don't go crying

[ Don't go crying to your mama
Cause you're on your own in the real world
Don't go crying to your mama
Cause you're on your own in the real world

Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun? Baby, now you're one of us
Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun? ]

Ain't It Fun - Paramore

I didn't like this song at first. Then I heard it while I was driving and somehow it became a nice song. HAHA! There was another song that my sis and I grew to like after we heard it while we were in the car. It's quite funny how hearing songs in the car is so much more different from hearing it elsewhere. 

And I realise I like this part of the song because of the concert feel. Haha! Yea, I kinda got affected by my sister for liking songs like that. The parts where the music stops and everyone just sings along. GAHHH I WANT CONCERTS AGAIN. 

OHYA! I haven't post about We The Kings!! Ok, soon soon. I haven't post quite a lot of stuffs so yea, I will try to be slightly more hardworking. But somehow, there are a lot of things to do. And I wasted quite a lot of time already. As usual. But okay, I call them resting time because you really need some time to just not do anything and rest from time to time. Even though you feel like you waste so much time but it's okayyyyy. I still have some more time. 

But yea, I also came to realise that the real world kinda suck. Not that I have experienced it fully but I have the feeling that I won't like it very much. But I guess we just have to suck it up and face it eventually. After we graduate from university. I don't even want to think about that 'cause wow, 3 more years. It's so fast. I don't even know how the one year went by. 

And also, I miss people. Once again. HAHA! It's just, when you walk home from the bus stop, you tend to think a lot and one of those walks, I realise how freaking hell, I really miss people but I don't get to see them often because everyone is just somehow not free? Like we want to meet. We really do. But this stupid schedule thing is so annoying because everyone has different schedules. And it's freaking hard to sync them. 

But I guess, as much as that suck, I know that the people who truly matter and the people who are freaking important, I will still see them always somehow. Not as often as I hope to see them but at least I get to see them and at least I know that even if I don't see them for very very long, nothing will change because they are that important to your life. The kind of friendships that you don't need to spend time to maintain. And yea, that's really the best kind of friendships ever. You meet because you want to meet. Not because you have to meet. And ok lar, honestly, all my friendships are kinda like that. LOL! Obviously I meet you because I want to meet you and not because I want to maintain that friendship. Lol! I love my friends very very much. Awwwww.

So yea, I miss people but I know that they will always be there for me in some ways or another and I will meet up with them eventually. The heart is all that matters. HAHA! Ok yes, very very chessy and all. But yea lar my friends are really important to me so yes. 

And my mother and father and sister too. 'Cause family. HAHA! Ok but yes, I also realise how they are getting older? As in my mum and dad. My sister too but her older is just getting married. Hehe. Yes, I really can't wait for her to get married too but I really just want her to be happy. So whoever is my future brother-in-law, you need to make my sister happy if not you are a no-go. 

But yep, I realised how they are freaking hell getting older because as my parents tend to look young, I can really very easily forget that they are in fact getting older. And it makes me think how I really wish that I can be there for them as much as I can? If I can just drive them around places and help them with whatever errands stuffs. 'Cause seeing them tired kinda makes you sad. If only you can just help your parents always. But yes, you have to live your own life too and I'm quite sure they won't want you to spend your whole life serving them instead of creating your own life. And I'm quite sure I don't actually want to live my whole life just purely serving them. Of course I will still serve them for my whole life but it's not a job. It's not something I do full time but something I do from my heart. Because I want to. Not because I have to. It's your duty as a child to serve your parents but that doesn't mean you just do it out of duty. It should come from the heart. And yes, I know I really want to try my best to be there for them as much as I can. 

But I really love my parents because they understand somehow. They understand how we can't always be there for them and that we have our own life too? It's quite amazing I guess? Like yes, of course there are times when they are annoying and demanding and all that but they are my parents after all and I honestly think they are pretty amazing as parents. And tolerate both my sister and my temper quite well. Haha! We can be freaking brats sometimes. Like I know I can be super bratty and I see how annoying my sister can be. But yes, they are just awesome parents ah. =)

And I know that I can always go crying to my mama if the real world sucks. HAHA! Ranting to her is really quite fun 'cause she understands the rants. And will tell me stuffs that I want to hear. Haha! Ok lar, she is my mum after all. But yes, I really love my mama and my papa and my sissy. They are freaking annoying and piss me off like mad but still my support system.

hold me close

[ In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked
Hold me close 'cause I need you to guide me to safety ]

Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

There is something about holding hands that warms my heart. Whenever I see my grandparents holding hands, my grandmother guiding my grandfather or vice versa, it just makes me smile and makes me believe that love is still very much around.  

Holding hands. It's such a simple and small gesture but it's really an important one somehow. There is just this strong sense of security in it when someone holds your hands, assuring you that everything will be okay. And I'm not talking about those playing games hold hands or when people drag you to some place. Those won't make your heart race and feel all excited. It's the kind of holding hands where the person is assuring you. And to tell everyone that you are theirs. That only they can hold your hands like that. The interlocking kind. Or I don't know. Just pure holding hands. Just because you want to. 

And actually, when your parents hold your hands, it feels really nice. I guess actually it's the security that you get when someone holds your hand. Either you are giving the person security, or you are the one receiving the security. Or maybe even both. Both of you giving each other support and security. That's why people hold hands when they are nervous. It's that sense of security, knowing that there is someone there with you and that you are not alone. 

Assuring each other that they will be there for each other no matter what. That they will hold on to them if they fall. That's the kind of holding hands I see in my grandparents. The kind I see in my parents too when they do hold hands. And how I will just smile to myself like some childish kid but hey, I am their kid after all so it's all cool. 

So yes, someday, someone will be able to give me that assuring feeling when he hold my hand. And that both of you just won't want to let go. And I don't know, how it will all just feel right. Now that I'm typing this out, it sounds like such a strange and foreign thing to experience but yea, I guess it's something I do want to feel someday. But I'm in no hurry because such things take time and I guess it will all be worth the wait? The signal fire in your life. 

Project Phoa II Day 1

Sunday 8th June 2014

First day! I figured I ought to at least start so that I'll be more motivated to actually type out stuffs and reflect proper. Yes, ever since I came back to Singapore, this procrastinating, lazy-ass me just creep right back into me. Like almost immediately. And it was horrible because I think it took me 2 weeks to finally get moving again. I mean yea, I did stuffs here and there but it was still quite horrible. I won't blame it on being back in Singapore makes me like that. But yes, I really need to stop procrastinating.

ANYWAY, so first day wasn't much actually. Lol! It's just me waking up and taking my own sweet time 'cause part of me didn't really want to go. Haha! Ok the reason is actually lame. It's because I wasn't very close to the people that I was going on the trip before the trip. So I was kinda scared that the 2 weeks were going to be really long and unbearable and I will miss my family and friends like mad. Well, turns out I was wrong and I had never been so glad to be wrong ever.

So I had my 2 Indians who came over to my house to deliver breakfast. Heh. The initial plan was to eat breakfast outside together with them and Feli. But being us, we were lazy. I was just reluctant to wake up and leave my bed. Faeqa had to wake up call me. LOL. And I also took my own sweet time eating my Mac Breakfast while Swap was rushing hers through for me. Yes, I know I suck. And I know that Fizla and Swap are kinda incredible. =D

I told them not to accompany me to the airport but them being them, and me being me, I was slightly lying. Ok, I was lying of not wanting them to accompany me to the airport. But I honestly felt bad for making them do it. Like I want them to but I feel bad too. Yep, that's my life. But ok lar fine fine, they are freaking awesome for accompanying me to the airport 'cause my parents were in Malaysia and my sister had to go somewhere also. So no one from my family sent me off. Though yes, it isn't a big deal but aiya, still feels nice to be sent off by at least your family. But it's okay! I had my 2 Indians. I need to stop calling them that but they are still my favourite Indian friends \o/

And also those bitches who wanted to go but never go in the end. But yes lar, I know you all wouldn't mind going if you could wake up and were free to go so you all are awesome too.

We look really terrible but yes I love you guys many many.

And they hate me too 'cause when I met up with the rest, I sort of ignored them. HAHA! Yea like embarrassed by my parents like that. OHYA OMG the best part was how one of my friends thought momentarily that I was adopted by some Indian family. HAHAHA! For a moment lar. But even then, it's actually damn bloody hilarious. Then yea, he became smarter and realised that they are probably my friends instead of my adopted family. HAHA freaking hilarious when you think about it.

So after they said bye to me, we went to check in! Most of our stuffs were hand carry 'cause save money. And yea my bag was slightly heavy and somehow I had a lot of things so yes, super thankful that I had Faeqa and Swap with me to help me carry all those japalang nonsense that I had.

Went inside to have lunch before we board our plane!

Took photos!! There was a selfie stick so hence, we had many photos that we just took ourselves. Haha! And I also realised how useful selfie stick is sometimes. It's kinda fun also. Girls ah. Haha! We really like to take selfies somehow. Ohya, might as well introduce these friends here so that it's easy for me to continue posting. Me, Rachel, Phoebe, Joyce, Melvin, Junhao and Ian! In a circle way. Aiya, it actually doesn't really matter. But yep! This is the team. It's super small for an OCSP but I kinda like it this way. And yea, it's really quite amazing how I actually feel the changes in our friendship within the few days. Lol! Like as I'm typing, I remember how the first day I was really still that quiet Yi Fang. Haha! All lies when you reach a few days later. I really take quite awhile to warm up ah. Lol!

Boarded the plane!! I watched 2 episodes of Friends and some other stuffs which I forgot and I wanted to sit and look out of the window while listening to the music but suddenly we were landing. LOL! It's a super fast journey from Singapore to Phnom Penh. Less than 2 hours I think?

Reached Phnom Penh at around 3pm? Ohya! Cambodia is 1 hour behind Singapore. So we kinda gained time when we reached Phnom Penh. Took the luggage and they bought the card so that we can use it for directions and stuffs. And head to our hotel!

We stayed in this hotel which is of walking distance from the learning centre. So it's super convenient and safe for us to walk there in the morning because we had to be there at 7am. And the hotel is pretty good? Just that slightly expensive for Cambodia but I guess safety's first! The staff were very nice and friendly and I really like them.

But they probably hate us secretly for stealing their water everyday. Lol! Yep, instead of buying ten thousand 1.5 litres of mineral water daily, we refilled our 1.5 litres bottles at the hotel lobby. HAHA! Yes, we are horrible. But eh, we did pay for our stay! At first we were quite paiseh to take the water, but towards the end, we just heck it and I think they just accepted that we were just going to be like that and probably couldn't wait for us to leave. Haha! But yea, I still really like the staff. How they remember which rooms we were staying after the 3rd day when we went to the front desk the get our keys. And the doormen would eagerly open the front door for us when they saw us leaving or entering the hotel. And the cooks are awesome too. Morning breakfast! All the omelet and stuffs. Haha! Oh man, I'm missing Cambodia now. =\

And by the looks of it, I think day by day recount of Cambodia may take me forever to finish since there are 17 days and I'm still at day 1. Not even done with day 1. I need to learn how to summarise life probably. But actually, blogging don't really need to summarise lar ah.

ANYWAY, went up to our room to put our stuffs and had dinner at this restaurant which is just opposite our hotel! Brooklyn Cafe. The owner is an American I think? And he stays in Cambodia and rides a motorcycle. And he is very friendly. And super cute 'cause there were flies inside so he was trying to kill it using the swat flies thing. The food is good too!! They tell pastas and pizza and burgers and many other Western food. The portions were huge though. It was quite impossible to finish them but I think we still did. Actually, no, we takeaway quite a lot of food after that. Haha! Joyce was really hungry so she went crazy ordering many food to realise that she cannot finish them. Lol! Super impulse one this girl.

After dinner, we went back to the hotel to chill before we met up with Puspa and Jachin who are the ones in charge of ELIC (Educational Life International Cambodia).

Our final debrief before we start our first lesson with the children!

Many things were shared and I think I'll write them in another post. I think I'll stop with Day 1 'cause erm, there are really too many things to say daily. So I'll probably just do a round up post instead of day by day. Since first day we actually did nothing but I can end up typing such a freaking long post.

And I'm tired now too so I shall continue either tomorrow or another day~ But yes, at least I started so I think it should be easier to continue I hope!

team

So yes, I'm here in Malaysia now. And I don't know why I'll have the urge to post at least one post when I'm overseas. LOL! Habit I think. To remember the trip. Nah not really actually. It's just wanting to post.

I'm sorry you had to read the above paragraph.

But anyway, go watch Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve and Ocean's Thirteen. I really love this series of movies because it's so smart. And yes, George Clooney + Brad Pitt + Matt Damon + Julia Roberts + Don Cheadle + Bernie Mac. Ok honestly, just the first 3 names should be enough to make you want to watch. HAHA!

I just watched Ocean's Twelve and yes, it's actually my first time but it's really good. It's just a really smart movie and how you see how they plan something so huge and impressive. And how they trick the audience also. I think I really like these kind of movies. Like Sherlock Holmes. Ok not exactly very comparable but the idea of solving stuffs and all that. How you will know the ending to it first then they tell you how they reach the ending.

And the team thing. Haha! I like when a team is assembled. Like Avengers. And how individual person in the team is important and special in their own ways. And funny movies. Ok, I think I generally like movies a lot. But yes, I am selective with movies too 'cause some really suck so bad. Like the recent Transformers. It's just a very strange movie. With product placements in your FREAKING FACE.

But alright, I stll really like to watch movies in general. And good movies make me happy. Like Ocean's series. So go watch 'cause I think it's kinda awesome. Haha!

Yes, I actually just type a whole freaking post about a movie. Of some sort. I really love the people who still bother reading these. You all are kinda awesome.

Deutschland

I really love this shot. It's so perfectly placed somehow. Haha!

 So yessss! GERMANY WON!! HEHE.

Ok though this time I never really follow but yes I still support Germany because they are honestly really good and they deserve to win so much. They have been coming close for 4 years and finally it's their turn in winning!! =D

And and I really love Bastian Schweinsteiger!! New favourite player. Haha!

 

HE IS SO HAPPY 

He was injured all over the place and his face was freaking bleeding but he still played on without fail. Really wah. Super good spirit. I really applaud him like mad. 

And after the match, he went out to hug Messi also. He really true sportmanship. And he hugged many of his competitors after the match too! Like got a whole series of it. Really my favourite player now. Heh. 

 

 HAHA! And this selfie. Super cute. I like Podolski also but he didn't play most of the matches this time so yea lor. But last World Cup he did! So he still contributed! Haha!

 AND MESSI IS SERIOUSLY A SUPER GOOD PLAYER. He is really one of the best players ever. But it's really very sad to see him so damn sad after the match. But ok, makes sense for him to be sad but I think Argentina really put up a super good fight. Even though I support Germany, I wouldn't mind if Argentina wins also. Because yea, Messi deserves to win ah. He is really a very good player.

Klose also!!! His last match representing Germany I think! And he really did well. The most top scorer in World Cup ever.

So yes, I really like Germany. Haha! And really really happy they won 'cause they have a really strong team and they played freaking well. Like besides Klose and Schweinsteiger, there's still Muller and Lahm and many others 'cause they play as a team. They don't have a specifically talented player but they are freaking awesome as a team. So yes, I AM HAPPY. =D

"You got no life" (REALLY?!)

I was looking at my old posts and I suddenly recalled how "You got no life" was one of my phrases back in sec 3/4? Like I said that to everybody. Almost. Lol! Ok yes, this is a very random thought. And then also, I said annoying, idiot, retard, weirdo and many other very nice words to describe a person. And I'm still doing them now so this shows a lot too. Haha! I'm clearly a mean person. Innately mean.

It's like how people who I'm not close to, I'm very nice to them. But once I start to know you better, I'm like completely different from when you first know me. I think mine is quite extreme? Like my OCSP friend was saying how as the days went by, I became more and more sarcastic. Years of training with my awesome sarcastic friends paid off well. Haha!

But ok, I was really quite glad how I could open up to my OCSP group mates? They are really nice people in the first place. And I kinda know them before hand. But like really do crazy stuffs like singing and doing weird actions and all that. Stuffs that I usually don't do with people I'm not very close to? I think probably because my roomie was as crazy as me. So we both influenced each other to do weirdo stuffs. Haha! I need someone to be crazy with me for me to be crazy. And also, we are 7 people so it's a lot easier to bond. And same frequency also so it's all cool. Haha! Hopefully we will still remain in contact now that we're back in Singapore? But everyone's quite busy so it's really quite hard to meet up. That's the thing I guess? But it's okay! At least we had a great 17 days in Cambodia together!! Like I really enjoyed the full 17 days and didn't really miss home much. I only miss Singapore when I reached Singapore. Then I realised that I do miss Singapore. Haha! And yes, my family and friends. Who are still equally annoying but yes, I still love them nonetheless.

Okok, I need to really do a more proper post up about Cambodia. There is more to the trip than just the people I went on the trip with. It's really an eye opening and worthy experience. And I guess it's actually more than experience also? I discover more about myself also. Self-discovering I guess. Stuffs that I never really thought I had? And also the flaws. Stuffs I think I should remember. The takeaways from the 17 days there.

 Okay, I think I'm finally feeling it. The missing people part. LOL! I think it's blogging. Whenever I blog, somehow I will always miss people. HAHA! Ok yes, I admit. Ever since I came back, I met up with friends and all that. But I didn't actually miss anyone? Like I was alright if I just stay at home for many days and not meet up with people. But yes, I'm feeling the missing people feeling. 'Cause yes, really quite long since I saw some of them. They are truly annoying bitches. But I forgive them. And yes lar, I miss those I already met up also. 'Cause some people you really cannot get enough of them. Heh.

Alrighttttt time to start up my life again after slacking for almost 2 weeks. Ok I haven't been slacking the entire 2 weeks completely but pretty much actually. Different kind of busy. The past 2 weeks I do stuffs because I have to but not exactly because I want to. There was just some inertia feeling. But yea, I think I'm getting it back. Wanting to do stuffs and take control of my life and future and everything. Yes, I can't control what the future holds but at least have something.

A friend I just met recently told me how the thing about planning is that you shouldn't plan too far also because sometimes, if not most of the time, plans don't ever go according to plan. And having to restart planning is very hard because the failure of the previous plan will hit you. But that's life. So we just accept that plans fail sometimes but we just get on with it because life doesn't wait for you to recover from the failures. Life goes on.

paradox of life

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."

- Mother Teresa

You can't really see it, but these are the words on the wall at this cafe in Phnom Penh. I was too lazy to take a proper photo of it but read the quote carefully. Because somehow after I read it, I felt this strange revelation feeling.

Because you love, there is more love than hurt.

Honestly, I can't really think of anything particular inspirational to type about now but I think the quote speaks for itself.

Anyway, I was sorting out the photos from Cambodia and when I saw the photos of the children, my heart really goes out to them. I really kinda do miss them. Yes, two weeks is short. But in two weeks, you can form a bond with these children. And it sucks 'cause I really want to go back for them but I'm not sure if I can. But I think it will probably be part of my plans in the future? I think I will really want to go back again. Because these children, I see great potential in them. And if I'm going again, I may want to stay there longer. So that I can do more things with them and really help them in more ways than just what 2 weeks can do.

I still haven't exactly blog about my trip to Cambodia yet. Which I still will. Just need to settle down first. There are kinda a lot of things to do now. Plus I also want to just sit and chill and not think. Though I think it's making me very restless and feel quite weird. But yes, some downtime alone. I think this week was not bad. I finally get to stay home and chill and not really go out and all that.

Slightly becoming a sloth but sloth life isn't completely for me so I'm sure I wll be fine. I think I'll get busier again for the next few weeks to come but yep! I'll be fine lar ah. Haha! I just need to say and complain and rant and repeat because I am naggy like that. I think this pisses people off though. How I keep saying but not doing anything. And how I just keep saying the same few things but also not doing anything. Yes, I'm picking up the pieces slowly because somehow year one of university slightly threw me off guard so I need to sort out things as I go. But yes, I will be fine.

Ahhhh. Ok, next post, I think it'll be about Cambodia already? Haha! And ohya! Australia trip also. But Cambodia more important lar ah. Lol! Australia is just chill and relax but a freaking awesome place which I want to go back to again. I have severe withdrawal symptoms from all these travelling. I really want to travel badly again. But yes, money is one thing.

So we'll see how. I'm sure life will be good to me because it has been pretty awesome so far.

start remembering

It's such photos that make me want to take photos that matter. Photos that can speak louder than words. Photos that make your heart beat by just looking at it. That moment, that feeling, that expression. All in that one photo.

Photography is still very much something I have passion in. It's still something that I love doing. I just need to be more hardworking in it. And stop giving myself excuses. I need to bring my camera out and stop giving myself excuses. It shouldn't be that way. Yes, my camera is supposed to be outside. You don't buy a camera just for it to stay at home.

I need to remember the feeling of taking photos. The moment when you capture that particular shot. I need to remember that.