some nights

There will always be nights when you walk home alone and think about many things. Especially cold and windy nights. Somehow these nights give a lot of feels and yea, you start to miss people. Person, people. Things that cannot be help because they just enter your mind without your control.

So you keep yourself busy and block them out. Block out all these thoughts because right now, there are more important stuffs to think about and consider. And accept that sometimes, these thoughts will just come creeping back into your mind without your control. You just have to deal with it and accept it.

don't blame it on timing

Compatible doesn't mean you have to be together. Momentary feelings also doesn't mean you have to be together. Timing, is usually never right. Having chemistry is one thing. But timing, it never works in your favour. Most of the time.

"If you have chemistry you only need one other thing – timing, but timing’s a bitch."
- Robin Scherbatsky (HIMYM)

Timing is one thing but you shouldn't blame it on timing for things that don't work out. Because maybe it just wasn't supposed to work out in the first place. That yes, it's all just up to fate. See how fate plays out in the end. If it's meant to be, it will happen eventually. Because yea, I guess it's all part of God's plans for us. He has a master plan of how our life will be. And we have to have faith that it will lead to something great. Even if it may not seem so at times.

Faith to bring you through everything. Sometimes you really wonder when will it finally be your turn for a happily ever after. Especially on days when you walk home from a tiring day. And especially VALENTINE DAY. Yes, this day where somehow you are just more aware of how you are single.  But you know, you don't freaking hell need to be attached. You don't always need another person to make you happy.

Because first, you need to make yourself happy. You gotta build up yourself before everything else. Because people who are sure of what they want in life are the most attractive. And hell, you don't do stuffs because you want to attract others attention. You do stuffs for yourself. You don't owe anyone a living and you sure don't need to prove anything to anyone. When you do things, you do it for yourself.

I guess yes, I will be lying if I say that there are times when I really hope that there is some stupid guy there to hear all my rants and to stand up for me and to comfort me when I'm feeling tired or sad or all emotions haywired. That there will be someone who can calm me down and slow down my walking pace. Someone to hold me firm and just be there for me.

Of course you want that sometimes. But that doesn't mean you need it. And that doesn't mean you should rush into things that you aren't sure of. And that doesn't mean that you should try because the thing with trying is that you can end up getting really really hurt instead. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat who doesn't really believe in trying. But somehow, I still firmly believe that when it is the right one, you don't have to "try". As in you do. But somehow, it will be a more certain feeling. You won't ponder so much and think so much. You don't consider so much. 

Right now, I actually don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. Because I haven't sort out my own life yet. I am still in the midst of figuring out what I want to do. Ok, no one ever does figure that out but at least have some sort of directions and goals because I know that right now, I'm still uncertain. I guess it's better now though 'cause at least I have some sort of clearer direction as I was one year ago. But yes, there is still a lot more to improve on. I know I'm not that kind of aimless person and I want to be someone who knows what she wants in life and work hard for it.

And I shouldn't require some person to come and help me figure it out. I need to figure this out by myself. With God's help. Then after that, I guess it will all fall in place maybe? And even if it doesn't, do you really need to have someone in your life to make you happy? I guess yes, of course I want to have a boyfriend. Who doesn't? I mean yea, I want to get married and have kids all. But I guess I need to trust in God and have faith that my person will come into my life soon. Or that yea, he will just appear someday.

So yes, this Valentines' Day, I actually don't feel alone. Haha! As in seriously. Ok, of course there will be times when you get slightly envious, especially when you open Instagram and it's flooded with many vday stuffs. But then, you remember how you have a family who love you so dearly and friends who will stand by you no matter what. And then you will realise that hey, I'm alright. I have pretty great people in my life already and yea, it's good enough for me. That boy, will come someday ah. Haha! Just gotta be patient and focus my attention on myself instead of waiting for him to come. 

that first time

[ Just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby ]

For The First Time - The Script

My favourite part of the song. And my favourite song from them. Okay actually, I really like a lot of songs from them. They are really good omg. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THEIR CONCERT. And especially so because the day before their concert is my last paper for finals. So it's like double celebration. Seriously can't wait. 

And somehow this part of the song always gives me the feels.

And that feeling when you meet someone for the first time. Ok lar, honestly, I don't remember a lot of my first meeting with my friends. HAHA! As in nothing very very special. But I guess what really matters more is after that first meeting. And how they became very important people in my life afterwards. 

But yes, I really hate how life sometimes just doesn't work out the way you hope to. And how I don't know, the heart is a complicated thing. The mind is also another complicated thing. Everything. Is just really complicated and strange. And I don't know. I am really frustrated. At how things work and don't work. How at times I really feel like being all gutsy and say the things I want to say and do the things I want to do. The times when I'm just like you know what heck it, how long do I have to wait. But then I will stop and think. And that fear of rejection. And then the realisation of how important it is for me not to do rash stuffs like these. How the rational me comes in to play.

It sucks sometimes though. Like at times I really hope that somehow I can be more decisive and determined and straightforward and I don't know. Be braver. Be more daring. But nope. I'm not that. And I can't. When you think about what you may end up forsaking, you get scared. But honestly, sometimes you really wonder what exactly is there to lose? A lot of things actually. But are these things really important? Yes they are. But, freak why are you making yourself feel all confused? 

Too long. Too damn freaking long. I always thought I was cool with it already but somehow it keeps crawling back. This fate. I really thought it ended. I think it really did actually. But somehow, it always still found its way into my brain. Like I don't have enough things to think about.

I need something to jolt me back to my senses. Something to just stop me. I don't know. Ok maybe I really just don't know what exactly do I truly want. I think that's the problem. I don't really know what I want. I'll usually let things go naturally. But I'm tired of it too. Ok I don't know. Maybe it's a 21 year old thing. Something you will somehow think about after turning 21. When you realise how far you have come in life. And the things you have not done. Pretty scary.

21. OK, I shouldn't let age determine anything. Shouldn't let numbers affect me. 21 is just a number. Don't think of all the things you haven't complete yet. Remember the things that you have done. The memories that you have made. 

"What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."

I really like this part of the quote. I think this was from quote shared by Mr Phang. Every time when I read this part of the quote, somehow it gives me this strange feeling. Because it's really true I guess. How we have lived is truly more important and yea, just need to stop thinking so much and just see how it all goes. I mean yea, we have control over our lives but some stuffs are still beyond our control and I guess that's what makes life more exciting and worth looking forward to.

reluctance

I know that moving out is really a sooner or later thing but it really sucks. Like now that I realise I'm really not gonna have anything here to shift over soon, it just sucks. So I'm trying my best to not shift some stuffs so that there is a reason to come back. HAHA! Though me and my sister are still staying here 'cause of wifi. Which isn't a complete excuse 'cause we really do need wifi to do work.

But anyway, though I've really accepted that we are going to shift, there is still this strong reluctance. 15 years here leh. No joke really. I mean yea, some people stay longer but to me, these 15 years were really like the moments? And not to me too. HAHA! It's honestly quite funny how my friends felt sad too when I sent them the photo of my big empty living room. I mean yea, they have been very much part of this house too since they came here very often too. But yes, change isn't a completely bad thing. Though it's less than 1km away. HAHA! Yes, I went to Google map it and I realise it's less than 1km. I thought there was at least 1km but apparently not.

And I don't know, it's just this really strong reluctance suddenly. I guess it's really when you know you are really going to shift permanently and have no reason to come back to the old house. Though there are still some stuffs here and there but not so much. After the wifi stops working on 3rd Feb, my sis and I have no more excuses already. =\ And yes, means we will return back to our new house instead of coming here at the end of everyday. It's gonna be so weird.

I already miss my bed omg. I really have strong attachment issues. And I think partly 'cause it's so near to each other that you really don't feel like you are movin.g And it feels so easy to just come back here to sleep instead. It's a 5-10mins walking distance. So it's really nothing. But still really very different feeling.  I guess maybe after shifting my important things over (which are still here with me in the old house because I'm still at the old house), I will feel more at home in the new house? Maybe ah. My green walls though. =(

And it really sucks 'cause I wanna decorate my room and stuffs too but really no time now. I guess it's really kinda a wrong time to shift that's why I'm feeling like that. And too damn sudden. Less than one month since I know we were shifting house sia. And with school and everything, it's crazy.

And yes speaking of school, I really am quite scared. Because people are very smart. And it's really scary. I used to not think so much about competition and stuffs but I come to realise it really matters. But yes, I will still work hard and just try my best and see how it goes. Ok lar, that is honestly the only thing I can do so oh well, we'll see how!!

But ok lar, change isn't a completely bad thing. The view there isn't that bad too. And yes, good reflection place where you can see all the trees and blue sky and I think if you look really closely, you can see stars at night too. And sunrise apparent! According to my mama. So yes, ain't that bad.

And we still have a few more months until the old house will be confirmed sold so I guess I can still come back here sometimes if I want to. Sigh, I'm really just looking around my house and feeling this pang of sadness I don't even know why.

greatest

She is really the superwoman in this family and I really love her a lot. And I realise how similar we are as I grow older. LOL! I mean yes, she is my mother so naturally you will get some of her traits. But we really think quite similar and yes, I'm glad to have her around no matter what. Sure, we have our disagreements but somehow it will always be alright?

I guess yea. that's what family is. You have your disagreements but ultimately, you guys are family so no matter what, blood is really still thicker than anything else. No matter how annoyed I can feel with my family, I will still love them more than staying angry with them.

This is a very random post but yes I guess family is really just annoying but freaking hell important. 21 years with them and yes, I'm truly thankful to be born into this family. Regardless of how annoying they can be, I really think my parents have done a prety great in raising my sister and me and my sister for her good influence over me.

My support system since 1994 ♥

spacious

Looking at how big and empty my living room is now without the sofa, it finally makes us moving very real. Though my sister and I are still staying in the old house 'cause we aren't gonna move our bed over.

Seriously them feels. =/ 15 years in this house with super load of memories and I really can't bear to part with this big big awesome house. With nice view and great location. =( ok mainly our big room. Just nice to the two of us with the most unique design. Really gonna miss this place so much. 

Can't believe we are really actually moving. Feels so surreal and untrue. But yes, we really are moving. Sigh. Okok some change is good and I think this change isn't completely bad. Just different and freaking troublesome. And ok time to sleep. I'll post more too 'cause I'm finally 21 years old. Haha!  

what's another 20, 30 more years?

Since I have them feels now, I better type it out before they are gone. Though I'm quite sure these feeling won't ever go away. HAHA!

Honestly, this group of friends aren't exactly the ones that I had chosen. Because back then, we were just primary school kids whose idea of friendship is very simple and very easy. As long as you sit beside me, you are my friend. So technically, we didn't choose each other as friends but freak, I seriously cannot thank God enough for blessing me these incredible bunch.

14 years, 12 years, 10years. We have really come so far. So damn freaking far. And at age 21 (Ok fine, I'm not yet 21 but soon in a few more days), you can't help thinking back at your past 21 years and I'm so so grateful to have these people in my life. They have impacted me in so many ways, small or big. And I really love how our values are the same and I don't know. How we are different but similar. How we can still come together despite our many differences. And how I don't know. I guess this friendship is really one that I hold on to very dear since the beginning but back then, my purpose of holding on is very different from right now.

Come to think of it, back then I really have no idea why did I bother so much to keep the class together. I guess somehow whatever things that Mr Phang said to us during those 4 years manage to get drilled into my head. 'Cause I remember how he will always say stuffs like wanting us to keep in touch and all that. And somehow, I'll always bother. I really have no idea why. Because to be honest, I wasn't close to many people in the class back then. It's like somewhere, somehow, deep inside me, I know that they are important. And I know that they are worth every bit of effort to keep in contact with. That somehow, they are just gonna be important people in my life. Maybe I have foresight. Haha!

But yes, they are honestly still the people where I can be myself completely. How they judge me but they still love me. HAHA! I don't know. We just really embrace all our flaws and accept our differences. And enjoy each others company. True, as we grow older, meeting up and all that will keep getting harder. But to be true, I really have a strong feeling that this friendship will go really far. Easy fact is that we stay near each other but somehow, I know that we will make time for each other no matter what. That we will invite each other to each others weddings. And when our children are born.

I remember saying how we will form a "mini 6H" with our children when we grow older with Faeqa and Swap. And at that point of time, though we really meant it, it's different from right now. True, things may change, people can change. But honestly, 8 years since we graduated, most of us went different places and all that but look where we are now. We are still friends. And not just normal friends but close friends. Friends who will really stick by each other no matter what. Yes, along the way, the group became smaller. But, the ones who stayed are the ones that truly matter. And to be true, these people are really just freaking dear to me. So anyway, LOL! I realise I digress but yes, the possibility of us meeting up together with our family and children is honestly very very possible. Like I'm not even kidding. Because freak, we have made it through 8 years. 8 freaking years. It's a long time. And these 8 years are the ones where I think our personality develop the most.

Yet, we are still friends. Better yet, we became even closer friends. Our friendship really just keeps growing stronger and stronger and I guess that's why I love these people so much. It's rare to find these people and I wasn't given a choice too. For them, I didn't choose them to be my friends initially but I choose them as the friends who I want to continue to keep in touch for a long long time. And I guess that was the difference that I made. That somehow the young me decided to plan all these gatherings and outings.

And yes, looking back, this is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in life so far. Not that I have lived a very long life but aiya, they are just really mad important. Like I can really be annoyed with them but at the end of the day, I still love them more than I hate them. HAHA! Ok lar, I won't ever hate them. They are just my #BFC forever. (BFC means Bad Friends Club because we are horrible to each other despite doing such nice stuffs from time to time) But actually, we secretly love each other a lot but it's too damn gross to be all mushy 'cause we are just like sarcastic humans.

Anyway, so gist today was I knew that I was gonna meet them but I didn't know for what and yes, it's annoying. But I just let them plan all first. So somehow Swap managed to convince me that we were going on a food trail which I really bought it I have no idea why. I think my brain never think properly I don't know ah.

But yes, so today I went out expecting a food trail thing but I had to drop by my new house to deposit some stuffs with Faeqa. So when I opened the door to my new house, I saw like some strange people at home and I just stun. At first I thought there was some construction work going on at my new house and my parents forgot to tell me. Then I realised I know those faces. LOL! Like it's really legit stun. I'm just like huh I don't get it. I really don't get it. Lol!

Oh and the best part was they didn't even meant it for a surprise. HAHA! Like they really let slip a lot of times but I didn't catch. And somehow I just really believed in whatever they said. But ok, I do know that I was gonna meet them today. Just that not at my new house. 'Cause I was really all excited to show them my new house 'cause the view is really quite nice and super windy. So ok lar, I'm excited to stay there. It's just the moving part that is damn pain in the ass.

Anyway, so yep had cake pizza and many stuffs HAHA! I'll probably post up the photos proper next time 'cause slightly lazy now. Heh. But yes, really thankful for these annoying yet freaking important bunch of people in my life.

missed chances

"But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives. "

Norwegian Wood (Haruki Murakami)

What if somehow, you just don't see the chance given to you when it's right in front of you? What if you are that blind to not see that what you want is just right before your eyes? What if because of your blindness, you missed the chance, and never have a second one? What if you didn't even know the chance that was given right in front of you, missed it and is still wondering when will you have your chance, when will it be your turn? How can we not let go of the chance when we don't even see them? Then how will we know when we are given a chance?

There is a reason why we missed our chances. Because yes, somehow it's just not meant to be. But what if it's really out of blindness? That you are so caught up in something else that you just missed the things that are right in front of you.

But I guess this is something that we will never know. Because we already missed it. Fate falls short sometimes.  Once it's gone, you can't find it back anymore. So just look forward. And stop freaking wondering and pondering and being freaking frustrating at the possibility of you missing your chance. Because you already missed it and that's too bad. Yes, sometimes you can't help looking back and feel freaking frustrated at the past. But honestly, there is nothing you can do anymore. Things already happened this way. You can't do anything to change what has already happened.

Life isn't about the past. It's about the present and the future. There isn't any point in looking back at the things that happened in the past and feel all sad and emotional about them. What's done is done. So just stop looking back and looking freaking forward. And hold on to the people who you know will be there for you as you move forward. Who will always be alongside you and support you and just give you strength when you need them. Treasure this people because they are all that it truly matters.