Blessed

"When you haven't meet some pple for a very long time and you finally meet them, you'll feel this damn happy and glad that you can still meet them like that after so long and come to realise how lucky and blessed you are to have such amazing people in your life. And no matter how sad and down you might have been for the past few days and even on that day itself, something just warms in your heart and you can't help feeling happy again."

Haha! This was something I thought about yesterday night at 3am before I went to sleep.

And yes, I know that I really am truly blessed with many amazing people in my life. Friends who are crazy important in your life. Friends who will stuck by you through it all. Friends who may not be around you always but they will think of you from time to time. Friends who honestly root for you and want the best for you too. Friends who make you laugh and bring a smile to your face. Friends who are just true. Friends who matter. I'm glad that I have such friends.

And yes, of course family. They are really the support system that I need the most. And the ones who will hold me strong even when I'm falling. The ones who really just give me strength to carry on. Lately, I've been quite bad to my mum and my sis I think. =/ my dad wasn't in Singapore so he was lucky. Haha! My mood really super off at home for the past few days. I guess, it's the only place where I can just be sad and angry and not feel bad about it. Lol! Though yes, I feel bad now 'cause I think I really made them quite worried and not know what to do. And how I really just PMS my sister randomly. I don't even know why. I guess all the frustrations just set in place and being all lost and confused and just wanting to hate the world. Haha! 

But yes, I'll be alright. At the end of the day, it's me. Haha! I'm Yi Fang after all. I don't allow myself to wallow in sorrows and hate life. Because (quoting from a friend) there is "always a light at the end of the tunnel so you don't stop in the dark just because you're feeling hopeless! Keep walking yeah~"

Haha! Yes I'll keep walking. Even if I'm not exactly sure where I'm heading to, at least I'm moving forward instead of staying status quo. 

what's next

Honestly, it's not like I didn't expect this. But I guess when everyone keeps saying that it will be alright, that they will accept you, that you will go in somewhere, after awhile, you believe them. And then when the cold hard truth comes, and you realise that you didn't get anything, and that what everyone said isn't true, you can't help feeling very crushed. I know it's my own fault for thinking that it will all be alright. But this feeling right now really sucks. And the worse thing is that it's really just one bloody subject. If all my subjects sucks, that's fine. It won't suck that much. But it's really just one subject. How am I supposed to accept this? 

The cold hard truth that GP is really important. Even if you did reasonably alright for other subjects, no one cares. Especially if you want to study in humanities subjects. Maybe I don't know. I honestly don't know anymore. I just feel so handicapped. Like I really cannot do anything about my grades and stuffs. I can't do anything abt what happened in my Jc years to make them want to reconsider me.

I really feel like running away and just run away and not give a damn about everything. Because really, when you put in effort to something, you hope and expect that it will be alright. And when it doesn't, it just sucks. I don't even know what to do now. I have no special talent whatsoever. I have nothing to show so where's this going to leave me?

I know that at least I still haven't get the rejection from one school yet. But the chances of acceptance is pretty bleak as well. And honestly, I know that the only person to blame in all this is myself. It's really my own fault for getting the grade that I got. It's my own fault for this feeling now. It's my fault for thinking that I will get in somewhere. For being confident over nothing. For thinking that everything will be alright because it isn't. Yes, there is still appeal and all but I really feel like giving up. What is there for me to freaking show? What have I done that will want them to accept me again? Nothing. I have nothing to show. 

Why is it so hard just to get to uni? If it's already so hard, isn't uni going to be harder? Right now, I just want to get in somewhere. Because yes, I know that if I haven't got much options, I need to work hard. And I think I work harder after setbacks. Sometimes. I don't really know anymore. Somehow, I think I really lost some parts of me in those two years in JC. Parts that I don't think I'll find back again. 

I guess getting rejection twice isn't easy. But I didn't know that it will hurt this bad. I guess yea, I stupidly believe that an acceptance will come. Stupidly believe that somewhere will accept me. Now that I have two rejections, I really don't know anymore. I don't know what to believe and what not to believe. I do know that I need to write a damn good appeal to let them reconsider me. But it seems like an impossible feat. I really have nothing to show. Yes, 19 years of living, nothing I can use to make myself be reconsidered. Awesome huh.

I really feel like running away from everything. Find some solace. Take a break from everything.

remember

Because sometimes you really feel like throwing in the towel and just give up. It's like what's the point of trying and trying when you don't seem to be getting anywhere.

But I guess, yes, we must always remember why is it that we continue to keep trying and trying in the first place. Even though it seems really tough and bleak now, as long as we keep trying, we will get there someday. And even if it's not there, we will get to some place. As long as we know that we gave in our very best shot and never give up.

Today morning, I really feel like giving up and just forget about everything and just heck it. Because it is so easy to just heck it. But I know that even though it's easy, it will be a decision that I will regret next time. So for now, I'll just do whatever I can. Even if it's hard, even if it seems like you can't get anywhere, just don't give up. Once you give up, you really have nothing else.

We will get there

Met up with this Lim Ka Min just now. HAHA! I'm blogging because I'm supposed to make use of my time wisely before my driving lesson. Lol! And because I don't want upload the photos on Facebook. Heh.

Anyway, had Mac with her for lunch at Jcube! I was late. Heh. Ok lar. No surprise there. Haha! I was lazy to get out of hse. My laziness is best lar. 

Went to Starbucks aft that because we almost always go Starbucks when we meet. Heh. Green Tea Latte~ =D I made her try White Chocolate Mocha Hot. And the cup damn cute. Got thankyou one. LOL!

Took photos because the lighting was good. =D and later she complains that we didn't take photo. Haha! 

I like her in this photo~ took it while she was laughing. HAHA! Nice what! It's natural lor.

LOL! I don't know what we were trying to achieve out of this photo. Haha! We tried to take but aiming a bit fail ar. And we look crazy white. =D 

And now you can't even see us. Lol!

Made her tie up her hair. Haha! She looks damn retarded here actually. =D 

In my attempt of trying to have the same large eyes as Stitch. Lol! I realise my face naturally looks retarded when I try to open my eyes bigger. Ah well. 

Good chillax time with Kamin~ haha! It's really always nice to meet her and just sit and talk. Forever there is stuffs for us to talk about one. Both our busy lives. Haha! 

And yes!!! We will both get good news this week ok!! Honestly praying hard that we will both get somewhere for uni. Even if we really don't, I'm sure we will figure something out. =) 

I realise our tshirts colour combi is nice. Haha! =D

because

Because it sucks to realise how many people had such great faith that you will do well but you didn't.
Because as much as you are happy for your friends, you can't help feeling disappointed in yourself and honestly hate the fact that you can't join them in their happiness as much as you really want to.
Because your parents keep telling you that it's alright when you know it really isn't, that they are just so freaking mad positive and encouraging, which you are really thankful for but it still sucks that you have to let them worry.
Because you feel like crying your eyes out but you just can't seem to do it. 
Because you honestly don't know what to feel any more because to be true, this isn't the end. And you know that it isn't the end but to be honest, you really don't know where to go from here.
Because you still believe that an acceptance will come along soon.
Because I don't know if you are stupid or just madly positive or in delusion that you still believe that there is a place for you somewhere.
Because it's true that there is always a way out no matter what. There is always a possibility.
I guess, you just have to have faith that things will get better. You will get there and everything will be alright.
Because at the end of the day, I don't know if I'm being foolish but I still believe that everything will fall in place somehow. Even if I don't know how yet. 2 more schools to go, keep the faith.

Stuck In The Middle - Boys Like Girls

[ You fight until you're free,
You're down on your knees
Hoping someday you'll make it out
If you just believe
There's hands around your neck
Hearts beatin' out your chest
Well baby if you wait it out
You will see that

Someday things will be perfect
It'll be worth it all this time
I know things will get better
Hold it together
Take your time
Stuck in the middle ]

Stuck In The Middle - Boys Like Girls

Heh. It's the period of time where I'll start spazzing over these 2 of my favourite guys again. =D With Seunggi's new drama and Super Show 5 coming up. Haha! And Eunhyuk has a new variety show too!! Though it's not doing very good though. =\ But ok I think I'll still watch his parts just for him. =D

They are too awesome seriously. Haha! Was in the same country as them last week!! Haha! But ok yea, I know the chances of meeting them actually is quite low so it's fine. =D I just want to go back Korea 'cause there is really so many things to do and places to go there!! And when you are overseas, you really take a lot of things off your mind. It's like once I got back to Singapore, everything come crashing back to me. Back to reality sort of thing. When you are overseas, you can escape it all somehow.

I need to post about Korea!! But wah, really lazy. Lol! Maybe someday next week? The smart me is working alternate days this week because I don't know what I was thinking when I gave my schedule. I think I thought like one day rest then work then rest then work. But then I think I'll end up not resting. Lol! Ah well, no need to rest lar. Haha! Should grab on to whatever time we have and make the most out of it. Haha! Sounds damn funny but it's kinda true. But of course cannot make yourself super tired. But wahhh really too many people I want to meet. And I'm going Malaysia again on 30th May until 5th June? I also don't know when I'm coming back. Lol! And I don't really know why I'm going also. LOL! My dad just told me to be free from 30th May to the first week of June. Maybe I should go ask him again.

And gahhh too many things to watch. Lol! And ya!! I still haven't watch Iron Man 3!! =( I really really want to watch. Hopefully can watch soon ba! Feel the urge to just watch it alone. Haha! But okok, shall wait until pple are free! The Great Gatsby also! But that one is more of because the cast is quite awesome. Haha! Leonardo DiCaprio~ Heh. And Tobey McGuire!!

Alright! I think I should sleep. Working until 8pm tmr. =\ But okok, my work is really fine. It's just can be quite sian at times. Oh well. Few more times already!

Yes, I'm trying my best to trust God. I guess, I should be grateful that at least there isn't any rejection yet. But all this waiting is really making me sad somehow. I mean yea, I will be lying if I say that I'm not worried or scared that I may end up not having any school to go to. Because yes, it is my future. One future that is just bleak right now. Even though I have thought about what to do, even though I have thought of my other options and stuffs. Still, it's kinda scary to not know where exactly you are heading. To not have anywhere to go.

I guess I'm just scared that after waiting for so long, the answer is no to everything. So yea, where does that leave me then?

Anyway, on the plus plus plus side, I just came back from Korea~~ Heh. =D I think I'll post about it someday. Haha! Worthy trip man. Really enjoyed my time there and not remember anything. That's why overseas is always good sometimes. Haha! And I think I realise why it isn't as overseas as it was at some point of time because we always have wifi at night. LOL! So I could still talk to pple in sg. =D Not that I mind a lot but it's actually quite nice to stay out of contact for awhile. Heh. BUT YES!! The trip was really awesome. =D Love those crazy girls. Heh.

And on the second plus plus note, most of my friends got accepted somewhere~ Haha! Yes, I am honestly genuinely happy for them. Of course I am worried for myself but I'm really happy that they have somewhere to go! So yes!! Soon I will join them. I will keep the faith that yes, the acceptance will come soon.

Sigh, I miss blogging. Lol! All that thinking of stuffs. And I miss millions of people. Haha! Somehow going overseas make you miss pple more. And I also realised that almost all my guy friends are in army now. =( Only the poly kids left which isn't very much of them. Lol! Damn sad!!!! I know I will still see them from time to time but it's still sad. Like I cannot do stuffs that usually guys will be more willing to do. I mean I still can I guess but some activities like cycling must have guys around to make it more fun. =\ But okok, they are protecting the country. HAHA! Not that they really want it as well. Heh. But quite looking forward to see how army changed them after these 2 years. Though I don't think it will be of much difference to us. =D Known them for so long already. It's too funny to see them in a different light somehow. Haha!

Alright! I'm going back to work later today. Lol! Should probably get some sleep now. So lazy to go to work but yes, I can't rot at home forever even though it really feels damn good to just sit at home and do nothing. =D 

handwritten words

Just took out my birthday cards and grad letters since when I was 16 years old to read them. And yes, of course I'm feeling crazy nostalgia now.

But you know, I'm really so glad that I have these letters and cards. Because one thing really special about them is that they are handwritten. I guess something about them being handwritten makes them even more special because pple actually took time out to write or decorate or draw a letter or card for you. And the thoughts aren't fake because yea, when it's handwritten, you can tell the sincerity and stuffs. And it just feels nice? Like even if right now, the feeling may not be the same as it was when the letter was written, at least there was once a point in time when the feeling was like that. And I guess yea, that's enough.

And looking through all those letters and cards, I realise I'm really blessed with some incredible people on my life. The things they say about how you touched their lives and how they will be there for you when you need them. And how it's really true that they will be there when you needed them. It's just incredible.

I guess cards and letters are really still nice once in awhile. Haha! Because yea, we don't always say nice stuffs to each other or rather we don't say nice stuffs to each other often at all. LOL! It's like only during birthdays. Haha! That's why I love birthdays sometimes. Heh. Getting all those long texts from people. I guess yea, even though handwritten letters or cards are still nicer, a simple long text to someone on their birthday is pretty good too since we are all getting busier as we grow older.

But of course, for extremely special and milestones events, cards are really still quite nice. Haha! Ok, I'm really one who likes cards and letters a lot. Lol! Ok everyone loves to receive one no matter who. It's just nice to read stuffs like that. Beats presents hands down. =D

Alright probably time for me to sleep. And it's my sister's bday too~ haha! She's getting older. =D but ok at least she has someone special in her life. Heh. Hope he does something nice for her though. She deserves someone to treat her well and someone to really take care of her because she has always been the one taking care of others. I really hope he will though. He like a bit clueless sometimes. HAHA! Oh well~ still happy for her. Heh.