holding on to the precious and important

When we are young, we think that we are invincible. And that we have everything, our futures in control. But as you grow older, things just slowly get out of control. Friends forever used to mean it. But it gets harder somehow. Everyone has different schedules and plans and friends and family.

Sometimes, I'm honestly quite scared that I'll slowly lose some of my friends as time pass by. And the reason for it is because we drifted. That's the worse way to end a friendship because once you've drifted, it's quite hard to find it back again. It's still possible of course but the chances are rare and you need to have a lot of fate with the person. I'll rather the friendship "ended" because of some stupid fight because at least it shows that both of you still care a lot abt each other. And that after solving the random misunderstandings and end the fight, you are friends again. It all really ends when you stop caring. And that often happens when you are busy and don't have time. Which is going to happen as you grow older. It may seems like an excuse at times and to be true, I still think it is but I think I have yet to be truly busy to the point where you really just don't have time for anything else. What I do know is that I really don't want a future like that. I want to be able to have time for my family and friends and not just my job. But knowing the me, I'll either have everything and make myself very very tired or I'll not have everything. Right now, I think I'm balancing my life quite alright. But that's just because I'm not that busy yet. But I do know also that when I can't balance, the one person that I will treat badly and make the person tired is myself. I don't know if it's a good thing but I do know it's not healthy.

Anyway, as of right now, I really really want to hold on to the friendships that I have. Because they are all really important to me. Even if I may not meet up with everyone very often, they are important. They are the people I want to keep for a long time. I do think I'm quite greedy at times because I really want everything. Lol. Which alright, I come to realise that I really can't. But I just know that I want to be able to still meet up with these pple from time to time even if I can't do it often.

I guess it's just something I want to be able to remember when I'm older. That I'll look back at this blog post and hopefully still able to hold on to the friendships that are precious to me now.

And I guess I am honestly glad that there is this amazing group of people who I know that time and tide somehow won't change this friendship of ours. Because it's weird to begin with and it has lasted for so long already. And I kinda have pretty strong faith that it will be alright no matter what. Not that I don't have faith in other friendships because I do. It's just that this friendships is just like that. Haha! We are really just like that. =D

All these super random thoughts just from hearing We Are Young by fun. Haha! I like mornings like these though. When songs keep your thoughts going. And I also need to improve on my English a lot. It really kind of sucks. Maybe I should try blogging in good perfect English. HAHA! But I'll just be gross out by myself when I read back my blog posts so forget it. =D

Don't Stop Believin'- Journey/Glee

[ Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night ]

Don't Stop Believin'- Journey/Glee

This song just brings back all the old memories. Haha! Was looking through the photos just now 'cause I had to find some photos to develop and feeling all nostalgic again. But I guess yes, that's what awesome about photographs. You just feel like you are back to that exact moment when you see the photograph for awhile. And it just feels nice.

Yep, part of my plans for until before uni starts is to pick up photography again. I just kinda need to bring my camera more and go out more often. Haha! Ok lar, not exactly go out more often. Just take more photos I guess. Stop being lazy and stuffs. My camera isn't cheap so I really shouldn't waste it lying there and unused. I feel so bad to it. Lol! And my holga!! I'm trying to finish using the film soon. Heh.

KOREA!! Ohya!! I'm going Korea from 4th May to 11th May. The air tickets are confirmed. We're taking SQ there. Lol! But it's really only because there was some promotion thing so we just book it and oh well yes, it's SQ. Who doesn't like SQ. Heh. But yes! We all using our own money for the trip. =D

Since we'll be in another country, I'm quite sure we'll spam quite a lot of photos. Heh. 2 DSLRs are ready to go. =D With Polariods and other cameras also. LOL! Ok lar, I think we'll plan what to bring. Haha! And what to wear and where to go and stuffs and stuffs. I'm so excited!!!!! Heh. It's like last year we say to go together but we didn't really expect to really really go now. =D But yes!! Air tickets confirmed all already so don't want go also cannot. =D

too often but still not enough

So here's to the people who I really met up pretty often for the past few weeks but we just somehow won't get sick of each other. Lol! I don't know how we do it but we just can lar. Haha!

Bangkit Buddies!! Haha! Our final supper before Shaohao enlist on 13th Feb! Shaohao enlisted on 14th Feb. Haha! It's like people to chill out with until late at night and not feel that you are out very late 'cause you are very near home. =D

Had breakfast on 28th Feb with Weiying, Feli and Swap! I had work that day so I kinda made them wake up at 7plus just so as to accompany me for breakfast. Heh.

The text that made my day on 28th Feb! Even though ok, I didn't really have good news to share but really super touched that Mr Phang actually texted us the day before to wish us good luck. =))

Met up with these people for breakfast on 1st march! Results day!!! Shaohao booked out of army. Heh. Managed to see Changhui also but didn't get to take photo with him. But yep, the both of them were sharing with us army stories and it's really damn interesting. For a moment, I really forgot that I was going to get my A levels results that day. Haha! Ohya! And we saw Qifeng and Junrong also. Lol! It was quite random but still quite cool. All of them are without hair now. Haha!

Took train to school with these people on Results Day~ Though we had to separate at some places. Lol! Except Swap, Feli and me. Heh. But yes, these girls, really thankful for them in my life. =) 1 Indian, 1 Indian Muslim, 2 small eyed Chinese and 1 Chinese but look like a Malay. =D Feli really look like a Malay in this photo. HAHA!

Went SMU, NTU and NUS Open Houses withe them also~ Haha! Hence, what I say about us meeting so crazy often. =D

On the way to NTU open house on 9th march! We were like some crazy 4 people who never sit on the front sit of a double-decker bus before. Lol! Probably because we were all not very awake yet.

Ohya, I love how we always take a long time to actually reach the open house because we needed to satisfy our hunger. For us, food is first above everything else. Haha!

Went to NUS Open house with these bunch on 16th March! Didn't get to see a lot of other friends even though many people went for the open house. We saw Enming though and disturbed him. Haha! I swear we are damn noisy and childish when we are together. It's quite scary. Lol!

 And we celebrated Swap's birthday. HAHA! Sort of lar. We kinda just claimed Faeqa's free cake from Starbucks and ate it. =D

HAHAHAHA! Guodong without hair. =D Lol! When I first saw him at the LRT, I really just burst out laughing because it's just funny. Haha! Like for Shaohao I laughed 'cause I wasn't used to it but slowly it was alright. Then Changhui looks really normal. But wah, Guodong one is just best. =D Ok I'm quite bad but at least I laughed in his face. Haha! But wah, he become damn annoying. Ok, he was annoying all along but became worst. Tsk tsk. But okok, at least he came to the open house with us. =D

And to end this off, I WENT FUN.'S CONCERT WITH SWAP ON 15TH MARCH!! =D My first English and free-standing concert!! And it was good!!! Nate Ruess was damn good. He didn't sound like he was singing live but he really was. I don't know how he did it. He really got very good breath. Lol! But wahhh he was really good. They were really good. But I only knew 3 of their songs better. The rest I heard before but don't really know the lyrics so it's hard to catch up. Then when Carry On, Some Nights and We Are Young came up, I went crazy. =D Swap also. Haha! And the crowd went crazy too 'cause everyone knows these songs. But yes, the concert was really awesome. =D

 

Didn't take much photos 'cause we were kinda lazy. Lol! But ok, I really love iPhone 5. =( Their camera is way better than iPhone 4. Ok obviously but ya. It's ok, my iPhone is still good. I just want to change again soon though. Heh. Oh well, see how! =D

Now, I really want Coldplay, P!nk or Justin Timberlake to come Singapore for a concert. I will really go for them if they come. I must go!!! And going concerts are quite addictive. Lol! The atmosphere is really nice. I really really want to go for Coldplay one because I know that it will be good no matter what. Lol! They are just awesome live lar. And Justin Timberlake!! Awesome guy. Hehe. P!nk is just crazy good live. And the best part is that I know almost all of their songs so I can really go crazy during their concerts. Lol! Come Singapore, guys!!

Alright! Updates of random stuffs~

Went to watch movie with Nisa and Jordan on 13th Feb! Supposed to be Kbox but then we realised kbox was crazy expensive so we went for a movie instead. We actually watched A Good Day to Die Hard. Lol! Ok lar, Nisa and I felt that kbox was way better than the movie but Jordan loved it. Lol! Guy thing with movie that doesn't really have a storyline but jammed packed with action. Haha!

Cereals in the cinema! I kinda made Nisa buy for me. =D But anyway, I actually treated these 2 people to Starbucks. Tsk. It's ok, I will have good karma. =D

The last photo with this boy before he enlist! He enlisted on 18th Feb which is a completely different day from most people. Lol! He's the only one I knew enlisted on 18th Feb. Super funny 'cause everyone was saying that he's gay that's why a different day. =D OHYA!! Lol! I didn't get to take photo with his botak hair but he really looked funny. =D I saw him on Results Day and I was really quite amused by his hair. Haha! Feli say he looks like squidward but then again, she has been saying a lot of army guys looking like squiward so I guess she's not that accurate. Lol!

Had dinner with Jiesi, Junyuan and Feli on 25th Feb! Had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market and managed to get Junyuan to treat us for dessert at Ji De Chi. =D It's one of the rare occasion when Junyuan decided to be nice. =D

Went running with Nisa and Feli on 27th Feb! Feli and I actually went to buy ice cream right after the run 'cause the ice cream man was nicely positioned there. Tsk. And then we had Nasi Lemak for lunch. Lol! Sometimes I really wonder what's all the running for. =D Ohya! And we watched The Time Traveller's Wife after that 'cause I needed to kill time until my driving lessons. =D

Had dinner with Qiaofen and Jiesi on 5th March! It was a rather impromptu dinner meet up but nice anyway. =D

This cake is damn good. Qiaofen intro-ed this to us and it's really super nice! =D And it's quite worth it too I think. For the price that we are paying. Talked with the 2 of them for super long. Been awhile since I get to talk to them for so long.

Dinner on 6th March with these people!

Bukit Timah Food Centre! Because Junyuan wants it. Tsk tsk. Haha! Ok, few days before 6th March, some funny things happened. Lol! Misunderstanding again. I realise that we humans really need to just talk to each other and not rely on texting because texting never conveys the right message that we actually wanted the other person to know. But ok, I'm still glad that it's all cleared up. It's just still quite funny though. Haha!

And yes!! Last photo with Brendan before he enlist! He enlisted on 11th March as diver~ Haha! Ok lar, I'm really quite proud that I have a friend in the diver unit. =D I realise, I'm really listing down when almost everyone enlisted. LOL! But ok, I'm really quite looking forward to hearing them and their army stories when they book out. =D And yes, I can't wait to see Brendan's hair. =D

Sheng Ri Kuai Le

Since I'm out of words to type for my essay thing for NUS applications, I shall blog. Haha! To hopefully get some sort of inspiration though I doubt it will come.

I realise the last time I properly update about my life was CNY. Haha! That was more than one month ago. Lol! Nothing much happened actually. I mean besides A Level Results. Haha! I just work on some days then I went for driving lessons on days I don't work. I met up with my friends on days I don't work as well. Haha! Sounds quite boring but I think I'm having a good life. =D As in I like it like that. Like work sometimes then hang out with people sometimes, go for driving lessons sometimes. It's quite nice.

Oh yes!!! I passed my Final Theory Test!! =D My practical test date is on 29th May! My heart was really strangely beating damn fast when I was booking. Lol! But yes!! I really can't wait to get my license. Just one more step. =D

Celebrated birthdays!! Hah!

They all came over to my house on 16th Feb to ba nian! Then we celebrated Puiling's birthday as well. =D though ok, it was more of a hangout and play cards session instead of celebrating birthday. Haha!

Celebrated Faeqa's birthday on 4th March! Haha! Feli, Swap and I went over to her tuition centre to find her since she had to work on her birthday. Then her management is quite screwed up so she had no lessons from 4.30 to 7.30 so we decided to accompany her during that time. Yes we were singing and partying at her tuition centre. HAHA! We got her Starbucks and random tartlets from Prima Deli. Anyway, we stayed on awhile more and talked to her kid. =D Or ok, disturb her kid and her. Haha! But the kid really damn cute and super talkative. Haha! Kids really say the funniest things. =D

Swapna's Birthday on 12th March~ We went to town to meet Weiying for lunch 'cause she had work that day. For her birthday, we wrote a testimonial for her. HAHA! Since this woman got 5 As and was applying for scholarships but her bitchy teacher is well, a bitch. So we decided to write her a "nice" testimonial. Haha! And I gave her a cow!!! But she lost it. Tsk. We went Kbox at Scape after that! Faeqa's first visit to Kbox! We sang for 2 hours only but we went completely mad. We sang all the scremo songs and wah really jump around and stuffs even though we were all wearing dress. Haha! Yes we decided to be annoying to Swap and forced her to wear dress on her birthday. =D

Ok birthdays done. Lol! I shall post another one for other stuffs. =D

things I'll never say

What are the things that you will never say? Even when you should. Even when you know you want to say it so much. Even when you care so much about that person but you will never say it no matter what. What happens when one day, you will regret not saying while you still had the chance? Regrets, in any form, are the worst feelings to feel.

Pride. Pride makes you never say the things that you want to say. I never understood pride but I know that it's something that everyone has it even if you think you don't. I know that I can be quite prideful sometimes. But of course, I will let it down sometimes when you know that you may lose people if you don't. Admitting that it is your fault even though it wasn't anyone's fault.

Sigh. I have so much things I wanted to type about but there's just so much that I'm at a loss of words. I miss people.  To be honest, sometimes I wonder if I actually do really miss or it's just that I'm used to missing people that it's normal to miss them. Haha! Not sure if it makes sense but yep.

And I suddenly realise how scary a friend can really disappear from your life so abruptly. Can't help suddenly thinking of a close friend who just cut off all sorts of connection with everyone. Like not even a person has some contact with this friend. It's rather scary I think. It's more strange 'cause this friend was actually close to a lot of us.

But yea lar, just a sudden thought. To be true, I know I don't really care about this friend anymore. I just really find it strange how can a person just cut off ties with, well, the world. It's too weird. Too strange.

Alright, I should be thankful that I have friends who stayed on by my side. Who doesn't leave or runaway or avoid me. Lol! Friends who are worth the keep. And yes, some things happen this way for a reason. And I guess, it's good. Haha! As in just a thought of how things may have been but didn't happen which I should be glad it didn't? Because yes, I'm pretty sure if it did happen, things will not be the same as it is now. And I'm quite sure that most likely things would have been worse if it went the other way. So yes, everything happens for a reason. Haha! Obviously but yep. Some things are just not meant to be but it's alright.

So yes, sometimes, you won't say all the things that you may want to say. But it's alright because maybe it doesn't really mattered for you to actually say it so much.

And you know, I really feel like I'm crazy naggy. Lol! And how I really always go on saying the same things for awhile. Just that it's all phrase differently. Lol! Ok, I'm typing this half asleep so pardon me for all these nonsense. I shall attempt to post activities stuffs next time. Lol! Attempt is the word.

those days

Ok, let me complain. In secondary school, I was really so different from in JC. Ok maybe not extremely but I really was more active in class. I'll take initiative. Ok probably because I was the monitress then. But even in sec 3, I was rather active? Ok maybe it's the environment as well. But really, I realise sec 3 and 4 were really the 2 years that made the most difference in my life. And for that to happen, I know that I really need to thank 4E1. For letting me meet such wonderful people in those 2 years. I really cannot imagine how my life would be if I wasn't so lucky to have entered 3S1 and meet all these incredible friends.

And I guess, I know I shouldn't compare because yes, it's in a different environment and stuffs so everything will change. Most of us changed when we entered JC. Some changed a lot while others changed little. But everyone changed because we entered a new stage of our lives. And now that JC is over, we are all once again entering another new stage of our lives. And I guess, everyone will change again. Especially the army guys since yes, I think army really makes those little childish boys a little more mature. HAHA! Ok that's what I hope. Haha! But ok, I still hope that they won't be all too mature because it's honestly too weird if they stop being childish and lame because that's kinda what's awesome about them. Haha!

Anyway, I guess, I just want to rant because I looked through my secondary sch report book and then I looked through my JC one and I can't help noticing the great difference in them. I really had a more all-rounded life in Fuhua with good grades and good leadership stuffs. Of course, my leadership stuffs isn't damn awesome but it's good enough. AC I sort of had leadership stuffs but my grades were just down all the way. My peak grades is actually A levels. Haha! Except for that one bloody subject.

Alright. That's the end of my rant. Lol! I just miss sec 3 & 4 I guess. But then again, since when have I not. Haha! But yes I know, I should be glad that at least I had such amazing 2 years with the incredible class before. =) it's really harder to meet up now. I realise that now. Haha! But ok, hopefully, we can still meet up at least once a year. We'll see how. =)

a. Share an event or incident you have encountered personally and why and/or how it has affected you or is especially meaningful to you.

So this is one of the questions for the discretionary portion of NTU Admissions. This question just made me look back at my past 19 years and it's really hard to find an event or incident that is especially meaningful to you because there is just so many events that is meaningful and special to me. To find one especially significant one is hard. Because every single events in our lives shape us to become who we are now be it we like it or not. Every events and incidents are important because it happened in your life.

I'm quite glad that when I look back at my past 19 years, I'm really grateful for all that happened. The events and incidents. There are just too many to choose from. Hence, I won't be writing on this. HAHA! But yea, it just made me realise that I'm really pretty lucky. To have this stable family to make everything alright. Laying the foundations of the person I become. My family isn't perfect. But it is still the best to me. Friends who are just always there for me. People who care about me and who are simply irreplaceable. I guess yea, I'm just really glad. To have many moments in my life that are meaningful to me. To have people who are just amazing in my life. To be honest, I really really miss all those moments. But I know that for the fact that I actually have those moments, it's good enough. Haha! Something that I always say. =D

And ok, this is completely random but I realise I'm honestly too predictable that it's annoying sometimes. Lol! Like my family and friends, everyone who knows me considerably well, always seem to know what I will do next or what I will say next. Though it's somewhat "nice" sometimes because it shows that they actually care and bother to notice and predict what you will do next, it's bloody annoying. 'Cause most of the time they predict correctly. Tsk. And how they seriously like to notice all the small small details. But they almost always never listens to me when I have actual stuffs to say. Such awesome friends right? My family is annoying too. Lol! Ok lar, they are kinda my family for a reason so somehow they will know what you are thinking and where you will actually go and stuffs. Still annoying though. I feel like I'm too predictable and there's no element of mystery. HAHA! Ok sounds damn funny but it's true!! People read me easily. But I guess only to people who really know me well enough to figure out what I'm thinking. Haha! Ok so yes, I should be glad that at least I have people who can understand me without having me to explain everything so super clearly.

Alright, I'm getting sleepy. There's work tmr too. But ok, work is still fun but tiring. It's the physically tired thing. And travelling is seriously bitch. Though I'm used to it and stuffs already but it's still annoying. Nevermind!! For money. HAHA!

Catch My Breath - Kelly Clarkson

[ Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told it's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down
It's all so simple now ]

Catch My Breath - Kelly Clarkson

Yes, I honestly think I need to catch my breath and do things one step at a time. There are so many things going on now that I'm honestly at a loss of what's going on. My priorities are a little bit screwed up I know. I'm pretty confused I think. I really need one day to myself where I really just sit down and think through everything.

University application is seriously a pain in the ass. Sometimes I really wish that I really had better grades so my life won't be as complicated in having to write all the additional stuffs. I know I shouldn't be lazy and all 'cause this concerns my freaking future but it's really tiring. And having to ask my sister if it's alright. Sometimes I think I'm too dependent on her. I know I should be more independent but I cannot. And I know she isn't always free but I need her somehow. And my mum keeps rushing me I don't know why. I know I should apply early and get it over and done with but I really need sometime. Is it really that hard to just let me think through it carefully and then I apply? I haven't got a full day to decide yet. I know it's all excuses but I really think at least one day to look through everything and then decide again.

Ok, I think I really need to breathe in and out. And calm down. I don't even know why I'm making myself so stressed up. To be true, I think I really have too many things going on. Applying for university, getting my driving license, planning for trips, working at USS, making sure that I have enough for my trip. Yes, I'll elaborate more next time. Lol! I think I really just need to calm down and do things one at a time. I'm seriously making myself stress up for no reason. And yes, I know I really should set my priorities straight. What needs to be done first and what things can still wait.

And yes, I'm really glad and thankful for friends who really just make me forget about everything and just enjoy my time with them. They really light up my world like nobody else. HAHA! I shall elaborate more next time too~ Haha! I think I owe too many posts that I can't really be bother. But yes yes, I will still post some stuffs!

And you know, I think my current mood is partly ruined by my own photos. Finally brought out my DSLR today and I'm not happy with the photos. It's just ugh. Like I really feel that this passion of mine is slowly going away. I know there is always finding new passion and stuffs, but it's just sad that it's slowly going away. I honestly thought I can find it back. I still think I can. But I don't know. It really feel strange holding my camera again. And it's just sad. Like my camera is suddenly a stranger to me when it's supposed to be something so natural and easy. I feel quite lost. One thing that I used to be good at just disappears. Or rather one thing that I love so much. Ever since 2005. That's about 8 to 9 years ago? I know I wasn't all that great a photographer but at least I had a strong interest in something. Something that can make me go crazy and mad about. Now, it's just stale and I really don't like this. I know it's my own fault for making it like that. I think I really need some inspiration from somewhere. I need to feel the inspiration again. I need to feel the passion again. I need to find it back. I have been saying this for awhile but I'm still not finding it back yet. Busy was always my excuse. That's why I feel like I've lost it altogether. Because if my passion is still there, busy will never be an excuse.

Ok I think I'm tired and confused and probably lost. I need some sort of direction. Some sort of sign to tell me where I'm heading to, where I'm going because right now, I don't see anything in front of me. It's all a blur to me and I don't really like it. And I know I have to fight for what I want. But the thing is, I'm not really sure what is it that I actually want anymore. What I want my future to be. My career and everything. I'm not so sure anymore. 

tired

View from my room. Taken while I was mugging at home some day last year and I probably decided to look out of the window and came to realise what a pretty day it was.

Right now, I'm currently feeling a little scared and lost and not very sure what to do. Plus a million other thoughts on my mind which shouldn't be my utmost priority now but they are very much still part of my brain. It's honestly a wonder how my brain can hold so much random thought at once. I really have no idea how.

I think I really need to stay and camp at home for a day and figure out this university admission thing. Ever since 1st March, I haven't stayed at home for the whole day once. Yep, for the past 10 days there was always something going on. Sometimes I made promises before really thinking. Lol! But ok, it was all still worth it eventually. I still enjoyed myself no matter what. Just yea, I think I'm feeling a little burned out? I don't know. 'Cause yes, right now, I should really probably sit down somewhere properly and think of my future. Lol! And plan and all. It's usually at these weird hours when I start to think more. Damn strange but I guess the night really makes the mind think more. And also more tired as well. Haha!

For now, yes, university admission stuffs is really what's most important now. It's what I'll be doing for the next 4 years. Honestly, I'm quite scared. But yes, first, I need to get into at least one of the local universities first before I begin on my brand new journey. I really really hope that that one subject won't be my downfall. Which ok, I don't think it will I guess. And honestly, I really don't know what exactly I want anymore? It's the pretty lost feeling. Yes, I kinda felt that since quite sometime back. But I guess it's more real now that I have my results and I actually need to decide what I want to do with my life very very soon.

And I feel that my life is in a little mess. Ok, not as bad as compared to others but I feel like I have a lot of things going on. Ok actually, by things is just job and learning driving. HAHA! Ok fine, My life isn't a mess. I lied. It's actually pretty good now. Lol! As in seriously. To be true, I kinda like this life now. I can choose the days which I want to go to work. I can learn driving when I want to. I can meet up with my friends when I want to but also provided that they are free to meet me as well. I can do whatever I want on days when I don't work. I can sit and stone and not feel guilty when I want to. It's pretty much a good life. I have shows to watch when I'm bored. Movies and all. Books to read.

But the thing is that I have so much things to do but I'm not doing almost a lot of it? Or rather I feel that time is spiraling out of control for me. Maybe that's why I think my life is in a little mess. Haha! But I realise yea, this is what's happening to everyone. It's not just me feeling like that. That time is just moving forward without us realising. I guess it happens when you are working and all. And when you are schooling. When you are busy in general. It's just scary though. Like suddenly, we are in March 2013. How did January and February just went by like that? I honestly don't know.

But I guess life in general is like that. We live a busy and hasty life. I know that I am actual one who likes to make my life packed and busy and filled with activities. Ok, not exactly like but I tend to do it. And then once in a while, you get to have days where you are free from activities and just spending time with yourself and resting. I guess that's why I sort of like my life right now because I have a greater control of it as compared to when I was schooling.

And sometimes I feel that my friends are far out of reach and it just makes me quite sad? I don't really know how to say. Sometimes I think that it's my fault for how I neglect some people in my life. But I honestly don't do it on purpose. It's just that you tend to rely on people who you know will actually bother to listen to you and your nonsense. Something about giving and taking in a friendship. I don't really know. What I do know is that I'm not some superwoman who can take care of everyone when I can't even take care of myself. Sometimes I honestly think I worry about others' people lives more than I worry about my own. Ok, maybe not. I don't know. I'm tired now so just let me ramble on about nothing.

I guess what I'm trying to say it that I'm tired. Lol! As in yes, it pretty much sums up this whole post to some extend. It sums up what I'm feeling right now. What I'm feeling physically and emotionally and psychologically. Tired. I'm tired from work, I'm tired from feeling so much, I'm tired from thinking of my future, I'm tired from yea everything. All that friendship stuffs. Annnoying people. I realise I have a lot of annoying people in my life. Lol! Ok, not to say that I'm not annoying myself. Maybe that's probably why they are my friends after all since they are annoying.

OK clearly I'm semi asleep typing this post so yes, let's just end this here and I'll probably do another post with a clearer mind another day.

all the thinking

Difference between what is interesting to me, what I can do, and what I want to do.

Sometimes, what is interesting may not be something you can do. What you want to do may not be something you can do. Honestly, I know that I am not that able to do a lot of things. But I am interested in them. Though of course, I can't get into some of them. And to be true, sometimes I'm not sure if I know what actually interest me anymore. It all may seem pretty interesting now but I'm quite scared that I won't find them interesting after.

Actually, I don't think the interest will wear off. It's just that I really hope that after 4 years of studying whatever I'm studying, I will know what I want to do and I will be sure of my path. Of what I want to pursue and all.

Currently, I think I'm quite far away from what I actually want to do. And to be honest, I don't think I'll reach what I want to do anytime soon. Or maybe even never. But I guess sometimes things just changes. And God has other plans for you. Maybe what I want to do is not something that I can do and not something I should do. Maybe I'm supposed to do something else instead.

And I guess right now, whatever place I do end up in, I'll have to do my very best in it. Because yes, it's time to really fight for what I want if I still want it. But even if I don't get it in the end, I know that I will still be fine somewhere else.

I realise that sometimes, you don't find the job that you love. But always ALWAYS love the job that you can do. So whatever job that we get in the future, whatever course that we do end up in eventually, learn to love it. And it will really make your own life easier.

I know I should probably sleep now since I have work tmr. But all these universities stuffs are making me quite troubled. But ok, at least I can find courses that I really don't mind taking. Courses that I think I'll enjoy. It's just that I must really think carefully of where I want to go. And I really hope that I can get in without having to appeal.

On the plus side, it's really awesome to talk and meet up with friends who matters? Haha! I don't know how to say but yea. And I don't know why but I actually miss the army boys more now as compared to before their enlistment. Haha! Not as if I met up with them very often before they entered army. I guess probably knowing that it will be hard to just bump into them randomly on the streets now as compared to last time since they are far away. Haha! Or maybe it's natural to miss people more when they are not around as much? Ok actually, I don't know. Haha! Just that yes, I quite miss the army boys!! And they never fail to make me feel happier seeing their botak hair. Heh. Yes I'm quite mean. But ok lar, most of then actually looks fine. It's just that it's still amusing sometimes. =D and funny to laugh at them 'cause they get annoyed from you laughing as well. So excited for their POP. Haha! Ok lar, I just want to see their POP. Lol! I don't have a brother to see all that ma. So I shall rely on my friends. =D I hope they all POP together so I can go see a few pple at once. Haha! And Wah, army stories are honestly interesting. Lol! I don't know why but I'm really entertained by all their stories. They are actually having more life than most of us here. Lol!

Okok. Time to sleep now! I'll post more next time. =D

don't give up

Sometimes I really wonder why life likes to throw me off course and make me feel so lost.

But I guess there is always a reason for it. Ok of course. But I guess God really has bigger plans for me. Maybe what I want isn't what I should do. Maybe God wants me to do something that I didn't expect myself to do.

I guess despite everything, I know that I have an incredible family supporting me. I have pretty amazing friends being there for me. People who care. I'm glad that I have these people. And yes I will come back stronger.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Yes I will learn from this setback. I guess it's God's calling for me to be more hardworking and that what I had been doing wasn't exactly right. So I guess God wants me to wake up from the fact that life is always smooth sailing because it really isn't. But also to remember that there is always a way. Some way. You just need to find it and carry on. You may feel at a loss right now but there are always some ways. Life doesn't just stop there.

I really was disappointed with myself so much. Because I know I could do better. I know that I should have done better. But I guess something went wrong somehow. And to be honest, my grades isn't really that bad. That's the truly annoying part because I can't be happy for my grades just because of one subject. Because of that one subject, everything just doesn't seem to matter. But I know that I am happy for my other grades. Ok not all but I'm reasonable glad because I really improve so much from prelims. It's just, I can't be happy because of that one subject. So yes it really sucks.

And for the first time, I cried until my eyes are swollen. LOL! Ok I'm sorry. I'm quite amused by it because usually my eyes lie for me when I'm sad 'cause it doesn't get swollen. And the worst thing is that I had work the next day. So yep. It's quite bad.

And yes!!! I'm so proud of a lot of my friends!!! I'm really really happy for all of them. It's just that it's hard to be completely happy because of my own grades. I wanted to be happy for them, happy with them. But anyway, I am really proud of them because they really did well. =) They really still did great. Swapna!!! Haha! I was so happy when I heard her name and nearly jumped out of my seat and I really clapped until my palms were red and shouted super loud for her. And ok, I did so for Shuhang, Nisa, Jordan and Darren. Just that Swap one was louder 'cause she completely didn't expect it and she deserves it so much. But yes!!! I'm proud of the other 4 too. =D representatives from 4E1. Haha! So proud of Shuhang!! 5 Distinctions!! But ok, he really worked hard so he really deserves it. Ok they all worked hard. For Nisa and Jordan, I kinda was really waiting to hear their names and clap. Haha! Both smart asses. Darren also really worked hard in JC so happy for him as well!

This A Levels is really not something that I expect myself to fall so deep. Ok I know I could have done worse but to me, this is really quite bad. Ok fine just that bloody one subject. I'm sort of angry now I think. Haha! At first I was sad and stuffs but now I'm quite annoyed with Cambridge.

But yes yes, what's done is done. I guess from now on, I just have to take one step at a time and move forward slowly. Make decisions and make sure you don't regret it. But whatever it is, God had His plans for you so just trust in Him and follow His way. It won't go wrong.

And lol, I can't help feeling that some people had been constantly stalking my blog these few days 'cause they haven't heard much from me since results day and they know that I will most likely do a post on it so they are just waiting. Haha! Ok, I may be wrong but nevertheless, thankyou you all if you all know who you are. Haha! It's always nice to know that you have friends who really care about you even if they don't tell you that they do? And that they really want you to be alright.

And yes, I am really alright now. The results I got, I'm not happy with it but I have to accept it. And yes, I know my results aren't all that bad to be true. It's really just that one subject. Lol! I keep harping on it but yep! I'm moving forward!! This is only a part of my life and there are still so many more parts to it.

Yes, life doesn't end because of A Levels. There are always options and alternatives. It may be the longer way, you may feel that you wasted time. But no time is ever wasted because in whatever we do, there are always some things to learn from. Right now, the future may seem bleak but don't ever give up because everything really truly stops when you give up. There is always a way out. All you got to do is believe in yourself and just move forward.

People are important as well. Don't shun them away because yes, lol, I realise I'm one who needs people. After I got my results, I kinda left school almost immediately because I didn't want to be around too much pple. Yes, the school was really just crowded with people. And I didn't want people I don't know to see me cry. But then I felt so lost once I stepped out of school. Like I really had no idea where to go and what to do. So yes, luckily Feli called me. Then I just thought of a random place off hand to meet her. And yep, I came to realise that running away alone is never a good option. Because you really feel alone and I need people to tell me that everything will be ok. I guess this is for different people though. Haha! Some people can just be alone when they are sad but I really cannot I think.

Ah well, different experience for PSLE, O Levels and A Levels. Lol! PSLE I just cried on the spot 'cause my mum was there. Tsk. She is really one who makes me cry 'cause she'll say that it's really ok. O Levels was pretty much happy. A little numb and all but we were all generally happy. Our class did considerably well together. A Levels was running away. Haha! Ok, I'm really sorry to all the people who were looking for me and realised that I wasn't to be found. I know I kinda made you guys quite worried so yes I'm sorry!


Hmm.. I guess, I'm really quite thankful that I'm one who knows that there is no point in feeling sad always? Maybe because I realised that my grades are not all that bad to be true and that I really have supportive parents and sister and friends. My mum is really my ultimate hero. Haha! At first I couldn't get through to her phone when I was calling and I felt so lost. Then when she called back she said that she can come and fetch me back. Really like a hero coming to save this poor soul. Haha! Yes, incredible mum. If not, I really couldn't make it home on public transport. And there I was wanting to go to EAC after I get my results initially. Haha! I couldn't even make it to Buona Vista much less Bukit Panjang. But anwyay, yes I love my mum. =) And my sister and my dad. Ok. I'm really glad for them? My dad is currently in China but he called me that day to tell me that it's alright even though he was quite busy when he called. And yep, that made me cry also. Haha! I really just cry and stop and cry and stop the whole of Friday. I'm kinda amused by it now but ok, it really was quite a tiring day with all that crying.

Anyway, so yes, my JC chapter has now officially ended. I'm quite looking forward to what's coming after this. Yes, I really hope that I get to enter somewhere where I honestly don't mind going. Now I will have to work real hard to get what I want. I have to fight like hell to make sure that I get what I want in the future. I know it's not the end. There are reasons for all these and I guess the only thing I can do now is really find out all ways possible and just take any opportunities that come my way. Yes I need to and I will. Something good about setbacks are that it makes you sure hell determined to do well from it. To prove to the setback that you are better than that. Yes, we can all do this. God really has grand plans for everyone. You just need to have faith that it really isn't over.