you're the light in the dark

[ Like water in the desert 
Impossible to find 
But you found me when I was broken 
Put me back together, gave me life 
Like a flower in the concrete 
So beautiful and rare 
You gave me hope when I was empty 
Walked me through the fire, you were there ]

you! - LANY

hellooo as always, I ended up not reflecting properly before the year ends in 2020 hahaha but okay okay, I do really wanna do it properly but not now 'cause I am really tired so this will be a pre-reflection again HAHA 

I was just thinking that I can actually see the progression in myself over the last 3 years since I graduated in 2017:

2017 was the year that I was fresh out of school with many dreams and hopes and excitement for the future and work. And I also actually posted more then because I was free after graduation and before looking for jobs HAHA family and friends wise, I am certainly very thankful for wonderful family as always and the friendships that I forge over the years. I feel that once these friends continue to be your friends even after work started and we all still make the effort to meet, it's really kinda locked in for life. At least for me. So just very very thankful to have found people who reciprocated the love hehe 

2018 was the first year of work where I truly struggled a lot but also learned so so much about myself and how work is truly like. And I am certainly very thankful to have had the experience I had in my first job because on hindsight, it really pushed me and I am who I am now at work because of that first experience as well. And I did truly enjoy the work that I do and the colleagues are definitely ones for the keeps. Learning to also appreciate your family more and just be a better daughter, sister and granddaughter. I think 2018 was a year where I realise how mental health is so so important. Last time you kinda just dismiss it but wow, it really changed me quite a lot that everyone around me can tell that I am really not happy at my work and it affected my personal life too. And that's just bad. So yes, you should never neglect your own mental health no matter. But yes, I'm so glad I came out of it and really became stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

2019 was actually one really strange year that I also honestly didn't reflect properly. I guess it was a year for me to take a mental break after 2018 and just take life slowly. With that said, I admit that I am one who doesn't like things to be too slow. And I hate it when I go into a slump and just feel very meh. Which yea ah, it was the running topic for 2019, which I guess made me stop posting because I just felt like I kept saying the same things and not doing them and I was just going around in circle. Then again, okay I only posted twice in 2019 HAHA but yea, I remember feeling really uncomfortable and just feel like I am not being myself or at my fullest potential. That I can do more but I am just not doing it. But okay, I guess it's really a well needed break for me to take a step back after 2018 so there are reasons for why everything happened. 

So 2020 had been a year where I learn to accept myself as I am and grow to learn that I am a human being with flaws and that is perfectly normal and okay. What's more important is to admit that you are flawed and to continue grow and learn and remind yourself that there is nothing definite about this life. What you thought you know for your whole life can very easily be wrong. It makes you feel uncomfortable when you realise that but that is precisely the feeling that you need to feel in order to grow properly. I think for the longest of time, I had always think that we should only think positive things and be happy always. But I come to realise that you need all emotions in order to be a fully functioning human. You cannot be happy forever and you shouldn't. I think when I was watching Inside Out for the first time, I thought it was a great show but didn't exact think more about the reflection of that in my own life. I think it was only until 2020 that I fully learn to accept this. Okay maybe 2018/2019 I already kinda realise it more? Like it's okay to be sad, angry, lazy, and all the negative emotions. You need these emotions as a signalling to tell you that hey, there is something that is not going right here that you should probably do something to change it. I think reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in 2020 really helps to put this into perspective. The contents in the book are things you already know but it's always a good reminder. 

And of course, 2020 had been a year like no other with the entire earth being shaken by COVID-19. It's really one for the history textbook as there is really nothing like this ever I think. We are living through history and it definitely felt very very surreal. Of course, me typing this now feels a bit weird because it had sort of became the norm since it started happening in March 2020. But I think it is definitely still very very weird experience where you are at home for most of the time and you feel that your time had stood still but you are actually growing and learning more than ever. 

Which, okay, I kinda regret not keeping up with writing down my thoughts more often in 2020 but I guess you will remember the learnings and reflections that are important to you right? 2020 had been truly the strangest year but the year that I felt like I grew and develop so much in terms of personal thoughts and etc. I told my friends I felt like I had some system upgrade for my brain hahaha. Yes, I am saying this as if I am a robot but idk how else to best describe. Okay, mind update LOL but yea ah its really suddenly realising how there are so many things that you are wrong about this life and accepting that it is okay to be wrong and just have to remind yourself regularly that what you think is never definite.  

It's kinda like the bubble of how easy and rosy life is kinda just shattered. And that is okay. Or rather, I found it so so important that it shattered because let's face it, I am not getting younger and I think it's even more important for me to understand what this life is and not remain sheltered by my parents and sister. I gotta start figuring out properly what I want to do from here on for my life and start planning accordingly. Of course, also remember to accept yourself as you are and let yourself rest when you want to and feel slump-ish when it happens. You are only human k, so give yourself a damn break. 

So okay, as usual, ended up kinda ramble more than I intended. I can never be succinct. That's why this blog is really just a dump of my thoughts. Thinking out loud but in typing form. So okay lar, I'll try to properly reflect by themes soon for 2020 and maybe 2019 if I can too. And of course what's the way forward for 2021. 

And above all else, I am thankful that I got to understand more about God and Christianity. There is more to learn and I'll try to elaborate more in next post but truly it's God's time and just so thankful to know that He is always watching over me and guiding me through life. That I am really not in this journey alone.

Special shoutout to people who actually is still reading this LOL you really don't have to also k but I truly appreciate you for being curious about my thoughts HAHA thanks for always having my back

Leaving this quote from a pouch that my dear friend gave for Christmas:

"She believed she could so she did"

hindsight is 20/20

hellooo it has been so so long since I type here that it honestly feel a bit weird but also very comforting and familiar feeling at the same time as I start typing more. 2020 has been one heck of a year and I feel like if I don't post at all and have some reflection at the end of the year, it is not doing the year a justice. 

This year has been all sorts of strange but personally, it has truly been a year that I think I've grown the most in terms of the way I view the world and everything around me. I mean, I believe I had grown over the years, especially so when I read back at my old blog posts or insta posts and cringe so bad. But those growth are usually gradual and unrealised? It's just suddenly one day, you slowly just became different. But I think for this year, the growth had been accelerated and especially so when I had more time with myself to reflect and think. Though one thing I regret is not documenting my thoughts more frequently and better. It's really kinda just all over the place, as usual. But I mean okay, at least I did share them with people around me on some things so I guess that helps a bit? You somehow remember things better when you say it out. 

ANYWAY, so okay, I think I will do another post to properly reflect cause I'm technically supposed to sleep now. But I guess one important takeaway from this year is that I should always be constantly learning and growing and changing my mindset to be a better person in this world. I mean, humans are never perfect and we are almost always learning new things and making mistakes here and there. But change is always the only constant in this life right? To be comfortable with things changing constantly and learning to let go. To be honest, the learning to let go back is still something that I'm trying hard to but it really takes time. I think there are indeed some parts of me that has been like that since forever but yknow, at least acknowledging it and actively trying to change it is a step forward. 

And overthinking also. Like wow, if you yourself is already thinking of so many things at one go, what makes you think that your this one small thing is what's bugging other people. It is most likely not significant and it just got amplified in your head because well, you think better things to worry and think about. 

Anyway, I think I might have digressed again. But I guess really just gotta have faith in yourself and trust the process. Trust that whatever decisions that you are making now, they are all part of God's plans for you. You may not understand now, you may never understand ever in your life, but you know that He is the truth and that He will never want the worse for you. This is all part of the process to whatever He has in stall for you. You just gotta be patient and remember that yea, He is here always. 

But yes, this has been yet another incoherent post but I promise to come back and do a better reflection 'cause I think I really need to just consolidate all my thoughts properly. Thankyou my random stalkers who are causally come in to read for fun. And reading this rubbish LOL but okay okay, stay tune for next post. 

hello

It has been so long that I think I kind of forget that I have this as well hahaha

But I guess it's always nice to come back once in awhile and read back the thoughts that I used to have. And realise that to be honest, nothing much as changed, in both good and bad ways. I'll probably try to reflect proper about 2019 more. 

For now, it's a strong reminder to myself here that I am in control of my own life and my own story. Of course, God has His plans for me but definitely if you feel that there is something not right, please do something and stop being passive. You don't like people being passive but why are you being passive about your own life?

I think that's my main problem? I gotta start figuring myself out before I figure other people out. You can't fully know other people if you don't even know yourself and the things you want and the things you feel for. So yes Yi Fang, here is a reminder that it is okay to be in a slump, it is okay to feel like shit. But you should always remember that things will get better but you gotta get yourself out of it and do something about it as well. And it is also okay if you don't want to do something about it right now. I guess most importantly is to do things and feel things that you want to. Stop being so hard on yourself and feel that you need to do things and etc. 

I think I should a bit contradicting in the previous paragraph but I guess what I'm trying to say is just cut yourself some slack and learn to enjoy the simple things. Don't be so uptight and serious about everything and just let things be. Learn to let go and enjoy whatever you have. Life really really isn't that hard if you let yourself go once in awhile. You don't need to be in control of every thing. Learn to trust and have faith. 

insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

[ Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love
Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?  

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure ]

Under Pressure - Queen, David Bowie

Honestly, 2019 so far hasn't been that bad. Just that I think 2018 have been a serious year of learning more about myself and people and what I actually want in life that I guess I haven't properly digest and reflect yet?

Sigh, procrastination is really my worst enemy. But I guess the most important reminder that I gotta tell myself is to really learn to freaking let go and not control so much. And always remember that it is really really okay not to know how things pan out and work out ultimately. That is the beauty of life, isn't it? When things that you least expected happen, it makes you really happy and excited. Or it can also make you feel sad and angry. But regardless, they are all emotions that we as humans need to feel. I think I need to stop being so fixated on the good things and let the bad things in as well. Embrace them as much as they aren't as fun to embrace because these bad moments are important to shape how you are and how you think as well.

And stop being such an emotional wreck. For the most part, I really thought I'm not an emotional wreck hahaha. But lately I realise I really do freaking hell feel way too much for my own sanity's sake. I guess learning to really dissociate yourself from some things and to not take everything to heart. People can say and think whatever they want, and you have no control over it. But it really doesn't matter what they say or think because you owe life and your actions only to yourself. As long as you are answerable to yourself, people can say all they want. But I mean of course, do always remember to take feedbacks and advice from people close as well because they know you well and they meant the best for you. So if they say that you are doing something wrong, please stop being so stubborn and learn to acknowledge them and work on becoming better.

I think really just gotta remember that you are really okay. No matter how hard you think life may be hitting you with, you really got this to most extend. You are alive and well. You have great supportive family and friends. Sure, there are days when it kinda sucks and everything seems bleak, but you really cannot have sunshine and rainbows every day because that's not how life works.

You really just needa learn to be stronger and let things go. Take a freaking chill pill because the thing about life is that it is so unpredictable that you really just gotta live each day good and well and just do your very best everyday. Make the most out of each day and when things fall apart, just pick things up and continue again. Learn from your mistakes and get better.

Honestly, I feel that there is a lot of things that I have to work on. But that in itself shouldn't give me stress and really just gotta remind myself to stop being so damn hard on myself. You don't always have to be a better person. You are only human after all so just please cut yourself some slack. If you really want to take care of others, you really gotta learn to take care of yourself properly first.

Here's to 2019; a year where you take your learnings into action and stop being lazy and procrastinating life. Start living this life properly with your eyes open.

2018; what a year

Hahahaha finally remembered this place.

Past few months had been pretty crazy? Crazy is an understatement. Life just went full-fledged bonkers.

I had to read back my chats with people to remember why it was crazy HAHA I mean, it's a good thing that I don't remember exactly why it was so crazy so that's good. But it's pretty amazing how reading back all those conversations, I still feel them. I mean okay, those were my words so definitely I will feel them.

ANYWAY, so I guess for the most part of my life, I think work has been the one that really gave the most stress hahaha it's like a whole new level of stress. Or idk, it's just really very different from school and etc. And I think for the past year, I really tried my best to adjust to this. Definitely think I did my best but I guess sometimes, the environment and people really matter a lot as well.

And me being me, I am usually not the type of person who gives up easily or rather, I don't think I give up easily and will do my best for most things. As long as I see value in them and it makes sense for me to do it. So work kinda made all these a lot harder for me to achieve. And being the controlling me, having all these things out of control was kinda scary. Or rather, it was very very unfamiliar. And experiencing new emotions and etc. For the most part, when I think back about all these moments, I take them as really good learning experiences. Because yes, I admit that most of my life, I have been pretty sheltered. Or rather, there are of course bad and sad moments but generally, idk it wasn't as intense as the ones that I went through for the past few months. Maybe because they already went by so long ago so I don't feel them as much.

In any case, I guess whatever you go through in life, the good times and the bad times, they are all learning lessons and important moments to shape who you are now and how you think. How you are as a person is defined by these moments as well. So yes, I do know that God has His reasons for letting me go through all these experiences so I am thankful.

And what's most important is that He will always, always help you to find your way back. He always always has your back and look out for you. And I know that I am really blessed by God. So yes, summing up 2018, there is actually a lot more things to say HAHA maybe I'll type another post after this if I can.

But anyway, most importantly is really the people around me who are with me on this crazy ass journey. There are so many people who really have my back and are really there to support me whenever and where ever. Angels from heaven heh. But yes, they are really the people who kept me from hanging on and making me laugh and smile amidst everything. People who remind me that I got this.

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.” 

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What I really have to remind myself is to treasure the present and what I have now and really live life as it is. And learn to let go of everything and not worry so much. All is well.  

strength

[ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can't
It isn't in my blood ] 

In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

This song really resonates with me very well recently. Actually maybe not recently, but ever since I guess for the past few months? Hahaha I mean okay, let's be honest, I feel that ever since I started working, I have been insanely hard on myself for God knows what reasons. I think I have very strange high expectations for myself but hey, sometimes you really just have to admit that there are some things that are truly beyond you and it is really not your job to fix every single thing. You try your best but you know, sometimes there are some things that no matter how hard you try, things won't work out. Yes, you feel helpless, you feel like crap because you see some things that need to be fixed but you can't seem to fix it. That feeling sucks. But you really just gotta learn to let things go and just do your best in ways that you CAN help.

And work hard for those. Read up more, learn more. Learn from people who you know you can look upon to learn from. Ask for help, seek help. Don't feel that you know, I guess just don't carry the weight on your freaking shoulders. Freak, you are only what, less than 1 year of working experience?? Who do you think you are, trying to change the world? If the world can be changed to quickly, life won't be as it is now.

Changes take time and sometimes you really just got to be a bit more patient. And just do what you think you can do. Things that are beyond you, learn to listen to people and let things go. Even those people who are affected understand that it is beyond you. So why can't you give yourself a freaking break? I think that's what happens when you care too much. And you feel that there are some things you really don't agree with but have to follow through because you aren't the one calling the shots.

But I guess with all these come very strong learnings. This job thing may have taken a toll on me but yes, I'm not giving up and I'm going to push forward and really find the strength and purpose in this. And remember why I started this out in the first. Why HR, why this company, why am I still here working hard, what is it that I want to achieve for the next few months.

It really won't get easier; it's just gonna be harder. But yknow, with the right attitude and mindset, coupled with incredible support systems in the form of family, friends and colleagues, I am sure I will have the strength to continue this and really overcome all this. There may be some bumps and bruises along the way but what's life without them right?

There is a reason why God puts you through this. You may not see it yet, but that's where you gotta have faith and trust in Him. Back in 2013, after I got back my A levels results, I was lost as to why things were this way. But things did work out. Fast forward to 2017, I graduated from SMU, found my love for HR and those 4 years in SMU were certainly some of the best years of my life where I can see how much I have grown and found back the person that I have kinda lost back in JC. So God really really has a plan for you. So you really have to push hard and believe that He has His reasons for making you go through all these and to make you stronger and better.

Life is a wonderful adventure; fight hard.

(Also posting this on 4 Oct 1AM hahaha. September had been truly insane that I really didn't have time for this but wow, this has really been a good uplifter. Thank you, Blogger.)

game plan for life

Okay, once again I'm typing this on 2nd Sept but the contents I thought about it in August. Just that really no time to properly type down heh

ANYWAY, yes, 8 months of 2018 and it has definitely been hell of a crazy ride so far. But as I was walking home that day from work, it suddenly dawned on me (albeit quite belated thought) that I have been making game plans for work, for travels, for so many other things but I do not have a game plan for life. And heck, that is actually the most important game plan of all?!!?

So yes, I think I really need to find some time and start making that game plan. It doesn't have to be perfect; just need to have something at least. I think as much as we should take life as it is and don't make too many plans, there still needs to be some kind of direction to head towards I guess. And no matter how busy life gets, things like these should take precedence. 

full-sized aortic pumps

July... has been yet another crazy month. I feel that from now on, all months will be crazy, until told otherwise. I so wish to be able to reach a day where I can go, "Yes this is a good pace, this is manageable, this I can get by."

But I guess it's really through all these things that make you stronger and better and greater? Through all these ups and downs and what not. I guess that's really what makes life interesting right? With all these ups and downs and bumps only the way. If everything is smooth and great, you may fall asleep along the way and miss out on the good things in life. 

No doubt, what's important is really health. To enjoy these ups and downs, you need to be fully functioning and well to tackle all these things and enjoy the greatness of life. Bad habits such as sleeping late and what not came but they can be changed too. You just really gotta be more discipline with it. 

Feels like I'm just blabbering now. So I'm gonna stop here and just yea, time to rest and tackle life. Or rather, enjoy it. I think when you say tackle, it feels like you are against it. True enough, life almost always doesn't go your way. But that doesn't stop it from being really great some times and allows you to see wondering things along the way. 

And you are going by your own time, own pace. Don't compare to how your life fare when compared to others. You work differently from others. God has His plans for you and you really just gotta believe in Him that yknow, it will all work out in mysterious ways.

And yes, please take care of your full-sized aortic pumps. Make sure that your heart remains healthy and also remains big and open, and continue to be a good person with a good heart. (Okay, this line isn't very coherent but I'm very tired so maybe I'll be able to articulate better after some sleep so good nightz)