all we can do is try

[ You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun ]

Chasing The Sun - Sara Bareilles

Very very restless now, hence blogging. Finals next week but I don't feel it. Lol! As in I guess right now is just there are too many things to bother about that somehow finals ain't that huge. Like internship. I guess that's actually why I'm still so vexed and frustrated. But myself to blame. 'Cause yea, I think I really need to up my game. My standard. My strengths and weaknesses, I really need to deal with them better.

But yes, right now I should really just focus on finals and aim to do well in it. Just that right now, I'm really damn restless I cannot. Like I really just rather not do anything. Which is damn horrible. It's like woman, it's already Wednesday night and you have so many stuffs you haven't study yet. Why are you still here typing?

And 2 years of university life is gonna be over. How? How did 2 years just went by like that? It's quite crazy I swear. All that time, I have no idea where they went. But alright, I can't say it was all bad. I had a great time during these 2 years. I mean yea, ups and downs. But generally alright. And I met really nice people in life. People who I really do hope that I can still keep in contact with even after graduation in 2 years time. Siao. It's really crazy fast I realise. Once you start, it's really just all the way.

I really love this song too though. Her voice is awesome. But yes, this song is really nice too. I wish I can really just grab a random air ticket and get out of Singapore. Like just out and explore this huge world. But then of course, you will feel scared all. But sigh, I really hope that I hear good news soon. it's pretty disheartening to receive rejections or no reply. I really still do hope that no news is good news. Meaning that there is still a chance there. Like not a complete rejection.

But everyday I'll check my email. Everyday when a new email comes my heart will jump. Ok fine, not so drama but yea when new emails come, I'll be eager to see what it is. And also 'cause it's slightly lag so I will see the notification for email before know what the email is saying. Which yea, just makes it even more annoying. And phone too. When unknown numbers call. Gahh I really hope that this will be over soon so I can stop worrying abt it.

I really wish that I can intern as a traveller. Life would be pretty great.

not too late to do something new

[ It's not right, it's not right for you
If you even have to think about it
It's not right, it's not right for you
If you really have to think about it
You got one life to love what you do ]

It's Not Right for You - The Script

This is by far one of the most applicable song at the right moment that I guess probably really made a lot of difference. The lyrics were really just saying to me. It's like a freaking direct sign. Right in my face. Okay, in my ears. And it really feels as if God is speaking to me. I'm not trying to be all holy and stuffs. But yea, I realise how sometimes, there really are signs telling you what to do when you are in doubt.

So yes, lessons learnt from today's episode:
1. Read job descriptions CAREFULLY. Don't blindly apply just because you are slightly desperate for internship. No matter what, don't force yourself into doing something you don't like when you have the choice to not do it. If you don't have a choice then you have to learn to love the job. But if you have a choice to choose something else, do it. Don't be stupid.
2.  You can lie to others but you can never lie to yourself. It's amazing how much I can just say opposite of what I actually feel. Like thinking back, I realised I said stuffs that I actually have no idea why I said them. But I guess it was a good thing that I cannot lie to myself because yes, it comes back and bug you like crazy when you realise you are trying to psycho yourself into accepting things that you don't want.
3. Talking to people helps. Like hearing different viewpoints and stuffs. And ok fine usually I need to talk it out to make everything seems clearer so yes, just talk.
4. I don't really know where my numbering is going. 'Cause I think I can draw out more than 3 lessons from whatever I just typed. LOL.

But ok, gist is really just don't sign up for something that you know you won't like it. It's like you know you are going in the wrong direction and you still heading it. If you keep doing that, you will never reach your ultimate goal, whatever the ultimate goal may be.

It's amazing how fast everything started and ended. How I got the call for to arrange for interview on Monday morning and the interview was on Tuesday morning and they accepted me in the afternoon and now I've decided to reject it later in the morning.

But I'm glad it ended fast and that yea, I was able to stay true to myself in a sense? Partly thanks to this song. Like really. 'Cause I was trying so hard to psycho myself to like the job but I still felt damn uncomfortable and disturbed. Then until I heard this song then I'm like shit lar am I making the right decision. So it started all the serious thinking and yes, I'm still glad for my decision.

I think whoever reading this might be confused but yea, the details aren't important. I can tell you more in real life if you remember to ask me. HAHA! But yea, the main point is really make decisions carefully and wisely. Not rashly. And stay true to yourself. And okay, just really don't be stupid ah. Sometimes, I realise I will really get blinded by some stuffs that I forgot about the more important things. So yes, always take a step back before making decisions if not you may regret it.

And yes, read job descriptions carefully. Make sure you know what the hell you are getting yourself into. Thank you God for letting me know what to do and not get blinded by things that are less important. And thank you, The Script. For creating such songs HAHA! Can't wait to hear and see you guys live in 20 days time. =D

united as one

As I was queueing up to enter the Parliament House to pay my final respect for the man who made Singapore what she is today, I realise how efficient Singaporeans are. And how Singaporeans are really kind during such times. How everyone just came together in mourning and there weren't any complains of sorts even though the weather wasn't the greatest. People giving out water, biscuits, umbrellas. And I really admire how fast the people manage the queue. How after one day or even less than that, there was a proper queueing system. And how they adapt and adjust along the way when they realised there were more and more people going to have their last respects for Mr Lee.

It's quite amazing really. How organised everything is and I guess how everyone really just came together to help each other. It really just warms my heart to see how Singaporeans are united as one. Something that Mr Lee Kuan Yew always wanted. And when you see those in the older generation, how they really are full of gratitude towards him. For our generation, we are the product of everything that he did, so we never really been through the hardships and everything. And yea, he wasn't the PM of our time. But you still have to admit that his contributions to Singapore is really beyond words. Immeasurable. And that his love for the country and its people is huge. It's really how ironic that we learn to appreciate all that he has done for the country after his death. But I guess it's not as if we didn't know his importance to Singapore, we just didn't really know the specifics until now.

And yes, I read this article that rebuts some of the Westerns view' on how Mr Lee trade freedom of speech for economic growth and all that. And this part of the article is really something I completely agree.

"Freedom is being able to walk on the streets unmolested in the wee hours in the morning, to be able to leave one's door open and not fear that one would be burgled. Freedom is the woman who can ride buses and trains alone; freedom is not having to avoid certain subway stations after night falls. Freedom is knowing our children can go to school without fear of drugs, or being mowed down by some insane person with a gun. Freedom is knowing that we are not bound by our class, our race, our religion, and we can excel for the individuals that we are - the freedom to accomplish. Freedom is living in one of the least corrupt societies in the world, knowing that our ability to get things done is not going to be limited by our ability to pay someone. Freedom is fresh air and clean streets, because nothing is more inimical to our liberty of movement than being trapped at home because of suffocating smog. These are the freedoms that Singaporeans have, freedoms that were built on the vision and hard work of Mr Lee, our first Prime Minister. And we have all of these, these liberties, while also being one of the richest countries in the world. There was no trade-off. Not for us."

So yes, without his vision, Singapore would not have been such a safe home to many. Whenever I went overseas, this security and safeness in Singapore is always something that I will always miss and look forward to coming back. Sure, there are other places in the world with such safeness too. But of course, growing up here, this is my home. And it's really a place that I will call home for as long as I live because yea, no matter how much we complain about not having anything to do or what, it is still the best place to live and bring up your children. For me at least. I really do believe that Singapore is a good place to live in. Sure, there are some flaws here and there but you can't expect everything to be perfect. It's about learning how to deal and adjust to stuffs and making the most out of the different situations.

I guess I just hope that this unity amongst Singaporeans will continue to last for a lifetime. So that Mr Lee Kuan Yew's legacy will live on. And we will continue to protect and safeguard this nation that he spent almost his entire life to protect and look after. We cannot let him down.

Remembering Lee Kuan Yew

“If you can’t think because you can’t chew, try a banana.”
(Lee Kuan Yew, 2000)

HAHAHA I really loved this when my sister told me about it. He was after all a very witty and smart man who can say the darnest things.

Read so many different articles and viewpoints everywhere on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and news report. And I decided to post this now while the thoughts are still fresh. This might get incoherent because there are just so many thoughts running in my head now but I will try my best.

So to start off, I didn't really expect myself to feel so much. As much as I know what he did for the country, his contributions and sacrifices, I didn't know him personally. So I figured that his passing would mean something huge but not so much but I guess I was wrong. Because he, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, is a part of each and every single one of us today.

"People say that Mr Lee Kuan Yew is Singapore. I politely disagree. Mr Lee Kuan Yew is the man who made us Singapore. We are the tangible products of his sacrifice and hard choices. Beyond the GDP and safe streets, Mr Lee's true legacy is in the people who he left behind. Us, one united people."

Quoting from a friend's reflection, this part rang so true. We are who we are today because of him. How the people of Singapore are shaped, the environment we grew up in. He was the one who shaped us to be who we are today. The father of the nation.

"Much of today’s “Singa­pore DNA” can be traced to his personal character, philosophy and values." (Quoting from Mr Goh Chok Tong)

The efficiency for one. The hard work and resilience. They are all part of many Singaporean's way of living and personalities. True, they are traits that a lot of people in the world possess as well. But if you look closer at Singapore, these are the traits that truly define us as Singaporeans. As One People. The song we sang almost every single National Day and how we would shout it out loud when we were in primary school, without truly understanding the lyrics to it. But now that I'm older, I can understand where the song is coming from. Unity in Singapore didn't came to us as easily. With all the different races and religions, it takes a lot for us to actually come together as One People for the nation. Working hand in hand to face to future. And to trace back the origins of this, we can trace it back to Mr Lee Kuan Yew. He who saw the great importance in unity amongst Singaporeans. All his policies on integration and understanding between races and religions. He saw the importance of communication among different races because everyone needs to come together and work together in order for Singapore to grow and prosper.

He who made Singapore what it is today. Had he not been the man who was strict and firm, I am quite sure that Singapore will not be where it is today. Our safety that we always take for granted. So many things that Singaporeans take for granted and only learned to appreciate after travelling to another country and see the difference. People tend to take the things that they have for granted and I believe most Singaporeans are at fault with that.

And it is only when someone is gone then we remember all the things that he had done for the country. It's sad but it's human. We tend to that the things that we have for granted, not appreciating them well while they are available and there.

This nation, we all have to work hard to keep it together. For Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Singapore is his baby. Something he groomed since birth. And never once did he stop caring about it. Everything he did, he would think of the country. He worries about the future of the nation and the next generation. To make sure that his fruits of labour would not go to waste. That Singapore will continue to grow forward and onwards, never backwards.

What he did for the country was truly remarkable. As I watched the tributes to Mr Lee Kuan Yew shown on TV, I felt like I'm watching documentaries about Singapore's history. He was such a huge part of Singapore's history, all 50 years of it. To not have him around to celebrate Singapore's 50th birthday is truly strange. But I guess, and I hope that he passed on peacefully, knowing that Singapore is in safe hands. That he can finally let go and entrust his baby to the future generation.

Instead of feeling sad for his passing, we should be happy that he is in a much happier place now, together with his beloved wife, and in no pain. For all that he had given up for for Singapore, he deserves to enjoy and have a great time too. I believe that there is an afterlife and I believe that he is there. And he will always look after Singapore no matter what. To make sure that we will continue to be a safe and sound country. A place where we can always call our home.

I guess that's why I was affected by this news. To know that Singapore has lost a great leader. One who isn't afraid to be unpopular and had an iron fist. I may not agree with every thing that he did to reach to where Singapore is today but I believe that whatever he did was for the good of the nation. That had he done it differently, I'm pretty sure that Singapore will definitely be a mess right now. He could so easily choose not to put in so much effort into building up this nation but as a man of honour and integrity, he decided that since he took up the job and responsibility to build this nation, he must do it to his best abilities.

And what made me appreciate him even more is that he would admit his flaws. He would admit that he isn't perfect and not all the decisions he made where the right ones. But he knew that at that moment, he had to make such decisions, no matter how hard and unfair they may seem. It was all with the good for the nation. He only had the best interest for Singapore. Singapore is truly his baby. One he protects so much and care so much for.

Another thing that really got me about his passing is his son. To lose your father is one thing. To lose your father and your mentor and the leader of your nation all at the same time, now that's pretty tough. For most of us, the passing of our beloved leader is already sad and hard to deal with. But for PM Lee, not only did he lost a leader of Singapore, he lost his father. And on top of that, as a leader of our nation too, he had to be brave for everyone amidst everything. To collect himself just within hours after his dad's passing and address the whole nation live, that doesn't seem like an easy job at all. As I watched his Chinese speech, my heart really goes out to him. You can really see how he had to pause to collect his tears because as the leader of Singapore, he had to put on a strong front. Even though his dad just passed away.

It's never easy to tell someone the passing of someone who is so dear to you. And it's especially hard to say it to the entire nation. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it was for him to hold back his tears and continue a strong front. It's like on top on mourning, you still have to worry about the country and everything. It's hard really. But I believe PM Lee will be able to do it. He is truly a leader I admire a lot as you can see the effort he puts in to try to keep up with times. And yes, I truly believe that Singapore will be alright in his hands. I guess what matters more is actually who comes after him. But I shall leave this thought for another day.

I guess, as usual, my thoughts are really all over the place. But I guess one thing we must remember about Mr Lee Kuan Yew is that besides being the father to our nation, he was also a father of his children. And I think that he had been a great father. You can see the admiration that his children have for him and you know that he did a great job as a parent. It was probably not an easy thing to juggle better his children and the nation but I believe that he had done a great job.

As news are pouring all over the world about Mr Lee Kuan Yew's death, I'm really proud to say how much of an impact he had made to not just Singapore but the world as well. That he had lived a full and great life while he was still alive. True, the sacrifices he made were immeasurable. All the efforts and hard work. He dedicated his life to Singapore and worked to build a nation and improve the well-being of Singaporeans. He gave us a country we can be proud of, a home to bring up our family and a better life we can aspire to. We are forever indebted to him but more so, we should continue to safeguard his legacy and make him proud by doing our very best for Singapore. To keep Singapore safe and secure. To make sure that Singapore will continue going forward and grow. In that way, he will then be able to rest in peace, knowing that this child that he groomed since young will be able to make it on its own even without having him around.

Thank You, Mr Lee, for all that you have given to Singapore and us. You are truly remarkable and amazing. We will continue to strive towards a better Singapore and make you proud. Rest in peace, we will take care of Singapore.

“You begin your journey not knowing where it will take you. You have plans, you have dreams, but every now and again you have to take uncharted roads, face impassable mountains, cross treacherous rivers, be blocked by landslides and earthquakes. That’s the way my life has been.” - Lee Kuan Yew

Ok I just need to really rant.

Sometimes I really don't get the decisions I make in life. Especially in terms of school related stuffs. I know yea, you make mistakes sometimes but it's really frustrating. It's more so frustrating when you are studying stuffs that you really have zero interest in. Stuffs that you are really bored of as you study it. I know it can be interesting, and it's a useful module to take. But freak, I feel like I don't understand. Or somehow I'm just rejecting it and feeling freaking restless now as I'm studying for the test tmr.

Times like this I really feel quite pissed off with myself for making decisions that are probably not the best. And I can't do anything about it right now but really just work hard and hope for the best. Pray that some sort of enlightenment will come my way. And that yea, I will somehow understand it all.

I don't know how and I don't know if I can. I realise I'm really a person who needs to have interest in something in order for me to really do my best and put in greater effort into it. I mean yea, for most stuffs I will still do my best. But there is a difference when I genuinely like the subject.

That's how I can do well for History and Econs in JC even though they are crazy. At that time I really like it. And I really miss History. I realise I'm really very much an Arts student. So why am I in Economics? I have no idea too.

In the first place, I honestly wasn't given much choice. And I don't regret going SMU. I really don't. Because yes, I really learned a lot from my almost 2 years here. And I think it is honestly a good school for growth and development and stuffs. And yes, the friends I met had been pretty great too. So honestly, no regrets. Just that when it comes to studies and grades and stuffs, I just really can't help feeling dejected. When you see how badly you are fairing as compared to the rest of the world. And how you just can't seem to understand it. And how you try your best to love it and understand it, some part of you is just rejecting it and it freaks. It really freaks.

Because hell, who doesn't want to do well? Who doesn't want to get decent grades? Especially when almost everyone around you is doing well and getting good grades. I guess one thing I really don't like about SMU is its competitiveness. Ok to be true, I think the other schools are competitive too. It's just that at SMU, somehow grades really do matter.

But I still am trying to go by other ways instead of relying on my grades. Like through internship and stuffs. And I really hope that I will be able to somehow. But heck, securing that internship is so damn hard. Because let's be honest, companies still do look at grades, as much as I hope they won't.

GAH My thoughts are really all over the places and I'm really just typing now 'cause I'm just freaking restless and bored with studying for the test.

I really want this semester to end. Year 2. Can't believe it's coming to an end. It's so damn fast it's so weird. 2 years in SMU. Where did all that time go? I really have no idea. All I know is that right now, I really need some greater and stronger motivation to keep going.

The thing here is really that I know that I am not incapable. I'm not saying that I'm capable but I'm decent. As long as I work harder, I think I can make it. But yes, that drive. That freaking drive to just push myself forward. I guess it's getting better. As compared to last year when it was all a freaking blue. But I still feel that it's not enough. I need to really just wake myself up.

Wake up your idea, Yi Fang. Things don't just drop from the sky and come at you instantly. You need to put in effort and hard work and determination. Don't give up easily because freaking hell sia, you are not allowed to. Luck is one thing. And it's not enough just having luck. You need to do something when the opportunity arises. God gave you this great opportunity to get a university degree in SMU. Don't screw it up any further.

I guess I'm just really frustrated because I know that I choose to be in this current state. I can choose not to do this module but I have no idea why I ended up taking it. And I guess it just freaks because you know you had a choice but you made the wrong one. Alright, the sem hasn't end yet so it's too early to say that it's a completely wrong mistake. So I should just shut up and study and work harder.

Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. 

let go

How? How am I supposed to just let go? I want to sing the song and be all like yea I am cool like that. But no, I can't. I can't let go and I really don't know why. I can't get over it. I'm stuck at status quo when I thought I was better.

Life, it has its ways to play tricks on you. You know you are gonna get hurt again but still you can't stop yourself. Honestly, I really don't know what the hell you want, Yi Fang.

First, you should just focus on yourself and doing things for yourself and just think about yourself. Stop thinking about other stuffs that honestly doesn't really matter. And don't get annoyed at yourself over stuffs that you really cannot control. True, you should be able to control your own feelings but sometimes they are just beyond control so you just have to deal with it.

Life sucks like that but you deal with it. Your feelings complicate you but you deal with it.

Just accept it and don't run away from it. Accept that you can't let go. Accept that you have those feelings. No matter how ridiculous and stupid they are. How long and how stupid you may feel. How it may not be worth it at all. Just accept it and embrace all of it because it's all part of you.

I'm pretty sure I'm not talking much sense now but I'm just really ranting so yea, deal with it. I guess someday I'll have it all figure out and I hope it will all be alright.

what's important

Smile. Because life really isn't that bad.

Life right now is pretty crazy and busy. But I have my great times and bad and ok to be true, mostly nice times now HAHA! There are times when it's pretty hard and you get sleepless nights and you don't understand no shit about whatever you are studying. And feel damn freaking lost as to why you are in this course.

But then, you have really great people around you who can make you laugh and smile and just be really happy and thankful to have them in your life. And I miss my mama. She went to China for almost 2 weeks already but ok, she's gonna be back soon so yay!! But yea, mothers are really very important people in everyone's life. They are just important really. If I have to explain, it will take awhile.

But anyway, yea, haven't been updating here much 'cause there really isn't much time to just sit and type stuffs. 'Cause you will be typing other stuffs instead. Oh and internship. That's a freaking chore because somehow, you just don't get much replies and it's kinda frustrating having to wait for replies and all that.

Sigh, if I really don't have anything, I will just go travel and I don't know already actually. It's like not much back up plans so alright, we'll see how.

But I really do miss doing stuffs. Like cycling and all that. And laughing. Ok lar, I do laugh from time to time but it's just really just the hearty laugh. Until your head and your stomach hurts. Laughing over senseless stuffs. Until you just wanna die but so so happy.

Alright, a few more weeks and I'll be done with Year 2. Pretty scary how fast time goes by. Something we can never catch up to. But yea, I guess what really matters is enjoying the present and look forward to the future. To be honest, I really can't wait for the future sometimes. To really just see where I end up in, how my life plays out. But yes, I guess patience is impt. It takes time. Life takes time so just do what you have to do now and wait. HAHA

Yes, I will try to post nicer stuffs next time

steps

ALRIGHT! I'm slightly sick of myself being all nostalgia and stuffs. But I realise I really am a freaking nostalgic person. That day I was just walking by my old bus stop (Zhenghua bust stop) and I had them feels. And when I went back to my old house to take some stuffs, I really just lie on my bed and just lie there. Sucker for change ah. But yes, change is the only constant and this change hasn't been that bad so far. In fact it's actually pretty great. Especially when you wake up early in the morning to a freaking beautiful view. Yes, that's the perks of my new home. The sunrise view is awesome 'cause it's just forestry in front so there isn't any buildings or what. Though there isn't anymore sunset but sunrise is good enough. Encourage me to wake up earlier in the morning. HAHA!

Really love the sun here. Pretty sure there's gonna be a lot of spam of this view but the most incredible thing is that every morning, it will be different. Because yes, it's the sun ah. And light. And nature. My parents are hilarious though. They are really excited abt the sunrise all HAHA Ok lar, me too.

Anyway, so recess week is over. Though that wasn't much of a recess week. It's more like no need to go sch for lessons but life is still pretty much busy somehow. Though okay, I admit that I never did as much as I intended to. Which isn't a surprise there. But okok I guess yea, I can feel the backlash now so that ain't fun.

BUT IT'S OKAY. At least I had a pretty nice CNY. And ok recess week wasn't that bad. Just that yea really overwhelming lot of things to do. =\ But yes, one step at a time. Though I need to step faster though. Time is slightly running out. Need to be more focus and productive and just really get my shit together. Every freaking semester it feels like time is zoom by like nobody's business.

And so many things I want to do. And have to do and need to do. So probably I should focus on doing the needs first before doing the wants. Busy but I guess it's good busy. So yes, this is still gonna be the space where I rant and complain and type random emotional stuffs. Lol! But yes, I guess during summer I'll try to post all the other stuffs that I was supposed to post. Somehow life just suck you dry and I realise I do enjoy blogging and recounting stuffs and events. It's just that sometimes it takes up a lot of time and you'll rather be out there and living the life instead of sitting in front of your com and typing them out. Partly 'cause time is getting more and more packed. And you don't really have that luxury of time to even just sit and reflect and think. So having those time to just sit and think is already sort of a blessing in some ways. So typing them out is another level. Haha!

In general, I am really contented with my life now. It's just slightly crazy but I'm alright. And hmm, I guess it's not exactly the best yet 'cause there are still so many uncertainties especially with internships and stuffs. The future. Sigh. 21 years old is no joke ah. You realise how you really need to start planning the future and stuffs. And I don't know. Many things to think about. But yep, it's actually not a 21 years old thing but life in general. As you grow older, you'll have more worries and stuffs.

But yes, I believe that there will also be more happiness and joys and all that. Just being contented and enjoying the present. It may not be the best and ideal kind of life that you want but I guess it's really all up to how you see it and right now, I think my life isn't that bad. So yes, live in the present and not the past.