"You got no life" (REALLY?!)

I was looking at my old posts and I suddenly recalled how "You got no life" was one of my phrases back in sec 3/4? Like I said that to everybody. Almost. Lol! Ok yes, this is a very random thought. And then also, I said annoying, idiot, retard, weirdo and many other very nice words to describe a person. And I'm still doing them now so this shows a lot too. Haha! I'm clearly a mean person. Innately mean.

It's like how people who I'm not close to, I'm very nice to them. But once I start to know you better, I'm like completely different from when you first know me. I think mine is quite extreme? Like my OCSP friend was saying how as the days went by, I became more and more sarcastic. Years of training with my awesome sarcastic friends paid off well. Haha!

But ok, I was really quite glad how I could open up to my OCSP group mates? They are really nice people in the first place. And I kinda know them before hand. But like really do crazy stuffs like singing and doing weird actions and all that. Stuffs that I usually don't do with people I'm not very close to? I think probably because my roomie was as crazy as me. So we both influenced each other to do weirdo stuffs. Haha! I need someone to be crazy with me for me to be crazy. And also, we are 7 people so it's a lot easier to bond. And same frequency also so it's all cool. Haha! Hopefully we will still remain in contact now that we're back in Singapore? But everyone's quite busy so it's really quite hard to meet up. That's the thing I guess? But it's okay! At least we had a great 17 days in Cambodia together!! Like I really enjoyed the full 17 days and didn't really miss home much. I only miss Singapore when I reached Singapore. Then I realised that I do miss Singapore. Haha! And yes, my family and friends. Who are still equally annoying but yes, I still love them nonetheless.

Okok, I need to really do a more proper post up about Cambodia. There is more to the trip than just the people I went on the trip with. It's really an eye opening and worthy experience. And I guess it's actually more than experience also? I discover more about myself also. Self-discovering I guess. Stuffs that I never really thought I had? And also the flaws. Stuffs I think I should remember. The takeaways from the 17 days there.

 Okay, I think I'm finally feeling it. The missing people part. LOL! I think it's blogging. Whenever I blog, somehow I will always miss people. HAHA! Ok yes, I admit. Ever since I came back, I met up with friends and all that. But I didn't actually miss anyone? Like I was alright if I just stay at home for many days and not meet up with people. But yes, I'm feeling the missing people feeling. 'Cause yes, really quite long since I saw some of them. They are truly annoying bitches. But I forgive them. And yes lar, I miss those I already met up also. 'Cause some people you really cannot get enough of them. Heh.

Alrighttttt time to start up my life again after slacking for almost 2 weeks. Ok I haven't been slacking the entire 2 weeks completely but pretty much actually. Different kind of busy. The past 2 weeks I do stuffs because I have to but not exactly because I want to. There was just some inertia feeling. But yea, I think I'm getting it back. Wanting to do stuffs and take control of my life and future and everything. Yes, I can't control what the future holds but at least have something.

A friend I just met recently told me how the thing about planning is that you shouldn't plan too far also because sometimes, if not most of the time, plans don't ever go according to plan. And having to restart planning is very hard because the failure of the previous plan will hit you. But that's life. So we just accept that plans fail sometimes but we just get on with it because life doesn't wait for you to recover from the failures. Life goes on.

paradox of life

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."

- Mother Teresa

You can't really see it, but these are the words on the wall at this cafe in Phnom Penh. I was too lazy to take a proper photo of it but read the quote carefully. Because somehow after I read it, I felt this strange revelation feeling.

Because you love, there is more love than hurt.

Honestly, I can't really think of anything particular inspirational to type about now but I think the quote speaks for itself.

Anyway, I was sorting out the photos from Cambodia and when I saw the photos of the children, my heart really goes out to them. I really kinda do miss them. Yes, two weeks is short. But in two weeks, you can form a bond with these children. And it sucks 'cause I really want to go back for them but I'm not sure if I can. But I think it will probably be part of my plans in the future? I think I will really want to go back again. Because these children, I see great potential in them. And if I'm going again, I may want to stay there longer. So that I can do more things with them and really help them in more ways than just what 2 weeks can do.

I still haven't exactly blog about my trip to Cambodia yet. Which I still will. Just need to settle down first. There are kinda a lot of things to do now. Plus I also want to just sit and chill and not think. Though I think it's making me very restless and feel quite weird. But yes, some downtime alone. I think this week was not bad. I finally get to stay home and chill and not really go out and all that.

Slightly becoming a sloth but sloth life isn't completely for me so I'm sure I wll be fine. I think I'll get busier again for the next few weeks to come but yep! I'll be fine lar ah. Haha! I just need to say and complain and rant and repeat because I am naggy like that. I think this pisses people off though. How I keep saying but not doing anything. And how I just keep saying the same few things but also not doing anything. Yes, I'm picking up the pieces slowly because somehow year one of university slightly threw me off guard so I need to sort out things as I go. But yes, I will be fine.

Ahhhh. Ok, next post, I think it'll be about Cambodia already? Haha! And ohya! Australia trip also. But Cambodia more important lar ah. Lol! Australia is just chill and relax but a freaking awesome place which I want to go back to again. I have severe withdrawal symptoms from all these travelling. I really want to travel badly again. But yes, money is one thing.

So we'll see how. I'm sure life will be good to me because it has been pretty awesome so far.

start remembering

It's such photos that make me want to take photos that matter. Photos that can speak louder than words. Photos that make your heart beat by just looking at it. That moment, that feeling, that expression. All in that one photo.

Photography is still very much something I have passion in. It's still something that I love doing. I just need to be more hardworking in it. And stop giving myself excuses. I need to bring my camera out and stop giving myself excuses. It shouldn't be that way. Yes, my camera is supposed to be outside. You don't buy a camera just for it to stay at home.

I need to remember the feeling of taking photos. The moment when you capture that particular shot. I need to remember that.

My girlfriends~ These very lovely ladies made me go over to Jurong just to meet them for supper. Okay fine, I was alright with it so it's actually okay. Gender equality. Tsk. But okay lar, for these girls, it's cool. 'Cause freaking long since we met up for a proper talk already.

And I know I owe ten thousand posts of other stuffs but I just really feel like posting about this first. Haha! The mood lar ah. But yea, we all have flaws but we deal with them and learn from them. We are not perfect. But we can learn from our mistakes. I guess the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and try not to make them again.

I guess I'm just thankful that somehow, amidst life and everything else, I still have these idiots in my life who actually knows and sees the flaws in me and tell me about it. Haha! Yea, sometimes, you really need those reminders from time to time. And do something about it. Yes, I will strive to be more motivated and all and work harder for life.

But yes, it's just amazing how we try our best to be in each others life even after so long? That some friendships are just settled. HAHA! Ok sounds really weird but yea. You don't need to meet up often but you know very well that these people have got your back no matter what. And yes, we need more meet up like that. And also in full strength. Haha! Next time!! And hopefully, I can drive next time also. Ya sia. I swear I feel like I'm the man here with 3 girls. But ok lar, with them, it's really gender equality. LOL! They are honestly my girls. Heh. Don't kill me guys if you read this. You all are very awesome. =)

They are probably the few friends who can make me feel really angry and pissed off at them but they are still damn important. Haha! Weird friendship but I guess that's how we work. And yea, it's just kinda awesome how whenever we meet, it somehow feels the same as ever? That despite all the changes in the world, some things just stay right.

take me back

Kids finding joy in the simplest things in life. I forgot what he was actually doing but I remembered him being very happy with whatever he was doing. That genuine happiness.

Didn't actually take much photos during this trip but yea some photos here and there. Haha! And slightly regretted not bringing my DSLR along but I guess it's really the experiences and memories that truly matter. Cambodia is definitely a place that I will visit again. There is something about this country that makes your heart go out to the people there and it's a place that you will want to go back again. For me at least.

There are so many thoughts and things I want to say but as you see, once you are back in Singapore, time passes like bullet train. I have yet to catch my breath properly yet but I still have to go head on with this bullet train, in order to catch up to this bullet train. It really sucks though. 'Cause it's really instantly back to work and back to planning and all that. The alone time to think through things is barely there. And probably worse 'cause I made sure that I didn't think about the issues in Singapore while I was in Cambodia. Which I still think that's the right way. Just that yes, once I got back, it's just woah, chill world, let me breath.

I guess bidding for modules is a pain in the ass. I really rather get pre-assigned to the mods. My timetable is completely empty and I really have to choose which mods I want to take. And it's damn bloody troublesome. But yes, life is such so I just have to really do it.

I'm so much still in the overseas mood now. Like I'll really rather sit and do nothing. But yes yes, I guess after 17 days in Cambodia, it's really high time I get back to my life back in Singapore. You can't escape your own life forever.

But honestly, I think I really want to get a job that allows me to travel often. I really honestly like it. And I don't mind whatever shit I have to go through. 'Cause travelling will offset everything else. I just need that breather away from Singapore from time to time. To just get my head straighten up and get back in the game. Being away from home makes everything clearer. Clears up your head and makes you think better. And make better decisions in life.

Part of me was really reluctant to come back to Singapore because I know that once I'm back, it's really jumping straight to everything again. And it's really not fun. Being overseas is truly a form of escaping but I really like it. Not having much worries.

But yes yes! I will find my footing again! Have to ah. And I'll promise to do a proper post about Cambodia. Posts maybe. Haha! Too many things to say already. 17 days is no joke. But it's honestly quite awesome how I didn't really miss home? Haha! As in I thought I would miss home very quickly but I didn't actually miss home at all? I guess the company truly matters. When you are with the right company, anywhere is fine. And these 6 other people are really awesome. Like I'm really thankful that I went on this trip with them. They can be nonsense it's so amazing. HAHA! My type of people lar ah. Probably that's why the 17 days were fine 'cause I had my daily doses of nonsense. Yes, it's important to me. And singing. OMG. It's so damn important to sing. LOL! Especially when you are overseas and you can just do whatever you want 'cause you are overseas. So when you find people who will go crazy singing with you, you know you found gems already. Heh. But okok, more about them next time!

Shall sleep soon 'cause somehow I'm still damn tired even after sleeping for more than 12 hours yesterday. Lol! I really just concuss after I bathe. Haven't slept much for the past 2 weeks and yes, I can feel everything. But sleep is still for the weak and I am the strong. Okay lame. Sorry, I get really lame when the tiredness overwhelmes me.

Phnom Penh feels

Them feels at night. So yes, I'm still in Cambodia. After like ten thousand years. Haha! Okay, actually, it really doesn't feel very long. And I'm not homesick. I'm more of I kinda don't want to leave this place 'cause that means that I'll be saying goodbye to the children here. And I know I really don't want to. 2 weeks seem long but it's actually really short.

And I think it's my best school trip so far? School-related trip. One where I actually came on without having a friend I know beforehand with. As in I kinda knew all of them from my first camp in SMU and they are technically my first friends in SMU but I wasn't close to them. But it's really one of the best trips ever? Too many things to share about but I will talk about them when I get back and really sit down probably to blog about it or maybe just write it down.

But I'm so thankful that I came on this trip. Like seriously. This experience is something really worthy and great? Like I really learn a lot and gained a lot from this trip. And the company is really great. These people whom I'm on the trip with are really wonderful people. I'm glad that we are just 7 people so it's easier to be more bonded and get to know each other better in some ways or another. It's quite cool I guess? And it's cooler 'cause I got to know them again since technically, they are my first friends from SMU but it stop there. So that's pretty cool. Haha!

Many many things to say about this trip so probably will leave it for next time. Really too many things to say already. Mind might probably burst. And as much as I miss my family and friends, a part of me doesn't want to go back. Because once I go back, it means that I must start doing stuffs. Like real stuffs. Which I know I should probably stop procastinating them but the thought of having to face all of them isn't very enticing.

THAT'S WHY I REALLY LOVE CAPS SOMETIMES. BUT IT MAKES YOU FREAKING TIRED AND OUT OF BREATHE WHEN YOU READ CAPS SOMETIMES BUT THERE IS JUST THIS VERY NICE ADRENALINE RUSH.

But ok, I won't continue in caps 'cause it's really tiring.

Anyway, so I'll be going Cambodia tomorrow and I haven't really pack yet. So that's erm, something I should be doing now instead of blogging. Haha! But aiya, there is time. I believe. I have faith in my packing skills. Lol! Just that sigh, I really want to travel a lot but I hate packing. I really hope that one day, I can just travel with a small bag pack or sling bag, with just my passport, my wallet, my phone and my camera. These are the only necessities to me actually. The other stuffs are like you can actually buy there. If you have the money. And ok maybe one jacket too 'cause jacket is always very useful in many ways. Yea, just these 5 items in my bag. And I'll be ready to go. I want that. And of course, plane ticket also. Lol! It really sucks that money is really an issue sometimes. But yes, I really do need to save up more. 'Cause I want my many adventures in the future. Like going overseas with ten thousand other people. I really do hope that it will happen. But yes, I guess I should like suggest to people way ahead so that we can finally actually make it happen. After I come back from Cambodia!!

After I come back, I really need to start settling stuffs and planning stuffs. Most importantly, planning my life. Something I have been procrastinating since last year. So I think it's time that I actually start on it. No more being lost and all that.

But sigh, I know I'm just going Cambodia for 17 days and not 1 month or 6 months or 8 months or 1 year. But it's still the longest I've been away from Singapore. From my home. My bed. And my parents. =( They are horrible. They went Malaysia on 5th June and won't be back until I'm in Cambodia. So this is the longest I've ever been away from them? Not that it really matters a lot since they do travel overseas a lot but still. I kinda do miss them when they travel overseas for too long. This time is just really kinda more sian 'cause they won't be sending me off to the airport. And ok I just won't be seeing them for a long time and that's not fun. YES, I'M STILL A CHILD WHO NEEDS MY PARENTS.

And my sister. Ok, she's quite sad 'cause she got left alone at home the 2nd time this year. HAHA! I think she is more dependent on people more than me. Strange since she is older but yea lar, she can manage one. But she really suck at housework. LOL! I was doing some stuffs the other time and she was trying to do some housework before she left house but she just kinda made everything worse so I told her I'll help her settle whatever stuffs she ruined later. Yes, she really kinda suck but it's okay, she will learn somehow. HAHA!

But ok, I think I will be fine lar. Lol! Probably will call them in Cambodia. Just yes, I need to rant. And then I was telling people that they will miss me while I'm away, then everyone was like nope, it's more like you will miss us more. And yea lar, I realised the one going away is usually the one missing those back at home more. So yes, I will miss all those annoying friends here in Singapore. Eesh.

I really want to cycle very badly so please cycling when I come back!! And ok, I think I really need to start exercising after I come back. My body feels like it belongs to some old lady. Neck pain, back pain all that.

And AND WE THE KINGS!!! Ok I'll probably post about it next time. Or maybe later. Lol! But the concert was so awesome. More awesome than I expected it to be. And their songs are damn awesome live. And the crowd is awesome also. Like everyone knows the lyrics to the songs and everyone just sing along with them and it's damn awesome lar. Ok more on that later! With photos! Just that the photos weren't that great but go concert is not for photos but for the atmosphere so it's all cool.

Ok! Time to pack. Shit. I really procrastinate damn long. But yes, I know I can do this~ Travelling is my forte. HAHA! Sort of. Not really. But I like it so that's all that matters.

all over the place

"Life can be so unexpected. That we can plan everything in our head, but yet at the crucial point, things may not go as planned and sometimes it's for the better. And that itself makes life worth the living."

Saw this sharing by my senior on Facebook and I felt that it's very related to everyone. Because we make plans but somehow at that crucial point, something will happen and things won't go according to plan. But that doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

I just watched the last episode of Modern Family season 5 and it was so good. It was Cam and Mitchell's Wedding and you know how weddings almost always never go according to plan? But that's the beauty of it. It's always such important moments that somehow never go according to plan. But because of all these unforeseen events and people have to improvise on the spot, it makes the event memorable and special. Something that everyone will remember for years to come. How sometimes, you don't need to have a complete detailed plan for everything. Sometimes, you just need to learn how to improvise and make the best of what you've got. And sometimes, you need to let people help you. Even if you may not want their help. Because they are the people who love you a lot and want the best for you. They will do anything for you to be happy.

Maybe that's why surprises usually always fail too. Haha! In a sense, that's what make that day still very special? How the thought is really all that matters. And how yes, things don't go according to plan but you make changes as you go along and ultimately, it will all usually turn out okay because the person receiving it will be crazy touched by your efforts, even though it may not have gone according to what you originally plan. I think that's all that truly matters. The thought of wanting to do something special for this person. Just because you want the person to be happy and care about the person.

And I think surprises are over-rated. Yes, surprises are kinda awesome 'cause yes, admit it, everyone kinda likes to be surprised. Ok maybe not everyone but I know I like it. Haha! It's this feeling of how you really never expected anyone to do anything and then suddenly they are just there? And how I don't know, you just feel slightly dazed at how crazy lucky you are to have people in your life who bother to do such stuffs just for you?  That's why whenever people suddenly pop up in front of me (HAHA!), I won't really cry and be overwhelming happy but I would smile a lot and laugh a lot and looked very dazed and confused. Like stone ah. LOL! But really what, it's how surprises work!

But anyway, even though it's really a nice feeling to be surprised, it's not a must. I think what really matters is the thought. And just being there with the person to celebrate whatever things that they are celebrating and I don't know, the thought of it. The company. I think ultimately, it's really the company. Just being there with them, being there for them.

I don't know about you but I think unforeseen events that happen add a lot more colour to our lives. Sometimes, it may hurt and let us feel pain of sorts but it kinda defines our lives and the changes may not always be a bad thing. Plans change, but that doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

And I miss photography. I know I have been saying this for the longest time but I really do. I miss just taking that damned camera out to just shoot. And I don't know. Just take photos. Those spontaneous, unplanned shot. I realised most photographers plan their shots before they take them. But it was never the case for me. I mean I tried planning? But I realise I rather prefer not to plan them. Because I still think that unplanned shots are still the best. Usually, my best photos are the ones that I just snap and go. Those spontaneous kind. Yes, some people may say that snap and go isn't called photography but I still think it is? It's like you just happen to be there at the right time and at the right moment and off goes the shutter. It's kinda exciting in a way? When it wasn't planned to be taken but you happened to snap that moment and it's just the best kind of photo 'cause it's really about the moment.

Yes, moments. Photography is about the moments. I guess somewhere along, I forgot that photography is about capturing the moments. It cannot be planned. You just have to be there at the moment and capture it. If you miss it, too bad. But there are many other chances. And I don't know but sometimes when you miss a moment, it doesn't mean it's the end. You find other moments. Other moments that will matter too. But if you are hung up about the moment that you miss, you may miss out on other moments that may be even better and more impactful than the one you missed.

I guess this speak about life too. Sometimes, we get hung up about the things that could have been, the things that used to be and the things that almost happened but you missed it. And we forget that we still have many more things worth hanging on to in life. That we still have many more experiences in front of us that we have yet to go through. Yes, the past was good. But you shouldn't keep harbouring on it. What's good is that at least it happened. But you shouldn't stay in the past. You bring it together with you. The memory of it.

The past, it's easy because you've been through it and know what's it like. It's safer and easier to handle. But if you keep hanging on to the past, you will miss out in the present. And you may end up missing even more important things in the present. Until one day they too become a past and it's all too late to regret not enjoying it while it was still present.

I know this thing about me is that I hang on to the past quite a lot. I know that sometimes, you really have to learn to let go. And things that are worth the keeps will stay with you. And that I don't need to be so scared that I will lose the past. Because you will remember the important people and memories in the past if they are worth remembering. Those that you forget, well probably it wasn't as memorable as you once thought it was. And I guess, just remember to have faith in people. Remembering that it is not just them who are important in your life. That you are also important in their lives too. Yea, sometimes, you really forget that such things work both ways. Lol! As stupid and silly as it may sound. Sometimes, you really forget that you are important in other people's life too. That you matter. Yes, I think I sound like some sad kid now but I do know that I matter to people. Just that sometimes you just overlook it. I guess it's just the times when you feel like you are the only one who cares about stuffs. But then again, the thing about this life is that it gets busy. We grow up. Things happen. Life gets busy. People change.

Sometimes, it's not that they don't care but they really don't have the time to care. I know, you make time for people you care about but people need to live their life too. And time is some thing we really have no control over.

No idea how I ended up talking about this. I guess I just really miss my big groups of people. Even though small groups are nice and cosy and you get to actually talk to each other more, I still like having big groups from time to time. Just seeing everyone and doing something together and just enjoying each others company in that big group and roaming around places because no one can decide where to go and what to do. Yea, I have strong attachment issues.

And also I'm lazy. Sigh. Used to be more motivated to plan stuffs and bothering to ask when everyone is free. But I guess when no one can give a definite time and date, it makes it very hard to organise stuffs and yea, just makes you kinda sian. And the thing is that you know it's not their fault that they can't give a definite date. It's because life happens. This freaking unpredictable life. And time. And growing up. That's why sometimes I really hate growing up. Because it really means less time. Sigh, it's just all really quite sad.

I need to find something. Something for me to do and some project to keep me occupied and not think so much. I think I'm really better off when I'm busier because this stupid mind tends to wonder all sorts of nonsense when it's too free. But the thing is that I'm not entirely free. I'm just not doing stuffs that I should be doing. This stupid unmotivated woman. I am damn bloody hard to please. I can't even please myself what even. Ok, I think I really just need to sleep now. And just wake up and find motivation again. And I don't know. I think I really feel that I'm losing myself sometimes. Aimless. It's the worst kind of feeling to feel but I guess everyone faces it. It's just a matter of how you deal with it. I know I'll figure it all out soon. Just don't rush it and take time. The best things in life take time to happen. Be patient.