even 3 months in yet, and though I've done quite a few things already, I think it's really still very important to layout everything and make sure that I'm not just going around like a headless chicken. 

So I guess really have to remind myself to set aside a day to realign myself and what I am supposed to do before I can help others in realigning their careers and what not. And definitely important to be stronger and not let small little things affect you. Sure, sometimes these small things aren't exactly small but I guess it's really learning how to deal with them properly and just, be better. 

But also definitely important to rant too hahahah so I'm truly very thankful to have strong support systems outside of work and people who are willing to listen to me talk HAHA even though I'm complaining a lot but I still do enjoy what I'm doing and I guess I really still have many more things to learn and grow and do so it's really not the end for me yet. 

And also remember not to be jaded because of other things that are not exactly part of what I really want to do but still needs to be done. I think this is the part that I really need to learn to cope with better also. Because these things are really the things that are the most time consuming and most administrative but if you don't do it, no one else will. So you really just have to do it. I guess it's really just to remind yourself of the bigger picture and work towards that. That all these small activities and things will amount into something big and great and that's all that really matters. And I guess as part of the HR function, what really matter is the people right? If they feel happy and valued in the company and what not, you are doing a decent job. But of course, there are times when you yourself feel a little under appreciated but I guess that's where the big picture comes in. That yea, at the end of the day, people do still appreciate the things that you do even if they don't express it explicitly. 

So yepppp hahaha siao eh all these learning experiences. But I guess it's really important to note them down somewhere and remind yourself constantly and just push yourself to go forward and continue. Don't stop believing hahaha

A little sad that this post is so work-based so I guess also a strong reminder to have a life outside of work and not get to boiled down by it. Which so far, I think I'm pretty decent at this 'cause I still do meet friends and spend time with my family (when they are in sg). So generally, I still have a life HAHAH but of course, I think after I am confirmed staff (hahaha yea sia not even 3 months of work yet and it's so crazy), I will really find something else outside of work to do. If not, it's really just work plus meeting friends plus spending time with family. I mean these activities are enough to keep you busy, but like I guess really still remember that you are still very young and there are still many more things to learn and grow and it's really never too late to pursue the things that you really want. 

two thousand and seventeen

So many many thoughts but no time to properly sit and reflect for now. I'll just try to summarise in the most coherent way possible.

2017 has been pretty insane. From graduating form SMU and education in general, to starting my first job. There are still so many more things to experience and so many more things to learn. But this year really has been interesting? HAHA I guess, it started off bad but safe to say, it is ending pretty decent. Not completely great but I am contented and satisfied with what I have right now.

I guess as compared to last year's ending, this year's ending actually felt way better. Maybe because there is kinda more certainty in my life. At least for my job area and friends area. Not that yknow my friends area was uncertain last year LOL just that at the start of this year, there were some uncertainty and all but I'm so damn thankful that it all got sorted out and I still have my friends with me. :')

I think at the end of the day, I'm really a sucker for friendships. I mean okay, most people are. But I really truly feel very blessed to know that I have people who I can count on when I need help or advice or just a listening ear. And I guess this year, with all the things that happened, it's comforting to know that those people who said that they will be there for you through the good times and bad, they are really there. And they are really there to listen to me and talk me through my own thought process HAHA 'cause yes, this person here sometimes really just need to articulate out my thoughts in order to get my head straight. Thinking out loud, literally. But yes, I need someone to reply me when I think out loud, even though it's just to reassure me that I'm not making the wrong decisions. So yes, really just grateful to have people around to talk to? HAHA

And just people who make you laugh and smile and just make your day really brighter. They are simple things in life that we often take for granted but we should definitely pay attention to these moments more because they are actually the ones that count at the end of the day. When you look back in your life, sure, you will remember the big moments. But it's also the small moments that make your heart all warm and fuzzy. The late night talks about life, the times when you laugh until your stomach hurts so bad, or simply talking about rubbish (but not really) during meal times or after meal times, staying out late with each other and doing nothing much just because you want to stay with each other longer. I guess these are the moments that you will miss more than the big moments. These are the moments that you will actually look back on more fondly. So I guess what's important is really just appreciate every moment that you have with people and be present. I realise that for me, it's really either all in or none. If I am going to meet you, I will put in effort to meet you and talk to you and know you. But if I'm really not interested in meeting you, I won't even bother LOL I mean, there is good and bad to it. But we really only have 24 hours a day, there are some many people who matter and so you really just have to make them for those who truly matter more.

And I guess at work, definitely it's important to know my colleagues and all that but somehow it's really just different. I mean okay, I do really like some of my colleagues and I can talk to them and all that, but sometimes it's just different I guess? But okay, honestly, work is really great. I mean there are times when I feel frustrated or really very messy. Or actually still pretty messy. But it's okay. It's really training me to be comfortable with the discomfort and messiness. And I'm sure that after this whole experience, I will come out stronger? HAHA hopefullyyy. And really just learn as much as I can and gain as much knowledge as I can. Just make use of all the opportunities I have and do the best in my work. But also remember to cut  myself some slack and don't have too high expectations on yourself that make you stress over nothing.

And of course, not forgetting my family. At the end of the day, they are ultimately still the most important people in my life and I'm really glad that I got to spend more time with my mum and dad post graduation and pre work. And honestly, I miss spending time with them and idk, just running errands with them/for them. HAHA maybe I should really just be their PA instead LOL not exactly a bad thing. I get to travel often, earn money/allowances and look out for them. So it's really killing many birds with one stone. But okay, I need to go out there and gain some exposure and experience first before I can contribute.

And I think actually I also need to start shredding away the "newbie" mentality. Yes, I am new, I am a fresh grad. But that doesn't mean I cannot do the work that other people who have been working for years have been working on. Sure, there are times when it's true that experiences matter. But aren't you the one who got frustrated with companies who only hire people with experience? So isn't it time to proof that hiring fresh grad directly is not a bad idea? And that yes, fresh grad has things to prove to you as well. I guess I really just have to remember and remind myself daily on what is the purpose of what I am doing. Or rather, work hard and show that you are capable of doing things and that they did not make a wrong decision in hiring you.

But anyway, so yes family. HAHA digress like mad but anywayyy so parents I got to spend more time. Sister, I mean I guess as we grew older we really grew closer? When we were young we were close but like by circumstances HAHA so I guess form primary to JC onwards we were more of doing our own thing and finding our own friends and all that. But I guess once I started uni and she started working, we somehow converge back again. I mean all along we were close but yea, just closer now and I'm so damn thankful to have her around to really just hear me talk as well HAHA or rather, vent my frustrations and really advice me on what I should do. So yes, it's always great to have an older silbling around and I'm so thankful that I'm the youngest. Heheh but hey, I take care of her too k so it's mutual.

So yes, there's really more things that I wanna say and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to find the time to say them but of course, you make time for your own reflection right? So yea, I guess I really need to start learning how to manage my time properly 'cause once you start work, life really passes by you without you knowing and soon you will be 25 years old. Oh my. So yes, I think time management is something that I definitely wanna work on as well. Self improvement woohoo!

So thank you 2017 for being a pretty rollercoaster ride but I guess life is only fun and interesting when it's a rollercoaster ride right? The trick is to enjoy this ride whether is it up or down. And embrace all your feelings, be it positive or negative because you need all of them to keep you sane and healthy ultimately.

2018, hope you will be great. 

comfort

Suddenly at a loss of words on how to begin this post but I guess, I'll just go with it ah LOL anywayyy, just completed my 3rd week of work and there's pretty much quite a lot of things going on and stories to say about it but the gist is that it's pretty intense but I believe I'll survive it. And I'm really learning things and being exposed to many opportunities so really just gotta learn and read more and just give my best shot.

I think the most important lesson that I got from these 3 weeks is to not be so hard on myself and give myself time to adjust to work life. Of course, don't take too long but I think also don't rush it. And it's okay to fall short of your own expectations of yourself. Just really, don't beat yourself up about not being good enough and etc. So I guess I also learned that I am not as chill pill as I thought I would be LOL but okay ah, I mean, during work time I honestly still think I'm pretty chill. It's just internal thoughts. Over thinking sigh. Self induced stress, it's really quite stupid LOL

But yes, it's all part of learning more about yourself and growing up and it's all good. I'm really good ah. Just really need to learn to manage expectations. Especially my own expectations of myself. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay not to know things, it's okay to question even though you may feel that these questions sound stupid. At least you question and not just sit there and be confused but don't clarify.

Another important lesson is also not to lose sight of the purpose of whatever you are doing. I think sometimes when we get too busy and too overwhelmed with everything, we forget the simple things like what are we actually doing this for. So I guess it's really important to remind yourself constantly to not lose sight of your purpose so that you will have stronger motivation to continue what you are doing.

And I also realise I'm really needy HAHAHA I guess when you are feeling not as happy, you really just wanna be around people who you are familiar with, people who bring you great comfort and you know you can just be at complete ease with them. So yes, I really miss my friends and really hope that somehow, everyone is working at the same company HAHA work will be so much more fun sia =(

But it's okay, it's important to meet new people and make new friends too and cannot always be confined in your own comfort zone. Time to really just put myself out there and not be scared of failure.

But yes, also thankful for the people in my life who are really just the greatest. And just people who bring my joy and laughter despite everything. So it's damn important to really just make time for all these small happiness no matter how busy or tired you are because these are the things that actually give you more energy to continue what you are doing.

As much as I really hate to admit it, adulting is really not fun hahhaah but okay, there is the part where you are actually earning your own money and idk somehow spending your own money definitely feels better. And planning how you wanna save up for other things or trips heh. I guess, it will all be okay as long as you remember that you have a strong support system in the form of your family and friends who will always be there for you and that you are really not alone on this journey.

what about angels

[ How unfair, it's just our luck
Found something real that's out of touch
But if you'd searched the whole wide world
Would you dare to let it go? ] 

Not About Angels - Birdy

But how can you let go of something that you never had? Right? And why is it that something real can actually be out of touch? But it really can.

Fate works in the funniest and strangest of ways right? Or maybe to me, it really does. It really feels like it's playing tricks on me most of the time. But it's okay. I guess it's really all part of growing up and figuring things out. Being okay with not knowing also.

I guess I need to learn to loosen my control and really let life be as it is. The future is something that you really won't know what's going to happen. And I guess, that's okay. Don't worry too much and really just make your best out of the present.

And good things are really worth the wait. I believe in this so much. And I see it happening time and again. So I guess it's really just a reminder to myself to be patient in life. In every aspect of life. Don't rush things, don't over think things, don't doubt yourself too much. And have faith and believe that at the very end of the day, it will all be okay. Things will eventually work out in ways that you can never imagine. So okay, the trick is to just take things easy and focus on things that you need to focus on right now and make the best out of whatever you are doing.

Gonna start my first job this Monday and I'm really excited. Though a little scared and nervous to what's to come but I guess I'm more excited than scared. And I really hope that I can do well in it but I guess really just give my very best and work hard. Time to get moving and give my best.