time to get moving

I come to realise that bumming around is really not for me. LOL as in okay, not that I don't enjoy bumming around, it's just weird. And I really feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting there and using my phone. I swear phone is like the worst distraction. You can really just sit there and use your phone for an hour and realise you didn't gain anything from it. Or sleeping. 12 hours of sleep a day is way too much. Though okay, I admit it does feel kinda nice to really just chill and relax for awhile after spending 6 months not exactly properly resting.

But I think it's really time for me to start getting a move on and do something? I think all these free time in my hands makes me think way too much. And question way too many things. Thinking is good. But I think overthinking is very bad and I think for the past few weeks ever since I was back, I have been overthinking quite a bit. Okay fine, I am only back for 2 weeks but yea. Somehow, a lot of things seem to be happening for the past two weeks and I don't know, it's just a lot to take for someone who was gone for 25 weeks. It's like I'm suddenly spammed with all these stuffs. And meeting different people every day. Not that I'm complaining, it's just like wow okay, this is real, I'm really back to Singapore, back to this lifestyle of meeting different people everyday.

I guess it's just kinda exhausting sometimes? To be around different people everyday. Though yes, I love all these people I meet. But it's a bit overwhelming when I spend most of the days by myself when I was in Groningen. And travelling doesn't count 'cause I travel with different people and you are seeing stuffs and doing stuffs when you are travelling and it's exciting. So I guess suddenly being back to the familiarity but with different people just feels very like woah. Yes, the familiarity is good and nice but I guess I'm not yet used to this lifestyle. And to be honest, I think some parts of me got very comfortable with being by myself that I forgot what's it like to be around people. It's a very strange feeling I swear. It's like I feel very out of place though I know that I'm very much there and these people here do acknowledge my presence and care about me and stuffs. Just strange I guess?

But yes, part of me know that I am also thinking too much because yes, I am more free so the mind just wanders. Which is very bad because sometimes I can feel myself not being present in the moment. Like my mind is wandering off somewhere. And I think that they can feel it too but it's like I don't know how to get myself grounded again. But I guess I will slowly find my way around this after a few more weeks. Just give me time and I will be fine.

Or rather, get me moving and stop bumming around and not doing anything. I think I really work way better when I'm given a lot of things to do at once. It makes me feel more fulfilled with life and know that you made the most of your day and not waste the day lying around and using your phone. Even tidying up photos is good. It's actually something I really need to do before school starts. Omg, two more weeks and I'm freaking not ready.

Though I said I'm ready to start school, I also forgot a lot about how school works here in SMU until I suddenly remembered how it is going to be like that day and I'm like nope, I'm not excited about it anymore. But okay, I guess I'm excited to really do stuffs. Which also just means I just really need to start sorting out my life and stop wasting time away doing nothing. I had already done nothing for the past 2 weeks so I guess it's high time I start doing stuffs. Also, busy suits me. I really need to do something if not I will feel weird. But yea, there really is plenty of stuffs to do. It's just that obviously I'm not doing them and just happily lying around until I realise that I'm actually not that happy lying around. LAME I think I really have issues with myself.

But yes, I am slowly understanding more about myself and the things I want in life and fight for what I want and I don't know, just be a better person and appreciate myself and the people around me. I am still truly blessed with a lot of very wonderful people in my life who had shaped the way I am today in many different ways.

Time to work hard and really make the most out of this life. 

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

This thing about memory is something that you have no control over. You can't just choose to forget something because you want to. There are some things that you try your best to forget but you just can't.

Just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I really regret not watching it earlier. It made me realise that yea, there are some things in life where no matter how hard you try to change it and alter it by simply "forgetting", somehow it will all just come back to you.

It's really interesting though because saying that you want to erase someone from your memory seems like the best way to forget the "pain and misery" that they have cost you. But the thing with erasing memory is that you forget everything about that person, including the good times. I remember wanting to erase people off my mind before but yes those were childish days HAHA but yea, now that I think about it, no. No matter what happened, each memory forms a part of our lives and shaped the way we think and the way we are at present. By simply erasing that one part of your memory, it just changes everything and you are not who you are anymore. It's just a very weird idea.

I remember discussing this with a friend on whether it's good to have it and lose it or not have it at all. Initially I said to not have it at all. But then I realise by not having it at all, it's good that you don't know what you are missing out on but there is this sense of emptiness? Because yea, you don't have it. So actually maybe having it before at least like you know what is it like to have it. And though you lose it, at least you have the memory of having it. And I believe that there are good memories to remember of it even if you lose it. Things that will make you look back and smile.

But I think the most important part of life is really just to live in the present. Sure, the past may look great, was great and seemed to be better than it is now but the thing about the past is that it won't come back. What happened in the past stays there. So the only thing we can do now is to treasure what you have now and make the best out of the future. You can't go back but you can go forward. And the future is something unexpected but yet exciting. It's scary but limitless.

I guess there is this thing with fate that you can't really control. Or rather, God's plan. Not to sound all religious and stuffs but I truly still do believe that God has a plan for everyone and it will all pan out. Right now, it all may seem a blur and confusing but I guess it's about trusting and having faith in God or whoever that you believe in that things will work out in the end.

Of course, you don't just sit there and wait for things to happen. God will only help those who help themselves. People who are actually doing something about their own lives. So I think I have no idea where I'm going with this post just that memories are important in shaping you but you shouldn't live in them. Live in the present and believing that everything will work out eventually. 

guess who's backkk

YAYYY FINALLY BACK FROM EXCHANGE but yes, I truly miss this place though. It's like I know I won't be going back there anytime in the near future. But definitely will go back again some day.

Suddenly have many feels but I will leave it to other posts 'cause I feel like I still have to settle many other stuffs first before settling this blog. Haven't been updating much because yes, travelling keeps you moving and very busy. That's why Instagram is kinda good 'cause you can just update bits of your travels more regularly.

But yea, I have been thinking of just updating here more regularly because blogging helps to clear my head actually. Or rather, typing and writing and reflecting are quite nice HAHA I guess it has really been quite awhile since I properly did a post here so it suddenly feels very refreshing.

In any case, this is really still a space for me to look back one day and laugh at how ridiculous I used to be. Or what my dear friends do. Tsk tsk. But okay lar, I really do still like blogging. It's therapy LOL

Anyway, right now being back in Singapore feels very weird and detached. Though I have been going out for the past week, it still feels a bit strange to be back? It's like the floating feeling. Like somehow though I'm back to my home ground, I still feel very floaty? Like I'm not truly back. Maybe because my room is still in a mess and my laptop too and my photos and wow, there are really many things to do and I better hell do them before school starts and not procrastinate again.

Also, need to work hard for my final year because someone never work hard enough the past 3 years. But okay, right now I am very motivated so I hope this feeling really stays. I guess after resting more and organising my stuffs together will help? I was telling someone how I think my life feels a bit messy because my room is messy. So everything just feels very messy. So yes, time to get some organising done.

And this exchange really made me learn quite a lot of things. Learned more about myself and what I want and many others. Which yea, I will sit down one day and properly type them out.

3 weeks before school starts so yess let's hope I really can settle all that I want before this final year. 

white supremacy

I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw this video about how there was an ISIS attack at Baghdad that killed about 200plus people. Yet, nobody changed their profile photo like they did for Paris, Brussels and Orlando. Nobody had hashtag #prayforbaghdad. Before this incident, there was also another attack at Istanbul airport. And the same thing too.

So yes, is it that the world only care if it happened in to the Westerners? Is it that if something happened in Western countries, it's more serious? Lives are lost. Who is to say that the value of the lives of certain people are more than others? They are all people.

That's when you realise how messed up the world is. I admit, there are times too when I tend to have a stereotype towards certain race. And when I realised what I was doing subconsciously, the feeling is quite terrible. How can you determine a person's character based purely on his or her skin colour, gender or what not? How is that fair to judge a person's behaviour based on something that he or she doesn't have a control over. They are born like that doesn't mean that belong to that stereotype. But I guess stereotype is something that we can't really control. It's just that we need to remember to look passed those stereotype and not jump to conclusions.

Idk why lately I'm posting these kind of stuffs hahahah but okay I guess, looking at all the news and being in Europe itself where this white supremacy thing is the most evident, I realise we are really living in a very scary world right now. And somehow, I just really hope that ultimately things will all get better? It's scary to think about what kind of world you will have to raise your children in in the future. I really hope that things will truly get better. That there is still some form of humanity in the world. #prayfortheworld #faithinhumanity

(Please pardon me for the incoherence in this post, my thoughts are really just all over the place right now)

where is the love

Clearly should be sleeping but happened to read something very sad about the Orlando shooting. It's the last few text messages from a son to his mother and I really cannot imagine what the mother must have felt when she received those messages.

The world is really really in a huge mess that to be honest, I really cannot express what exactly to say about it. Where is the love really. Why all these terror attacks? What exactly is the point that you are trying to prove by killing innocent lives? How does this make you achieve what you want? How does this make a world a better place? I really don't understand. It's really crazy to know that this is the kind of world that we are living in right now. Why is there so much hate?

So many questions but I have no answers for them. But okay I guess it's time to sleep and yea, probably try to type a better post next time. 

cannot believe my eyes

Too many amazing photos to last me a last time. Or rather, too many wonderful experiences. There is something special about knowing that this is a photograph that you took it yourself instead of the regular Google images. Yes, the Google images might be nicer but this one is truly your personal one. I don't really know how to say this but yea, I guess a sense of accomplishment that I was there.

AND LOOK AT THE SEA IT'S REALLY THAT COLOUR I KID YOU NOT. When I saw the colour of the sea, I was really surprised. I thought it was some movie magic when I see these kind of colours on movie or tv shows. BUT NO MAN IT'S REAL.

This exchange has been truly incredible so far. Went to so many places where my immediate reaction was just wow. Like I'm not even controlling my mouth to say it. The wow just came out very naturally every single time. Like I really just cannot believe my eyes that I'm seeing it in real life. Like this place truly exists, this building is real, this city is real. And nature is simply amazing. Truly God's amazing creation.

It's also quite frustrating how I really want to find some time to sit down and note down everything because I feel like if I don't note down, I'll forget it. But somehow, I just don't have the time. Okay, or rather somehow there is just always something else to do. But I guess you really just make time to do certain stuffs. And living and enjoying the moment at present is actually much more important than making sure you remember something. Because if something is worth remembering, you will always remember it and you don't even need photos or what not to remember.

Of course, photos are still very important and something that I'm obviously very fond of. Really do hope that my photography skills did improve a little after exchange HAHA at least I stop using Program mode and upgrade to Manual mode already WEWWW

But okay, I've really learnt quite a lot during this exchange which I'm really thankful for. And learning to be alone and enjoying my own company. Though yes, there are times when I really wish that I had someone with me. Especially the carnival at Groningen. Technically I could have gone with my housemates but 'cause I went to Italy so they went for the carnival then. A lot of times my travels resulted in me not being able to join certain activities but I guess it's okay. 'Cause yea, the travels had been amazing.

But I did think about it though. As to whether I'm missing out or not making the most out of my exchange experience. Because yea, I've been travelling a bit tad a lot and it's always with people I'm very familiar and comfortable with. And all my Singaporean friends. But I guess, every experience is different. So mine is mainly about travelling. But it's not a bad thing. And I really am enjoying it and I guess that's all that really matters. And also that I did make new friends too with my housemates and some schoolmates. So I guess that's not too bad too.

I really still miss my family and friends back in Singapore though. Though my roommate is really great and she's like an older sister to me in Groningen, I still miss my best roommate in Singapore. Especially when I needed someone to rant everything to or ask for advices. My sister really gives the best advices. I have no idea how she does it but she just does it. And my mother. I bet she miss having a driver around to drive her around instead of her having to drive everyone around. HAHA but yesss I really miss hearing her random rants about life and all that. And the father who nags over weirdest things. Which I am still very thankful about because it has became a good habit to keep.

And yes friendssss. It's really when you are alone that you realise how your friends really brighten up your days HAHA okay no lar, I knew that all along. It's just that you appreciate them more I guess? Friends who truly always have your back. And ya, Groningen is so interesting I really miss having someone to window shop random shit with. And just I don't know. But at least I found out who my travel buddies are and I honestly can't wait to take trips with them. Especially grad trip wewwww. But okay first, need to save like crazy and work. Probably gonna have to find work when I go back to Singapore if I really wanna make those trip happen. Which no, I will make them happen because I really want to ah. Sigh, why do we need money?

So yes, mega crazy thankful for my parents who are always supportive and for funding this exchange. And yes, though I travel so damn crazy lot, you guys never really scold me or say cannot or what not. Blessed with great people. Heh.

Okay, blabbing on about the same few things. I need to come up with better topics. Or at least a topic even. LOL I realise I'm really always writing whatever I think out here.

But wah, I'm honestly thinking about typing out my travel experiences properly. Not just to give to other but for myself also. But yea, I do realise also how it's important to share your experiences because I do read about other people's experiences and yea, you really gained some things from there. So it's like giving back sort of thing. A whole community of sharing experiences. But okay, that will probably take awhile so I'll see how. HAHA really too many things I wanna do after I go back Singapore and I really don't know if I'll have enough time.

Til then, I'll try to update my blog more at least heh. 

inhale, exhale

Saw this from my friend's tumblr and yes its's very apt for life. Haha! I have a feeling is she typed it out herself so credits to youuu heh

I probably might have said this before but I actually am looking forward to go back to Singapore. I'm not exactly homesick but it's just the ready to go back to do serious shit with life and everything. I think I'm really not a person who can take mega long break. Like I will feel itchy to do something real. Not that doing exchange stuffs is unreal but yea, getting back into the motion of life I guess? 'Cause yea, exchange is really a break from everything. Hence, when you study for exams and stuffs, you really have zero mood to put in a lot of effort. I kept getting distracted by many things. Like now for example. I shouldn't be posting but here I am.

Anyway, so yea, I'm not say looking forward to the craziness of life but somehow, I need that crazy? Though yes, the current life now is pretty great. Like you can sleep late, wake up late without feeling any guilt. Travel as much as you want and all. Travel, see things, take photographs. Life is very relaxing and free. I'm not complaining. It's just I guess I really miss my family. HAHA like people to go home to. 'Cause as much as this place is pretty great and nice, it's still not home. And my friendsss. Yes, I'm very thankful to have some of them who are on exchange with me as well. But it's still different though. And there are those in Singapore. Though with technology and stuffs, you can speak to them anytime you want, it's still different from being physically around them. Like I want to talk to them in person.

But yes, I know that when sch starts next sem, I'll be complaining about missing exchange and stuffs. HAHA 'cause yes, humans can never be satisfied. So right now, I should really just make the most out of my remaining 3.5 months away from home. Though yes, I need my phone soon to feel a bit more normal. Heng I have my laptop and I can never be more thankful for Telegram, Facebook, Apple and FaceTime. Wonderful creations.

And also, I need to remind myself of the things I need to "complete" before I go back to Singapore. If not, it's the same as before. LOL but okay, so far, I've learnt quite a lot from exchange which I'm really very thankful for. The experiences that I've gained were amazing. I was looking at the book that BFC gave me and all their nonsense advices. HAHA okay lar, most advices are very real and legit and yea, so far I've been living that. And yea, reading those really made me realise how I'm really very fortunate to have really amazing friends in my life. Like not just BFC. Many of my close friends. Yall know who you are lar LOL but yeaaa, I'm really blessed with very good people. So yes, thank you God for all your blessings really. Some mishaps along the way but I'm sure you have your reasons for them and yes, taking them as lessons to learn. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

gone but not completely

Still my favourite photo of the Northern Lights hehe. Legit no filter. HAHA

Anyway, things have been pretty crazy. Many things that I want to share and say but I guess one thing is that I've lost my phone. Or rather, it got stolen. I don't really know what happened to it exactly but I know it's not with me. I'm not one to lose my things easily so when I do lose something, I feel extremely frustrated and annoyed with myself. Even though it might have been theft but like I'm still damn annoyed with why I let something like that happen. But yes, it's part of growing up. At least I'm safe. Nothing bad happened. It's just my phone that is gone. Just that the photos and videos I took in Iceland and part of Amsterdam/The Hague are gone too 'cause I only back up before Iceland. =\ But it's okay!! I have nicer photos in my camera anyway and there were a lot of other cameras from Iceland trip so all is good.

Seeing the silver lining in everything. I think that's one of the traits that I'm really thankful for. It's just that yea, losing something so important to me always suck. I depend quite heavily on my phone and yes, it really never crossed my mind that I might lose it one day. Like if you know me well, you know how careful I am most of the time. But yes yes, it's gone already so must move on. I guess it's weird 'cause I didn't get to cry out properly. And I realise my coping mechanism is eating and sleeping. HAHA If I'm upset or angry, I will either eat or sleep. So okay that's not too bad.

Anyway, yesss I'm fine so it's all good. So far exchange had been really great. Though it's mainly 'cause of the travelling. Heh. Iceland had been AMAZING. Driving on the Icelandic roads had made my driving skills level up like crazy. Probably times 10 better. First, it's left hand drive. Next, it's a huge ass 9 seater vehicle (I'm quite sure I may not be allowed to drive that in Singapore with my license but Iceland they chill LOL) (But it's a Mercedes Benz so heheheh we were damn lucky to have free upgrade 'cause wah this car is durable like mad). Then, I drove in the dark, through super strong winds (heng the car damn huge and steady), through fog, through rain + dark + fog, through snow, through snow + fog, up mega steep slope while there is fog +snow that I was legit damn scared but must act like I am okay and in control. Ok, I really was in control but wah that steep slope I will never forget. 'Cause my front passengers were damn scared also but they just shut up and encourage me so thanks guys for your confidence in me. HAHA hmm what else did I drive in? Up mountains and down mountains. LOL I remember that drive was mega tiring 'cause it was a consecutive 2-3 hours drive? When I got out of the car I had a headache 'cause yes it was mega tiring. But really driving level up. So WEWWWW and omg didn't know how much I missed driving. Heh and Iceland really damn shiok to road trip. And I really love road trips. 'Cause somehow there is always something to do. LOL Idk how to say but ya. And you have your own time and all.

So I really wanna road trip again. HAHA but yes, need to save up like mad. All them grad trips. Plus random stuffs. My travel kakis. But yes, this group of people I travelled with were damn fun and wonderful and nice also. And I think one of the many plus points of this trip was that I got a lot closer to my cousin again. We really used to be damn close when we were younger but somehow sch and life got in the way. But yes, I think both of us being away on exchange together and at somewhat the same area makes it a lot nicer and yea, I think my coherence level drop again but in general, it's really a nice feeling to have my cousin with me on this trip. At first I thought it would be weird but I realise, I have very great friends and cousin who are all very nice and wonderful people hence it's a lot easier to make everyone gel together.

Sigh, so many things happened during this trip that I really want to spend time typing them out and remember them. I'll try ah. Point form time HAHA but yes, after my exams which I shd be studying now. Heh. So okay, goodbye. Thank you for reading this to all you stalkers. Okay, truly thank you for wanting to know more about my life hahahah though maybe you are bored but hopefully this has entertained you.