inhale, exhale

Saw this from my friend's tumblr and yes its's very apt for life. Haha! I have a feeling is she typed it out herself so credits to youuu heh

I probably might have said this before but I actually am looking forward to go back to Singapore. I'm not exactly homesick but it's just the ready to go back to do serious shit with life and everything. I think I'm really not a person who can take mega long break. Like I will feel itchy to do something real. Not that doing exchange stuffs is unreal but yea, getting back into the motion of life I guess? 'Cause yea, exchange is really a break from everything. Hence, when you study for exams and stuffs, you really have zero mood to put in a lot of effort. I kept getting distracted by many things. Like now for example. I shouldn't be posting but here I am.

Anyway, so yea, I'm not say looking forward to the craziness of life but somehow, I need that crazy? Though yes, the current life now is pretty great. Like you can sleep late, wake up late without feeling any guilt. Travel as much as you want and all. Travel, see things, take photographs. Life is very relaxing and free. I'm not complaining. It's just I guess I really miss my family. HAHA like people to go home to. 'Cause as much as this place is pretty great and nice, it's still not home. And my friendsss. Yes, I'm very thankful to have some of them who are on exchange with me as well. But it's still different though. And there are those in Singapore. Though with technology and stuffs, you can speak to them anytime you want, it's still different from being physically around them. Like I want to talk to them in person.

But yes, I know that when sch starts next sem, I'll be complaining about missing exchange and stuffs. HAHA 'cause yes, humans can never be satisfied. So right now, I should really just make the most out of my remaining 3.5 months away from home. Though yes, I need my phone soon to feel a bit more normal. Heng I have my laptop and I can never be more thankful for Telegram, Facebook, Apple and FaceTime. Wonderful creations.

And also, I need to remind myself of the things I need to "complete" before I go back to Singapore. If not, it's the same as before. LOL but okay, so far, I've learnt quite a lot from exchange which I'm really very thankful for. The experiences that I've gained were amazing. I was looking at the book that BFC gave me and all their nonsense advices. HAHA okay lar, most advices are very real and legit and yea, so far I've been living that. And yea, reading those really made me realise how I'm really very fortunate to have really amazing friends in my life. Like not just BFC. Many of my close friends. Yall know who you are lar LOL but yeaaa, I'm really blessed with very good people. So yes, thank you God for all your blessings really. Some mishaps along the way but I'm sure you have your reasons for them and yes, taking them as lessons to learn. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

gone but not completely

Still my favourite photo of the Northern Lights hehe. Legit no filter. HAHA

Anyway, things have been pretty crazy. Many things that I want to share and say but I guess one thing is that I've lost my phone. Or rather, it got stolen. I don't really know what happened to it exactly but I know it's not with me. I'm not one to lose my things easily so when I do lose something, I feel extremely frustrated and annoyed with myself. Even though it might have been theft but like I'm still damn annoyed with why I let something like that happen. But yes, it's part of growing up. At least I'm safe. Nothing bad happened. It's just my phone that is gone. Just that the photos and videos I took in Iceland and part of Amsterdam/The Hague are gone too 'cause I only back up before Iceland. =\ But it's okay!! I have nicer photos in my camera anyway and there were a lot of other cameras from Iceland trip so all is good.

Seeing the silver lining in everything. I think that's one of the traits that I'm really thankful for. It's just that yea, losing something so important to me always suck. I depend quite heavily on my phone and yes, it really never crossed my mind that I might lose it one day. Like if you know me well, you know how careful I am most of the time. But yes yes, it's gone already so must move on. I guess it's weird 'cause I didn't get to cry out properly. And I realise my coping mechanism is eating and sleeping. HAHA If I'm upset or angry, I will either eat or sleep. So okay that's not too bad.

Anyway, yesss I'm fine so it's all good. So far exchange had been really great. Though it's mainly 'cause of the travelling. Heh. Iceland had been AMAZING. Driving on the Icelandic roads had made my driving skills level up like crazy. Probably times 10 better. First, it's left hand drive. Next, it's a huge ass 9 seater vehicle (I'm quite sure I may not be allowed to drive that in Singapore with my license but Iceland they chill LOL) (But it's a Mercedes Benz so heheheh we were damn lucky to have free upgrade 'cause wah this car is durable like mad). Then, I drove in the dark, through super strong winds (heng the car damn huge and steady), through fog, through rain + dark + fog, through snow, through snow + fog, up mega steep slope while there is fog +snow that I was legit damn scared but must act like I am okay and in control. Ok, I really was in control but wah that steep slope I will never forget. 'Cause my front passengers were damn scared also but they just shut up and encourage me so thanks guys for your confidence in me. HAHA hmm what else did I drive in? Up mountains and down mountains. LOL I remember that drive was mega tiring 'cause it was a consecutive 2-3 hours drive? When I got out of the car I had a headache 'cause yes it was mega tiring. But really driving level up. So WEWWWW and omg didn't know how much I missed driving. Heh and Iceland really damn shiok to road trip. And I really love road trips. 'Cause somehow there is always something to do. LOL Idk how to say but ya. And you have your own time and all.

So I really wanna road trip again. HAHA but yes, need to save up like mad. All them grad trips. Plus random stuffs. My travel kakis. But yes, this group of people I travelled with were damn fun and wonderful and nice also. And I think one of the many plus points of this trip was that I got a lot closer to my cousin again. We really used to be damn close when we were younger but somehow sch and life got in the way. But yes, I think both of us being away on exchange together and at somewhat the same area makes it a lot nicer and yea, I think my coherence level drop again but in general, it's really a nice feeling to have my cousin with me on this trip. At first I thought it would be weird but I realise, I have very great friends and cousin who are all very nice and wonderful people hence it's a lot easier to make everyone gel together.

Sigh, so many things happened during this trip that I really want to spend time typing them out and remember them. I'll try ah. Point form time HAHA but yes, after my exams which I shd be studying now. Heh. So okay, goodbye. Thank you for reading this to all you stalkers. Okay, truly thank you for wanting to know more about my life hahahah though maybe you are bored but hopefully this has entertained you. 

Experiences

Second time I'm camping at the Schipol Airport but this time alone hahaha idk what guts I have or rather, I kinda forget abt the flight timing and happily book my cheap tickets LOL but okay I guess. Very good thing about this airport is that is generally quite safe. Okay it is safe. LOL there are actually quite a lot of other people camping at the airport cause of morning flights and quite a few of them are the elderly. I have no idea why they are doing this and actually, maybe I should talk to them to find out. But okay, I'm not that extroverted. HAHA but yes, I know it's kinda safe 'cause this guy from the airport security asked to check my boarding pass because he was saying the airport is closed from 12am to 4am and only reserve for passengers. So yes, they make sure the real hobos don't loiter  around. Though it's quite sad 'cause they really have no where to go ah. 

Anyway, so yes, it's 2am now and I have a long way to go to 5.30am before I can start to enter the departure halls. But of course I'm well prepared with many things to do like reading my book and notes HAHA see, bringing books to exchange is not a bad idea at all. But yes, I should probably get on to it. And shows!! Yes that's for in case I don't have the mood to do anything that takes a toll on the mind. But somehow now I'm in the mood to read a book so wow, that's very good HAHA and reflection. Okay, that one I a bit lazy. But yea, generally exchange has been great so far. Though it feels like I'm travelling more than actually exchanging. But I guess I'm really still very grateful for the people whom I've met so far. They are all pretty great and nice. My housemates are awesome. So all's well. 

But okay, some thoughts I had the other day and hence I'll share it on here for my regular stalkers HAHA 

" I told myself that 2016 is gonna be a selfish year. But I'm still doing many things that are not selfish. They aren't selfless, they are just not selfish HAHA idk if that makes sense. But yes, I guess it's not completely a bad thing too? Being not selfish is just part of my traits. And I guess part of my best traits also. So it's really not a bad thing. But of course, cannot get taken advantage of so I'm glad for friends who don't take advantage of it and truly appreciate the gestures. Saying thank you and sorry goes a long way. Even if they are said too often, it's still better than not saying at all. I think that's why I often always say these two things. Because yes, though the other person knows you are thankful and all, saying it still makes a different. Affirmation I guess HAHA I think I'm really a person who believes in affirmation a lot. I think it's my parents ah. Forever affirm me until I think I need it too often HAHA but yes, not blaming them because I believe affirmation is important also. It doesn't need to be super crazy often but when it's necessary, do it. 

This exchange so far has given me quite a lot of lessons to learn and I'm learning quite a lot about myself and people around me. And also be more appreciative. Yes, not even two months in but I've gained quite a lot. And I think everything is really on your mindset and your view. Strong in the mind. I think I'm pretty strong hehe. Not to self praise but yes, people who know me will agree lar ah. HAHA #affirmation 

But I guess one thing that I'm still mega crazy thankful for is my parents. Because they are the ones who instill such mindset to me since young and have the biggest influence on me. My sister also. My family in general. And this whole exchange trip is also them. Like they are the ones paying for it and all and yea, it's really they who gave me this opportunity to know more about myself and all. And trust. Their faith and trust in me is so strong that I, myself will be thinking like hello parents? Y'all really cool with this. 

So yes, when I go back Singapore, I'll be a better daughter and sister to these three most important people to me in the world ❤️"

Okay, reading time 👍 and in case y'all miss my face 

one life so love what you do

I was at the train station waiting for the train when I saw the train conductor and I don't know why I have this sudden thought of how important it is to love the job that you do. Take the train conductor for instance. His job isn't exactly as fun having to go around checking people's tickets and stuffs. Maybe the pay is good but yea, even if the pay is good, I still think it's very important to love the job that you do. Finding joy in just whatever you are doing no matter how boring it can be. 

Of course, if you realise that you are truly no happy with it no matter how hard you try to love it, then maybe it's time to leave the job and find a new one. But somehow I believe that if we psych ourselves to love the job, we will eventually find the great and wonderful things about it. Yes yes, finding some positivity in a negative situation. Hahaha sometimes I really think I'm too overly positive but it truly makes you a happier person? But of course there are times when you can't help feeling pretty annoyed with yourself when you find situations where you just feel really down. 

But okay ah, good thing is that I really cannot stay sad or angry for long. Somehow it will always pass by very quickly so I guess that's a good thing. 

Anyway, once again I digress HAHA but okay I guess this job thing is pretty real 'cause I'm gonna graduate next year and entering the workforce truly scares me. You really don't know what will happen but I guess I just hope everything will fall into place somehow. But yes, I'll worry about that in due time.

Right now, Netherlands awaits hehe or rather, Europe awaits HAHA seriously very excited and yes, I'll try to blog more and update my life and give people chance to stalk. Tsk tsk.

REMINDERS

I hope that Blogger has the pin post tap so that I can use it for posts to remind myself. But anyway, so this post shall be my to-go post when I'm feeling upset or angry or whatever.

First, always ALWAYS remember that there is truly more to life than just getting good grades, getting good jobs and getting into relationship. Value add to this world. Make a difference and help others. In small ways or big ways. Small things will always add up into something greater. Smile more and care more. Strangers may not be people you know but if you see someone who can use some help, help them. Because in times of trouble and you are all alone, you will appreciate the help from strangers as well.

Second, once you make a decision to do something, go through with it. Don't look back, don't waiver. If you decided not to do something, don't do it. Yes, it may be a missed opportunity, you may regret it someday or look back and wonder why didn't you do something else instead. But there is a reason why you didn't do it. There is a reason why things didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Yes, you may not know the reasons now exactly, but eventually you will and even if you don't know the reasons at the end of it, you can still live a great and wonderful life without knowing the reason. Knowing everything isn't always the best thing. And sometimes not knowing is actually better. So when you decide on something, stay firm and on track to it. Things that are meant to happen will eventually. Some things are truly just beyond your control. So just believe that things will always work out for the best ultimately.

Third, put yourself first. It is not about being selfish or egoist and all that. You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. If you are a mess and you try to help other and all, they won't exactly hear you because they can see that you are a mess too. So take care of yourself, look out for yourself. If you are tired, say so. Don't live this life with an incessant need to please people. You have to accept that there will be times when it's hard to make everyone happy. And they will have to deal with it. You are not living this life to fix every single problem. You are not some fixer (or rather pretend to be fixer). If ever you want to fix anyone, fix yourself first.

Fourth, don't be influenced to do something that you really don't feel like doing. Yes, there is the thing about trying new things and pushing boundaries and doing things that you never thought you will do. But there are also things that you have set your mind in not doing. Like it kinda goes against your values and morals and what not? Ok, not so dramatic but yea, things that you know you truly really don't want to do. Don't do it just because everyone else is doing and it makes you lame for not doing. Like I realised I usually really don't exactly care about what people think about me. But yea, there are times when I do. LOL but yes, really just don't do it. Just do something else instead. I'm very sure there are a lot of other things you can do. You are not a follower.

Fifth, be open to new experiences and new friends. Yes, this may seem to contradict the previous paragraph but I guess I'm talking about the more non-going-against-your-values experiences. Things that you can still go for it and try. I'm actually really very very excited for these new experiences. Though it's gonna be scary and needs some getting use to, but I believe that it will be great and I truly can't wait.

Sixth, of course, still appreciate and love those who love you. There are times where you get annoyed at those who you love but I guess it's really why you love them? HAHA cause yes, people I love annoy me. Like my family. I swear they really just have their ways in making me very very annoyed with them. But yea, I realise I'm still a person who very much needs people around. Like I do gather my energy from them. But of course, I need to retreat into my own space also. Lol! I didn't really realise I need that until recently. I kept wondering why I feel so tired and drained to realise that yea, I didn't have much time alone. But yes, okay, I still really appreciate and love the many wonderful people in my life so it's all great.

Okay, I would think that's all for now but I will add on if I remember more HAHA 

two thousand and fifteen

IT'S A NEW YEAR!! 

But I'm not feeling that it's actually a new year. LOL And I think it's partly 'cause I haven't do a proper end of the year reflection thing that I'll try to do every year. So here's my time to properly reflect heh.

2015 had been a confusing year. It feels like two different parts actually. Like Jan to April felt very distant from May to December. It's like Year 2 Sem 2 and then Summer + Year 3 Sem 1. Which is also technically pre internship period and internship period. LOL So okay I think I can understand why it feels so different. It just feels like time went by in a flash from May to December. So many things happened. 

But anyway, I guess this year I gained a lot of enlightenments about life and myself and everything. The year of turning twenty first. HAHA so being 21 years old actually doesn't feel any different. But birthdays are always the time when you realise who are the friends who truly care a lot about you. 'Cause they will make the effort to do shit during your birthdays. HAHA but I still truly appreciate all the stuffs that yall do for me. I know I'm really blessed with many incredible people in my life. 

I guess moving house impact me quite a bit and that's why everything feels like a blur and kinda messy from Jan to April. Like disoriented somehow LOL okay not really just yea, confusing. But I still have my fun and stuffs so it's all cool.

Okay, I think I shall try to organise this post into various impactful things this year HAHA try ah try. I realise I'm really a very messy person. Okay I'm quite sure I can actually write a nice and good reflection. It's just more hard work heh

Internship

So internship period. I truly gained a lot from the experience. Learnt a lot more about myself and how I do stuffs and learn how I need to improve and become better in this field. There is a lot that I still need to learn and work on but I'm pretty damn sure that this is the right industry for me so I'm really very glad and happy. I finally found my direction after being confused for about 1 and a half years in uni. And doing something I can see myself doing and I can see myself enjoying it as well. I'm truly thankful. 

And of course, meeting my boss and knowing the people at Tata Communications. They are truly one of my biggest takeaways in 2015. 8 months working at the company; the attachment to the place is very real. So I guess if given the opportunity to work with my boss again, I will definitely go for it. Because yea, I really like my boss. Haha! Super rare to find a boss that you like and can really talk to. Hearing her talk about HR stuffs and all really affirmed my decision to pursue this industry. 

I guess I'm just really thankful and grateful to her for seeing some potential in me and giving me this opportunity to work with her. That's when I realise that sincerity truly plays a part during interviews. Not saying that I wasn't sincere in other interviews but during my interview with her, I really felt like I was having a conversation with her instead of a proper interview. LOL so yea, I guess that's how and why I got chosen to be her intern. Though I'm still really curious as to why she decided to hire me instead of other people. But I guess there are some stuffs you just have to trust that she chose you because she saw the potential in you. And I'm truly thankful for her because she'll push me to do better and become better. I really count my blessings to have met her and yep, I really hope that we will stay in contact. 

And I think from this internship I also developed and grew a lot. Like even my boss and everyone can tell the difference from when I first came in to where I am now. They saw my growth and I can see the improvements too. That's why I'm truly thankful for this internship that really shaped me into a much more confident person. Of course, I still need to build up my confidence a lot more but I can see that it's all getting better so it's a step forward. 

Sigh, I feel that I'm really just blabbering away again but it's really hard to phrase them all nicely into words LOL as in like yeaaaa I'm just really happy and glad to be a part of Tata Communications for the past 8 months and met really nice and friendly people during my time there. Couldn't ask for a better place for my internship. =) And ohya, it was supposed to be a 3 months internship stint. But somehow my boss managed to convince me to stay on all the way until December LOL or rather, circumstances and all. But yes, it's truly incredible though. Like I'm really thankful that I actually did stay on and got to know some of my colleagues even better. 

New Friends

As you grow older, it's harder to make new good and solid friendships. But this year, I managed to make quite a few more good new friends unexpectedly. I mean, I didn't make friends with the intention of just keeping it superficial and stuffs. Usually when I meet someone new, I will still try to make the effort to know the person. But of course, it all depends on the group dynamics and your chemistry with the person and circumstances and what not. Ever since uni started, I actually did make some good friends LOL but okay I guess 'cause usually those friendships were made tgt with an old friend. Like Felicia, Jiesi or Lingli. So there is someone familiar with you to make new good friendship together with. Like most of my new closer uni friends before this year were all in groups where they are in as well. Like BGS and Thug Life and Econs friends. 

But this year I made close friends on my own!! HAHA okay it sounds a bit strange but yea, it's really incredible how fate works? How there are just some people who are meant to be in your life. Like two of my friends from internship are in SMU Econs and same year as me and were in the same class as me for two mods respectively in year 2 sem 2. But I only know them during internship. LOL it's pretty incredible and interesting how fate works. It's like people who are meant to be a part of your life will be eventually. And yes, they became some of my closer friends in SMU as well. Mostly 'cause during the summer internship, we saw each other everyday and lunch together and work together on several projects. Like the interns really helped me out a lot and I'm very very thankful for them. And yea, that's why there is some similarity and stuffs. And it's amazing how we think quite similarly? Probably because we came from similar backgrounds and westies. HAHA I know it shouldn't matter but somehow it kinda still does 'cause there is some sort of familiarity. And also, after internship I bid the same module with those 2 also so yea, probably why we got closer too ah. HAHA 

But there are some people you can just click with them very quickly without you knowing. It's weird 'cause you kinda barely know them but somehow you just feel very comfortable around them. I would think it's partly circumstantial but it's also fate. And I'm really thankful for these new friends. To be honest, I still feel a bit skeptical on whether this friendship will last but I guess I need to remember to not be too over attached to every single friendships I have. Yes, I've realised that I really tend to have high expectations on friendships sometimes. Even with old friends. Actually, especially with old friends LOL but okay, I'll save this for the old friends section HAHA 

Anyway, so yea, beside those two from internship, there's also another girl from internship as well who is also from SMU and I got closer to during internship. So yes, I think my internship is really great 'cause I really forged pretty good new friendship heh. 

And also my new HR friends who I can work so well together with. It's pretty rare for pre-assigned group to become so tight and close but we did and I'm so super thankful. Like I cannot image how it would have been like if I was pre-assigned to another group. Somehow the 6 of us can complement and click with each other very well. We are full of nonsense but also can get things done. And I don't know, it's just really rare to have such a good pre-assigned group. Like somehow we can just click damn well. And they are really hilarious people who bring a lot of laughter into my life heh so I'm really thankful for this new group of really incredible friends. 

So yes, I do believe that in uni, you can still make true and real friendships. Like I'm really thankful for Thug Life also. Though I'm not close to every single one of them but it's always fun to hang out with them and enjoy each other's company. And it's really a whole big group of us. LOL like some OG group but the way our group was formed is really quite interesting. All because of one guy who decided to bring all his friends together because he lazy to meet all in separate groups HAHA not bad ah.  

It's hard to find people who you can click with so easily and be so comfortable with. So once you find them, make the effort to hold on to the friendship. Even if it can be tiring sometimes. I guess it's just interesting how there are some people you really just know them for a short while but it really feels like you know them for more than just a few months. Because yea, I've gotten too used to my old friends that I didn't think that I could actually be so comfortable around my new friends as well LOL sounds strange but yea I guess it's really just people you can click with. It's amazing though. How some people are just bound to be a part of your life. 

Old Friends

All them oldies are goldies hehe. I'm always very thankful for all of them because I know that at the end of the day, they will really be here for you. When you need them they will be here. It's like tested and proven to be reliable HAHA They have seen most of the different sides of you and really know you pretty damn well. I know that yea, I'm really blessed with quite a few group of friends who I know will still be a part of my life in the next 10 years. I know in 10 years many things can and will change but that's how confident I am in those friendships. I may not meet up with them very often but I guess what really matters is the quality of the time spent together. 

And idk, in this digital age, it really makes it way easier to stay in touch with each other. All the social media platforms truly help. So even though everyone may be all over the world, there are ways to bring everyone together through the incredible platform called the Internet. Seriously the best invention ever LOL without it there won't be Google Hangout or Skype to call each other from all over the world and across different timezones. This is something I truly appreciate since uni started when everyone starts to be in different parts of the world. Even in Singapore, it's always getting harder to meet up. Life really gets in the way. 

So all my old friends I'm truly thankful and grateful that you guys are still a part of my life. That you never left despite time and everything =)

But yes, this year I also learned to have lesser expectations of your friends. Not in the bad way. It's true that you will have some form of expectations no matter what but it shouldn't reach the point where it affects yourself and the other person? I guess disappointment is something you will bound to feel when you have expectations. But yea, you shouldn't let this disappointment affect you too much and affect the other person as well. More importantly the other person because they didn't really do anything wrong. It's just in your head you expect more from them? Okay I think this part I'm still learning and understanding more HAHA hence, it's not very coherent.

And I need to stop trying to fix everything because there are some things that you can't really fix so you just have to deal with it as it is and try your best to make things better? And accept that there are things that are beyond your control. Yep, something I think I still have much to learn but I can see myself improving. 

Family

I'm beginning to appreciate the time spent with my parents more and more. I think it's also partly 'cause they are starting to become more needy somehow. LOL okay maybe not actually. They are still freaking independent but yea, I guess this year they really travel A LOT. So whenever they are back in Singapore, I'll always try to make the effort to spend more time with them. And also maybe 'cause I'm gonna be away for 6 months in 2016 so I should really spend more time with them. Though they are gonna come Netherlands to find me too. I just really hope they won't last minute back out 'cause my parents do have the tendency to pang me last minute. Lol! Truth though. Hence, yea, cannot have too high hopes. 

But anyway, somehow I really treasure them more this year I don't know why. Maybe because I realise they are really ageing too. As we grow older, they too get older. And their getting older is much scarier than our getting older. We just grow up but they grow old. Hence, it's really important to appreciate them while you still have the chance to. 

And also my sister, the fact that she may get married soon is kinda a mixed feeling for me. Mostly happy feeling but the thought of not sharing the same room with her anymore is kinda strange. But okay lar this woman. Even if I want to spend more time with her, she truly doesn't have the time for me. So when there are chances of spending time with her, I'm really thankful for them.

My grandmas as well. Basically most of the relatives I care about because yea, life is indeed fragile and you really don't know what will happen next. So living in the present is very important.

Myself

Yes I learned more about myself this year HAHA but okay in all seriousness, I think there were a lot of changes going on in 2015. I can feel myself growing up more, worrying more about needless stuffs, becoming more serious. Which to be honest, I don't like it. Haha! As in I guess it's good that I'm kinda maturing but I still want to be lame and silly and do stupid stuffs and get away with it. Okay, actually I still believe that I can have fun and let loose and do stupid shit. 'Cause yea ah, I'm still me. I think I'm really still very much the same person as ever. So I guess it's all cool. Heh

But I think for some moments this year, I felt tired of having to take care of people. I mean yea, I like to take care of people. I have no idea why I have this tendency to do so but I just do and also making sure that everything is in place and I don't know, stupid strong sense of responsibility embedded in me ah. But anyway, there were periods of time where I got tired of doing so. It's strange to me I guess 'cause I never really think I will be? But I guess everyone really has their limits and points in life where you just want to be taken cared of. So I guess that's when I'm really thankful to people who I can truly rely on and know that they will take care for me. People who I can trust. Trust is really important I realise. And yea, I'm glad that there really are people in my life who I can trust so I'm really good. Haha! As in I think this tiredness is really just a part of life. It's a reminder to you that you need to rest and don't care so much. Sometimes I really think I care way too much than I should so yes, also another thing to improve on in 2016!

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This isn't a very nice reflective post. But for the most part, 2015 had been a great year and I have many things to be thankful about and am truly blessed with.

So 2016 will be a year where hopefully I learn more about myself and become a better person HAHA self discovery journey siol. But yea, I think there will be a lot of times in 2016 where I will be alone and I really need to push myself to be more independent and rely and trust myself. Or rather it's really just the first half of the year when I'm on exchange. But yep, I think it will be a super good experience and I'm mega excited for it. 

forward

I was looking at some old photos from my harddisk and I realise how I actually am not a photographer. LOL 'cause okay, the photos are mostly terrible. There were actually just random spamming of the shutter and most of them are just freaking random and gross. Like I legit cannot stand it. But I guess one thing great about all those spamming is that it can capture certain golden moments and when you see them, you will really laugh. 'Cause yes, they are really hilarious. So I guess I wasn't a photographer but then but I was taking photos and yea, some moments are captured nicely so that's good. And yes, I can see my improvements over the years too. So I guess that's a good thing too.

And looking at old photos, I realise how as you grow older, it's much easier to let go of certain things and focus on the present. I used to think thoughts like "The past is so great" and "Oh how I wish I can go back to those days and enjoy those moments" and what not. But right now, as I look back on those days and at all those photos, it suddenly felt different. Those photos do still bring smiles and all. But I won't be thinking such thoughts anymore. Maybe because as you grow older, you realise that what truly matter is the present. Living in the present and making the most out of it. Because yea, the past is history and we can't do anything about it. But the present and the future are still kinda within our control.

And you let go of things way easier. I really hoard way too many things. Even photos and memories and stuffs. But as you grow older, there are even more and more memories and photos and stuffs. So you somehow have to make room for these new ones because yea, they are important too. And slowly, you will just learn to let go of those who cease to be as important. It may sound really sad but I guess that's just how life works. People truly do come and go. And letting go means that you are making room for new and even better and greater memories. Yes, the assumption that the future will be better. But isn't that what we all want for the future? To be better than what it is today? If we know that the future is not better, we won't bother working hard towards the future.

I used to think that letting go of things is very difficult and sad. But I realise letting go of things is a necessity in life. In a day, we only have 24 hours. Given this limited time, you have to prioritise and focus on things that are important to you. Or rather, things that make you happy or things that add value into your life. You really don't have time to bother about things that make you sad or negative. So yes, letting go is just part of your life. And it sounds really strange but it feels good to let go of things sometimes because it frees up space for new and better things.

Take my harddisk for instance. As I was looking at the old photos, I realised how there are some photos, or rather some people who I don't care about anymore. Of course, I still wish the best for them but their lives don't have any impact and effect on me anymore. So I just delete the photos of those people. (And also 'cause there were really a lot of terrible photos such as those with bad lighting, blurness and many more gross ones that I have no freaking idea how did I use to think those photos were decent I was young and foolish ah. Thinking I was some pro photographer. So lame.)

But ANYWAY, yea, and it feels kinda good deleting them. 'Cause you really free up some space. And I don't know. You narrow down to those that are more important. It's something that I know I really need to learn and I've been trying. As you can probably see from the past few posts. But I guess sometimes in life, there will always be certain things that are harder to let go and take a longer time for you to finally come to terms that they are truly no longer important to your life as much as you hope for them to be.

But I guess the truly amazing thing about looking at all these old photos is that there are certain people in some of the photos who are still very much a part of your life. And the more amazing thing is how they had became even more important from when the photo was taken. Some people are really just worth the keeps and I guess as cheesy and cliche it may sound, I truly believe that it is all part of God's plans that these people are still part of your life and they won't leave. True, it will get harder to make the effort to keep in touch and what not. But somehow, I have this strong faith that there are just some people in your life who are just gonna be there for you for a long, long time. It's really not about the quantity but the quality.

I'm just truly thankful and grateful to God for blessing me with really incredible people in my life. That those who stayed are truly the ones worth keeping. And they are the people who make you a better person and in some ways, help to shape your current personality and character. Right now, I am really satisfied and happy with life that when I look back at old photos, I won't pine and wish to travel back in time. Right now, I hold on to the present and whoever who are here currently. Those who matter and yes, I look forward to the future too as well. People who I may not have met yet but may become important people in my life in the future. It's all truly very exciting to think of how the future will be. Creating new memories with the people who are currently in your life and meeting new people who may become important people. There are times when you think that having all these current people will be enough to last you for a lifetime. They truly are. But I guess we still shouldn't stop ourselves from opening up to more people 'cause yea, there are some people who are just meant to be important people in your life You just haven't meet them yet.  

3 things

Okay currently I have 3 things I wanna say. This is gonna sound like a stupid post, but they are very specific and important 3 things so okay lar, it's a reminder to myself.

Firstly, I think it's time for me to do something crazy. Something different and isn't safe. It may sound stupid but I feel that for the past 21 years (going 22), I have been living a very safe and assured life. Not that I'm complaining. I'm truly happy with my life now and how everything turned out in my life. I have not much regrets but it's just that I realize I usually almost always take the safe options. Those that I know if I take this route, if I make this decision, I will be okay. I won't get hurt. I guess this fear of getting is always what makes me wanna take the safer option. Risk averse. But to be honest, I don't think I'm entirely risk-averse. I guess I just feel that I should take more risks. Be more open to life. And I don't know. Take some leap of faith. And don't worry so much sometimes. So I guess this exchange is truly a good time for me to just do stuffs that I won't usually do. Time to take some risks and first experiences. Of course, don't worry I won't do completely crazy stuff 'cause I'm still me ah. LOL so yes, I guess it's really just opening up more and yea, learn to be more independent. I realize I tend to rely on people quite a lot without me knowing. Like subconsciously. I really am a person who needs people. Okay, I still think I'm generally independent. But lately there is this part of me that really wants to have someone to depend on. So this exchange is truly a good time for me to just learn to be independent and enjoy my own company. All the solo trips I'm actually kinda excited for them but also kinda scary. This will be when I do something different from usual. Hopefully. Need to be brave enough.

Secondly, sincerity. Lately, I've been saying stuffs about being true and all. 'Cause yea, you can tell a person's sincerity from the way they speak and their actions. You can feel it with your heart whether a person is being sincere. And I think that's why I've been feeling quite strange lately because I come to realize how there are some people in my life who I wish for them to be sincere. But they actually aren't completely sincere. So it's like the mind wants them to be sincere but the heart tells you that they are not. Hence there is this conflict and hence you feel a bit strange. It's kinda sad. But I guess it's cool too 'cause at least you know who really matters? Like you won't blindly listen to your mind but you'll listen to your heart too. And so I guess really just rmb those who are truly sincere and hold them close. Know that yes, these are really the people who don't take you for granted and won't make use of you. People who are sincere. 

Thirdly, this point actually doesn't really matter a lot but I guess yea, results can be disappointing. They often are disappointing but after getting sad about it, you really just have to accept it and move forward and hope it gets better. But it's truly disappointing though. When you know you didn't do the best that you can. But yea, I guess there really are other ways to brand and promote yourself instead of through grades and everything. Your life shouldn't be about getting good grades and all. And yea, I choose to believe that people care more about your soft skills instead of grades. With that being said, I need to really work on my soft skills too. Like be more vocal and outspoken and active. I think I'm really improving. Like I can see myself becoming more active instead of passive. And I guess that's one of the great things about SMU. They really force you to be more active and take more initiative in stuffs. So yes, hopefully all these will make up for the not so good grades. 

Ah well. At the end of the day, I'm glad to be alive and blessed with a wonderful family and also friends whom I can lean on always.